January 2007 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 9 Issue 1
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 September 1st - 14th  January 1st - 31st  September 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

The Best of The FarceHaven Tribune 2006
Spork Achieves Acceptance in Fine Dining Community.
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

This weekís meeting of the top etiquette experts ends years of debates and arguments by declaring sporks are to be placed on the right of the main dining plate between the spoons and knives. Immediately following this news a war of words broke out amongst many other experts whether to completely eliminate spoons and forks from the dining arena completely. Some analysts have even gone as far as suggested replacing both sporks and knifes with a hybrid "splade" or another similar utensil. Some analysts feel however that introducing the splade at this critical juncture may ultimately drive deeper rifts in the dining community. One diner in a well-established restaurant says, "Some things are just not done. You donít cut your steak with your spoon! Thatís blasphemy!" At the same time another diner said "I would eat with my bare hands if they let me."

Although proponents of both the spork and its sister tool the splade feel that they can claim some sense of accomplishment in the spork's recognition in the dining etiquette community, they can never rest until the splade, sister of the spork achieves its rightful place beside its brother.


The Olympics Go Downhill
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Apparently, there have been Olympics in Turin, Italy but no one was watching. The problem for the games seems to be that Dick Cheney shot an old guy in the face that same week and distracted most Americans. Maybe next time kids. . .


Utah Man Trades Commode For Country
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

A Utah man Jeb Trinkettaker has declared his bathroom to be an "independent, sovereign state" he calls Bathland. Congress and local officials refuse to release details of the situation in fear that many other bathrooms across America will soon follow suit. Sources have obtained statements Trinkettaker suggesting was "tired of taking the government's shit and thought he'd take one himself." When sources asked why he chose to found a new country in his bathroom, he replied sitting on his "throne" was the one place where he felt like a king.

President Bush, apparently jealous that he is no longer the only self-perceived King in North America has alerted the National Guard. Military analysts have begun to suspect that Weapons of Mass Destruction may in fact exist in Bathland. Recent approval rating polls in this newly formed nation rate President Bushís handling of the crisis at 42%.

In related news, toilet paper companies across the world have reported record low first quarter earnings for 2006 as toilet paper use continues on a steady state of decline.

"People just ain't using toilet paper anymore," industry spokesman Samuel H Wipeman told the FarceHaven. 'Can't say I know what the hell they're using these days, but it ain't toilet paper."

"It's a sign of the breakdown of society," industry worker Sarah T Faithkeeper, said in a released statement. "First it was teen pregnancy, the crack epidemic, Pee Wee Herman, and now this! How can society function without TP?"

Bush has introduced a new bill in Congress creating sanctions against Bathland, specifically halting the export of toilet paper to the miniscule country in an effort to flush out the would-be king.


Gunfire Erupts In Halls Of The White House
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

The tension between staffs that has been so apparent to Capitol watchers for months and increasingly by the American public in general in the wake of the Dick (Dick) Cheney shot gunning incident has spilled over into open violence yesterday, with members of the Presidents aides firing on Mr. Cheney's staff, who responded in kind.

Secret Service agents were forced to disarm the various combatants. Two members of Vice President Cheney's staff were slightly wounded when they got the skin between their thumbs and forefingers caught in their pistol hammers. The injuries could have been much worse, but because they were actually aiming at each other no one was hit.

The incident started when Mr.Cheney failed to call President George Bush after he shotgunned Harry Whittington, instead he had his pizza delivery guy phone Mr. Bush's laser hair removal specialist to delivery the news. Mr. Bush and his staff felt slighted and the whole dispute reached its head when White House press secretary Scott McClellen found himself so far out the loop that he was caught wearing an orange vest and joking about getting while Mr. Whittington was having a heart attack as a result of the shooting. (Then again, Mr. McClellen thought it was great to get a job lying to the American people on behalf of George Bush so no one has much sympathy for him.) Angry words in the wake of that particular fiasco soon escalated into open warfare.

Crews were busy yesterday patching walls and removing shot up furniture. An uneasy truce seems to have settled over the White House; it is even rumored that DickCheney and George Bush have spoken once over the phone since the shooting, although the contents of the tense and brief exchange were not available. At any rate, someone seems to have finally exerted some control over the antagonists but no one knows if it's Mr. Cheney, Mr. Bush or someone else entirely.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " Sometimes it's a good thing to let off a little steam. Things had really started to get tense when Cheney's guys started putting crayon drawings of skulls and crossbones and ĎKeep Out. . .No Bushies Allowed.' on their office doors. Did you know that Cheney has his guys sign a loyalty oath in blood? At least with George Bush we only have to do the super secret handshake."


. . . And They Call it Fluffy Love
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

Famed lobbyist Bubbadiah succeeded this week in convincing Alabama to be the first state to allow interspecies marriage. Bubbadiah said, "Grandma left all her money AND the house to the cats. I panicked. She completely left me out of the will and there was nothing I could do so I changed the law. Fluffy and I are a happy couple, although I originally married her for the money. About a month into the marriage I thought of a divorce but after my wife took everything in my last marriage, I thought, Ďhey a can of tuna and changing the litter box once in a while doesnít seem so bad."

His sister said their grandmother would be proud of him. All across the state similar marriages are taking place and Bubbadiah and his sister are leading the way. She started "Fluffy Love" a marriage agency and dating service to help people meet the animal of their dreams. "You would be surprised at how many people are signing up for the service."

And the trend is growing.

Mississippi State Senator Jerry Bill Samsong has announced plans to introduce a a similar bill in next monthís Senatorial session. And Bubbadiah has already sold the movie rights and written several books.

According to an unnofficial spokesperson of "Fluffy Love" offshoot "Fluffly Lovin'", "Fluffy is the best thing to happen to Bubbadiah since Susie Jenkins down the street kissed him in first grade." Susie Jenkins could not be reached but her mother reportedly said Jenkins has locked herself in her apartment and hasnít left in the past three days. Jenkin's mother has been quoted in various sources as saying "I always thought my Susie would marry him, but how could I be so wrong?"


Stop Identity Theft by Having a Crappy Identity
By
Mike Brown -- Contributing Author

As youíve probably heard on the news, identity theft is becoming a significant problem in the U.S.--especially via the internet. You know how it happens . . . one day youíre happily charging up some merchandise from an online store, and the next thing you know, your life savings are sucked out of your bank account by a Costa Rican llama smuggler*.

But, fortunately, there is a way to keep people from stealing your identity: Having a crappy identity to begin with. Having an identity that no one would possibly want virtually ensures that your identity will never be stolen.

Now, I know what youíre thinking: "What if my identity isnít crappy?" Well, donít worry--Iíve come up with some quick, easy ways to make your identity much, much worse in the eyes of an identity thief:

Be Financially Irresponsible

Gross financial irresponsibility is a sure route to having an undesirable identity. For example, if you are writing a check, there is no need to actually HAVE the money. If you have a loan taken out, donít make the payments. If you are paying bills, stop. These are exactly the types of things that an identity thief will look for.

Commit Crimes

When I say commit crimes, I donít mean things that will really get you in trouble, like murder or something . . . just little stuff that will sully your reputation without any significant jail time. Some popular small crimes are shoplifting, exposing oneís genitalia in public, or killing a state bird, just to name a few. Having a few of these babies on your record will sharply decline the value of your identity.

Steal Someone Elseís Identity

If you steal someone elseís identity, you will have an extra identity in case yours gets stolen. Think of it as an identity insurance policy.

If you follow these quick, easy steps, I assure you that you will never have to worry about identity theft again. If you have any further questions, please e-mail your credit card number, bank account balance, and social security number to me at mikebrown@hotmail.com, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

Together, we can stop identity theft.

*Iím not exactly sure if people in Costa Rica smuggle llamas, but I think we can all agree that they probably do.


Mean What You Say, Donít Say What You Mean
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Jay Bennish, who has taught at Coloradoís Overland High School for five years, was placed on paid leave Wednesday by the Cherry Creek School District, after comments he made in his world geography class about George W. Bush were recorded by a student working as a sub-contractor for the NSA and distributed to a local conservative talk show host. While not actually comparing President Bush to Adolph Hitler (there are indeed major differences between the two men after all. A) After four and a half years in office Hitlerís poll numbers were much higher than George Bushís are now, B) Hitler was actually quite successful in attacking and dominating other countries, at least at the beginning and C) for all his, faults, no one is suggesting that George Bush has a problem with Jews . . . just ask Jack Abramoff D) Mr. Bennish did point out that their rhetoric was sometimes eerily similar. Heíll pay for that, the unpatriotic scumbag.


Potato of Mass Destruction
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

Russian President Vladimir Putin unveiled a new prototype weapon this week. "We call it the Intercontinental Ballistic Potato. It is currently mounted on the back of the vodka powered camel but by this summer we hope to have shoulder mounted models available."

While the potatoes themselves are top secret and held under the tightest security, the vodka powered camels can be seen roaming around Putins backyard eating churros and vodka laced jello shots.

When questioned about the the need for such intense secrecy Putin told reporters, "We canít let everyone have our potatoes. We lead the world in potato technology and we like to keep it that way. We canít let the British or Canadians beat us to it. With one single potato we can hit any spot on the globe within 5 feet. Can anyone elseís potatoes do that?" George W Bush made a personal visit to the United Nations to have the potato labeled as a Weapon of Mass Destruction.


Bible Thumpers of America Needs Conversionists
By
John Blackemire -- Staff Writer

Are you a devout believer of the the one and only true faith on this planet? Is it your mission in life to save all those ignorant people around you? Do you have what it takes to stare in the face of the enemy and tell him he is wrong?

Bible Thumpers of America needs hundreds of devoted souls willing to travel the earth and spread the word, risking life, limb and longevity in a moral Crusade in our God for guns program. That's right, you and twenty of your closest allies will travel to the Middle East aboard the cruiseship God's Chosen where will you enjoy a 6 week seminar on conversion techniques aimed as disarming the opposition of Christianity through love and words. They will give you thier guns in exchange for the Word of God. Applicants are encouraged to increase thier life insurance policies before leaving for the seminar.


The Band Formerly Known as SuperNova Defend Frontman Selection

The Rockstar Reality Show Band Formerly Known as SuperNova defended their selection of front man Lukas Rossi during an interview with the FarceHaven Tribune Thursday as fan backlash clogged the Internet. While the band barely acknowledges the backlash, they choose to issue a response nonetheless.

"What people forget," Supernova voice Tommy Lee told the FarceHaven, "is that when you get two hot celebrities backup musicians like Jason and me and you add Gilby in the mix is that we three have a vested image to protect. We had Lukas picked from day one, Just like INXS had picked JD. I mean the guy's a fucking wimp. We--retain control of the band because we can always steamroll over Lukas. Dilana and Storm, way too strong for us. Dilana was still pushing him around before the finals. Besides, Lukas's got something the girls don't -- this cute fuzzy animal look to him that just makes you want to pet that dead skunk on his head he calls hair. And all this shit about could a woman front Supernova -- well, let's just say the jury's given a verdict on that one."

"For me," Gilby cuts in, "the easy choice was to cut Magni. You know, I like the guy and everything and he clearly had a superior voice to Lukas, but when I saw him playing guitar with the House Band, I thought -- 'Holy Shit! The guy can play. The second I realized he might show me up, take a little bit of my limited limelight away, I knew he had to go. After all, I wasn't exactly the guy in Guns 'N' Roses known for playing the guitar, you know what I'm saying? Slash wouldn't even touch the show."

"We had that problem with Toby too," Jason adds with the usual 'I'm taking a crap while I speak' look on his face. "You see--Toby's original song was just too damn good, made ours look like crap -- well, they are crap. His voice, as I've said on the show, had no problem sailing over the guitars and has grown up a notch, then another notch and another notch. He's a young guy with plenty of growth potential, we couldn't have him stealing our limelight and let's face it, we're not young guys. His shtick will just keep getting better and better and better while the rest of stayed on a plateau. That's not the situation you want when you're replaceable. How else would you explain someone who had such a great rapport with the crowd, who had such a memorable song getting the shaft so early in the final four? I'll put it this way -- you find one person who remembers the chorus from a Supernova original and I'll eat Tommy's hat."

When asked how four purported musical moguls could possibly commit trademark infringement when selecting the band's already taken name Supernova, Tommy sheepishly looked around the Taco Bell we interviewed at and said, "Hey dogs! Tommy Lee's in the hizzle. Can I get a hell ya?" While this FarceHaven reporter may have chosen a better venue than a Compton Taco Bell for this interview, the resulting look on Lee's face while all the real gangsters took a piece of him was priceless.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bob Brighton
Chuck Terzella
John Blackemire
John Plante

Contributing Writers:
Mike Brown

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself