April 2008 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 10 Issue 4
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 May 1st - 14th  April 1st - 14th  November 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

USPS Message to Osama Bin Laden
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

The United States Postal Service (USPS) has initiated a request to Osama Bin Laden, or any of his Islamic extremist associates, to please forward his current mailing address in Pakistan. The information can be sent to the main post office in Washington DC at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave or via a toll free number, and will be treated with the utmost regards to Osama's right to privacy.

It seems that Christmas and New Years greeting cards, fruitcakes and gifts are piling up, to a point where USPS storage space has become a problem. The various gifts, are part of the USMC sponsored "Ordnance for Osama" holiday program, that helps needy Islamic terrorists living in caves. Such gift items as Tomahawk missiles, JDAMs (various sizes), Bunker Busters and other presents have been carefully put aside for delivery to Mr. Bin Laden.

United States Air Force, Army and Navy/Coast Guard personnel have graciously volunteered their time and equipment over the holidays to deliver these gifts completely free of charge. Osama please call this toll free number immediately to expedite overnight shipping by air. Operators are standing by, night and day, to hear from you or your associates at 1-800-555-BUSH.

Thank you and a Merry Christmas to you and Mrs. Bin Laden.


James Patterson Knighted
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Actor Morgan Freeman was on hand as bestselling author James Patterson was knighted this week to the Order of the Knights of the Round Table, an elite assembly of authors whose work supplies the inspiration for many of Tinsel Town's itinerant screenwriters. "All of the seven deadly sins are represented in this man," Freeman told the group assembled for the ceremony, "and so he richly deserves to be seated with you." Joining the other members of the exclusive club, Patterson took his seat at the giant round table. "I want to thank all my lucky stars," Patterson said, lifting the Holy Grail passed to him for a ritual sip of goat's blood, "and the fourteen people who gave their lives so I could be here today, not to mention the thousands of other struggling wannabes who just don't get it." On the way out, Morgan Freeman commented that the mystery meat served for the occasion was particularly tasty, and that it did not at all taste like chicken.


Contributors to the Current Issue of Damn-Good Poetry Journal
By
John Sheirer -- Contributing Author

Suzie-Anne McWorstershire is a part-time composition teacher at Mohegan Sun Junior College in Uncasville, Connecticut. She is the author of twelve unpublished novels and a writer's guidebook, How to Write and Publish Your Novel, for which she is currently seeking a publisher.

Rock Stark is a photographer from Idaho who sells hunting knives at a kiosk in the Boise Mall. He is on staff at Killdeer Magazine.

Bradley Brady is director of the Ph.D. program in creative writing at Minnesota Oceanic University. This is his first publication.

Karen Jones is a full-time mother of three who writes erotica between four and six in the morning.

Vern Clavicle is the author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing Books for Dummies.

Gunthar Spackle teaches pilates at the Evergreen Nursing Home in Racine, Wisconsin.

Ron Turneck lives in a cabin in northern Alaska where he writes travel essays, video games instruction booklets, and anti-technology manifestoes.

Betty Roberts has been a nurse for twenty-three years. Her one-act play, "Four Out of Five Doctors are Jerks" premiered at the Woohawken Playwright's Festival last year.

Annette Overbeck is a poet and co-editor of the literary e-zine pocketlocket.com. Her pudding sculptures are on display at the Sub-Zero Gallery in Phoenix, Arizona.

Lynnette Lifshintoning has published 432 books of poetry, most recently, Collected Works: August 14, 2003, 3:15 to 4:45 p.m.

Dudley Kingsmuffin studies poetry at the Colorado Gradute School of Culinary Arts. His work has previously appeared in Runty Sprout, Gravy Wave, and Digestion Digest.

The estate of Mildred Kennison writes, "These poems were found under Grandma's pillow in her own handwriting. If you publish them, are they worth any money yet, or does she have to be dead longer?"


Emmy Kills Emma
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

A fifty foot tall 24-caret gold Emmy statue weighing sixty thousand pounds crumpled and fell under its own weight, crushing Emma Kowalski, a pregnant mother of three watching a TV monitor outside the awards pavilion this week. The incident went unnoticed by the more than nine hundred other star-struck fans because one of the stars of Grey's Anatomy had just stepped outside to share a "cigarette" with the host of Power of 10. The damaged statue was taken under tight security to a warehouse in Burbank, where it will be melted down to make jewelry for gangster rappers attending the MTV awards. Emma will be buried in Wichita next to her grandmother, who was killed last year by a falling gold Grammy.


Horoscopes
By
Bill Shepherd -- Contributing Author

Aries: Freely encourage those around you.Your positive attitude will be a big help down at the abortion clinic.

Taurus: Withholding your emotions is never advisable. Be sure to let your loved ones know just how disappointing they are.

Gemini: Your desire to live a life worth of the movies will be realized after a shark attacks you are being raped in an army/navy surplus store.

Cancer: Business problems will befall you this month once you learn that the target demographic for your line of Star Trek themed condoms is surprisingly small.

Leo: Quiet confidence never goes out of style. The stars suggest a combination of surgical tongue removal and profound self deception.

Virgo: Be wary of new age charlatans pushing vaguely worded advice. Stick to the horoscopes for guidance.

Libra: Struggle is simply a prelude to success. Keep perfecting your ceiling buffing machine until you prove all the scoffers wrong.

Scorpio: Learn as much as possible about making urine potable. That knowledge will soon become indispensable.

Sagittarius: Be willing to swallow your pride and admit that two heads are better than one. You didn't get gonorrhea alone, and you won't cure it alone.

Capricorn: You've always prided yourself on being about the political fray, but you will feel compelled to enter the debate after Congress passes a law taxing lap dances.

Aquarius: Your childhood fascination with Aquaman will come full circle after a drunken trip to the aquarium leaves you with the nickname "King of the Sea."

Pisces: Your almost religious devotion to Bud Dry will be proven beyond all doubt once you immolate yourself in front of the Anheuser Busch headquarters after they discontinue the beloved beer.


Gerald Farti, Armchair Political Analyst Says Democratic Nomination About Race, Age and Gender -- And No One Gives A Shit
By
John Blackemire -- Contributing Author

Absolutely no stir was caused at a Thursday afternoon press conference arranged by town drunk and armchair political analyst Gerald Farti when he claimed during a speech about dog grooming that the Democratic Nomination is completely about race, gender and age.

In remarks that failed to generate a political and media firestorm the twenty three year old backyard pharmacist pointed out, "All of our presidents to date have been old stodgy white dudes. It is time for candidates to step up to plate and change that. Let someone else fuck up our country for a change."

When asked why Fartiís comments failed to create a stir, one local reporter told us on the condition of anonymity, "Well, we not only didnít know Farti played the mother in the Hillary Clinton "White House phone rings" ad, we didnít know that he was loosely affiliated supporter of the Obama campaign. I mean heís the town drunk -- who in their right mind would go to that conference?

"Besides, if we knew we could warp anything Farti said into something that would make Clinton look like an absolute tool, we would have been all over that like flies on maple syrup drenched shit covered pancakes, especially if it helped my man Barrack. Not that Clinton needs help looking like a tool."

When asked how closely Farti was a supporter of Barrack Obamaís campaign, our anonymous source, Marty Jenkings, reporter for the Santa Theresa Daily Cobblestone --told us, "Okay okay, he wasnít the mother in the Clinton ad -- he was once a key grip on the set of the stock footage being shot next door to the stock footage used in the Clinton ad."

When asked how that was even close to proving any form of support or affiliation with the Obama campaign, Marty replied, "Well, Farti smoked weed, Obama smoked weed. Both men have been to Iowa . . .Weíre the press -- trust me, we know what weíre talking about and itís not like we make shit up ALL the time. Itís okay to let go of your intellect and put your decisions and trust in us, your friends. After all, smart people listen to the press. Oh -- and Oprah. Go Obama!"


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Bill Shepherd
John Blackemire
John Sheirer
Jonathan Lowe
Philbert of Macadamia

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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