May 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 4
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 May 15th - 31st  May 1st - 14th  April 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

Space Aliens Launch Fast Food Restraunt Chain
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Representatives of the aliens known only as The Aliens From The Constellation Known As The Southern Cross or ACKAS for short announced plans Tuesday to unveil a new chain of vegetarian hamburger restraunts named Crop Circles Hamburgers(C).

Vriki Tiki Tavi, representative of the ACKAS alien race told The FarceHaven that the Crop Circles chain will specialize in a variety of soy, bean sprout, tofu and spinach based burgers and tacos.

"We will also be specializing in a new Atkins-friendly menu where purchasers can choose a variety of meat-based replacements for ingredients in our vegatable-based burgers.

"And for those with more carnivorous instincts, we also specialize in a variety of meat-based salads and broth enriched soups. After all, we don't want to alienate our meat-eating brothers here on Earth -- that's not good marketing."

The Ralien ambassador to the United Nations was contacted by the FarceHaven but would not comment on whether or not the Raliens will open a competing chain of restraunts.

United Nations Secretary Kofi Annan declined to comment on whether or not he would eat at the ACKASian restraunts.


Man Arrested For Misconduct With A Motor Vehicle

A Texas man was arrested Tuesday for, according to police reports, 'misconduct with a motor vehicle.'

"It all began two Tuesdays before the current Tuesday," Jed Cuffit, police spokesmen, told the assembled press last Tuesday. "911 dispatchers get a call from one Martha Toadwart, area busybody claiming that our suspect was doing unmentionable things to his 1954 Cadillac El Derado."

When asked what was being done to the El Derado, Cuffit replied. "Well damn it all! Didn't I say what he did was unmentionable! How am I supposed to mention the unmentionable act our unnamed suspect committed to aforementioned vehicle when the danged fool deed was unmentionable???? All I can say is that man's lucky we figured out that man's car was a girl car cause if it was a boy car we Texans would have had us a hangin'!"

"Now hold on a minute there sheriff," Pete Peterson, reporter for the FarceHaven Gazette, Texas based competitor for the FarceHaven Tribune interjected. "If it's all right by you to shoot someone who's messing with your truck and to shoot your wife for cheatin' on you, then what could this man have possibly done that was so bad that you can't talk about it?"

"Look--" Cuffit replied. "What a man does in his own garage with his car is his own busines. Why, when I was a boy, I used to put on this tu tu and smother my chest with whipped cream before visiting my Hemi, and I don't know what the hell Martha was doing looking in that window, but she had a video camera.

Cuffit has enlisted the aid of former special prosecutor Kenneth Star, who agreed to join the investigation deeming the issue one of the gravest national importance. Both men expect to see results by the end of the week.


Tres Fire Island

In an effort to prove the truth in the statement, ĎWhatís the point of being stupid if you canít show it off?í a Long Island New York man died after setting fire to a rug in his home ironically located on Fire Island and daring his roommate to stay in the house with him as the fire spread.

Thomas Woods, 59, then decided to take the hilarity one step farther by taking a nap on the couch as his roommate Rod Bennett, who presumably had a few more IQ points than Mr. Woods, ran to a neighborís house to summon the Fire Department. Mr. Woods awoke in time to realize that he was about to die and tried to flee the burning house, but luckily for the human gene pool was unsuccessful in the attempt. It took 75 firefighters as well as neighbors who formed a bucket brigade to extinguish both Mr. Woods and the house.

In a major leap of Investigative Reasoning, local police are looking into whether Mr. Woods had been drinking at the time of the dare, or whether he was just really stupid. The Chivas Regal Company has denied any wrongdoing in the incident saying in a written statement, "Alcohol doesnít kill people, people just drink alcohol and kill themselves."

(This story has been approved by Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse)


Omorosa Gets Hit On Head, Takes Vacation in Tahiti

During a recent job interview for an image consultant position, Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth was hit on the head with a baloney sandwhich by an angry Average Joe 3 fan who was in fact aiming for Omorosa's interviewer, former Average Joe contestant, prize and day trader Adam Mesh.

"I was trying to knock to sense into him," said Vriki Tiki Tavi, representative of the ACKASS alien race. "We ACKASians are deeply saddened by Adam's choice of Samantha. Clearly Rachael would have made a better life mate. Adam must have been thinking with the second head that all male earthlings have--the one with no brains."

When asked about the situation Jed Cuffit, Texan police spokesmen had this to say about the situation:

"While it's unfortunate that an attack has been made on former Average Joe Adam Mesh, I'm sure as hell happy that brick of a balooney sandwhich smacked that woman square in the head. Hopefully it knocked some cents into her. Get it? Cents?"

"I swear, its the strangest thing," Mesh said in a telephone interview. "I'm getting ready to kiss Omoraosa in the hottub and this baloney sandwhich goes flying by my head. The next thing I know she says 'Ow! I must have a concussion or something. I can't work for you right now.' The last thing I heard, she was on a flight to Tahiti."

When asked by police if he could identify the assailant, Adam had this to say. "I didn't really get a look at the guy what with my tongue being down some girl's throat and all, but that guy that threw the sandwich--you know me--I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but that guy's got a really crappy throwing arm. He needs to get on my two step get in shape plan available at www.adampicksprettygirls.com."

Police currently have Samantha Trenk in custody in relation to the crime and have yet to formally place charges. However popular theory suggests that Trenk may have put out a hit on her former prize in retaliation for his choosing her over Rachael.

"I just have to face facts," Samantha said in a recent interview. "Rachael was all substance. I just can't live with the fact that Adam chose me over her. I love him enough to push him towards the right choice; baloney is much healthier than the crap he usually eats."


That Just Burns Me Up

President Bush was astounded to find out that the country is sorely disappointed by his performance on the employment front. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Look, the President ran on a platform of jobs cremation and weíve cremated over 3 million jobs. As a matter of fact, we couldnít lose enough jobs in this country by the traditional routes so we first asked Ken Lay to bankrupt Enron...then we got World Com to go belly up. That collapsed the markets, costing trader and financial jobs. But even that wasnít good enough for George Bush so he rolled up his sleeves and got busy by actually sending jobs that still existed to India and Mexico. Is he great or what?"

When informed that what the country wanted was jobs creation, not job cremations, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of more anonymity responded, "What? Creation? What the hell are you talking about? We were sure it was cremation. Itís gotta be cremation. Youíre yanking my chain, arenít you?"

When informed that this reporter was definitely not yanking Waterhouseís chain, he replied, speaking on the condition of more anonymity, "Actually, I always kinda wondered about that. It must be the way he talks. You know, he has a way of running words through the phonetic meat grinder that I personally find just so cute but can sometimes really change a meaning. No Childís Left Behind was one example. We thought it was supposed to be an anti-molestation bill and it turned out to be an education program, No Child Left Behind. One letter can sure screw things up. Now that I think about it, maybe it was Iran we were supposed to attack, not Iraq. Oh well, it doesnít really matter at the end of the day, I suppose. After all, who listens to George Bush anyway?"


Here Comes the Judge

United States Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scaliaís security detail spent a productive day erasing reporters tape recordings of a speech the Conservative Republican Justice gave at a Mississippi Christian high school. A local Hattiesburg rube, in this case Deputy U.S. Marshall Melanie Rube confiscated the cassette tape of one reporter and erased the digital recording of another.

An aide to Justice Scalia, Billy Bob Jimmy Joe John (Bubba) Birch, speaking on the condition that all reporters notes and tapes would be confiscated after the interview said,

"Justice Antonin ( Fuck the First Amendment) Scalia has a long standing policy of not allowing anyone but Right Wing Conservative Religious Nuts to hear anything he has to say. The problem in the past has been that the Liberal Godless Press has distorted Justice Scaliaís innocent comments and deeds. For instance, the Liberal Godless Heathens in the Press really put a negative spin on the fact that Justice Scalia, one of this countries defenders of Truth, Justice and the American Way, refused to recuse himself from a case involving his duck hunting buddy Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney. I mean, if you canít do backroom deals with the guys youíre judging over a few dead ducks and then hide it from the press what fun is it to be a Supreme Court Justice?"

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "President George (The Man Who Would Be King) Bush and Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney stand firmly behind Judge Scalia, whatever the hell he said. We believe that just as this Administration doesnít have any responsibility to be honest with the American People, any Conservative Supreme Court Justice should be immune from the scrutiny of anyone who disagrees with our repressive agenda. Besides, truth is such a subjective thing, donít you think?"


Cynical Sound Bites:

Conservative radio commentator Rush Limbaugh, after his five week stay a drug rehabilitation center has stated, "Look, so I got a little fucked up for a few years, no biggie. The important thing to remember is Iím a wealthy Conservative with close ties to the White House and millions of listeners that are stupid enough to believe every thing I tell them. Itís not like I was some ghetto junkie or worse, a Democrat, so shut up and give me a pill."

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George W. Bush, speaking about David Kay being appointed to head a special team of investigators to search for evidence of his service in the Texas Air National Guard , "I want this investigation to be honest, above board and above all I want it to clear me, no matter what the actual evidence says. Thereís an election to win damn it."

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Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse on the Presidentís new election strategy, "... weíre going to see exactly how many people we can insult and alienate and still win the election. You see, weíre not worried about losing, the fix is in. Weíve got the money we need to inundate the airwaves, to buy the Supreme Court and thereís been talk of just buying off John Kerry too, just for fun. Itís gonna be a great year. Next week Condi Rice is going to call the nations police forces Nazi wannabes and Don Rumsfeld is planning on calling Tony Blair a pasty faced git."

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President Bush, speaking on the condition that at least one person still believes anything he says said, "I promise Iíll do better if you re elect me. Iíll give everyone all the money they want and Iíll, yeah and Iíll be good, really. Iíll be the bestest President this countries ever had. Laura will bake cookies and the twins will strip, uh, I mean the twins will lead a sing-a-long. Gee, itíll be great."


President Responds to 9-11 Intelligence Allegations

President Bush responded Tuesday to 9-11 allegations that he did not act on intelligence.

"C'mon folks," the President said. "Y'all should know me by now. Since when have I ever acted with intelligence?"

In response as to why his administration could not forsee the 9-11 attacks, the President had this to say:"

"Well, we used to have Miss Cleo on retainer, but we had to let her go after that scandal. You just can't have scandal in the White House."

"Besides, I used to always get Cleo and Condi confused. I used to ask the Secret Service boys which was which and I could always tell which one was Condi from that point. She has this way of rolling her eyes that no one else can imitate."

"One time, I even got Laura and Cleo confused. Talk about your awkward shower-side conversations. Sheesh."


Sandra Bellbutt Leaves Animal Rights Group PETA for Atkins Diet

Area model Sandra Bellbutt, formerly of vegatables rights group PITA, recently left her new fad PETA for a newer fad, the Atkins diet. A spokesman for Bellbutt said in a press conference that BellButt thought it was time to do something about that famous Bell Butt. "It's amazing," BellButt friend and confidante Tima Snyder said in an interview, "Sandra's already lost 50 pounds, though I don't remember regurgitation being part of the Atkin's diet."

When asked if Snyder feared future liver problems for BellButt while the model is on the Atkin's diet, Snyder replied, "Liver? why would she have any liver problems? You can eat all the meat you want on Atkins!"


Gremlin Onslaught Continues:

The Cynic Online Magazine announced Sunday that the first installment of its demi-monthly May issue of its satirical/parodial feature The FarceHaven Tribune was delayed due to a Gremlin attack on its offices.

"The situation was grim," said Bob Chow staff reporter, "until Editor-In-Chief John Blackemire himself strode into the room wearing nothing but a trech coat and pink lederhosen. On his shoulder stood The Bitch Sadie, his trusty cricket bat oftentimes used by the Blackemire as a paddle for initiates during his sorority days when he dressed in drag as an excuse to shower in the ladies dormitories."

Cynical Writer Bob Brighton had this to add about the situation:

"There were about twenty or so of those little bastards, running around, wrecking computers, fouling up our email and trying their damnedest to shut us down. Strangely, each one of them looked like miniature Bill Clintons and miniature George W Bushes. Each one was about four inches tall and smelled of stale cigars and cheap alcohol. For some strange reason, they were all color coordinated, wearing these cheery blue suits and ties with pictures of Hillary Clinton on them.

"The first of them spies Blackemire entering the room and attacks immediately with a low flying karate kick. Blackemire comes in with a one two swat, quickly disciplining the beast and telling him who's daddy. 'I'm your daddy beyach!' the Blackemire screams at them.

"Two of the critters try to double-team John. John quickly took a step back as they leapt at him, using Bitch Sadie as a deflector shield, swatting each one away in short order. John gives Sadie a quick spin over his head as the Gremlins line up to attack him, gives his wrist a flick and skewers ten of them in a row.

"One of the remaining Clintons thought he would take a go at it, attacking John with a stained blue dress. John quickly countered the deadly attacking using a patented Linda Tripp cassette tape as a stiletto to pin the nasty little critter and the blue dress against the wall.

"One of the Dubyas tried his hand at an attack next, threatening to offshore Blackemire's webmaster to India. Blackemire shot a devastating kick out into the Gremlin's face sending him high into the air. Dubya landed in a model F-102 aircraft shelved on a back wall, fired up the engines and took flight. Blackemire ducked a hasty ramming attempted by the Dubya and quickly scrambled for Sadie.

"Wrapping his hand around Sadie, Blackemire flung the impaled Gremlins aside and made ready to bat. The little Dubya brought his miniature F-102 around for another pass with Blackemire taking a whole-hearted swing. The F-102 darted past Blackemire and made another hasty ramming pass, clipping Blackemire's cheek.

"As Blackemire wiped blood from the newfound cut on his cheek, the remaining five ground Gremlins, rallied by their newfound air support, moved in for the kill.

"Desperation set in as Blackemire grit his teeth, desperately trying to find an out in the situation. He took swats at the passing F-102 whenever possible, but with each swat, the Gremlin ground forces gained ground. He found himself backed against the wall. At the last minute, he spied a lamp and a fire alarm.

"He yanked the cord from the top of the lamp with the other end of the cord still plugged into the wall. He threw the live cord to the ground, shouting for the rest of the FarceHaven staff to evacuate the building. Having seen this trick in many a movie, the FarceHaven staff quickly complied.

"John kicked the fire alarm with his toe and suddenly, the sprinklers sprung to life, forcing the F-102 to the ground and electrocuting the Gremlin ground forces and every hot damn computer in the building, which is why the FarceHaven was late. John managed to destroy every computer we own. The staff would like to take this opportunity to thank John for his endeavors. Thanks John."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself