October 2007 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 9 Issue 10
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 October 15th - 31st  October 1st - 14th  September 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

Horny Chimp Wreaks Havoc at Local Hospital
By
Cara Fidler -- Contributing Author

A horny chimp wreaked havoc in the emergency room of Sister Mary Iglesias Memorial Hospital after escaping through a hatch in the hospitalís research facility. The chimp named, Candy, was dubbed the "chimphomaniac" by researchers and students studying the effects of a new drug, Nympho-Agra, designed to dramatically increase a womenís sex drive. The lascivious chimp was observed behaving in a lewd manner in the emergency room by witnesses who said the chimp climbed on top of a man laying on a gurney, and presented her bulbous buttocks to the patient, Hoyt Drybalz, 63, of Akron, Ohio, before sitting on his face. Mr. Drybalz shrieked and pushed the promiscuous chimp off of him. The chimp continued to roam throughout the busy ER and was seen urinating in a bedpan and knocking over garbage pails, one of which contained a poop-filled diaper which she proceeded to eat. After that she slipped into a makeshift-curtained alcove where a handsome, twenty-five year old athlete laid naked on a bed, and attempted to straddle him before he jumped up, apparently mortified, and pushed the horny chimp to the floor. Candy then made her way down the corridor and climbed onto the lap of a ninety-two year old elderly man who was sitting in a wheelchair snoozing, while the chimp performed a lap dance before climbing on top of his head where she pooped. Animal Control arrived shortly thereafter,and captured the squealing, libidinous chimp.


Advice from the Harebrained Ethicist Pt III
By
M Hunter McKee -- Contributing Author

Dear Hare-Brained Ethicist, Something has really cheesed me off and Angelina said I should write to you. This morning when I was riding my motorcycle, I came upon an auto accident so I stopped and ran to the car to pull the victims out. Iím known for doing that sort of thing. Before I could get at the car, though, Tom Cruise snuck up behind me, started pummeling me and told me to back off, calling me "old buddy." I calmly pointed out that #1, heís older than I am and #2, I was there first and had dibs. For a little guy, heís a scrapper. I have to give him that. Anyway, Iím beginning to think he staged the accident as there was a photographer in the back seat. What do you think, Hare-Brained Ethicist? By the way, while we were arguing, Harrison Ford swooped in with his helicopter and stole the victims. Was that fair? Brad P., world resident

Dear Brad, I saw the pictures in the NY Post. Tom may be small but it looked like he was about to beat the crap out of you. I sense that your real problem here is not with Tom Cruise but Harrison Ford. Everyone loves Harrison Ford and he drives a helicopter. How cool is that? A word to the wise: watch Angelina for new tattoos. Iím thinking specifically of Hans Solo, Indiana Jones, John Book, and the like. Remember Hare-Brained Real Estate for all your property needs.


Oops . . . Did I do it Again?
By
Laurie Fabrizio -- Contributing Author

Britney Spears . . . a teen idol, new mom, alcoholic, and now a Kojak wanna-be. The Pimprazzi refers to her as "Slutney." Fame and fortune has led her to drastic measures. You look at her today and what you see is what you get, and sometimes you get to see more than you care to.

The once beautiful blonde ditz is so lost in her own thoughts . . .  she better be leaving a trail of stale cookie crumbs to find her way home. Chomping a whole pack of gum with your mouth open and leaving chewed wads on telephone poles just wonít cut it.

Britney recently made tabloid headlines when she checked into "fast-mood rehab" for the second time in two weeks. Apparently she thought it was a drive through fast food restaurant, since she checked in and out in less then 24 hours. She kept asking for a Happy Meal and wanted to "biggie size" it. Brit was seen being entertained by the revolving door as she repeatedly muttered, oops . . . I did it again . . . and again . . . and again and again.

When people suffer from depression, they look to food, alcohol or some other distraction to dim the pain. Not Buddha Britney. She found solace in paying homage to Demi Mooreís GI Jane role, by shaving her head. It is rumored that the shaved hair is currently for sale on e-bay, and that a transvestite support group is the highest bidder. Bill Clinton hopes that itís the only hair she is selling!

Flowbee sales are at an all time high among teen girls.

So, how does young Britney cope with motherhood and setting a good example for her children? Letís see . . . She's driven with her baby son wedged between herself and the steering wheel, been investigated by Family Services when her child bounced out of his highchair, drove in a convertible with her sleeping son in a front-facing child seat, and nearly dropped her baby on a New York City sidewalk. Rumors are that she is up for "Mom of the Year, right behind Joan Crawford and Michael Jackson.

TROJAN Brand Condoms are using pregnant photos of Britney for their new ad campaign- "Oops this could happen to you," encouraging safe sex.

Ironic since she has been screwed more times than a light bulb.

Britney is fighting back with her new line of parenting books . . .  "How to Parent From Rehab", "Child Safety is Over-rated" and "How to Lose Your Kids in Ten Days." Sure to be blockbusters. Her author Bio reads . . .  "I read Dr. Spock, wasnít he great on Star Trek?"

Her new line of crotch-less panties is will be on display this week. Air your privates without going commando. Keep the Pimprazzi guessing each time you step out of a vehicle. Log on to www.air-it-poudly.com for a free introductory sample.

Sporting her new look, Buddha Britney has been seen around town with Nicole Richie, and Paris Hilton . . . the new Three Stooges. "Cue-ball," "nut ball" and "always wants balls."

How does Britís mom react to all of this negative publicity . . . ? By calculating:

One electric hair shears . . . $50.00

New scandalous outfit for her and the Three Stooges . . . $3,000

A limo with a full bar and a night out-on-the-town . . . $10,000

The look on her familyís faces when her crotch shots hit the presses

 . . . Priceless.


Peyton Manning to Preemptively Shut Down Backyard Monkey Knife Fights, Human Trafficking Operation
By
Andrew H Banecker -- Contributing Author

At a press conference on Friday, citing the federal indictment of Falcon's QB Michael Vick for breeding pit bulls for the purpose of fighting, running an underground, illegal dog fighting operation in a home he owns, wetting a dog down and electrocuting it, amongst other charges, Peyton Manning announced he would be taking preemptive measures to "stop the bleeding [with respect to] the NFL's image."

Claiming he viewed himself as the face of the NFL, Manning-standing in the middle of a group of coughing orphans-told a roomful of sports reporters, "I'm going to do anything I can to make the fans forget about the suspensions to Pacman [Tennessee CB Adam Jones], Tank [Johnson}, and the entire Cincinnati Bengals." Pausing to administer a flu shot the littlest orphan, Manning continued, "I'm going to do everything within my power to restore the faith of the fans in the character of the players in the National Football League."

Manning, who has been lauded for his work with the United Way, his football camps for under-privileged Indianapolis kids, and his volunteer work to help the Sprint, Gatorade, and MasterCard Corporations, is generally considered to be a good guy, always willing to lend a hand to those in need. He did nothing to debunk this consideration when he told reporters, "To prevent the NFL from having to go through any more legal issues, I'm voluntarily closing down my worldwide consortium of human trafficking, as well as all forms of subjecting animals to torture for my own amusement."

Manning then momentarily halted all questions to retrieve a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe the nose of a precious little girl named Jenny, a terminally ill five-year-old from the Make A Wish Foundation with a series of inoperable brain tumors, who's dying wish was to see a bum fight a starving mongoose over a steak perched precariously between a series of sparking live electric wires and various puddles. "After Jenny gets her wish, of course."

Without the threat of legal action or a suspension by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, Manning claimed he wasn't thinking about such selfish reasons, but would be shutting down both his basement North Vietnamese style Russian Roulette parlour and Cat-stabbing room as a positive example for other NFL players, hoping they "take [his] lead and show that the majority of NFL players truly are good people."

"I'm not doing this for me," Manning reiterated. "I'm closing my black market organ harvesting syndicate for the people of Indianapolis who rooted me on during this year's run to the Super Bowl; I'm sending the six through nine-year-old Cambodian girls I've been using as sex slaves back to their parents for the children who idolize me on the field; and I'm tearing down the Octagon of Pain (the ring Manning utilized for his bi-weekly monkey knife fights) for the parents wondering whether football is too rough a sport for their eight-year-old."

Commissioner Goodell has praised Manning's actions as indicative of the kind of person the NFL's truly trying to employ. "We need more players like Peyton Manning," said Goodell. "Hopefully, others around the league will take the magnitude of what he's done under consideration, and follow his lead. I can see through the rain [referencing Pacman Jones' throwing $100,000 worth of singles in the air at a Las Vegas strip club and the gunfire that followed] and see the shining beacon of the new NFL. One where Tom Brady no longer strangles ferrets as a pre-game ritual; where LaDanian Tomlinson no longer bow-hunts transients for sport; where the entire starting roster of the Dallas Cowboys aren't photographed freebasing crystal meth with noted mobsters at a donkey show during Christmas."

Though most analysts view such comments as a pipe dream, at least one player shares Goodell's optimism. Said Philadelphia Eagles' QB Donovan McNabb, "If I can stop masturbating into the open vat of Campbell's Chunky Corn Chowder, anything's possible."


Child's Play
By
John Thomas Clark -- Contributing Author

Deflectionís the best of my bids

As my Iraq plan hits the skids

Iíll veto the bill

Come down from the Hill

Protecting the uninsured kids


Haiku from the Cubicle
By
Brenda Gray -- Contributing Author

A pilot program

Just means more mediocre

Micromanagers


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Andrew H Banecker
Brenda Gray
Cara Fidler
John Thomas Clark
Laurie Fabrizio
M Hunter McKee

Issues

2012
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2011
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2010
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2009
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28

2008
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14

2007
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2006
Sep 15 - 30
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2005
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2004
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 29
Jan/Feb

2003
Dec 01 - 31
Nov 01 - 30
Oct 01 - 31
Sep 01 - 30
Aug 01 - 31


You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself