May 2006 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 8 Issue 5
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 September 15th - 30th  May 1st - 14th  April 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

Saddam Hussein to Seek Tom DeLayís Congressional Seat
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has announced that he will seek the Republican nomination to replace outgoing Congressman Tom Delay, who announced his resignation this week in order to concentrate on keeping his sorry ass out of jail. In a news conference given in his prison cell in Baghdadís Green Zone, Mr. Hussein said that since George W. Bush has destroyed his country far more completely than even he ever could and while he has no desire to stay in Iraq, he still has a great deal to offer. Citing his ability to keep Fundamentalist religious sects in line for over thirty years, Mr. Hussein suggested that this ability would serve him well in Texas politics.

Speaking through an interpreter, Mr. Hussein said, "While I have the utmost respect for Mr. DeLay, who was able to retain his seat for so long without ever even killing anyone, I feel that his departure opens the way for a true Conservative to represent Sugarlandís 22nd District. Truth be told, Mr. DeLay, although fairly good at his job, did make some mistakes. Take the whole FAA thing for example. While using the Federal Aviation Administration to track down his political enemies was a good start, Congressman DeLay neglected to take the next logical step and call out the Texas Air National Guard to shoot down the Democratic plane in question. Such an oversight would have never occurred had I been leader."

22nd District Republicans, while first expressing shock and outrage at Mr. Husseinís announcement, seem to be slowly warming to the idea. After all, they reason, Mr. Hussein has great name recognition, a proven capacity to manage a political machine that is said to have rivaled even Mr. DeLayís, and some suspect, a large campaign war chest still salted away in Switzerland, or at least buried throughout the Iraqi desert. While being a dirty foreigner presents some problems, apparently the fact that heís under indictment for crimes against humanity isnít. After all, they point out, many Republicans have performed public service while facing the possibility of extended jail terms or even execution, citing as examples California Congressman Randy (Duke) Cunningham, Connecticut Governor John Rowland, Ohio Governor Bob Taft and while currently indictment free, Florida Congresswoman Katherine Harris and even President George W. Bush.

Mr. Hussein, for one, certainly seems energized by the prospect of entering the rough and tumble world of Texas politics. After all, he said, "When youíve spent your life gassing Kurds, fighting Iranians and murdering tens of thousands of your own people, taking a few Democrats out is a cakewalk."


Hillary Clinton Challenges B. Muff to First Debate
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

Following the news of rapper Bran Muffinís selection of Bill Clinton as a running mate, former First Lady Hillary "H-daddy" Clinton officially announced her candidacy for President. B. Muff told reporters recently, "Itís not every day a man in his position can call his intern ho into work to please him like that. Willie gets props for that. He would make a great Vice President. We can do many things together and learn many things from each other." In a telephone interview Hillary told our staff, "Bill is a bad influence on that nice man. We donít need him to pick up Billís bad habits and womanizing ways," later adding, "That was when I decided that I had to take one for the team to keep him out of trouble by running myself."

Hillary is the favored candidate for the first debate, however, crowds have responded favorably to B. Muff in the past. The general sentiment is B. Muff represents his peeps. Although many politicians dislike B. Muffís style, Senator Donald Wilkins favors him. "Pimping and politics are very similar. Itís all about pleasing people." John Lennon said it best: "All you need is love."


Americans Bemoan Tom DeLay Resignation
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Political humorists in the United States and around the world are in mourning today on the news that Texas Congressman Tom DeLay has announced his resignation, "in order to spend more time with his cell mates". Mr. DeLay, known as the Hammer by his political friends and foes alike, has been facing various charges, including trying the use the FAA in order to track down and arrest Texas Democrats, money laundering, doing unspeakable things with gerbils and pretending to be a Christian as a political expedient.

He will be missed. After having given just this poor writer alone 32,378 published words, coming in just behind George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and John Ashcroft for total satirical articles written, one canít help but wonder who will replace such a titan, satirically speaking. It just proves the old adage, íWhatís Good For The Country Sucks For Political Humor.í

While Mr. DeLay may be leaving Congress, it is sincerely hoped that he isnít abandoning politics altogether. Perhaps he can, now that the burdensome binding of Congressional tact (hah!) has been removed, Mr. DeLay can become a true pundit himself, commenting on Christian Values and giving seminars on how to succeed in Republican politics without having a shred of decency . . . oh, forget it, thatís well known already and needs no instruction. But thereís got to be something The Hammered can do to stay in the limelight, other than just going to prison.

It is fervently hoped that Mr. DeLayís capitulation will not start a trend in Republican politics, with the likes of Katherine Harris pulling out of her Senate race in Florida, Dick Cheney hanging up his shotgun, Antonin Scalia reading a law book or Donald Rumsfeld taking a primer course in basic military strategy. Satirical writers depend on these things for their bread and butter and when people like Mr. DeLay remove themselves from the equation well . . . you just canít help feeling a bit bereft.

While it might be too much, at least for the good of the country, to suggest that Mr. DeLay rethink his resignation, this Liberal hack once again re-iterates (once again re-iterates? What the hell kind of phrase is that? Jeesh.) his hope and prayer that the Nailed doesnít abandon us altogether. Tommy Boy, please. Start a Church, form a new PAC, run for President . . . please baby, donít go. Weíll miss ya big guy.


Potato of Mass Destruction
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

Russian President Vladimir Putin unveiled a new prototype weapon this week. "We call it the Intercontinental Ballistic Potato. It is currently mounted on the back of the vodka powered camel but by this summer we hope to have shoulder mounted models available."

While the potatoes themselves are top secret and held under the tightest security, the vodka powered camels can be seen roaming around Putins backyard eating churros and vodka laced jello shots.

When questioned about the the need for such intense secrecy Putin told reporters, "We canít let everyone have our potatoes. We lead the world in potato technology and we like to keep it that way. We canít let the British or Canadians beat us to it. With one single potato we can hit any spot on the globe within 5 feet. Can anyone elseís potatoes do that?" George W Bush made a personal visit to the United Nations to have the potato labeled as a Weapon of Mass Destruction.


George W. Bush Calls For Reasoned Discourse On Immigration Bill
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

United States President George W. Bush, well known in Washington DC as the voice of reason and sanity in that vociferously strident (stridently vociferous?) city has called for a "serious debateí on the issue but stressed, " . . . it must be done in a civil way." Democrat and Republican members of Congress have responded to Mr. Bushís call, replying, "Oh, piss off."

"If you are doing a job that Americans wonít do, youíre welcome here for a period of time to do that job." said Mr. Bush on Thursday. Mexican President Vicente Fox has reportedly thanked Mr. Bush, but declined his offer to take over the leadership of the United States, saying, " That idiota made his bed, and Iím not going to take the blame . . . oh, he said "wonít do? I thought he said, Ďcanít doí. Mi error."

President Bush has long advocated some form of temporary alien permit system, saying, "Without the help of our uneducated little brown brothers and sisters south of the border our toilets would stink, our cars would be all dirty and our richest families wouldnít have anyone to mow their lawns or take out the garbage. It would tear apart the fabric of our society, at least for my friends."

The immigration issue threatens to cause a rift between two major Republican core groups at a time when the President desperately needs unity in his party. On one side, business interests desperately want immigrants who they can under pay, abuse and ignore the welfare of, while social conservatives feel that there are more than enough Blacks and Native Americans in this country to shit on. Xenophobes on both sides of the aisle worry about national security, rightly identifying poor Mexicans trying to feed their families as the number one threat to the nation, far outstripping Muslim Fundamentalists and even Canadians. They have a point. Once Mexicans who risk their very lives to get to the US realize that the American Dream is a nightmare of fourteen hours days crouching under the broiling sun picking grapes and beans or getting maimed or killed in construction accidents, chances are they may become . . . disillusioned. God knows where that can lead. Hopefully, not a more caring or open society.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bob Brighton
Chuck Terzella

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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