November 2007 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 9 Issue 11
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 November 15th - 30th  November 1st - 14th  October 15th - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Mukasey Finds Waterboarding Deplorable

Would Be Attorney General Judge Mukasey told a Senate committee last Tuesday that he found the practice of Waterboarding "rupugnant." Senate Democrats have been highly critical of Bush’s hand pick for the Attorney General spot, especially since Mukasey has been reluctant to take a stance on the topic of waterboarding.

Mukasey wrote "Hypotheticals are different from real life, and in any legal opinion the actual facts and circumstances are critical. If those sandy haired bare chested bastards want to run out into the surf and catch some waves -- that’s their God-given Consitutional right. I’m not going to say I understand those dirt loving wave crashing punks or their crazy hedonistic layabout society destroying ways -- "

That was actually an excert of draft one of Mukasey’s note to Senate Democrats. Dick Cheney, who was helping the Attorney General nominee draft his letter had stopped him at that point in the draft and explained what waterboarding was.

Draft two read:

"Hypotheticals are different from real life, and in any legal opinion the actual facts and circumstances are critical. If those sandy haired bare chested bastards want to strap each other to a weight benches and their actions involve the funneling of spirits, I am fine with that. Why, back in the day, me and my high school pal Bubba used to take turns strapping each other down, blind folding each other and pouring the Vodka. Sure you thought you was drowing but -- "

When told that the actual practice involved pouring water, Mukasey was overhead saying, "Who the fuck would want to that without whiskey? That IS cruel and unusual." After an additional, fourteen drafts, two on pink-hearted and purple polkadotted letterhead, a letter was finally delivered to Congress.


Advice from The Hare-Brained Ethicist Or What Would Bugs Bunny Do?
By
Hunter McKee -- Contributing Author

Dear Hare-Brained Ethicist, I feel like I’m living in a worldwide fishbowl. Several years ago, I thought I was marrying the man of my dreams, a little old but, with minimal plastic surgery and some hair work, looked rather decent, really, but who turned out to be a nightmare. I bore him a daughter. Now, alas, he has locked me out of his house and his heart. After an extensive search, I rented a home on Long Island so that we can co-parent our daughter, who is too young to understand mummy and daddy breaking up. But now he’s accusing me of stalking and has threatened to have me arrested and is calling me all sorts of personally hurtful names. How can I make him understand that I have only the most altruistic motives in my heart because that’s who I am? Lady H., the Pricey Hampton, NY.

Dear Lady: Get a life. Do not write to the Hare-Brained Ethicist again.


9 Out of 10 Rich Americans: Fuck The Environment

In an imaginary unsubstantiated poll, the FarceHaven Tribune polled a total of one thousand three hundred seventy-five point three rich Americans to get their opinions on global warming.

Three out of seven imaginary respondents told the FarceHaven, they would rather shove an Escalade up their collective asses than give up their prize vehicles in order to save humanity.

Six out of five told the FarceHaven, and we quote "It’s all right if global warming kills off all the little people. We’ll still be able to afford the healthcare."

One in ten responded, "I’m a Republican. What’s this global warming all the hip young folk talk about?"

Five in eight replied, "I offset my carbon emissions by planting a forest around my carbon spewing factory. Those trees I planted will neutralize enough carbon in a three year period to equal the amount my factory produces within the same time frame. Granted by the end of that time, my trees will likely be dead from my factory’s pollution, but who really gives a fuck about the environment anyway?"


Bush Administration -- Speaker Pelosi Slacking

President Bush unleashed his anger at Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi last week using a doodle pad, a Sharpie marker, a box of crayons and a palette of finger paints. The stick figure drawing much more resembled muscular prop comedian Carrot Top than the Speaker of the House, but not surprisingly the work fetched a hefty price at a Sothesby’s auction last week. The painting was meant to represent "just how gosh darn upset I am at this do nothing Congress."

When asked how the Bush Administration was a more productive entity than Congress, Bush replied. "Look how fast we took care of victims of Hurricane Katrina and the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Look how fast we declared victory. I bet no one wins wars as fast as I do. Wow -- just talking about all this hoopla’s making me tired. I think I’ll take another well-deserved vacation. Laura! Get the sun tan oil!"

When asked what her response was to the allegations that Congress has not sent annual appropriation bills to the White House for signatures for the past two weeks, Speaker of the House Pelosi replied, "I don’t see what he’s so worked up about. It’s not liked he’s signed anything the past two weeks either."


Unidentified Scientist Locates Missing Bush Backbone

An unidentified scientist anonymously contacted the FarceHaven Tuesday afternoon with a relevation of the utmost magnitude. Forget some of mankind’s most important discoveries of the 20th and 21st centuries: nuclear energy, electricity -- the light-bulb, Viagra, our unidentified scientist claims to have located our President’s spine. Here’s what he told the FarceHaven during our phone interview.

"Well, I was actually sitting in the Oval Office, sharing a doob with Dubya trying to come up with ways that global warming just doesn’t exist and we get the idea to try tap dancing on the President’s desk. Well, with Dubya doing the jelly shots, and me trying to start a two-person kick line, Dubya gets this idea. -- ‘Well hey there chum, let’s go shave our asses and get tattoos of Condi. After debating whether or not getting the Condi tattoo was such a good idea -- we decided to get Cheney tattoos instead.’"

"Unfortunately, we were both a little too snoockered trying to get off his desk and we fell right on our soon to be shaven asses. And lo and behold right there under Bush’s desk and was another doob and Barney, Dubya’s dog just nibbling away at the President’s backbone. ‘Dude that is so fucking awesome,’ I recall saying. ‘ I sooo bet we could smoke that.’"

"Our first thought was to turn the thing into a bong. Our next thought was to grind it into bone meal to make brownies with -- you haven’t a green brownie until you’ve had a bone meal green brownie. We finally decided to hollow the fucker out and use it as a vodka straw for the Pres’s next Camp David peace accord. Eureka! Inspiration! We will go with the bong concept and we’ll use it as a peace pipe! Finally, there will be peace in the Middle East!"

Our interview was cut short abruptly when our caller muttered something about having to do a FEMA press conference and he hung up the phone.


Paris Hilton No Longer A News Item

Newscasters world-wide were flabbergasted Monday evening as much sought after news of the world’s favorite debutante trickled to a halt.

"We didn’t know what to do. It’s like the world ended," Sarah Breaknewser producer at WCRAP TV 57 Chicago told the FarceHaven. "I think I must have cried for at least three hours when I realized there was no more Paris, then I vomited before downing a fifth of tequila."

News room crisis centers were a bustle for much of the evening as news producers scrambled to find the evening openers for prime time news. Then disaster struck.

"It was at that moment," Sarah Breaknewser began to stammer, "that we realized there was no news on Lindsey Lohan, worse still, no news on Britney Spears -- oh the humanity! What was I supposed to do?

"At first we thought we’d cover the war in Iraq, but no one was up to speed on it because we were too busy talking about Paris. Then we thought about going over Presidential woes, but all of our reporters were in Los Angeles and we couldn’t afford to send them all to Washington. So we finally went with a story on quintuplet puppies."

When asked if her newsroom would ever deign to report any real news, Breaknewser replied, "REAL news? What’s that?"


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bob Brighton

Contributing Writers:
Hunter McKee

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself