July 2008 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 10 Issue 7
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 August 1st - 14th  July 1st - 14th  June 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Peter Griffin to Vote for Ron Paul
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Peter Griffin, the Family Guy, has decided to organize a write-in campaign for Ron Paul, but it's not the Ron Paul everyone knows. "It's my half brother Ron Paul Griffin from West Virginia. I don't think Ron wants the job, but I just feel he should be forced to take it. We need a man in the White House who has never even been in bed with a lawyer. Plus wouldn't it be cool to see the annual Redneck Games hosted on the White House lawn, particularly the Cow Flop Long Jump or the Turkey Gizzard Chowdown? Ron hasn't gone to some Ivy League school, either, although I think he fell into some poisoned ivy once. If enough people write him in, I think I can convince his wife Etta Mae that she can sell more moonshine to politicians than she can to her third cousins. She can babysit for Stewie, too, and let him be foreign policy advisor. Can't be any worse than what we got now."


Rapper is Super Hero in New Marvel Movie
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Marvel Comic Films (DC, LLC) have run out of super heroes, due largely to the outrageous demands made by WOCCU, the widows of comic creators union. So CEO Jeremy Levinstein has optioned the rights to use rap stars as fuel for America's insatiable need for speed, greed, bleed and feed. "People are still hungry out there," Levinstein summed up at Marvel's annual World Domination Conference, "and we intend to sell them another entire mountain range of buttered popcorn, floating on an ocean of high fructose corn syrup!" When asked if the idea wasn't a bit corny, the CEO raised his iron fist and proclaimed, "We will bury everyone!" The first movie, budgeted at $114,000,000, will feature LUDACRIS in a purple cape battling corrupt LAPD narcs from a flying stretch limo (while eyeing women with his X ray vision.) Also planned is JAY-Z as Zeus, SNOOP DOGG as an investigative journalist (with XXX ray vision), DMX (high tech BMX along the DMZ), and KANYE WEST as. . . Kanye West.


Local High School Just Like Nazi Germany
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Area Junior Dave Criss, radical agitator and treasurer of the Thespians Club, this week released a scathing denunciation of the staff and faculty of Frederick Douglas Memorial High School, in which he detailed a list of harrowing incidents that evince the fascistic trends of his school and of the nation in general.

"Dude, this whole plastic school is a right wing reeducation camp," the visibly agitated malcontent said from the podium, a huge banner bearing a collage of icons - from the Hammer & Sickle insignia to the cover art for The Clash's album Combat Rock - hanging in the back. Among his complaints were school policies such as restrictions on the content of vending machines and the ban on in-class texting, which Criss called "An attack on the first, eighth, and, like, probably the eighteenth Amendments."

Condemnation of the totalitarian atmosphere of the school was most vituperative when Criss made mention of the "Lysistrata Incident", in which Criss claims the school's administration prevented a production of Aristophanes' Lysistrata in a bid to "keep the lid on all the crimes coming from the front office".

"'Adolph' Schroeder [Principal Greg Schroeder] and his inner circle of racists made a bunch of corporate lies about the play not having enough male parts and some crap about not having the budget to buy a penis-shaped cup, but really, they just wanted to silence dissent." The Drama Department staged Romeo and Juliet instead.

Despite his almost volcanic paroxysm against the school, he also castigated his fellow classmates for their complicity in the reactionary environment of the school. "The halls of Douglas High are full of little, MTV zombies in their Abercrombie and Fitch clothes and sale-out, dead white male music like Mariah Carey and Nickleback. It's a miracle to see anybody but me and Eddie [fellow Junior Edward Kopetski] wearing a Che t-shirt or listening to Frank Zappa."

Criss closed the news conference with a list of demands that he deemed critical for turning the "tsunami tide of fascism" crashing over the school. Included was a call for the name of the school to be changed. "What kind of Klansman names a school after that proto-Nazi Douglas? He totally debated Lincoln, and that's just wrong."


70's Retro Craze Enters 28th Year
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Be it Afro style hair, disco balls, or bands named after geographic locations, popular culture's love of the styles, affectations, and comportments of the 1970's has entered its twenty-ninth year of mass adulation.

Today marks the date in 1980 when Will Lockton wore platform shoes and a garish, polyester suit to a frat party between his junior and senior years at Ohio State. Currently the proprietor of a small used pet store in Augusta, GA, Mr. Lockton had this to say concerning the fad he kicked off a lifetime ago: "I'm flattered to have been the first in a long, long line of people to send up the 70's. Keep on truckin'."

Despite a slight downturn during the 60's revival period of the mid-90's, the 70's nostalgia movement has been a driving cultural force for nearly three decades, influencing everything from fashion to music to television. Experts currently estimate no less than 74% of the cultural artifice of the past twenty-eight years is in some form or fashion derivative of the 70's zeitgeist .

Cornelius "Dy-no-mite" Flatmore of the Society For Seventys Preservation predicts the trend to last well into the next decade and beyond. "It is the sentiment of myself and my distinguished colleagues that the innate absurdity and transcendent, postmodern superficiality of the seventies will continue to elicit the sort of reflexive jolt of existential despair that has propelled the movement this far. I mean, come on, bell bottoms are hilarious."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Jonathan Lowe

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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