Recent studies have shown* that over 79% of murder victims are killed by someone that they are close to. This, to me, is a shocking statistic. I mean, close your eyes and try and picture a murderer. It doesnít look anything like someone you know, right? Mine actually had a hook for a hand and an eye patch. And he was a ninja. And I definitely donít know any one handed, one eyed ninjas (although it would be cool if I did).
But the statistics donít lie, folks. It turns out that the people you know and love are ruthless killing machines.
Now, if youíre anything like me, youíve begun to worry. How can you keep from getting murdered if the murderers are people you know?
Well, I believe Iíve come up with a solution to this problem, a solution that may one day save your life:
You need to sabotage all of your relationships.
Now, this is a pretty easy thing for me to do, because, as anyone whoís met me will tell you, I have an abrasive and unattractive personality. Itís easy for me to sabotage my few relationships, because people rarely like me to begin with.
But, I realize that some of you might actually have a lot of friends and family, and it may not be so easy for you to sabotage your relationship with all of them.
Fortunately for you, however, I have included some tips on discontinuing your relationships with your friends and loved ones. I know it may be difficult for you to destroy every acquaintance that you have, but remember: one day, it may very well save your life. Keep in mind you may think these people care about you, but the statistics sing a different tune. These people are probably already plotting to kill you.
So, without further adieu, here are the tips:
1. Move away.
One of the easiest ways to avoid people you know is to simply move to another city. If you have a job, quit. Youíll find a new one. And if you have kids, leave them. Taking those people with you is just begging for trouble. But donít tell anybody where youíre going. I suggest lying, or perhaps staging a suicide. Either is a perfectly viable option. Remember: be creative. Thereís no one right way to sever your ties to the ones you care about.
Now that youíve moved, you need to make sure that you donít form any new relationships. Thatís where the next tips come in--
2. Be unnecessarily mean and impolite.
A good way to ensure that you donít form anymore meaningful relationships is being mean to people. Being mean is fun AND easy. . .and the possibilities are endless. For example, you can give cruel put-downs to strangers on the street, or give people really dirty looks for no reason at all. And forget about please, thank you, and excuse me. You wonít be needing those anymore.
Again, I recommend being creative. There are all kinds of ways to be mean. If you see a disabled person on crutches, shove them into a nearby ravine. If you come across an old lady, push her down and taunt her while she struggles to get back up. If you see a woman holding a baby, knock it out of her hands. These are just a few examples of things you can do to make sure nobody will want to know you.
3. If all else fails . . .
If all else fails, and you STILL have people that insist on being your acquaintance, even after ALL of the unattractive habits that youíve recently picked up . . . you might have to kill them. If you hit them with your car in a parking lot you could probably make it look like an accident (if you donít have a car, a large bicycle should do, but itíll be tougher to make it look unintentional). Or you could hire a mafia hit on them. Either way. Now, I realize that by killing them youíd be becoming the very thing that youíre trying to avoid -- a murderer. But think of it this way: better them than you. And remember: thereís a 79% chance that theyíd do the same to you. I donít know about you, but I sure donít like those odds.
Now, if you keep all of those tips in mind, you may just keep people away from you long enough to stay alive. Be constantly vigilant, as there are always people around that will be trying to get to know you. These people are all potential serial killers, and they will stop at nothing.
Sabotage your relationships, people. Your life may very well depend on it.
*By "Recent studies have shown" I mean, "Someone recently told me that they read this in a magazine".