March 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 2
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 March 15th - 31st  March 1st - 14th  February 1st - 29th Editor: John Blackemire

Sly Stallone: Best Actor?
By
Robert Pingatore -- Contributing Author

HOLLYWOOD, California -- As the nominees for this year’s Academy Awards were announced today, there were few surprises. However, the one nomination that caught everyone’s eye was among the candidates for this year’s best actor, Sylvester Stallone for his performance in The Greater of Two Evils, in which Stallone, playing against type, portrayed a young woman who, having experienced the trauma of college date rape, begins to realize that she has a deep passion for women, and turns to a life of lesbianism.

Stallone has claimed that it was the most difficult role he’s played. "First of all, you see, I’m not a woman," Stallone explained in an interview in June. A true Method actor who gained 30 pounds in preparation of his critically acclaimed role in the film Copland, Stallone went to great lengths to capture the essence of Jennifer, the young woman he portrays, even going so far acquiring breast implants.

"The difficult thing about getting my breasts done was that once I got over the soreness, I really regretted not going a size larger, as my physician suggested," Stallone continued, "That and the fact that I didn’t ever want to leave the house."

When asked about filming the emotionally intense date-rape scene, Sly was effusive in his praise for fellow actor, Brian Van Holt, who plays Jennifer’s college boyfriend-turned-assailant. "I know up on the screen, it looks like Brian is really pretty rough. But the truth was, he was very accommodating and professional, and has soft hands."

Taking a page out of Charlize Theron’s, Tobey Maguire’s, and Rene Zellwiger’s books, Stallone radically altered his looks even further, by dropping 40 pounds. The initial title sequence in which the audience watches Jennifer showering herself and her lesbian lover is so shockingly real in appearance that many industry insiders remain convinced that Stallone required a body-double for the scene.

"There’s no way that’s Rocky up there," Harry Kaminstani, head of Sliced Productions in Hollywood proclaims. "I know his (buttocks), and that’s not his (buttocks)."

Still, Stallone, while proud of garnering a nomination from the Academy, hopes that filmgoers and critics pay more attention to his performance than his body. "I want people to respect the talent and effort that I put into that performance, not just marvel over my perfect breasts or girlish figure," he explained while openly massaging his C cup sized breasts, "There’s more to a good performance than just the visuals."


War Due to Lack of Intelligence
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

David Kay, Chief US Weapons Inspector, has blamed the Iraq War on a lack of adequate intelligence, namely George Bush's and his own, as well as every other official in the White House.

"I don't know why everyone is so surprised at my findings," a confused Mr. Kay told a Senate Panel, " I mean, ever since this guy (George Bush) took office, the whole world has been calling him stupid. Truth be told, he is stupid. So how can everyone act so shocked when they have it proven to them? This is a guy who was proud of the name Dubya for Christ sakes."

Colin Powell, who was once thought to be intelligent, had a darker outlook. "I think that Saddam did have a secret bio weapon... an idiot pill that he was able to slip into the water supply of Washington and 10 Downing Street. This evil weapon made every one who was exposed to it think that George Bush knew what he was talking about. Homeland Security has had us drinking bottled water for a few weeks now and I think we're finally starting to get better."

Anonymous Administration source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse was quoted on deep background as saying, "Geez, it's like we're all finally waking up from a bad dream. Iraq, the missions to the Moon and Mars, Tax Cuts for the Rich, Compassionate Conservatism, all of it seemed so reasonable when Bush said it. I'm never drinking tap water again."

Ironically, the only people in Washington who seemed unaffected by the alleged "Bio Boob" chemical were the President and some members of his inner circle. Secretary Powell has hinted that studies conducted by the Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Company have shown that the lower a persons original IQ, the less effect the weapon had. "George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and John Ashcroft were barely affected." said Powell," but it will take me years to recover."


Halliburton: Someone's Gotta Pay

The Pentagon has issued a statement saying it was investigating it's major supplier again, this time for over billing the government 16 million dollars for meals it never served the troops. This comes on the heels of both the investigation of 61 million dollars in gasoline overcharges and the admission that two company officials accepted 6.3 million dollars in kickbacks for helping certain subcontractors get their bids approved.

The Halliburton Company has issued a statement saying it was getting tired trying to find new and unique ways to bilk the government out of as much money as it can; therefore it's turning to out and out robbery. Already, several soldiers serving in Tikrit have reported being mugged by Halliburton employees, having had their weapons and spare cash stolen. " It's really crazy out here," said Pfc. H. Elpme, " One minute we're worried about Al Qaida, the next minute we're getting our (stuff) stolen by these Halliburton thugs. Between you and me, I'll take Al Qaida any day. These Halliburton guys are ruthless."

Halliburton has issued a statement saying, "Look, some of the boys got a little out of hand out there. That sort of thing can happen when your company tells you if you don't meet your quota of illegal profits you're gonna get canned. But we never meant to have our employees actually mugging ground troops. What we were looking for was a more sophisticated series of high-jacks, break-ins and smash and grabs. We never meant to leave regular grunts unarmed. After all, you can't really make any money on selling guns in Iraq, there's too many there so the return doesn't justify the time spent in stealing them."

Vice President Dick Cheney was quoted as saying, "You gotta give the boys credit for initiative. After all, money is money...with a hundred fifty thousand troops there, if you can steal one hundred dollars from each one, you can almost make enough to pay my severance package for a year.


Schwarzenegger Defends Poetntial Ban of Same Sex Marriages
By
Clayton Follows -- Staff Writer

In a surprise move, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has chosen to stand against the cause of same sex marriage.

"Marriage as we know it should be a protected institution," Schwarzenegger said at a recent press conference, "and is the cornerstone of my--I mean--our fine civilization. We as citizens must do everything we can to protect the sanctity of this fine institution."

When asked to elaborate by Cynical reporter Clayton Follows, Schwarzenegger had this to say about the situation.

"Can you imagine a world with same sex marriages?" Schwarzenegger asked us. "People having sex in only one position. It would destroy the fabric of marriage as we know it.

"In response to the threat of same sex marriage, I have proposed new legislation that guarantees couples will have sex a minimum of four nights a week. Anyone who fails to meet the quota will have to deal with me."

When asked what the penalty of not meeting this quota is, Schwarzenegger had this to say.

"I exist solely to make sure these women meet their quota. Should any women need help meeting the quota, they may feel free to stop by my office."

When asked to comment on where the men could go to recieve help meeting their quotas, Schwarzenegger offerred no comment.


Mountain to be Blown Up
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan announced the appointment of New Zealander Ross Mountain as Interim Envoy to Iraq. Mr. Mountain takes over the duties of Sergio Vieira De Mello who was blown up in Baghdad on August 19th.

"I believe Mr. Mountain is well suited to take over the duties of Mr. Vieira De Mello, at least until someone kills him," Mr. Annan was quoted as saying, " This, coupled with the fact that I don’t really like the guy and wouldn’t care if he gets splattered makes him an excellent choice for the post."

Mr. Mountain, when notified of the appointment screamed, "Oh God, no! What have I ever done to Annan to deserve this? I’m too sick to travel...I’m in the middle of painting my house...the car needs an oil change...I can’t go! Please!" United Nations workers, after prying Mr. Mountain’s fingers from the railing of his front steps, drove the sobbing Envoy to the airport and, once he was adequately sedated, flew him off to Baghdad.


Janklow Convicted

South Dakota Republican Congressman William (Wild Bill) Janklow was convicted on Monday, December 8 of 2nd Degree Manslaughter in the death of a 55 year old motorcyclist in August.

Janklow, who has been involved in seven car accidents and received a dozen tickets in the last 11 years said in his defense, “You know, there have been so many (accidents) it’s hard to remember exactly what happened. Think about it...you go to the store and buy a dozen eggs, do you remember each one?

“Every good Republican in the great state of South Dakota knows that traffic signs are just suggestions really and anyway, one farmer more or less around here doesn’t really make much difference.”

Mr. Janklow’s attorney, his hand clamped over Mr. Janklow’s mouth, responded, “What Mr. Janklow meant to say is that in addition to being a lunatic driver, he is a diabetic who hadn’t eaten in eighteen hours and suffered memory loss due to low blood sugar. Also, seven car crashes and one death aren’t so bad when you think about it. That’s a less than 10% kill rate.”

Mr. Janklow has resigned from Congress, even though drop kicking some poor guy with your car doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t be a politician in the United States. After all, it’s a free country.


In Other News:

The United Nations has launched a new interactive cartoon, called ‘HIV/AIDS- Stand Up For Human Rights.' The cartoon portrays the HIV/AIDS virus dressed as Arab terrorists attacking an unsuspecting world population. Sources close to the project suggest that American President George W. Bush submitted the cartoon concept and promised Kofi Annan that he wouldn’t bomb the U.N. building in New York City if the idea was used.

Mr. Bush has often expressed his interest in fighting AIDS, mostly because it’s the only disease that he can spell. “I don’t think Diseases like E Bol...E Bal...you know what I mean, or that other one, malari...mylara...whatever it is, are that important when you compare them AIDS. That’s spelled A...I...D...S in case anyone wants to know. Laura told me.”


Baker Speaks; Heads Explode

Russian President Vladimir Putin has called the United States invasion of Iraq “unjustified” citing a lack of United Nations support. He was especially critical of U.S. President George W. Bush, saying, “That guy’s been creeping me out ever since he looked into my soul. The soul’s a private thing and I don’t want just anybody looking into it. I think he also went through my medicine chest when he used the restroom.”

Mr. Putin also said, “I am being as restrained as I can be when I choose these words.” Mr. Putin, who was apparently tied to a chair in office when he spoke, continued warning that “Great countries, Empires have fallen before...due to a feeling of grandeur.”

The White House responded, “Yeah, yeah, whatever. How many countries does Putin own?”

The United States representative James Baker has traveled throughout Old Europe trying to convince nations such as France, Germany and Russia that they should forgive billions in Iraqi debt in exchange for not being allowed to bid on any reconstruction work in the U.S. owned Protectorate.

“This seems like fair exchange to us,” said Mr. Baker, “ True, these countries in the Paris Club did work in Iraq and sold them goods, but we’ve killed or imprisoned most of the Iraqi’s who signed the contracts and why should we pay for anything some dead guy bought? As for any new work, it’s obvious that Iraq is a bad credit risk. After all, they’re not paying the old bills, why would these countries want to business with them now? We’re actually helping France, Germany and Russia by not letting them bid, don’t you see?”

At that point reporters’ heads began to explode as they tried to process Mr. Baker’s logic and the press conference was ended


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
Clayton Follows

Contributing Writers:
Robert Pingatore

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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