August 2008 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 10 Issue 8
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 September 1st - 14th  August 1st - 14th  July 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Justice Kennedy Caught With Magic 8 Ball on Bench
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

In a bizarre scene that has sent shockwaves through the legal establishment, Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy was found to have a Magic 8 Ball within the sleeves of his judicial vestments while hearing cases.

Often seen as the swing vote on a sharply divided court, having cast the deciding vote on cases ranging from an individual's right to bear arms to the status of inmates a Guantanamo Bay, Kennedy set the court into a trance of stunned silence while hearing arguments in the case of Giles V. California. While gaveling oral arguments to a close the novelty prognosticating device rolled from his sleeve, across the bench before which he sat, and landed on the floor in between the feet of the defense attorney, cracking in the middle and spilling it's odd smelling, purplish fluid on the floor.

While completely unexpected, a fresh examination of Justice Kennedyís opinions has yielded some interesting findings. For instance, the phrase "Reply Hazy, Try Again" appeared in opinions authored by the Justice in excess of 100 times during his tenure on the court. Perhaps most scandalous is this passage from a recent majority opinion: "As pertains to the detainees having a right to habeas corpus, all signs point to yes!"

Kennedy has met with harsh excoriation from strict constructionist, who argue that the framers of the Constitution made no provision for such divination in the American system of government, chiefly due to the lack of plastic at the time of ratification. However, in some parts of academia he has received support. Bethany Thambles, law professor at UC Berkeley noted that "Kennedy's actions are in step with the direction of international law. Ouija boards have been used at [International Court of Justice] The Hague for years."


Don Imus Breaks Record for Apologies
By
Tom OíDonnell -- Contributing Author

It has been officially noted that radio personality, Don Imus, has apologized so many times in the last year that he now holds the record for most apologies by a shock jock conducted by "Older Radio Personalities Playing a Younger Personalities Game" Magazine.

"Donís number one in apologizing," said Wayne Drew, Editor in Chief, "Older Radio Personalities Playing a Younger Radio Personalities Game" Magazine.

Drew said, "Heís sorry for Adam and Eve eating the apple, heís sorry that the Irish potato famine ever occurred, regrets that people get cancer, desperately dreads the thought of citizens with tax problems, sad that we all get old, really is sorry about floods, totally apologizes for droughts, weeps and begs for forgiveness about the idea that people can get colds, asks everyone to forgive him for World War One & World War Two & the Korean War, pleads for mercy that the good jobs are going to other countries, is so sorry that some parents die young, how could you not forgive him for pollution, he asks us all to forgive him for Buddy Holly dying young and is insane asking for mercy over the lack of success of Webtv."

"Don has told me that he will do a radio show in the future where he will link up with every country in the world and apologize for every problem that ever existed," Wayne Drew said.

Wayne Drew said that the staff at "Older Radio Personalities Playing a Younger Radio Personalities Game" Magazine stopped even considering other contestants as the apologies of Don Imus were so numerous that no one came close. Drew adds, "Imus called us and apologized that we had to stop counting."


Dr Phil Explodes
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Famed talk show host and psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw exploded today. He was 57.

Dr. Phil, as he was known to millions, authored many best selling books. His latest, "My Way Or The Highway," and his semi autobiography, "You Don't Have To Think; I'll Think For You" have been on the New York Times Best Seller List for 1000 weeks. They are full of his Texas down home, common sense philosophies. These books, like all of his books, solve every problem known to mankind. That's what he did! That's who he was!

It was rumored that Dr. Phil was being treated by a prominent physician for a number of ailments. The first, an "Inflated Ego." That, coupled with the very lethal "I'm Too Full Of Myself," was thought to be the cause of the explosion.

The studio audience stared in disbelief as Dr. Phil exploded right before their eyes. Crying hysterically, one

woman was overheard saying, "Who is going to solve my problems?" "Who is going to think for me?"

Oprah, Dr. Phil's long time friend and mentor, couldn't be reached for a comment. Her spokesperson told

us that Oprah, after hearing the tragic news, rushed to her Doctor to have her own "Inflated Ego"

checked. He went on to say that it takes a tragedy of this magnitude to make all of us aware of the danger of being "Too Full Of Ourselves."

Dr. Phil's passing leaves all of us to ponder; who is going to take his place? Who is going to fill those big Texas size shoes? Who else could possibly have ALL the answers to ALL of the questions?

Dr. Drew...Dr. Drew Pinsky...Are you ready to step up to the plate? Are you?


Aerosmith Narrowly Averts Decent Album
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Seminal American rock band/roller coaster promoters Aerosmith barely escaped a return to the visceral, authentic rock and roll that characterized their early work when front man Steven Tyler committed himself into a rehab center to combat a relapse into drug addictions.

After blazing forth onto the music scene of the mid 70s with a gutsy, drug-fueled brand of rock that earned the group the sobriquet of "The American Rolling Stones," the band embarked on a new, clean and sober lifestyle that lead to popular singles such as "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" and "Pink."

While unavailable for comment, sources close to the band report that Tyler knew his addiction was beginning to spiral out of control when "he felt like writing an aggressive, 'balls out' song that wouldn't readily fit into a soundtrack or Pepsi commercial." The group's website reports that Tyler is well on the road to recovery, and alerts fans to a forthcoming greatest hits compilation entitled "Annals of the Banal: Four Decades of Hits."


With No George Carlin Who Will Be the Voice of Political Incorrectness?
By
Tom OíDonnell -- Contributing Author

The official demise of the politically incorrect cultural figure was found recently with the passing of George Carlin who spent a career taking on everybody and managing to alienate them all.

"Yes, I looked around the other day and everybody was falling into line quite nicely," said Rammy Davis of the Society of Doing What You Are Told. "Poor Imus apologized for bad weather that day as well as for the outbreak of the flu and we got Stern on satellite radio and who cares what goes on there?"

"Carlin was a once in a lifetime figure who didnít care about the ramifications of what he said but took on the society around him and made people think. Some folks donít like to think much but me I can enjoy a good thought every now and then," said Eddie Priest of the "Thinking Manís Quarterly." Mr. Priest elaborated, "I see Brad Paisley on the radio singing about loving mom and being kind to people. I see some others wanting to make sure those whales are ok. And all that is good but what is even more important is people like Carlin who made us uncomfortable because he challenged us to see beyond the status quo."

"I donít like anything other than all of us thinking the same good thoughts about apple pie and taking care of our lawns," said Mr. Davis.

"But it isnít the go along folks that inspire us. Itís those folks that are not so agreeable like Carlin that get us to wonder and isnít that what itís all about?" said Mr. Priest.

"Not for me. And Iím feeling pretty good seeing how everybody is falling into line quite nicely," said Mr. Davis.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Joanne Schiffbauer
Tom OíDonnell

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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