March 2006 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 8 Issue 3
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 March 15th - 31st  March 1st - 14th  February 1st - 28th Editor: John Blackemire

The Olympics Go Downhill
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Apparently, there have been Olympics in Turin, Italy but no one was watching. The problem for the games seems to be that Dick Cheney shot an old guy in the face that same week and distracted most Americans. Maybe next time kids. . .


Beverly Hillbillies Strike Oil Off Melrose
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

A tour bus arriving from West Virginia, containing passengers all ironically named Billy Bob, offloaded last night near a Dennys on Melrose. While talking about Jessica Simpson of "Dukes of Hazard" fame, the star struck tourists were treated to ham and eggs in the presence of none other than Billy Bob Thornton, an encounter which left four of them in the hospital when the enraged actor and his bodyguard introduced them to a bubbling french fryer upon being called "cousin." The fifth Billy Bob then reportedly put his own hands into the fryer. . . for fear his face was next.


Number One With A Bullet, Or Will He Just Bomb?
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In other music news, (off his) rocker Osama bin Laden has issued his latest release, albeit to mixed reviews. The main problem with this tortured artist's newest offering is it's lack of continuity as well as poor production standards, according to Unnamed FBI (Frontier Booking International) Source Walkman ( Slim) Waterhouse. The FBI, which placed the singing Saudi at the top of it's Most Wanted List after the 9/11 attacks only to drop him later after bin Laden's extended hiatus from public life due to a dispute with fellow rockers Bush, has called this newest offering "schitzophrenic" with Waterhouse saying, "One minute he's calling for truces, the next threatening new attacks. . .I mean, how do you market a guy like that? Plus, that ZZ Top beard thing is so Eighties."


Tainted Fruit Drink "Taints" Juice Drinking Competition in South America
By
Dave O'Karma -- Contributing Author

16 of the world's best competitive eaters were were hospitalized after participating in a " juice drinking" contest at the 27th Annual Jonestown Memorial Festival held in Jonestown, Guyana, South America.

"We came down here to celebrate the beauty of Guyanish culture and what a better way than to contest in the flavorful juices of this lush paradise. It's the last place on earth you expect something like this to happen." were the words of George Shea, president of the International Federation of Competitive Eaters, a PR cult of professional eaters hired by Flav-R-Ene Juice Company to promote the event, when asked to comment about the tainted juices.

"We haven't seen anything like this since 1987 and the People's Temple of..." commented Jonestown resident Pedro Martinez as he was quickly ushered away by Festival police.

Guyanan goverment officials promised a quick and thorough investigation as IFOCE eaters slowly recovered in a nearby jungle hospital.

"No joke intended, but I had a "gut feeling" that there was something "not Kosher" about this contest." kidded a weak, but happy, Corndog O'Connor of Akron, Ohio who was leading all competitors before being seized by severe abdominal cramps.

"But, this ain't nothin' compared to the chicken wings they give ya at the Philadelphia Wing Bowl. Those things'll kill ya!"


Race Car Driver Jeff Gordon Writes Tell-All Book
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Nascar driver Jeff Gordon today announced both his retirement and the publication of a book he has co-written with Deepak Choprah titled LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND THE CHECKERED FLAG. Speaking to a group of Hollywood traffic school attendees required by law to buy his book, Gordon told Halle Berry, Jack Nicholson, Snoop Dogg and others that they should slow down and enjoy life instead of being obsessed with the future. "What is life anyway?" Gordon asked, metaphorically. "Is it a race? If so, is death the finish line?" Gordon then proceeded to outline the meaning of life, and the mysteries of the universe, using the blackboard and various charts and graphs. When done, he wiped the chalk from his hands, turned to the audience, and asked, "Now, does anybody know where I can buy a good used Toyota Camry?"


Bang, Bang...He Shot Me Down
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face after drinking only one beer. . .God knows what damage he could have caused if he'd been drunk. After dithering with the facts, as people who've had only one beer sometimes will sometimes be fuzzy on the details, Mr. Cheney finally admitted that the one beer didn't cause him to shoot a guy in the face, ineptitude did.


Decrease Crime by Sabotaging Your Personal Relationships
By
Mike Brown -- Contributing Author

Recent studies have shown* that over 79% of murder victims are killed by someone that they are close to. This, to me, is a shocking statistic. I mean, close your eyes and try and picture a murderer. It doesnít look anything like someone you know, right? Mine actually had a hook for a hand and an eye patch. And he was a ninja. And I definitely donít know any one handed, one eyed ninjas (although it would be cool if I did).

But the statistics donít lie, folks. It turns out that the people you know and love are ruthless killing machines.

Now, if youíre anything like me, youíve begun to worry. How can you keep from getting murdered if the murderers are people you know?

Well, I believe Iíve come up with a solution to this problem, a solution that may one day save your life:

You need to sabotage all of your relationships.

Now, this is a pretty easy thing for me to do, because, as anyone whoís met me will tell you, I have an abrasive and unattractive personality. Itís easy for me to sabotage my few relationships, because people rarely like me to begin with.

But, I realize that some of you might actually have a lot of friends and family, and it may not be so easy for you to sabotage your relationship with all of them.

Fortunately for you, however, I have included some tips on discontinuing your relationships with your friends and loved ones. I know it may be difficult for you to destroy every acquaintance that you have, but remember: one day, it may very well save your life. Keep in mind you may think these people care about you, but the statistics sing a different tune. These people are probably already plotting to kill you.

So, without further adieu, here are the tips:

1. Move away.

One of the easiest ways to avoid people you know is to simply move to another city. If you have a job, quit. Youíll find a new one. And if you have kids, leave them. Taking those people with you is just begging for trouble. But donít tell anybody where youíre going. I suggest lying, or perhaps staging a suicide. Either is a perfectly viable option. Remember: be creative. Thereís no one right way to sever your ties to the ones you care about.

Now that youíve moved, you need to make sure that you donít form any new relationships. Thatís where the next tips come in--

2. Be unnecessarily mean and impolite.

A good way to ensure that you donít form anymore meaningful relationships is being mean to people. Being mean is fun AND easy. . .and the possibilities are endless. For example, you can give cruel put-downs to strangers on the street, or give people really dirty looks for no reason at all. And forget about please, thank you, and excuse me. You wonít be needing those anymore.

Again, I recommend being creative. There are all kinds of ways to be mean. If you see a disabled person on crutches, shove them into a nearby ravine. If you come across an old lady, push her down and taunt her while she struggles to get back up. If you see a woman holding a baby, knock it out of her hands. These are just a few examples of things you can do to make sure nobody will want to know you.

3. If all else fails . . .

If all else fails, and you STILL have people that insist on being your acquaintance, even after ALL of the unattractive habits that youíve recently picked up . . . you might have to kill them. If you hit them with your car in a parking lot you could probably make it look like an accident (if you donít have a car, a large bicycle should do, but itíll be tougher to make it look unintentional). Or you could hire a mafia hit on them. Either way. Now, I realize that by killing them youíd be becoming the very thing that youíre trying to avoid -- a murderer. But think of it this way: better them than you. And remember: thereís a 79% chance that theyíd do the same to you. I donít know about you, but I sure donít like those odds.

Now, if you keep all of those tips in mind, you may just keep people away from you long enough to stay alive. Be constantly vigilant, as there are always people around that will be trying to get to know you. These people are all potential serial killers, and they will stop at nothing.

Sabotage your relationships, people. Your life may very well depend on it.

*By "Recent studies have shown" I mean, "Someone recently told me that they read this in a magazine".


Honey, Honey, Honey, I'm Home
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Walter K. Steed, a Hildale, Utah judge was removed from the bench after he admitted he was a Mormon bigamist with three wives, all sisters and 32 children, all siblings and cousins simultaneously. Far from being repentant that he was really just a criminal, no matter what his beliefs, a surprised Steed said, "I had hoped that the court would see my case as an opportunity to correct the injustices that are caused by the criminalization of my religious beliefs and lifestyle." Apparently other Utahan's (?) who actually obey the law disagreed, but being Mormons themselves, have so far declined to prosecute the fertile father. I still can't understand bigamy. . .after all, who would want three women telling them what to do instead of just one?


Who's Smiling Now?
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Katharine Harris, the woman who made George W. Bush President in 2000 and currently a Congressional Representative from Florida, has been named as the recipient of $32,000 dollars in illegal campaign contributions made by defense contractor and admitted criminal Mitchell J. Wade of the defunct MZM Inc. Ms. Harris, who endeared herself to Republicans nationwide when as Florida's Secretary of State and co-chair of the Bush Florida Election Campaign and once rumored to be a paramour of Governor Jeb Bush, was accused in that race of, well. . .just throwing the fucking thing to Bush. As for the illegal payments thing, representatives for Ms. Harris admit that she took the illegal cash, but since she gave it all away to charity as soon as she found out she got caught everything's okay now.


Gunfire Erupts In Halls Of The White House
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

The tension between staffs that has been so apparent to Capitol watchers for months and increasingly by the American public in general in the wake of the Dick (Dick) Cheney shot gunning incident has spilled over into open violence yesterday, with members of the Presidents aides firing on Mr. Cheney's staff, who responded in kind.

Secret Service agents were forced to disarm the various combatants. Two members of Vice President Cheney's staff were slightly wounded when they got the skin between their thumbs and forefingers caught in their pistol hammers. The injuries could have been much worse, but because they were actually aiming at each other no one was hit.

The incident started when Mr.Cheney failed to call President George Bush after he shotgunned Harry Whittington, instead he had his pizza delivery guy phone Mr. Bush's laser hair removal specialist to delivery the news. Mr. Bush and his staff felt slighted and the whole dispute reached its head when White House press secretary Scott McClellen found himself so far out the loop that he was caught wearing an orange vest and joking about getting while Mr. Whittington was having a heart attack as a result of the shooting. (Then again, Mr. McClellen thought it was great to get a job lying to the American people on behalf of George Bush so no one has much sympathy for him.) Angry words in the wake of that particular fiasco soon escalated into open warfare.

Crews were busy yesterday patching walls and removing shot up furniture. An uneasy truce seems to have settled over the White House; it is even rumored that DickCheney and George Bush have spoken once over the phone since the shooting, although the contents of the tense and brief exchange were not available. At any rate, someone seems to have finally exerted some control over the antagonists but no one knows if it's Mr. Cheney, Mr. Bush or someone else entirely.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " Sometimes it's a good thing to let off a little steam. Things had really started to get tense when Cheney's guys started putting crayon drawings of skulls and crossbones and ĎKeep Out. . .No Bushies Allowed.' on their office doors. Did you know that Cheney has his guys sign a loyalty oath in blood? At least with George Bush we only have to do the super secret handshake."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella

Contributing Writers:
Dave O'Karma
Jonathan Lowe
Mike Brown

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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