September 2007 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 9 Issue 9
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 September 15th - 30th  September 1st - 14th  January 1st - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Bush to Invade Canada
By
WL Hogarth -- Contributing Author

Sept 1st 2007 Washington, D.C.

White House

President Bush asked Congress for 50 Billion dollars for his efforts to invade the United Statesí neighboring country of Canada. When asked about his reasons for invasion the President told this reporter "Why not, those Canadians have had it too good for too long, besides, I have evidence that shows they are not only building but have in fact already built uranium enrichment facilities. Karl Rove and Dick Cheney tell me thatís bad." Asked about where our troops for this military exercise will come from President Bush said "Well, you see, we have all of these "illegal" immigrants in this country. I have a plan to offer them naturalizement in exchange for military service. I figure the Canadians will kill at least one half, or twenty five percent of them, which will make the numbers of immigrants being neutralized, I mean naturalized significantly smaller."

It seems unlikely that this budgetary request will pass as Congress is now controlled by people who can not only count on both hands, but can also tell when agreeing with the President is bad for their re-election bids. "President Bush is so busy making war with countries that canít defend themselves against us, that he has lost sight of the needs of the American people to be told what to do, and how to raise their children," said Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, "We need to make sure that every American has the right and duty to live up to the moral standards of whatever we decide is moral."

Prime Minister Stephen Harper said "If that illiterate Texan wants to invade us thatís fine, but he needs to find us first. The last time I was at the White House I asked Mr. Bush to point to Canada on a world map and he pointed to China."

Letís hope for the sake of our country that President Bush doesnít accidentally invade China.


Inmate Demands Refund for Milkshake
By
Tom O'Donnell -- Contributing Author

Inmate Fred R. Hope has recently filed papers with the Butte, Montana, corrections officials for a $10 refund for a milkshake he purchased from the Butte Correctional Facility that he was not allowed to drink.

"It wasnít right. I was about to watch "Deal or No Deal" on television and drink my milkshake when I heard I was being transferred to another prison in Montana. I was moved right away to the other prison and I never got to drink that shake I had ordered from the commissary. Now I want my money back," said Fred R. Hope.

Butte Correctional Facilities Warden Buford Walrus, Jr., said that, "There is no constitutional right to a milkshake. I took time to study the constitution the other day and did not see anything about your right to a milkshake."

Inmate Fred R. Hope then filed papers with the Butte, Montana, Chamber of Commerce citing the lack of business ethics that the local prison practiced in not delivering the milkshake before the prison transfer.

Tad Vanmeter, CEO of the Butte, Montana, Chamber of Commerce, offered his initial impressions, "We have a dilemma here. There is a milkshake in question. No doubt it was ordered by the prisoner and it was not delivered before the prisoner was taken to another facility. This is not a good business practice. If a pizza can be delivered in 30 minutes, then why canít a milkshake made at our Butte corrections facility be delivered just as quickly?"

Anne Malone, Chief of Staff of Montana Governorís Office, said, "We dropped the ball in this case. We are letting down our customer base in the prisons with sloppy service. I will have to look into the entire milkshake matter and get further information. Please know that the government of the State of Montana is very dedicated to milkshakes being served on time to our customers in our state correctional facilities. Year in and year out we have won awards with the level of service provided that we also back up with yearly statistics showing one occasion after another of milkshakes being successfully delivered to the Montana incarcerated customers."

Meanwhile, several roundtable discussions have been held by various state government officials in Montana trying to get to the bottom of the entire matter. The Governorís Office has declared the matter a top priority and has named Nate Blaum, Milkshake Monitor. This position is to report directly to the Governor about the condition how milkshakes are being delivered to those in the state correctional facilities and if it is being done in a timely manner.

"Milk Shake Monitor is a newly created position that demands both dedication to monitoring the state of affairs of milk shakes in Montana as well as to seeing that no milkshake is left undelivered to our state correctional incarcerated customers," said Nate Blaum.


10 Steps to Becoming the Next Hannibal Lecter...Or the Next James Peterson
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

1) Start by thinking in short sentences. (Turn corners sharply. Make entrances sudden. Exit quickly and quietly. Think scary thoughts. Laugh with sinister glee. Slurp your food.)

Chapter 2) Develop a demented philosophy of life, if only to express to your alter ego, while staring into the mirror. Begin by repeating this: "The purpose of my life is not to care. Let other people care. They're deluded, anyway. My life is just as valid. My life is endorsed by Nature itself. Does Nature care about individuals, after all? We're nothing to Nature, except as drones who trip in the dark. Want to be a school teacher, or to burp babies, or to have an affair with your boss? Who cares. I know I don't. Nor does the Universe, far as I can see. So just get off my back, okay? Go collect postage stamps, join a bowling league, drive around at 2 AM with your car stereo blasting. You will anyway."

3) Stop eating oatmeal. Try prunes instead.

4) Attend writer's conferences, where you will learn the following:

A) The importance of keeping diary entries and outlines interesting. (Dr. Lecter never wrote much about his grandmotherís bunions.)

B) Why using big words like "mellifluous" or "dysphagic" might impress Edgar award judges, but won't keep you on anyone's recommended beach reading list.

C) Why actually having something to say is somewhat less important, these days, than churning out two books a year.

D) How to go truly, irrevocably insane (in an attempt to get published).

5) Stop blinking.

6) When all eyes are on you, wink.

7) Buy a large, shiny knife.

8) When you go to the post office, imagine actually going postal.

9) Develop a taste for organ meats.

10) Finally, realize that the brain is just another organ. (Note: As an organ in the head, the brain is said to contain who we are, the mysterious "us" that we believe should oppose and compete with "them." But it's also the least used organ, while the most used organ is often referred to as having "a mind of its own." Now, many say that sex is mostly in the brain, but of course the people saying this don't really want to play with their brains, do they? Actually, our brains are only three pound clumps of jelly, which you could probably hold in your hand for at least a few seconds before freaking out. A side benefit of grasping this is in also realizing that for much of your life youíve been worried about what some other clump of jelly thinks about your clump of jelly. Meanwhile, at various locations across the country there are three pound jellies who recognize the shell holding your clump, and your clump wonders how these jellies are "doing" or "feeling," too, and if they are coming close to yours for what is termed a "holiday," and if the alignment of electrical impulses inside your jelly mold can ever "forgive" or "love" or "respect" or "whatever" them again. Or even if you should. Get the picture?)

You are now ready to become either a mystery writer or a serial killer. Flip a coin.


Grocery Cart Ramming and Produce Hurling: The Fun New Way to Blow Off Steam
By
Cara Fidler -- Contributing Author

Had a bad day? Did someone tweak your last nerve? Is your boss a control freak? Did someone steal your purple magic marker? Are you sick and tired of being politically correct? Are you pent up? Youíve tried therapy, joined a gym, taken Yoga classes, done the aromatherapy, listened to relaxation tapes of waterfalls and chirping crickets, but nothingís worked. If this sounds like you, itís time to get on the bandwagon and join the thousands of women whoíve found a stimulating, fun, absolutely free way to release that pent-up anger and frustration without having to travel any further than the grocery store.

Remember what fun you had when you were a little kid at the fair, cruising around in a miniature bumper car, smashing your car into other kidsí cars? Wouldnít it be great to relive those happy memories? Well now you can, by joining the ranks of women whoíve taken up recreational grocery cart ramming.

"If Iím in a really foul mood and want to blow off steam, I jump into my car and head to the grocery store." says Julia, a serial bully. "I scope out the aisles looking for a mark. I look for someone who looks like sheís got a stick up her butt, someone with major attitude who pretends to be above the fray. But once you get Ďem going, theyíre hell on wheels. Then I goad her on: throw a douche product, a can of feminine hygiene spray, or some Preparation-H into her cart. Then I bump her cart. This is guaranteed to provoke her into a no- holds-barred-cart-clashing-contest. Instead of ramming her straight on with my cart, I T-boned her cart from the side. It was a blast."

According to the Fraternal Order of Grocery Cart Rammers, the grocery store is the perfect environment for relieving stress and releasing anger, since itís rife with aggressive, rude, intimidating behavior perpetrated by grocery cart bullies like Julia.

"Somebody needs to step up to the plate and go cart-to- cart with these people." says Zoe, a spokesperson for the organization.

"Just yesterday, in the frozen foods section, I had a run-in with a bully who sideswiped my cart." says Willow, a recreational grocery cart rammer. "Some people assume youíre a mark and that they can run roughshod over you. My motto is: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. You have to stand your ground and give their cart a good hard shove. Which I did. Then she started imitating a horse---kicking up dirt with her foot . . .  and braying." She laughs. "Can you imagine? She was egging me on at the Food-A-Rama. Most people will retreat when you ram their cart once." she explains. "But there are plenty of experienced cart rammers, like myself, who arenít easily intimidated. Weíre the in-your-face-with-my-cart-types who wonít hesitate to put some muscle into it and ram your cart with all weíve got. Then your opponent does the same, and before you know it a crowd gathers. Other shoppers are clapping and cheering: ĎRam-fest, Ram-fest, Ram-fest.í Some even take bets. Everybody enjoys a good cart fight. Itís cathartic."

"There is one caveat." she adds, "If the other shopper is built like a Sumo wrestler, or is bigger than you, itís best to retreat---unless you think you can take her. You win some. You lose some." she says, philosophically.

Like good sex, cart ramming is a great way to burn off calories, improve skin tone, get a great cardiovascular workout, and enjoy the rush of adrenalin and endorphins as you engage in cart-to-cart combat.

Not surprisingly, cart ramming can be addictive and often leads to the temptation to experiment with other equally aggressive, stress-reducing behaviors at the supermarket. Many cart rammers also enjoy produce hurling. Whether itís a bag of oranges, a bunch of broccoli, or an eggplant, once you get into the fruits and vegetables, youíre just a hop, skip, and a jump away from going hard core. The worst offenders will grab a melon or a cabbage and wing it at you full bore. "A pineapple is an excellent choice," says Dee, a member of Produce Throwers Anonymous, whose hair is pinned up and fanned out on top like a pineapple." because of its pointy, rough skin and tuft of tough pointed leaves at the top, it really packs a wallop."

"The coconut is the Cadillac of produce-hurling-fruits." says Barb, "Those suckers are rock hard." Barb speaks from experience having suffered several concussions after being hit on the head, one too many times by flying coconuts.

"If youíre into coconuts," she says, "get a good helmet."

"My favorite produce projectile is a cabbage." says Crystal, who was busted by the Produce Police, and who is now doing twelve weeks of community service educating consumers on the pros and cons of cabbage munching.

"Pro: If thereís someone in your life youíd like to cut loose, I recommend munching on a cabbage. As far as high-octane fumes go, you canít beat a cabbage. Your colon will shift into high gear, the end result being, gas that smells like rotten eggs. The stench is so foul, youíll smell like Pigpen, the Charlie Brown character who walks around puffing out sulfur fumes. Con: Never, ever eat cabbage before going on a hot date. You want your date to think your hot---not your colon."

But for some, neither cart ramming nor produce flinging takes the edge off. These are the hard core peeps who troll the frozen meat section in search of the perfect frozen turkey, chicken, or ham. "Honey, you havenít lived until youíve hurled a fifteen-pound-Butterball at someone whose tweaked your last nerve." says Roxanne.

"Throwing a melon is for lightweights." says Stella, another frozen-meat-aficionado. "Once youíve escalated to frozen meats, youíre running with the big dogs. But few people are scrappy enough to cut the mustard in frozen meats." says Rochelle.

"You need a damn good arm," says Stella, "and to be able to run like hell."


Advice from The Hare-Brained Ethicist or What Would Bugs Bunny Do?
By
M Hunter McKee -- Contributing Author

Dear Hare-Brained Ethicist: I was grocery shopping in Malibu when I spotted Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes with a baby carriage, inside of which appeared to be a baby covered with a pink blanket. A sweet pink bonnet covering silky black hair peeked out from underneath. While the parents were distracted with produce issues, I pulled the blanket back and took a picture with my cell phone. It wasnít a baby, though. It was a loaf of Italian bread with a face painted on it. Thereís a tabloid bidding war for this picture and I expect that I will never have to work again the rest of my life. My question: should I claim itís little Suri in the picture or admit itís a loaf of bread? Allison A, NY,NY.

Stick to the Suri story but keep your ear to the ground and be ready to change course on a dime. Wear a disguise if necessary. Change your name. Itís all about the marketplace, know what I mean? I think youíll win either way. My idol, Bugs Bunny, was an icon of risk taking. Take your clue from him. By the way, Iím CEO of Hare-Brained Hedge Funds and would be happy to help with your financial investment needs.


Fedtime for Gonzo?
By
John Thomas Clark -- Contributing Author

To Berto the Gonzo, A. Gen:

"Donít fear any federal pen

When you, they impeach,

Your sentence Iíll breach,

Your non-recall moments are zen."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Cara Fidler
John Thomas Clark
Jonathan Lowe
M Hunter McKee
Tom O'Donnell
WL Hogarth

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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