As youíve probably heard on the news, identity theft is becoming a significant problem in the U.S.--especially via the internet. You know how it happens . . . one day youíre happily charging up some merchandise from an online store, and the next thing you know, your life savings are sucked out of your bank account by a Costa Rican llama smuggler*.
But, fortunately, there is a way to keep people from stealing your identity: Having a crappy identity to begin with. Having an identity that no one would possibly want virtually ensures that your identity will never be stolen.
Now, I know what youíre thinking: "What if my identity isnít crappy?" Well, donít worry--Iíve come up with some quick, easy ways to make your identity much, much worse in the eyes of an identity thief:
Be Financially Irresponsible
Gross financial irresponsibility is a sure route to having an undesirable identity. For example, if you are writing a check, there is no need to actually HAVE the money. If you have a loan taken out, donít make the payments. If you are paying bills, stop. These are exactly the types of things that an identity thief will look for.
When I say commit crimes, I donít mean things that will really get you in trouble, like murder or something . . . just little stuff that will sully your reputation without any significant jail time. Some popular small crimes are shoplifting, exposing oneís genitalia in public, or killing a state bird, just to name a few. Having a few of these babies on your record will sharply decline the value of your identity.
Steal Someone Elseís Identity
If you steal someone elseís identity, you will have an extra identity in case yours gets stolen. Think of it as an identity insurance policy.
If you follow these quick, easy steps, I assure you that you will never have to worry about identity theft again. If you have any further questions, please e-mail your credit card number, bank account balance, and social security number to me at firstname.lastname@example.org, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Together, we can stop identity theft.
*Iím not exactly sure if people in Costa Rica smuggle llamas, but I think we can all agree that they probably do.