April 2006 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 8 Issue 4
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 April 15th - 30th  April 1st - 14th  March 15th - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

. . . And They Call it Fluffy Love
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

Famed lobbyist Bubbadiah succeeded this week in convincing Alabama to be the first state to allow interspecies marriage. Bubbadiah said, "Grandma left all her money AND the house to the cats. I panicked. She completely left me out of the will and there was nothing I could do so I changed the law. Fluffy and I are a happy couple, although I originally married her for the money. About a month into the marriage I thought of a divorce but after my wife took everything in my last marriage, I thought, Ďhey a can of tuna and changing the litter box once in a while doesnít seem so bad."

His sister said their grandmother would be proud of him. All across the state similar marriages are taking place and Bubbadiah and his sister are leading the way. She started "Fluffy Love" a marriage agency and dating service to help people meet the animal of their dreams. "You would be surprised at how many people are signing up for the service."

And the trend is growing.

Mississippi State Senator Jerry Bill Samsong has announced plans to introduce a a similar bill in next monthís Senatorial session. And Bubbadiah has already sold the movie rights and written several books.

According to an unnofficial spokesperson of "Fluffy Love" offshoot "Fluffly Lovin'", "Fluffy is the best thing to happen to Bubbadiah since Susie Jenkins down the street kissed him in first grade." Susie Jenkins could not be reached but her mother reportedly said Jenkins has locked herself in her apartment and hasnít left in the past three days. Jenkin's mother has been quoted in various sources as saying "I always thought my Susie would marry him, but how could I be so wrong?"


Yellowstone Quake Registers 10.7
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Today the entire state of Wyoming collapsed as the Yellowstone caldera exploded, sending ash and boulders the size of elementary schools 120,000 feet into the air. Such a catastrophe occurs only once on earth every 1.2 million years, according to Dr. Isaac Liverwurst at Cal Tech, and it's either irony or dumb luck that it has to happen during a time when taxpayers are feeling donor fatigue due to Katrina and the far smaller Pakistan quake. Now the western half of the U.S. is bracing for perpetual nightfall as the doomsday clouds spread, while everyone east of the Mississippi is rushing to declare bankruptcy, and also to fill their tanks before a gallon of gas reaches the predicted $20 gold eagle (or diamond wedding ring) rate. What is the chance of another disaster like this happening again soon? As Dr. Liverwurst suggests, "Well, let me put it like this. . .they didn't call it Old Faithful for nothing."


Stop Identity Theft by Having a Crappy Identity
By
Mike Brown -- Contributing Author

As youíve probably heard on the news, identity theft is becoming a significant problem in the U.S.--especially via the internet. You know how it happens . . . one day youíre happily charging up some merchandise from an online store, and the next thing you know, your life savings are sucked out of your bank account by a Costa Rican llama smuggler*.

But, fortunately, there is a way to keep people from stealing your identity: Having a crappy identity to begin with. Having an identity that no one would possibly want virtually ensures that your identity will never be stolen.

Now, I know what youíre thinking: "What if my identity isnít crappy?" Well, donít worry--Iíve come up with some quick, easy ways to make your identity much, much worse in the eyes of an identity thief:

Be Financially Irresponsible

Gross financial irresponsibility is a sure route to having an undesirable identity. For example, if you are writing a check, there is no need to actually HAVE the money. If you have a loan taken out, donít make the payments. If you are paying bills, stop. These are exactly the types of things that an identity thief will look for.

Commit Crimes

When I say commit crimes, I donít mean things that will really get you in trouble, like murder or something . . . just little stuff that will sully your reputation without any significant jail time. Some popular small crimes are shoplifting, exposing oneís genitalia in public, or killing a state bird, just to name a few. Having a few of these babies on your record will sharply decline the value of your identity.

Steal Someone Elseís Identity

If you steal someone elseís identity, you will have an extra identity in case yours gets stolen. Think of it as an identity insurance policy.

If you follow these quick, easy steps, I assure you that you will never have to worry about identity theft again. If you have any further questions, please e-mail your credit card number, bank account balance, and social security number to me at mikebrown@hotmail.com, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

Together, we can stop identity theft.

*Iím not exactly sure if people in Costa Rica smuggle llamas, but I think we can all agree that they probably do.


Mean What You Say, Donít Say What You Mean
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Jay Bennish, who has taught at Coloradoís Overland High School for five years, was placed on paid leave Wednesday by the Cherry Creek School District, after comments he made in his world geography class about George W. Bush were recorded by a student working as a sub-contractor for the NSA and distributed to a local conservative talk show host. While not actually comparing President Bush to Adolph Hitler (there are indeed major differences between the two men after all. A) After four and a half years in office Hitlerís poll numbers were much higher than George Bushís are now, B) Hitler was actually quite successful in attacking and dominating other countries, at least at the beginning and C) for all his, faults, no one is suggesting that George Bush has a problem with Jews . . . just ask Jack Abramoff D) Mr. Bennish did point out that their rhetoric was sometimes eerily similar. Heíll pay for that, the unpatriotic scumbag.


Political Correctness Bites . . . Londonís Mayor
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

London Mayor Ken Livingstone was suspended for one month from his duties by the Standards Board for England for comments he made to Jewish reporter Oliver Finegold of the Evening Standard newspaper while leaving a party for a Gay politician this month. In the exchange with Mr. Finegold, Mayor Livingstone, who absolutely despises the Standard, did indeed compare the reporter to a concentration camp guard as well as asking him if he were a Nazi war criminal. He also called those who worked for the Standard " . . . a load of scumbags and reactionary bigots" and accused the paper of having a "record of supporting fascism." charges that the Evening Standard or the Standards Board apparently did not find offensive, as Mr. Livingstoneís suspension is only over his concentration camp guard remark. A statement issued by the Standards Board said in part, " We will not and cannot tolerate some stupid, fucking White Christian son of a bitch who hangs out with faggots at parties saying anything against anybody with a circulation of more than 2 a half million."


Ms. Smith Goes To Washington
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

And finally, as if George W. Bush werenít enough of an indication that the end of the world is upon us, Anna Nicole Smith, that sometimes chubby chanteuse who married Texas billionaire J. Howard Marshall II, and has been fighting his family for the estate ever since, had her case appear before the Supreme Court this week. While Clarence Thomas fumbled with something in his lap and Antonin Scalia Ďcleaned his guní, Ms. Smithís lawyers argued a twenty something stripper and Playboy Playmate who actually has to fondle a wrinkled old 89 oil tycoon for a whole year should get a half billion dollars for the job, at least. Good Luck Anna, Texasís next billionaire.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bob Brighton
Chuck Terzella

Contributing Writers:
Jonathan Lowe
Mike Brown

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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