June 2008 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 10 Issue 6
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 July 1st - 14th  June 1st - 14th  May 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Horoscopes
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Aries: America's declining literacy will become starkly clear after your line of Cliff's Notes for Nic At Night become a runaway success.

Taurus: There is no such thing as too much kindness. Donate a kidney at least once a month.

Gemini: While the image of "the starving artist" has romantic cachet, skipping lunch to draw lewd stick figures is not enchanting.

Cancer: The stars wish to remind you that spending a night of passion with the one you love will never be regretted. Just leave your shades down this time.

Leo: Don't be afraid to pursue a Philosophy degree. Being the only assistant manager at Burger King to have read Critique Of Pure Reason is very empowering.

Virgo: Projecting your own insecurities onto others will only expose you as the no count loser you are and I'm not.

Libra: Financial security will come your way after you realize your dream of being hit by a train.

Scorpio: Confusing the merely urgent for the truly important is a ready path to sorrow. Keep your hands out of your pants and on the elephant gun.

Sagittarius: It's often hard to see things from another's point of view. Try to identify with your tape worm before you ask rashly.

Capricorn: Cast your doubts aside and finally write that novel you've had bottled up inside you all these years. The world is finally ready to hear about the travails of upper class British society.

Aquarius: Let a smile be your umbrella, but be sure to waterproof your lips.

Pisces: You will immediately regret your decision to build a brothel over the remains of the world's only burial ground for Native American pets.


American Alcoholics Demand Canadian Holiday
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Citing the lack of a socially acceptable excuse to overindulge in Canadian beers and whiskeys, America's dipsomaniacal community is urging Congress to recognize a day in honor of the Great White North.

During a protest rally outside the capital, red-nosed sots donned NHL jerseys and held signs with comments such as "Make Molson American" and "No Crown Royal, No Peace." Rally organizer and keynote speaker Darrell Imbers was poignant in his remarks to the crowd. "If I want to drink tequila until I vomit into my sombrero, I have Cinco de Mayo. If I want to down pint after pint of Guinness until I'm so drunk and belligerent I hate Catholics and Protestants, I have St. Patty's Day. But when I want to guzzle enough Windsor to kill a moose, what recourse do I have?"

Authorities reported the incendiary comments of Imbers lead some in the crowd to become unruly. However, the crowd quietly dispersed after someone suggested getting some biscuits and gravy.


Real World Announces Location of Next Season: Skid Row
By
Mari Plante -- Staff Writer

The Real World's 52nd season is set to take place on Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles. This season instead of a lavish, posh, apartment the cast members will be living in three refrigerator boxes until they can earn enough money for all seven of them to move into a studio apartment. Among this seasons cast members are a crack whore, a woman studying to be a nun, a gansta rappin pimp, a preschool teacher who moonlights as a stripper, a carnival side show sword swallower and an unidentified celebrity with a thing for "carnie lovin'." The premiere episode is scheduled to air in July 2008.


Paterson Fires Speechwriter
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

Begins search for new writer to replace Mr. Starr

Disappointed by the tepid public response to his lurid, tell-all inaugural address, New York Governor David Paterson has announced plans to replace his current speechwriter, Kenneth Starr, with "Someone who knows how to talk in polite company."

"I hired Mr. Starr," explained Patterson, "because I thought it would be good to start off my first term by lowering expectations, and Ken has an unparalleled reputation for lowering the bar. I guess he was just too good at his job."

Mr. Starr, however, insists the real problem was that the speech as Paterson delivered it was not lurid enough. "If he had simply read the speech as I wrote it," Starr claimed, "the public response would have been very different indeed.

"The problem," Starr explained, "is that people donít like to find out that their elected officials are keeping secrets from them. If the leaders we elect are having these wonderful sexual escapades, then they have a duty to share their adventures with the rest of us. In detail.

"Thatís why the public turned on Elliott Spitzer and Jim McGreevey--and why they would have turned on Bill Clinton if I hadnít worked so diligently to put his adventures in the public eye where they belong. And I tried to do the same for David Paterson, but he just wouldnít work that blue. I donít know why; itís not like heís Clarence Thomas or Larry Craig. They still have their jobs, because it wasnít about sex they had, just sex they wouldíve had if they had the chance."

Among the details Paterson edited out of Starrís original draft for his speech:

* New and surprising uses of Altoids

* Play-by-play of threesome with guide dog

* A cautionary note for adolescent boys: it really can make you blind.

Other candidates for the position of speechwriter include Susie Bright, Annie Sprinkles, and "Tiffany" from Penthouse Letters. Xaviera Hollander, author of The Happy Hooker, Fiesta of the Flesh, and Xaviera on the Best Part of a Man, has declined the position in favor of an assignment working on former governor Spitzerís biography and, um, other positions. Starr will continue to write about the governorís sex life as the subject of his new daily column for the New York Post.


Craig Caught in Stall with Ahmadinejad
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

Kennedy International Airport, New York, NY

In a surprise raid that surprised almost no one, airport security captured Iowa Senator Larry Craig tapping boots with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in an airport bathroom. Said Craig, "This man is a dangerous terrorist . . . or potential funder of terrorists. I was trying to wrestle him into submission. It's not my fault our clothes came off in the struggle. Really, I was just trying to tell him he had something on his shoe. I was intimidated because he's . . . um . . . short. You're profiling me because I'm a senator. I won't say any more until my lawyer tells me which story I should stick to."

This incident may shed new light on the U.S. visit in which Ahmadinejad proclaimed that homosexuality does not exist in his country. "Here we thought he was boasting about it," says Dr Haydn Fettish of the Society for the Study of the Sexual Idiosyncrasies of Extremists, "when in fact he was just complaining because he couldn't get any back home."

Ahmadinejad's press secretary, Ismail Onmailakshin, offered another explanation. "Your language is so full of slang," Onmailakshin said; our dictionaries cannot keep up. "When President Ahmadinejad said that no one in Iran is gay, he did not mean homosexual; he only meant that no one there is particularly cheerful."

Senator Craig gave a similar explanation for his well-known "I am not gay" speech. "I don't know what's wrong," said Craig. "I have all the ingredients of happiness--a sham marriage, anonymous sex, and a career based on lies--but somehow I just don't feel fulfilled. I must not be doing it right."

In the end, Airport Security released both men without charges--Ahmadinejad because of diplomatic immunity, and Craig because he was just too pathetic. Said Security Chief Ben Dover, "It just didn't seem sporting."


Clinton Throws Kitchen Sink at Obama
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

In the last debate of the Democratic primary, Senator Hilary Clinton, when asked whether the campaign had become too negative, took a porcelain kitchen sink from behind the podium and physically flung it at her opponent, Barack Obama. Obama stepped gracefully to the side but still suffered a glancing blow from the porcelain fixture, after which he stumbled, appeared about to collapse, and then regained his composure.

Prompted for a rebuttal, Obama responded, "I would like to thank Senator Clinton for throwing this sink at me. I am certain when her husband was President, she likewise had to endure assault with porcelain fixtures, and I appreciate her keeping me on my toes."

Pundits were quick to analyze this development.

"Did you see that?" said Sean Hannity, replaying the clip. "He stepped aside. If youíre going to be the leader of the Free World, you need to be made of stronger stuff than that."

"What I want to know," said Rush Limbaugh, "is why Barack Hussein Obama didnít throw that sink right back at her. I think this shows heíll be soft on terrorists and, worse yet, soft on Democrats."

"A real man wouldíve let that bitch have it," said Ann Coulter. "The last thing America needs is some belligerent blonde with nothing to back up her arguments telling us how to run our country."

"This is the crisis of a woman in public office," said noted feminazi Andrea Dworkin. "She must appear strong, which our male-dominated society equates with violence, but she must also avoid threatening menís preconceived notions of a womanís role. I can see why she would feel that attacking her opponent--the violent, masculine approach--with a fixture from the kitchen--the womanís traditional domain--was the only recourse left to her. Well, that and it was the only thing she hadnít tried.

"Had Clinton been a true feminist," Dworkin added, "she would know she could attain the same balance of power and domesticity by castrating her husband with a meat cleaver."

Dworkin and Coulter are scheduled to duel with flamethrowers tomorrow at noon on pay-per-view.

Former President Bill Clinton suggested that Obama was making this personal. "To talk about plumbing fixtures like that--I donít know," said the former President. "Itís obvious he was hinting at the bathroom sink I leaned up against during. . . you know."

A spokesman for Obama denied that the rebuttal had anything to do with President Clinton and . . .  you know, insisting that Senator Obama had not read the Starr Report in its entirety and could not be expected to remember every detail.

Senator Clinton seized on Obamaís not having read the Starr Report as an opportunity to characterize him as elitist. "I donít know why he hasnít read that report," Clinton said. "Apparently my opponent is the only American other than me who has no interest in my husbandís sex life."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd
Mari Plante

Contributing Writers:
David Sklar

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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