May 2008 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 10 Issue 5
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 June 1st - 14th  May 1st - 14th  April 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Pink to Change Name to Purple
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Singing sensation Pink announced this week that she was moving on to purple. "It’s a more regal color, and more dignified, whatever that means," the artist told Matt Lauer and Jay Leno on Monday. "A crown would be nice too, considering Alicia Keyes gots her so many Grammys. I just want more respect from the punks out there!" Reacting to the news, the artist formerly known as Prince has threatened to sue, along with Oprah Winfrey and Steven Spielberg on behalf of the color purple itself.


Obama Farted!
By
Boris Entwistle -- Contributing Author

Forty years after Martin Luther King got the runs after eating a batch of past-its-sell-by-date Vindaloo, a fart let out close to a battery of microphones by the presidential candidate Barack Obama has once again led America to search its soul.

Did Obama perhaps eat too many beans trying to edge in on Hilary's Hispanic vote? Or was it too many blintzies consumed on fund-raising trips to New York? To these questions, and many more, you will find answers – hundreds and hundreds of answers – on every blog, in every newspaper, on every chat show, in every living room in America. But all we can say with true certainty is that Obama's peptic parp has once again seized the initiative and the moral high ground, and recast the political agenda in this most fascinating of elections.

That's because Americans are now absorbed in one of their periodic public debates about digestion and what it truly means to be an American. Usually, these debates are provoked by controversial food items, like OJ Simpson's crème brulee or the uneaten hamburger of Rodney King, but now Obama's inspired act of anal rhetoric has spread the debate to the four corners of this great country that is, now, after 40 years of inner nutritional discomfort, finally waking up to the quintessential essense of what it means to be American.

What does it matter that the presidential candidate's church's minister, the Rev Wright, once disparaged such White American staples as Apple pie and Twinkies and even expressed a preference for Halal food and the recipes of the foreign chef Osama bin Zeardunzat? Though all this might sound like cacophony to the British ear, the conversation does, if you listen closely, reveal the complexity of the state of gastronomical relations in America.

A couple of weeks ago, in a speech Obama made following the mass exposition of the Rev Wright's views on food additives, he put it like this: "I like all kinds of food – health, junk, Mexican, Asian, Puerto Rican, Serbo-Croat, matza, you name it! And I will never forget that in no other country on Earth is my story even possible."

And indeed there are Americans, of every race, every hue, and every culinary disposition who want Obama to succeed precisely because he talks like this, and, more importantly because he eats the food and farts the fart.


Horoscopes
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Aries: Your love life will take an unexpected turn when you start a job at a plant that produces doe scent and refurbished corn cobs.

Taurus: Time has come for you to complete your education. The market for clowns is at its apex.

Gemini: Take time to find inner peace. External peace will be impossible after you offend the Hari Krishners.

Cancer: You will learn who your true friends are after initiating a campaign to have the drinking age lowered to match the age of consent.

Leo: Recommit yourself to your weight loss goals. You will soon develop an allergy to sweat pants.

Virgo: There is no time like the present. Cash out your 401K and get that Dukes of Hazard dune buggy you've always wanted.

Libra: Exude self esteem and success will come your way. Don't hesitate to brag about being first chair tuba player in the high school band.

Scorpio: When faced with a stressful situation, remember drugs and alcohol are only short term solutions. Instead, seek solace in masturbation.

Sagittarius: Hard work is the key to solving your current crisis. A fire extinguisher would be a big help as well.

Capricorn: Try to find the positive in bad events. Being shot in Ford's Theater will thrust you into select company.

Aquarius: The water sign has a unique opportunity for personal growth. Fortunately, gigantism can be successfully treated.

Pisces: You will become an icon among environmentally conscious perverts when you produce a new line of carbon neutral porn.


Dozens Killed in Wake of Brilliant Liberal Satirist
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

The number of deaths, most from violent laughter, has steadily climbed since the launch of liberal satire site www.RepublicansAreBad.com. The brainchild of famed left wing humorist Joseph "The Lenin of Laughter" Rothchild, RepublicansAreBad.com has delivered trenchant and urbane spoofs of topics ranging from SUVs to Toby Keith that have left a trail of hilarious destruction in its path.

The most recent casualties were employees of a used book store in Bloomington, IN. Indiana University students Trisha Osgood, 20, of Eau Claire, WI, and Reginald French, 22, Flagstaff, AZ, were victims of dual lung rupture - the trademark injury of this epidemic - upon reading a piece entitled "Bush to Torture Environment While Mispronouncing Words."

Coworker Fawn Davenport spoke w/ Farce Haven about the incident. "Me and Trish and Reggie were on the breakroom computer reading RAB, laughing really hard. When we got to the part about George W. Hitler waterboarding a spotted owl and calling it an 'terrorist aminal' they just lost it. Then I heard the popping noise. The Sociology Department will never be the same."

Several concerned liberals, including powerhouse groups such as MoveOn.org, are urging Congress to take action to prevent further carnage. Sen. Charles Schumer, (D) NY, is expected to introduce legislation to make it a crime for liberals to view the site. "This is exactly the kind of protection from ourselves we deserve" declared Gertrude Pilgrim, director of Legislate Independence Bye-bye, otherwise known as L.I.B..

Never one to pass up a chance to lampoon current events, Rothchild has already posted a parody of the proposed legislation. "Cheney Opposes Liberal Saving Legislation To Oppress Gays and Enrich Haliburton" is expected to lead to another spate of deaths.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Boris Entwistle
Jonathan Lowe

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2003
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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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