April 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 3
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 April 15th - 30th  April 1st - 14th  March 15th - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Bush: I Believe in Dick

President George W. Bush weighed in today on the issue of gay marriage. Speaking from the Oval Office in response to the Mayor of San Franciscoís allowing weddings between same sex couples to be performed, President Bush stated "I am deeply troubled by the thought of gay marriage. It gives me...dreams. I go to sleep at night and I dream of two men kissing...men with high, firm buttocks and well developed pectorals, handsome men, manly men."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse responded to Mr. Bushís comments by saying, "Jesus, if he thinks Gay marriage is troubling, you should see how troubled we are about that statement. Lauraís flipping out. Sheís flat out refused to rent any more couples videos on noogie nights; she canít figure out what exactly heís looking for on them anymore."

The President, just back from the White House body waxing salon and wearing a wool and silk blend Brioni 3 button day suit, Yves San Laurent medium collar shirt with mother of pearl buttons coupled with a nicely understated hand painted silk tie, matching silk socks and Bruno Magli loafers spoke to reporters as Queer Eye for the Straight Guy played muted on the Presidential Television. "Itís confusing...the Bible tells us that the love that must not be named is wrong and I believe that, but sometimes when Iím at the gym with my Secret Service Agents pumping iron...pumping, pumping, pumping...where was I? Oh yeah, the gym. What I mean to say is that can it be wrong to admire the physique of an Agent who plainly takes care of himself, someone young and handsome, someone whoís pledged to die for me? I mean, is that hot or what?"

As the Secret Service Agents in the room discretely edged away, the President continued:

"All that aside, I think Gay marriage is just wrong. Dick (Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney) told me that it goes against the laws of God and I trust Dick...dick, dick, dick...where was I? Oh yeah, Dick Cheney. Anyway, itís just wrong ok? Now excuse me I have to use the lavatory. Anyone seen my Stud Muffin magazine?"


Vote for Me Then Kill Yourself Declares Bush

President George W. Bush has unveiled his novel plan to fix Social Security and Healthcare in the United States. The President was quoted as saying, "The plan is very simple. First, all the old and sick people vote for me, that's very important. Then, as soon as I've won the election, they all kill themselves. That way, we barely have to fund Social Security at all and if there are no sick people left, existing Healthcare dollars will be more than enough.

Unnamed Administration source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse said, " Of course, we don't want all the old and sick people to kill themselves...that would be crazy. Anyone who can afford to live till they're ninety on their own dime are more than welcome to hang around. It's really just the poor people and Democrats we'd like to get rid of. Of course, if the rich old people would sort of keep themselves out of sight, we'd be grateful. I mean, old people are pretty ugly and they smell funny sometimes."

As with any new proposal by the President, there would be significant exceptions. Arizona Senator John McCain would be killed immediately, whether he wants to die or not, just because, in the words of John Ashcroft, " Any Republican that tells the truth, even sometimes, just can't be trusted."

Supreme Court Justices David Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Sandra Day O' Conner and John Paul Stevens would also be killed outright. On the other side, the Reverend Jerry Falwell, Charlton Heston and Billy Graham would be kept on life support indefinitely, to be carted out and displayed at future Republican rally's.

"It's a good plan," remarked Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity, " We think it addresses all the Administrations budget problems. The money we save can be used to fund all sorts of projects...clear cutting National Forests, oil drilling in ANWAR, you know, the good stuff."


9-11 Not Preventable Declares Expert

Temporal Scientist John Timewarpean is mad. Not only is he mad, he's furious. Why? Because of recent Democratic criticism of the Bush administration claiming that 9-11 was preventable.

"This is a classic case," says Timewarpean, "of government placing politics ahead of the truth, above scientific fact and law.

"When are these losers going to face facts? 9-11 would have happened no matter what the Bush administration did. Hell! It comes every year. And guess what? The same day every year! How in the hell was Bush supposed to do anything about that?"

Quantum Physicist Leonard Smartypants was quick to agree.

"I must agree with Dr. Timewarpean," Leonard agreed. "Blaming Bush for not stopping 9-11 from coming is like blaming Bush for not stopping the bombs from falling on Baghdad through his failure to suspend the laws of gravity. There's just no stopping time."

"This reminds me of the time Congress blamed the elder Bush for not stopping Christmas," Leonard said, sharing a laugh with Timewarpean. "GHW said--not gonna do it. I may not eat my broccolli, but this President's no Grinch."


Celebrity Offs Family of Three On National Television
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Lawyers for pop sensation Higha Than The Average Joe was arrested Thursday for capping a family of three on live national television.

"I don't see what the fuss is about," Higha said in a public statement. "Justin and Janet flashed a million children on national television, and I don't see none of them in the big house. What I did only hurt three people. It's obvious this is a case of handgun malfunction."

Congressional attorneys across the nation are expressing great concern over the new legal tactic dubbed by the media as the Justin and Janet Defense.

"It just ain't right," Scott Cludsdale, attorney for Senator Ranna Lama Ding Dom of Massachussets. "The ability to perpetrate a felony on national television and get away with it is a right reserved for Congress and Congress alone. Not even the President can get away with such things. If the President wants to put a hit on someone and get away with it, he goes through Congress believe you me."

"This is just another way for the man to keep us down," the pop sensation formerly known as Vanilla Ice was quoted as saying. "The pop star, rock star and your everyday millionaire perpetrate the same crap they do and the man takes away a man's dignity of being a man Yo!" At this point, obviously moved, Ice broke out into tears. "Excuse me while I go break something," he sobbed as he stalked away.

Higha lately filed charges against the Santa Monica Police Department claiming the officers that took him into custody were rough with him.

Area local Dan D'man contests this allegation.

"It was the strangest durned thing. They pull up with Higha in the back of the squad car and there's this cute female sherrif in back spoonfeeding the man what looked like caviar. The driver gets out, walks on over and opens the door for him. Once they get the door open, these two midgets jump out with what looks like a rug. They throw the thing down and the next thing you know, they done rolled out a red carpet."

"Now if that's what a man calls police brutality, slap me on some cuffs, beat me with a hose and call me the guiltiest son of a gun on the planet."

Michael Jackson's attorneys have this to say about the situation.

"We invented the Jackson defense," Jackson attorney Jeremy RollinWitDaPunches said in a recent press conference. "They're lucky we don't sue Higha for everything he's worth."

"Don't ask me what I think," newly licensed co-counsel Kato Kaelin responded flatly. "All I remember hearing is two knocks. Thump thump thump."


NASA Finds Intelligent Life On Earth Cynical Replay (June 2001)

In a startling turn of events last Friday, NASA announced that it has, at long last, fulfilled on of its primary missions and discovered intelligent life on Earth.

"Honestly, we were startled," Gary Greene, Director of Operation NASA, told reporters on Friday. "I remembered thinking that intelligent life would never be found on this planet, but there she was.

"It was Friday morning, a cold dark morning and the place was Taco Bell. She was sitting there between the salt and salsa packets, this little black puddle of goo, perhaps three centimeters in diameter.

"At first, we thought it was a piece of old lettuce, haphazardly left there to rot into a primordial state. Then Gil brought out his handy dandy portable electron microscope.

"And lo and behold, when each of us peered at this gelatinous dark gray goo, there she was.

"Strangely, she looked human, had very shapely thighs, and nice big--well--anyway. She was bathing in this muck--We at NASA feel that it was part of some tribal bathing regimen. She winked at Gil once or twice, even revealed some leg from under the muck."

"She had oddly enough, very light skin, and bluish-blonde hair. Gil tried to pick her up with a cheap pickup line but sadly, communication seemed impossible between the two.

"Paul, then tried the time honored tactic of asking her what her sign was, but the little princess was more than a little unresponsive, even going so far as turning her back on us.

"Shocked that we were ruining this opportunity at first contact, we immediately formed a huddle to better assess our situation."

"I'm still hungry," Phil said to me. "Maybe we should get something to eat."

"I don't know," Ronald replied. "Maybe tacos aren't the best idea."

"You're right," Simon answered. "My stomach always burns when I eat a taco this early in the morning."

"Maybe we should get cheeseburgers," I told them. "You never have to worry about gas."

After agreement was reached and my edification as a hero was complete, we returned our attention to our little nymph and were startled to find her still there. Shocked, our time honored plan to make her get fed up and leave by acting like total males dashed to ribbons, we resumed our huddle to plan our retreat.

"The plan failed," Phil noted as we all linked arms. "It never fails. I've lost more women to the plan than to my breath alone."

I too was baffled. "Maybe she is a cheeseburger connoisseur; maybe she was hoping we'd invite her along with us."

"Genius!" Simon returned. "That simply must be it! How else could our plan had failed."

"Plan two?" Phil asked me.

"Roger that," I replied in our time-honored NASA jargon.

I smiled lightly, confidently walking up to the goo-laden being, giving her my most misogynistic I'm going to get some tonight eyebrow lifts.

"So babe," I practically belched. "We wuz wondering. We're going to see some strippers tonight and get smashed. Wanna come along?"

Her smile and slight nod shocked us all. With little else to do but comply, Phil reached down and scooped the little nymph up out of the goo.

With a sickening shriek, she died when her body shriveled from such a healthy dose of our oxygenated air. We tried everything to resuscitate her, from pouring salsa on her to putting her back into the goo. Simply, putting her back into goo, by the way, wasn't our first or best idea.

Superglue was our next choice remedy , and duct tape was our last and final resort. Like the king's horses and all the king's men who failed to reconstruct that much vaunted legged egg, we, the best and brightest NASA had to offer, sunk our heads in defeat, and got into line.

As we lit up our last and final joint for the evening, each of us vowed never to forget the strange amiable nymph who will forever change our lives and our destinies.


Cynical Replay(Nov/Dec 2000): Florida Voting Dilemma to be Decided on the Nascar Circuit

Washington D.C.

In a stunning announcement Thursday, Presidential Candidates George Bush and Al Gore announced the following announcement to a stunned White House press corp.

"Why I think we durn near figured out a solution to this here crisis of ours," Bush was quoted as saying."

"A race!" Gore interjected, hardly able to suppress a sigh. "We're going to have a race."

"Not just any race," Bush was quick to counter. "We are going to the fastest dang fool speedway we could think of, the Talladega Motorway."

"And it's not going to be pretty," Gore responded, almost suppressing yet another very audible and noticeable sigh. "We've waived some of the rules, making it a two man demolition derby at a mad-paced two hundred miles an hour."

Gore, always one with a keen eye to the MTV generation, has solicited the network as the main sponsor for his Ford Taurus stock, while Bush has already been rejected by Lifetime whom he solicited as a sponsor for his.

Sponsors were quick to jump at this opportunity and both candidates with combined sponsorships climbing well over the trillion dollar range. "With any luck," Gore comments, "we might just come up with enough money to fund our next campaigns."

"In one, two, maybe three states max," Bush was heard to counter. "You have to realize that these campaigns cost quite a bit of money."

In another startling announcement later that day, former candidate Ross Perot announced his intention to rejoin the race and make another bid for the Presidency.

When commenting on his sponsorship, Perot said he intends to sponsor his own vehicle, while onetime candidate Ralph Nader responded to queries about his intentions in the race. "Sponsor one?" he was thought to be heard saying, "Hell, I'll build my own."


Kerry Is A Killer Claims Bush
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

President George Bush has released a statement accusing the Democratic Party in general and Massachusetts Senator John Kerry in particular of forcing him to go to war against Iraq. "As the American People know, I was against the war from the start," said Bush, "I would have never even thought about attacking Saddam Hussein if the Democrats in the House and Senate hadnít had voted for it. Itís really all their fault and I am opening an investigation to prove that the Democrats and Kofi Annon of the United Nations are behind this huge failure in my intelligence."

Vice President Dick Cheney, while echoing the Presidents words, took matters one step farther. " The Democrats manufactured evidence that was designed to whip up fear in the country that Saddam posed a imminent threat., said Mr. Cheney, speaking on the condition that no one would understand him, " Then they pulled the wool over the Administrationís eyes by telling us that those fears were unfounded, making us believe that they were trying to make us disbelieve the facts that they made up but said were untrue. Donít you see? Itís all very clear...none of this is my fault."

"Weíre in the middle of assessing blame," said unnamed White House source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, " The only thing weíre sure of at this time is that weíre (The Administration) gonna come out smelling like a rose. The truth must be obfuscated, responsibility deflected and facts spun if the American People are going to be confused enough to re elect George Bush. Thatís what this Inquiry is meant to do and to make matters even more confusing, we wonít even release the findings until after the election, so there."

"The President is doing his best to clean up this mess that the Democrats caused," said Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity, " As the American People know, President Bush is probably the most peace loving Commander in Chief this country has ever had. I mean, look at his record. Even the idea of serving in the Texas Air National Guard was so repulsive that he went AWOL for a year, while that evil warmonger John Kerry actually went to Vietnam and fought for his country. Itís disgusting"


Schwarzenegger Takes Course In Sexual Harrasment
By
John Blackemire -- Staff Writer

In response to allegations of sexual misconduct prior to Governor Schwarzenegger's election earlier this year, Governor Schwarzenegger, has enrolled in a government sponsered sexual harrasment course.

The course, taught by flesh moguls Larry Flint and Hugh Heffner, is a six week primer taught at the Playboy mansion.

"If the Big A can stay here those six weeks without looking, touching or commenting the wrong way to a woman, then I declare this man cured!" Hugh Heffner was quoted as saying.

"Either that or we can declare him gay," Flint put in candidly.

Among the training techniques endorsed by the duo is running the boobie guantlet, where Schwarzenegger will reprise his role as The Running Man, where he has to run down a fifty foot corridor looking face forward as he runs past a guantlet of topless Playboy bunnies.


Do You Hear What I Hear

Clair Short, British Prime Minister Tony Blairís International Development Secretary who resigned in the wake of the attack on Iraq has alleged that The British Intelligence Community had been eavesdropping on United Nations Secretary Kofi Annanís telephone conversations during the lead up to war.

"While it was totally irresponsible for Ms. Short to spill the beans about the fact that Great Britain may or may not have done something that may or may not be illegal during the lead up to a war that may or may not have happened either this year or some other year is not something that I can comment on, either now or at some other time that may or may not occur in the near or far future."

While the assembled reporters were trying to figure out what Mr. Blair was saying, he continued, "If something that was or was not illegal or illicit or even slightly suspect that did indeed or did indeed not happen, it is the policy of this Government to not comment on it or if we did comment on it, and let me be perfectly clear here, Iím not saying that I am or am not commenting on it, and, well, there you have it."

Mr. Annan, when contacted at his office at the U.N., was asked about Ms. Shorts charges.

Grabbing a yellow legal pad, Mr. Annan wrote the words: NO, I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT GREAT BRITIAN WOULD DO THAT. TONY BLAIR IS A GOOD MAN AND I TRUST HIM

Mr. Blair, looking at a small television screen mounted to his podium said, "I see Annan misspelled Britain."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Blackemire
John Plante

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You Know
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The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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