February 2006 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 8 Issue 2
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 March 1st - 14th  February 1st - 28th  January 1st - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Friends To Be Immortalized
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

In order to improve attendance and save itself from the budget axe, The National Parks Service has decided to re-sculpt Mount Rushmore into the images of the former cast of Friends. In related news, the Screen Actors Guild has announced it will soon open its first church for general admission to the public.

"We hope to supply the average Jane or Joe with a whole new venue for star worship," stated the source, formerly a friend of a Friend.

"Please, large denominations only when the plate is passed in your own neighborhood sanctuary. The clergy are making extraordinary contract demands, worse than the NBA and NFL Dioceses."


Yacht Race Massacres Fifty
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Fifty spectators to the Celebrity Yacht Race in Long Beach were accidentally killed last night when a Celebrity Cruise ship piloted by Tom Cruise grazed a Carnival Cruise ship piloted by Penelope, and veered into the stands.

"The two ships were supposed to pass in the night, but kissed off each other," harbormaster Eric Ericson reported to the Long Beach Tattler after hours phone desk.

"Please tell Katie, if you must, that all the celebs involved in the incident are truly, truly safe, and that anybody who is anybody wishes to express their deepest condolences to those who are not."


Abramoff Plea Exposes The Loneliness Of Washington Life
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Republican lawmakers have been stumbling over each other to give back all the monies that Jack Abramoff has donated to their various campaign funds over the years. While denying that any of the funds from Abramoff were given them as a quid pro quo for any legislative backing of the lobbyistís clients, Republican Congressmen and Senators have apparently decided that even the suggestion that were prostituting themselves and their offices for a few pieces of filthy lucre or a golfing junket to Scotland was enough to make a show of remorse. Most of the monies returned will go to various charities, namely the legal defense funds of those to be indicted.

Once the darling of hungry and overworked members of Congress, Abramoff, who was always ready with a five hundred dollar meal or an all expenses paid gambling junket to an Indian casino or Caribbean resort, the embattled lobbyist has become a symbol of a problem that is pervasive in Washington culture . . . not greed, but loneliness. Many politicians who accepted money, trips and various gifts from Mr. Abramoff said they only did so because the backstabbing, dog eat dog Capitol atmosphere left them feeling friendless and unloved.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " You donít know what itís like to be a powerful member of Congress. The poor little dears have no friends, their families are in far away home states and after a hard day cutting social programs and giving tax breaks to the rich theyíre faced with the prospect of a long night in a Georgetown townhouse alone with their servants and maybe the occasional 23 year old blond masseuse. Jack was one of the few truly kind people in town, inviting them to his restaurant Signatures, throwing them a few grand in cash to help them get through the week, generally making them feel loved. And what did he ask for in return? Nothing. Well, maybe a letter to the Interior Department on behalf of his Indians friends, help organizing a visit to the President by an African dictator, a little help in murdering a former casino owner, you know, inconsequential stuff."

Perhaps the biggest loser in this sordid scandal in the end will be the sweet innocence of the politicians themselves, who to a person have denied knowing that Mr.Abramoffís largesse came with any strings attached. Feeling betrayed and used, Congressmen and Senators from both parties have been seen sobbing in their offices or wandering the hallways of the Capitol building, looking lost, alone and betrayed.


George W. Bush Decides The Best Defense Is To Be Offensive
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

In a speech given to the Veterans of Foreign Wars in Washington DC earlier, United States President George Bush warned thatí "We will see more tough fighting and we will see more sacrifice in 2006 because the enemies of freedom continue to sow violence and destruction, and thatís just the Democrats. Oh, yeah, Iraq might have some problems too."

The President has apparently decided that in order to counter the growing number of Americans that have become critical of his handling of one the worst debacles in United States military history, the best defense is to become as offensive as possible. He warned that there is a right way and a wrong way to frame the debate about just how stupid his actions as Commander in Chief were. "There is a difference between responsible and irresponsible debate," said Mr. Bush, "and we need a debate that brings credit to our democracy, not comfort to our adversaries."

While it is difficult to imagine what would bring more comfort to the Iraqi Insurgency than having George W. Bush leading the charge against them, as his wildly successful military strategy has proved so far, apparently the President foresees and even more dire outcome to the conflict if all Americans, Democrats and an increasing number of Republicans donít just shut up and let him get on with it. "A country that divides into factions and dwells on old grievances cannot move forward and risk sliding back into tyranny," Mr. Bush warned, " and if you sons of bitches donít get back on board youíll be looking at a Democratic President standing here before you in 2008. Now, if thatís not tyranny, I donĎt now what is."

At a time when a newly released study by two of Americaís top economists predicted that the cost of the Iraqi adventure could reach two trillion dollars ($2,000,000,000,000.00) American, with no reduction in American military deaths, Mr. Bush faces significant hurdles in his quest to convince even his most ardent supporters that he has a clue. Add to this the growing allegations and revelations of Republican crimes and misdemeanors ranging from money laundering and insider trading leveled at the Republican Speaker of the House and the Senate Majority Leader respectively, to allegations of out and out treason, or at the very least obstruction of justice in the revenge outing of a covert CIA operative by Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheneyís Chief of Staff I. Lewis (Scooter) Libby and possibly even the Presidents own Chief Of Staff Karl (The Brain) Rove, as well as a host of other charges against various Aides and Republican lobbyists, Mr. Bush faces an uphill battle at best.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "I know things look pretty bleak now, but itís important to remind our base, or at least the half dozen members of our base who are left, that thing are always darkest before the dawn, and while the names may change as various leaders of the party go to prison, the Agenda stays the same."


Republicanís Tap Former President To Lead The Partyís Moral Rehabilitation
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Monday, January 16, 2006

Republican lawmakers in the Senate and House, beset by scandals in both their leadership and rank and file have been searching desperately to find a member of their party that can take the lead in reassuring the public of their integrity and commitment to ethical standards. Unfortunately for the party, there are precious few current members of Congress that can hope to fill that bill, so ranking members of the GOP have resorted to tapping a past Republican lawmaker to lead the party back into Americaís good graces.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Two years ago we never would have thought weíd be facing something like this, so we never really made any contingency plans. Of course, two years ago, we figured Baghdad would be one enormous Club Med by now and the US would be swimming in all that Iraqi oil. I mean, whatíre you gonna do?"

Continuing to be anonymous Waterhouse continued, "Be that as it may, we were really left scrambling to a Republican, any Republican, that was untainted by some scandal or another. But with DeLay indicted, Frist under investigation, Bush polling about as trustworthy as a ham sandwich and Cheney . . . well, I donít have to say anymore there, not to mention Ney, Cunningham and the rest of those bozoís we were in a real jam. So we figured weíd go back to a kindler, gentler time in the Republican party. We asked the first Bush, but he was to busy lobbying for Saudi interests with little George, we asked Nancy Reagan if sheíd contact he rotting, festering corpse of Ronnie and ask him to come back to lead the party, but apparently he hates little Georgie as much as anyone else. We didnít bother with Ike; all those industrial/military speeches gave us the heebie-jeebies . . . God knows what a whacky guy like that would do."

Now being so anonymous that even I didnít know who I was talking to, Waterhouse said, "Needless to say, even though I feel the need to say it, we were in a real pickle, a quandary, a jam, up the creek, down the tubes, in a twist, all balled up, confused, confounded, concerned and ( okay, Iíll stop . . . I was just filling up space anyway). We realized we had to reach way back to find a Republican willing to take on the enormous task of restoring Republicans faith in their party. After much soul-searching . . . and it took awhile to find our souls, believe me, we landed on Abe Lincoln."

While Mr. Lincoln, who helped start the Republican party in the 1850ís and led the country through the Civil War still enjoys a fair amount of name recognition and does well in straw polls, the choice is also problematic. While Mr. Lincoln does especially well in the traditionally Democratic northern states, for some reason there seems to be some lingering animosity towards him in the newly Republican south. Evangelical Christians question some of the assassinated presidentís comments on religion, regarding them as a bit too liberal for their tastes and the stars and bars set is completely against him. Still, Waterhouse seemed undeterred.

Finally (and thank God for that) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that no one, especially not himself knew that he was speaking said, "Allís we have to do is get past Abeís crazy free the slaves rhetoric and concentrate on the good old boy thing that he did so well and weíll be Jake."


The Reverand Pat Roberstson Condemns Prime Minister Ariel Sharon To The Fire.
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Friday, January 6, 2006

The Reverend Pat Roberstson, suspected transvestite, closet homosexual and leader of the 699 Club, has decreed that the massive stroke that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered was the result of Godís wrath. Mr. Roberstson, who is these days one member shy of Seven Hundred, labeled Mr. Sharonís hematological spanking as Godís way of saying Israel shouldnít give any land to the Palestinians. So, while he lay comatose and on a breathing ventilator fighting for his life. Ariel Sharon suddenly, if unknowingly finds himself with one more problem on his plate: Godís Divine Retribution.

While calling the Israeli Prime Minister "a very tender-hearted man and a good friend" whom he had prayed with just last year, the radical Christian Cleric went on to say that being tender hearted wonít do you a bit of good if you decide to fuck with God. The reason that Godís so ticked at Sharon, explained Roberstson, is that by giving any of the lands that the Bible has labeled as Israel to anyone but Jews will delay the Rapture. For those sane Christians and members of various other religions of the world who have no idea what Evangelicals are thinking, the Rapture is when all good little Evangelical children of God, and only the good little Evangelical children of God, will be taken en masse to Heaven in a positive orgy of spirituality to partake of the feast of heaven while the rest of us shed bitter tears of resentment and self pity. United States President George W. Bush is an Evangelical Christian.

In the Reverend Roberstsonís quirky little world, good deeds, caring and compassion, even sacrificing your very life for others is an absolutely worthless waste of time if youíre not saved, i.e.: Evangelical. While it does take the pressure off, it still hardly seems fair. Under Robertsonís way of thinking, Mother Theresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Pope John Paul II, Thomas aí Becket, Sir Thomas Moore and especially any Jew in Israel, who are the very instruments of Godís will in this matter in the first place, will suffer eternal damnation while George Bush, John Ashcroft, Jerry Falwell and Pat Roberstson will reap the rewards of Heaven. It makes it hard for this reporter at least to decide if Eternal Salvation is really worth it. The idea of spending eternity with George Bush and John Ashcroft is simply one that is too much to bear.

While one is tempted to wish PrimeMinister Sharon all the best, the hopes for his recovery seems to be pointless, given Rev. Roberstsonís decree, unless of course he might wake up long enough to be baptized into the Evangelical faith and save his Immortal Soul. This is a distinct possibility, given that his doctors warn that even if he does revive, he may have suffered massive brain damage.


Tom DeLay: The Hammer Refuses To Get Nailed
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Embattled Texas Congressman Tom DeLay, in an effort to regain his seat as House Majority Leader, has successfully petitioned a State Court of Criminal Appeals in an effort to have his money laundering trial date moved up. Citing the fact that all the bribes and fixes were able to be paid and accomplished in record time, Mr. DeLay told the all Republican Appeals Court that his original plan of getting all the charges dismissed has become superfluous. That ploy resulted in only one conspiracy charge being dismissed and has inadvertently slowed down Mr. DeLayís return to power as his trial has been delayed while prosecutor Ronnie Earle appeals that chargeís dismissal.

A spokesman for Mr. DeLay said, "Iíll admit we were a little surprised that we were able to get all our ducks in a row so fast, but Tom still has a lot of juice here in Texas. Well, juice isnít the right word, incriminating tape recordings, photoís, emails and videoís are really the right words. Nothing illegal mind you, but we all know that Texas Republicans love a good time, and Tommy has always been quite the shutter bug. But he agrees with the Appeals Court members that those photoís and things are strictly of a personal nature and should never see the light of day. Of course, if his ass gets sent to prison heíll have no way to guarantee that some cleaning lady wonít find them laying there on his desk with notes to the Feds and their respective wives."

Court watchers in Texas have speculated that Mr. DeLayís trial could begin sometime in early January and finish soon thereafter; most feel fifteen minutes to an acquittal would not be too much time see justice done. Texas Republicans, anxious to show their patriotism and commitment to the legal process have been volunteering to sit on the DeLay jury. In fact, there are plans to turn jury duty into an impromptu fundraiser, with prospective jurors bidding for a seat in the jury box. The proceeds will go to the Texans Republican Illegal Massive Perjury and Acquittal Committee (Trimpaac) defense fund.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella

Contributing Writers:
Jonathan Lowe

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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