September 2008 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 10 Issue 9
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 October 1st - 14th  September 1st - 14th  August 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Porn Distributors to Preemptively Bid on Miley Cyrus Sex Tape
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

In an attempt cash in on an as-yet-nonexistent gold mine, porn distributors, including Hustler, Vivid Video, and the ad hoc group Horny Hannah, are to take part in an auction at Christie's Auction House for the famous Cyrus sex tape.

Expected to be recorded in the summer of 2012 and released by either a rapacious personal assistant or a vindictive boyfriend, projected to be either one of the three Jonas Brothers or a resurgent Burt Reynolds, the precognitive shockwaves of this tape have had rattled American pop culture to its very core.

Dr. James Dobson of Focus On The Family has urged his congregants to take part in a proactive boycott of the young pop star's lucrative line of merchandise. Ubiquitous teletherapist Dr. Phil has offered an antedated helping hand.

Still, some are more titillated than scandalized. Groups as diverse as Skull & Bones, the

International Brotherhood of Teamsters, and the United Way are prearranging viewing parties which are already selling out, yet the later group will funnel all proceeds towards its philanthropic endeavors.

With experts predicting the winning bid to be in excess of $2,000,000, the Cyrus sex tape augers to be the most expensive item in preemptive auction history, even exceeding the recent bidding war over the pot brownie that is expected to fatally choke Matthew McConaughey sometime in January.


Police Respond to Playboy Mansion
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Police responded to a call early Sunday morning at the "Playboy" Mansion; home of "Playboy" founder, Hugh Hefner and his girlfriends, Holly, Bridget and Kendra.

Mr. Hefner was hosting his annual birthday bash; this year's theme: "I'm as old as Methuselah, but I still get the babes!"

The party revelers, numbering in the hundreds were unaware of any trouble.

Due to some quick thinking and keen observations, a member of the "Mansion" staff spotted what he thought to be, suspicious behavior by an unknown female. He immediately notified "Mansion" security, and Police, but the women disappeared into the crowd; eluding them.

When asked by Police to give a description of the woman, the witness went on to say, "She was blond! Lots of make-up! A very "pouty" look...very large breasts...and scantily dressed!"

Upon hearing the description, the Police immediately detained 372 female guests; included were Holly, Bridget, and Kendra and 2 male guests, all fitting the description.

After further questioning, all 372 female guests and Holly, Bridget and Kendra were released. However, the 2 male guests are being detained for further questioning.

Mr. Hefner, not fazed by all the commotion, said later that everyone had a great time, and he couldn't wait until next year to celebrate his 100th birthday!


Kathy Lee Wins Lifetime Achievement Award
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

The National Association of Unemployed Singers & Eliminated Actors has awarded Kathy Lee Gifford its first ever Lifetime Achievement Award for appearing on more magazine covers than anyone--6300--while not being able to sing, dance, act, or even talk without bringing up her husband and son. "She's the reason why we're all here today," said host Howard Liebovitz at the annual NAUSEA awards, held in a Newark warehouse. Wild applause accompanied Kathy Lee as she took to the stage in tears. Unable to speak coherently, she gushed something about Regis, Frank, and Cody (now a grad student) between her sobs, and upon collapse was rushed back off across the Hudson river by ambulance to the thunderous applause of those banished forever from the great city.


Animal Olympics Held
By
Roger Poppen -- Contributing Author

The Animals hold an Olympics every four years, though it seems like twenty-eight to Dog. In the 10,000 meters, Tortoise is favored over Snail, Hare having been disqualified for testing positive for beta-carotene. After much discussion, the IOC (Interspecies Olympic Committee) decided to shorten the race to 10,000 millimeters so everyone can get home before winter. In the sprints, Lion and Gazelle always put on a good show. Cheetah has been banned because, well, the name says it all.

Wrestling will probably come down to Bear versus Alligator, though some think Octopus has a good chance. In weightlifting, Ant is expected to do well in the very-very-very-lightweight class. Security will be tight at this event after the unfortunate incident with Aardvark last time. Elephant should dominate the very-very-very-heavyweight class, though cleaning up afterwards is always a problem. Kangaroo will try for a win in both boxing and long jump. At the same time.

Gymnastics is always a crowd pleaser. Gibbon and Chimp should battle for the gold now that Bonobo was barred for inappropriate sexual conduct. An appeal to the ethics committee, made up of Wolf, Swan, and Eagle, was turned down.

The Seals should do well in water polo but they have withdrawn their relay swim team after the IOC ruled that Orcas could participate as Dolphins. In speed swimming, Shark and Tuna will put on a good race. Whale has the distance swimming event sewn up.


Suicide by Ice Cream Sandwich
By
Tom O’Donnell -- Contributing Author

Each year over 12,000 Americans commit suicide by ice cream sandwich. This is when the person decides to end their life by forcing themselves to eat so many ice cream sandwiches that they die from sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia which is the medical term for eating ice cream too fast. Yes, it can cause death. This is because excessively eating ice cream and the brain freeze you get is compounded by the endless consumption of ice cream to the point that the person passes out.

Societies have formed all over America protesting the right of Americans to die by ice cream sandwich. Ernest Brew, a pathfinder in the death by ice cream sandwich movement has dedicated his life to perfecting the process of taking one’s life through over eating ice cream sandwiches by developing the Brew Machine.

It works through the person being strapped to a recliner and forced to watch endless episodes of BJ & The Bear, The Education of Max Bickford and Celebrity Family Feud featuring episodes where host Al Roker refuses to stop talking. Punished beyond the point of endurance the viewer then is offered ice cream sandwiches as a way to make the television stop playing. As long as they are eating ice cream sandwiches the television won’t come on.

"It’s worked well," Brew said. "This is so humane. The suffering person who feels there is no way out can seek solace through an ice cream sandwich. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of it. The Roker episodes of Celebrity Family Feud are by far causing the most viewers to beg that it be turned off. Several have cracked in the first five minutes and immediately started eating ice cream sandwiches. In fact, I’ve seen several occasions where the mere hint of resuming an episode of Celebrity Family Feud has caused the subject to wildly cram ice cream sandwiches all the while begging for the television never to come on."

"The morality isn’t there," said Father Teddy Dempsey. "The Lord has said frequently in visions all over the world not to take your life by over eating ice cream sandwiches. The church certainly frowns upon the Brew Machine which it views as an instrument of death."

There are many theologians that argue the involvement of Al Roker in this matter signifies that he deliberately makes episodes of Celebrity Family Feud knowing people will be driven mad and in an effort to end the pain get involved with the death by ice cream sandwich movement.

"Absurd," said Roker. "Celebrity Family Feud is quality television like the show TMZ. Both shows are signs of what the best of broadcasting is all about."

Meanwhile, Richard Dreyfuss has adamantly taken the position that he did not participate in the Education of Max Bickford television show. "I did not appear in that show as it was my evil twin Derrick Dreyfuss. He’s to blame for my having any connection to this awful ice cream sandwich suicide machine that Ernest Brew developed."

Rumors are floating that Al Roker is busy working on the DVD package of the Celebrity Family Feud. "Not true. I want the world to be a better place so I decided not to put out a DVD package or make any more Celebrity Family Feud episodes."


Jack Nicholson Takes Lessons from Tiger Woods
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

The always sly (but now borderline senile) Jack Nicholson has become more conscious of his public image, according to Tiger Woods, who gave the aging actor tips on swinging technique. "Had I known the reason he wanted my help, I might not have said what I did," Tiger confessed when he learned that Nicholson later used a 5 iron to bash in the windshield of an Audi which cut him off in traffic on Hollywood Blvd. "While the amateur video of his swing shows that his technique is flawless, I may have picked another club for that obstacle, too. But at least Jack kept his cool this time, and made it back onto the fairway. . .I mean freeway."


Suicidal Man, Black Widow a Match Made In Heaven
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Although their respective states are known to none but themselves, friends and family

unanimously agree that newlywed couple Donald and Marrissa Flora are a one in a million match who perfectly compliment each other. Donald's thinly veiled dread of life and desire for rest, combined with Marrissa’s vaguely eerie doting has combined to form the illusion of marital bliss.

"After his breakup with [ex-girlfriend] Cathy [Hall], I was really worried about Donny. But since he met Marrissa, he seems better. Still somber, but somehow at peace. It really sets my mind at ease" said Aubrey Flora, Donald's mother. "Donny has always been a sad boy, but he seems to be turning a corner." She's not the only one to notice the change for the better.

Marrissa's long time best friend Chrissy Ruste is also pleasantly surprised by the situation. "It was so difficult for Marrissa, losing [first husband] Gary [Fields] to the accidental overdose, and then [second husband] Brent [Tweet] in that boating accident. I never thought she'd ever entertain the idea of falling in love again. But I think she loves Donald more than the others. It's just great, I wish I had her luck in love."

When not traveling with friends or teaching relationship classes to engaged couples at

Southtown Methodist Church, where the pair have been parishioners since their own engagement, they are each secretly engaged in their own destructive worlds. Donald spends hours contemplating ways of ending his life, having ruled out jumping from the window (due to insufficient height), and sticking his head in the oven (due to it being electric). He'd be happy to know his wife is meeting with greater success.

In an attempt to stifle suspicion at the death of a third husband, Marrissa has settled on

making his murder look like a suicide after intuiting that it seemed fitting. She'll succeed, to each of their relief, after stumbling on a way to induce her husband into stepping in front of a speeding dump truck with the aid of Cayenne pepper and the Eagles' album Hotel California.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Joanne Schiffbauer
Jonathan Lowe
Roger Poppen
Tom O’Donnell

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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