January 2006 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 8 Issue 1
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 February 1st - 28th  January 1st - 31st  November 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

The Best of The FarceHaven Tribune 2005
Hollywood Gets on Outsourcing Bandwagon

In an effort to increase their bottoms lines, several blockbuster Hollywood production companies have joined the corporate bandwagon and have begun to outsource much of its star talent.

"Why pay for Woody Harrelson, when a suitable replacement can be found in India and Africa for about $300 a month?" Chep Bucks Stevens, up and coming Hollywood director told the FarceHaven. "Gibambi Ti Lambi of Africa will be replacing Harrelson in his role Billy Hoyle in White Men Can’t Jump 2.

Playing the role of Clark Kent/Superman in the next Superman movie will be Tom Ngyuen of Vietnam due to his profound adaptation of Peter Parker in Spiderman 3.

Taking credit for this outsourcing rush is Ryo Shun Khem, Hong Kong actor recently cast to be Steve Rogers (AKA Captain America) in the upcoming film the Captain American’s Dream.

Lobbyist for countries with growing outsource industries are seeking other ways they can help improve corporate America’s bottom line. Food Service India America is currently in negotiations with American contractors to construct an overseas mail tube system so that the work of American food service workers can be moved overseas. Restraunt goers will order at a window and the mail-tubed meal will blast across the Pacific piping hot at your favorite resteraunt.

Always quick to latch onto a good thing, the Bush White House jumped onto the outsourcing bandwagon announcing today that it will be outsourcing 545 government positions to various American employment and contract agencies.

"The jobs we are contracting out to various organizations are jobs the average American will not miss or seek to fill as a position," David Yesman, White House Spokesman told the FarceHaven.

"We are also seeking to eliminate quite a few middlemen and middle management positions that begun to intrude upon the way our goverment can, should and does actually work," Yesman added with grim.

"Effective February 13th, the US government will be laying off 435 members of the House of Representatives, 100 Senate members and the 9 Justices of the Supreme Court. Decisions and actions taken by these former government employees will be auctioned off to the highest bidder. This will allow the government to save billions in terms of the salaries we pay these government officials while allowing corporations the same legistlative freedoms they've always enjoyed under our Republican system of goverment."


Escape From Alcatraz
By
Mari Plante -- Staff Writer

Yesterday morning around 6am inmate Darrel "Chunk" Chunderson escaped from prison. After flashing a group of sextaganarian women visiting the prison on a Botanical Society field trip, Chunk stole the Botanical Society boat and sped off into the sunrise. A group of confused gaurds had to be pulled away from their beach volleyball tournament to chase after the wanted fugitive. Chunk, having a head start was able to reach the mainland and escape into the crowds at Fisherman's Wharf. A 3 day manhunt ensued in which Chunk maimed 62 IRS officials, 24 HMO providers and 5 tobacco industry lawyers. When the police finally caught up to Chunk he was found sitting in his mom's house watching Jerry Springer reruns, which he told police he had been doing in between the maimings ever since he escaped.

When asked about the eventual capture of the suspect Police chief Dom Ahsse was quoted as saying:

"It never occured to us to check his mama's house. I mean we called her and she told us she hadn't seen her precious son in months. Then she told us not to come to her house because it was being tented for fumigation. I can't believe she lied to us! You won't believe the surprise we had when we drove by her house on the way to Starbucks and saw that it wasn't tented. It was only by sheer luck that Chunk happened to answer the door when we stopped in to ask Mrs. Chunderson if she wanted a caramel machiatto. I guess it's a good think we caught up to Chunk when we did. Can you imagine what could have happened had he been out on the streets longer? I'm just glad we were able to get to Chunk before he could do any real damage. It's nice being able to capture a convicted escape felon without incident for once."

When asked by this puzzled reporter how the maiming of 91 various IRS officials, HMO providers and tobacco lawyers could be called "without incident" the Chief had this to say:

"c'mon now, who did Chunk really hurt by maiming those people? It's not like he hurt the Pope or Britney Spears for crying out loud!"


Marylyn Manson To Marry Poodle, VH1 To Make Reality Show

Marilyn Manson fans will be pleased to hear that VH1 will be hosting a new reality show starring the number one heavy metal male shock diva himself, Marilyn Manson. But, as is typical with VH1, this new reality show will be sporting a new twist on your typical reality show fare.

"I marry a poodle," Marylyn Manson told cameras with a strange grin. "The show chronicles all aspects of our relationship, from the initial meeting at the pet shop, to the first time Fluffy went on the carpet and our first S & M newspaper spanking. It's a ground breaking show really. At the wedding, Fluffy's going to wear fake breasts."

Fluffy's fake breasts made headline in the video for "Eat Your Fleas" off the recently release Puppy Pound Protocols album in November 2004.

The dog has since appeared in numerous music videos, pairing up with an eclectic mix of acts as Britney Spears, Limp Bizkit and ZZ-Top. She is scheduled to tour with Amy Lee of Evanescence next Tuesday. Rumors abound that Fluffy and Lee will collaborate soon on a new album sans Evanescence though Lee's publicist denies that Amy Lee is at all related to Tommy Lee of Motley Crue. Lee (Tommy Lee's) publicist has yet to deny or confirm the Motley Crue drummer's relationship to the poodle.


CSI Popularity Aides in Clearing Forensic Backlog
By
Ivan Avetissian -- Staff Writer

CAIRO, Egypt (Random News Wire) -- The results of a CT scan done on King Tut's mummy indicate the boy king wasnot murdered, but may have suffered a badly broken leg shortly before his death at age 19 -- a wound that could have become infected,

CBS’s runaway smash hit "CSI" has brought much needed popularity and recruiting potential for forensic labs in the US and throughout the rest of the world.

"We haven’t gotten this much press since Quincy," said Ali bin Qhutem-Up, President of the Middle Eastern Forensic Scientists Association. "With so much new talent coming in, we are able to clear up a lot of old cases."

There is no doubt that the successful franchise (CSI, CSI: New York and CSI: Miami) has brought a sexiness and vibrancy to what was once considered a "dead" profession. Young medical and criminology students, bored with traditional pursuits and the fading appeal of more conventional crime and hospital dramas, are flocking to this field in the hopes of scoring a sexy colleague such as CSI's Sara Sidle, played by Jorja Fox.

"No doubt dude!" said Milton Diomosthenes, a second year student at the prestigious Scranton Institute of TV Criminology and Medicine. "Why would I go into regular police work and end up with Andy Sipowicz as a partner? That dude is archaic."

A veritable army of new recruits has allowed some of the oldest labs in the world, especially those in countries with long histories of violent death, to close out lingering cases and move on to more recent deaths.

"We are looking forward to closing out a lot of open files." Qhutem-Up stated in a recent interview. "We have only a few remaining cases from the 4th century BC and hope to soon begin working files starting around the 1st century AD. We would especially like to rule out suicide in the death of Jesus Christ so that outstanding insurance claims may be settled."


Brad and Jen Separate Conjoined Twins

Things were not going well at John Hopkins University where scientists and doctors battled desperately to save the lives of conjoined twin boys Mathew and Drew Buttspew.

Four hours into the operation, Matthew Buttspew began to fall into a deep fever.

"We didn't know what to do," Doctor James T Bridgewater recounted. "Little Matthew was sweating like a pig and little Drew didn't look too good either. The twins' heart rates were erratic. Nurse Salaminder was having hot flashes and I needed a drink -- vodka preferably. Things were pretty desperate.

"Then, when things start to get really bad -- we hear this bugle call sound from outside the window, so I think -- What the fuck? We're on the tenth story. I look outside and there are Brad and Jen dressed like pygmies riding the back of this bizarre pink and sky blue flying bionic zebracorn.

"Brad jumps off the zebracorn and almost falls ten stories to the ground. Luckily, his foot got caught in the stirrup and he fell flat onto the window ledge. He gets up in a daze and kind of stumbles around for a second. And then he fell. Backwards. Right through the window. Glass went everywhere.

"Then in walks Jen, nail clippers in hand. She walks over to the twins and clips the pinky nail that had held those twins together for all these years. The twins were free!"

It's been several months since twins Matthew and Drew were separated. Matthew has taken up the nose flute, and Drew paints with his teeth.

Someday, Matthew hopes to meet a nice girl and someday Drew hopes to be a nice girl. Whether or not Brad and Jen will show up for that particular operation remains to be seen.


Easter Bunny Starts Brawl in Irish Pub
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Easter Bunnies from EB Local Union 486 were arrested last Tuesday when Union president Coney Baloney faced off against St Patrick's Day Leprachan Shamus Grady O'Patrick. Baloney reportedly first threw O'Patrick over the bar and then proceeded to kick the Leprechan in his Lucky Charms. Other members of the infamous Easter Bunny's Union soon joined in the mayhem.

Police report that O'Patrick was the one who provoked the argumement.

"The bartender tells me the Leprachan walks up to our primary perp and asks him why the bunnies are encrouching on his March holiday, after all, the bunnies have always had April. 'Easter's the rabbit's time,' the little guy told him, 'March has always been the land o' the little people.'

Six other Leprechans were injured during the brawl.

The FarceHaven was granted a interview with Leprechan O'Patrick later that afternoon and O'Patrick told the FarceHaven, "There was nothing me and me boys could have done in that situation. There were only six of us and we all know that Easter Bunnies multiply like rabbits. I'd a sworn one of them was just sitting there in the corner birthing new assailants even as I lay there getting kicked in me pot of gold."

The FarceHaven tried to contact a representative of the EB Local Union 486 but were denied an interview on the grounds that we're sympathetic to the plight of Leprechans.


Riots at Indian Cow Eating Contest
By
Dave O'Karma -- Contributing Author

Violent protest and rioting may have rocked the dinner table, but it wasn't enough to dampen the appetites of some of the world's top competitive eaters as they converged on Varanasi, India, for the first "World Cow Eating Championship."

"A cow eating contest in India may seem slightly insensitive, but it really shows that India is progressing past the ancient cultural restrictions of caste and religion, and positioning itself as a true cosmopolitan player in the new global environment." were the words of master of ceremonies, George Shea, president of the International Federation of Competitive Eating, a PR stable of competitive eaters, hired by http://www.quickbucks/, an offshore Internet gambling casino to host and sanction the event.

Tensions were already building as Indian native, Hanji Hannuranijab, chomped down 7 1/2 pounds of ground chuck to defeat such noted American eaters, Eric "Badlands" Booker, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, and Jason "Crazy Legs" Conti.

"I did it to dishonor the spirit of my late brother-in-law, Addi Shankaracharya, who died owing me a week's wages... and for the big prize money." explained Hannuranijab, when asked how he could participate in such a taboo atmosphere.

The grand prize of $250 dollars more than tripled the yearly salary Hannuranijab earns as a computer tech for computer internet giant, AOL.

"I don't understand this riot. I think the best way to honor something, is to eat it." were the words of Coondog O'Karma, an American contestant from Ohio, when asked why he would participate in such an inflammatory event. "I mean ancient warriors ate the hearts of their enemies to show respect or somethin, didn't they?" O'Karma continued. "Plus, I really like hamburgers!"

"A lot of people are complaining..." Shea admitted, as local Indian riot police tried to control the angry, turbanned crowd with powerful jet blasts from high pressure water hoses . "But, competitive eating is the fastest growing sport in the world in the 21st century and in the end... will be a a very good thing for the future citizens of the wonderful country of India."


Letters to the Editor:
By
Ivan Avetissian -- Staff Writer

Dear FarceHaven,

I am so sick of all the spam that I keep getting in my email. I swear, if I bought everything that came through my email box I would have millions of dollars, be stiff as a board 24 hours a day and be more endowed than 5 manatees combined. Help me! I need to come up with a response letter to send all these spammers so that I can finally get back out of the house!

-The Man with too much Spam

Poughkipsie, PA

Dear Spam Man,

Are you in luck! One of our staff writers just happened to grant your wish for you. Take a look at what Ivan Avetissian has to say about the situation...

Dear Rude sender of unsolicited bogus security warning:

Please be advised that if you continue to send me these notices I will have no choice but to use my position as a staff writer on The Cynic to lampoon, shame and otherwise ridicule your organization in the pages of the Cynic (all well within legal and ethical bounds). Trust me, I'm good at it. You don't want to find out how good.

I am not now, I have never been, nor will your unprofessional emails trick me into being, a customer of your institution.

However I will offer you this free bit of advice as a full time professional in the field of marketing. Whatever your market, regardless of your target demographic, using the same approach as firms who solicit people with email title like "Email Security Notice" and when you open the message you read "Increase Your Penis by 6 Inches" is NOT A GOOD APPROACH. Unless of course you INTENDED to take the low road to success. In that case it is perfect.

Best of luck and LEAVE ME ALONE

[Insert Your Name Here]


Bush: Either You’re With Us or You’re With the Tsunamis
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

Amid concerns that the United States might not be doing its part in disaster relief efforts after the tsunami in southeast Asia, President Bush called a press conference to announce his new zero-tolerance policy for natural disasters. "Make no mistake," Bush announced. "Either you’re with us or you’re with the tsunamis."

Mr. Bush then described a plan to seek out the place where the tsunami originated and to dispatch a force of Navy Seals, who would, if necessary, engage with actual seals in hand-to-flipper combat.

When asked whether this pre-emptive approach to natural disasters might include a serious environmental policy or efforts to curtail global warming, Bush answered, "I told you before, appeasement just doesn’t work. You can’t just coddle these tsunamis and hope they won’t bother you again."

British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who has stood at Mr. Bush’s side for some of his least embarrassing public appearances, was not in attendance at this conference, which may strain British-American relations in the future. Sources close to President Bush reveal that Mr. Bush has called for an investigation into Mr. Blair’s possible involvement in the tsunami, after discovering that Great Britain, according to some accounts, rules the waves.


Pope Pissed - Excommunicates Everyone
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

George W. Bush’s White House backed down from demands that the UN include an anti abortion initiative at their conference on Women’s Rights. Originally held in Beijing, China in 1995, this years meeting was a ten-year anniversary to determine what, if any, progress has been made over the last decade. The Bush Administration, apparently confused as to the purpose of the conference, had sought a resolution limiting the rights of women to obtain abortion; unfortunately for President Bush the 130 attending countries and 6,000 delegates instead passed a resolution calling the United States a brainless bunch of boobs led by a Fundamentalist idiot. President Bush, always finely attuned to the nuances of international diplomacy, was forced to back off his proposal.

However, the worlds gain is the Mr. Bush’s and the Vatican’s loss. Pope John Paul II, incensed that the American president couldn’t keep the rest of the planet in line after George Bush promised him he could in order to gain support in the last election, first excommunicated Mr. Bush. Matters might have rested there, except that someone mentioned to God’s Voice on Earth that Bush wasn’t Catholic so an excommunication may not have its desired effect. Growing steadily angrier the Pope then excommunicated all of the United States; this move had the added benefit of ridding the Papacy of seemingly hundreds of child molesters in its employ. Unfortunately, someone also pointed out that it was the rest of the world that stopped Mr. Bush, hence the planet wide excommunication.

The Papal decree has had an unintended effect. Apparently John Paul in his advancing senility had forgotten that if everyone was excommunicated, then there would be no Catholic Church. Unnamed Papal Source Cardinal Giovanni (Grossolano) Diluviarecasa, speaking on the condition of the privacy of the confessional said, "While we’re still trying to figure out what to do with all those communion hosts and sacred wine, we are looking forward to selling off the Church’s assets worldwide. I’ve always thought we should sell off the religious artwork and church properties and get more involved in aerospace and defense investments. That and crude oil futures, that’s the way to make some serious cash."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "I’ll admit we were a bit surprised that Pope John Paul just up and shut down the entire Catholic Church, but hey, the guys Gods Voice blah, blah ,blah, so I guess he can do it. At least we don’t have to keep pretending we actually like Catholics; you gotta remember, we in the Administration are Fundamentalists who believe that Catholics, Jews, Muslims and anyone who ain’t us are just gonna burn in the Fire after the Rapture. It was kinda hard pretending that we actually cared about the Heathen Freaks."


Cartoon Characters "Come Out" In Support of SpongeBob Video
By
Ivan Avetissian -- Staff Writer

NEW YORK (FHP) -- A children's music video that conservatives charge is part of an effort to encourage acceptance of homosexuality is being distributed to more than 60,000 schools nationwide, producers said Thursday. The video features about 100 children's TV characters including SpongeBob SquarePants, Miss Piggy and Oscar the Grouch singing the 1979 disco hit "We Are Family." It will be accompanied by a teaching guide that promotes tolerance of diversity. "On the surface, the project may appear to be a worthwhile attempt to foster greater understanding of cultural differences," wrote Ed Vitagliano. "However, a short step beneath the surface reveals that one of the differences being celebrated is homosexuality."

"We’re here, we’re queer, we’re animated." The chant reverberated around the packed Nu-Art theater in Los Angeles as gay, lesbian and supportive heterosexual cartoon characters gathered to show support for the producers and stars of the "We Are Family" video.

"We must stand up and be counted," announced rally organizer Wayland Smithers, the openly gay cast member of Fox’s long-time hit series "The Simpsons". "The days of discrimination against animated gay and lesbian characters are a thing of the past. Bert, Ernie, Marcie, Ren: they all had the courage to come out after so many years in the closet. We must not allow SpongeBob Squarepants and Patrick Star to be shoved back into that same closet."

The varied dais of flamboyant and highly-animated speakers included: Ren Hoëk, co-star of "Ren & Stimpy", TinkyWinky from the Teletubbies, Bert & Ernie from Sesame Street, Xandir from Comedy Central’s "Drawn Together", Marcie and Peppermint Patty from "Charley Brown", a large contingent from South Park that included Big Gay Al, Mr. Garrison and Pip, Janine Garrafalo, Rosie O’Donnel, Ellen Degeneres and the entire cast of "Queer Eye".


Bush Appointees Blast Gays, Bunnies
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

Newly confirmed U.S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings called a press conference to complain about an episode of the children’s TV show Postcards from Buster in which an anthropomorphic rabbit taps maple trees with a child who is being raised by two women in Vermont. "Many parents would not want their children exposed to the lifestyles portrayed in this episode," Spellings announced.

In an effort to further reduce exposure, Ms. Spellings has demanded that PBS return the grant money used in making the episode, and she has produced a press release saying "Ignore them, they’re just trying to get attention." In case this is not enough, she is also preparing to distribute leaflets to grade schools about how some people have to flaunt their lifestyle, and is considering a lawsuit to further reduce exposure.

Seeking to find out what Secretary Spellings finds objectionable about the lifestyles of rural New Englanders, our reported caught up with her on the roof of Washington Public School 69, where she was standing with a megaphone and enumerating the depravities from which our children should be protected.

"Excuse me, Secretary Spellings," our reporter asked, "What is it you find objectionable about tapping maple trees? Isn’t it natural for children to want to know where syrup comes from?"

Secretary Spellings set down the megaphone and explained that it was not the sugaring but the homosexuality that she found objectionable.

"So," said our reporter, whose local station had not aired the episode because of Ms. Spellings’ earlier complaints, "they actually depict erotic acts on the screen? I can see why that would have you upset. . ."

"Well, no," said Secretary Spellings.

"A passionate kiss?" our reporter asked.

Secretary Spellings shook her head.

"So if I understand this correctly," said our reporter, "you are concerned that young viewers might be exposed to a situation from which they might be able to infer a relationship of a sort they’ve never heard of."

"It isn’t natural," said Secretary Spellings.

"Anthropomorphic rabbits?" asked our reporter.

"Two women living together like that," answered the Secretary.

"So two women sharing a house is less natural than an anthropomorphic rabbit?" asked our reporter, now thoroughly confused. Ms. Spellings then pushed our reporter off the roof and picked up the megaphone again.

It should be noted that not all recent Bush appointees share Ms. Spellings’ tolerance toward anthropomorphic rabbits. "Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes," explains Anya Jenkins of the newly formed Department of Vengeance. "They’ve got those hoppy legs and twitchy little noses. And what’s with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for, anyway?"

"Perhaps for spotting the crazy people," grumbled our reporter from her hospital bed, where she is recuperating from three fractured ribs and a shattered eardrum.

Senator Jesse Helms and former Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr lauded Secretary Spellings for her stand. "God knows how many more people would have been exposed to this filth," Helms said, "If this brave woman hadn’t brought it to national attention." Mr. Starr has completed an investigation into the sex lives of the lesbian couple on the show, and hopes to air his findings on Sesame Street, for the protection of America's children.


Girl Scouts Arrested For Leg-Breaking Tactics

Five Girl Scouts were arrested Friday for Leg Breaking money collection tactics. The Cascading Falls, Rhode Island Police Department has indicated its suspicion that this new wave of Girl Scout violence is part of a new Girl Scouts campaign to collect dead beat cookie money.

"The girls put a lot of work and effort into thier cookie sales," Georgine Sandre Fae of Jericho's Landing Arkansas told the FarceHaven. "It's just absolutely heartbreaking when these deadbeats refuse to pay up. We ask once, we ask twice, we ask three times. Then we send in the enforcers. It's not personal. It's just business."

Trent Stovetopper, the latest victim of this new Girl Scout cookie money collection tactic told the FarceHaven, "It's the scariest thing you'll ever see. These little four-foot tall bitches with commando berets, kevlar vests and black face paint show up to your house with crow bars and hockey sticks. When, I tried to tell them they had the wrong house, one of them called me a 'douche bag' and whacked me in the knees with a crow bar. I'll never play doctor again."

Cascading Falls Police Chief Yanni Yinklemuffin has created a new task force in order to combat this increase in Girl Scout collection activity. Lead by high profile crime buster Kenneth star, this new group known around town as the 'Unintelligibles' have already taken several Scouts into custody and have indicated warrants will be issued for other arrests within the week.


Cop Purchases Meth Laced Hamburger From Missouri McDonald's

In December 2004 a Desloge, Missouri police officer allegedly and unknowingly purchased a meth laced hamburger from a local area McDonald's restraunt. While meth-laced hamburgers are not standard fare at McDonald's restraunts, the discovery of this new cullinery delight has chefs across the country seeking out new variants on a favorite American classic. Speculation runs rampant as to what great hamburger flavors will come out next.

"One combination my customers enjoy," Drake Backmonkey, area drug dealer, chef and restraunt owner told the FarceHaven, "is the M-BLT, which is basically a marijuana, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwhich. We had to take out the meat. Too many people thought they were missing pets while eating and well, you know--things got too ugly from there."

"Another treat that is currently in development," Drake adds while sampling a burger in progress, "is the McGiggle. It's a kind of breakfast sandwhich, like the McGriddle, only instead of syrup-filled panckages serving as buns, we use brownies filled with Mary Jane. Who would of thought ham on two brownie buns could be such a wonderfully delightfully sweet treat to eat."

While only time and the DEA can tell whether endeavors such as Drake's will have a signifigant impact on the fast food industry, most consumers could give a shit as they eat thier burgers, thier fries and partkate of a little coke.


Screamconk Corporation Develops New Intellectual Property Protection Device
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Screamconk Corporation revealed Tuesdays its intention to begin manufacturing one of the world's first pieces of commercially available, industrial grade cybernetic implants, the "Forget-Me-Lot."

"The role of the Forget-Me-Lot," Screamconk Corporation President Jack Memomamo told the FarceHaven, "is to protect the intellectual property of American companies from in-house espionage by allowing corporations to leave the daily thoughts and memories of employees stored within the walls of the office. If you can't leave the office with information, you can't transmit it to others after all."

Memomamo explains, "The implant is really a two part device. The first part of the device is a cap of genetically cultured stem cells that is grafted underneath an employee's skull and contains a port of the second part of the device, a USB memory stick. The memory stick plugs ino the top of an employee's skull and is plugged in daily as employees come in to work. It is left behind when employees go home for the night.

"The cap or 'shrinking thinking cap' as we like to call it, has specially crafted cells grown from the stem cells of lab rats that, when the memory stick is inserted, intercepts the electrical impluses associated with short term memory and translates them into binary data that is stored on the memory stick. Since the short term memory is stored on the memory stick and not in the electrical pathways of the human mind, it can not be committed to the employee's long term memory. This means that when the employee leaves for the day, leaving the memory stick behind, the employee leaves the thoughts and memories of his or her workday behind. This has the advantages of allowing employees to leave thier stresses behind as well.

"There have been some unfortunate side effects, however."

When asked to explain, Memomano reveals, "Well, there is a blossoming couple in our accounting department -- a beautiful romance in the making. Problem is once they leave work, they don't remember flirting or asking each other out. one time one of my employees tells me 'Take this job an shove it!' It's kind of funny watching him come into work everyday, plug in the chip and remember he'd quit only the day before. On the brighter side, almost no one ever leaves the company. They don't remember why thier job sucks when they take out the implant and therefore never search for jobs when they leave the office."

Corporations around the globe have already begun vast incentive programs in order to get thier employees to take advantage of this new technology.


World's Longest Weiner
By
Dave O'Karma -- Contributing Author

It's official. Chris Bond of Columbus, Ohio has the world's longest weiner.

That's right, Bond, owner operator of T-Doubles Coney Island Hotdog Restaurant was officially awarded Guinness world record status when he put together a 50- foot hotdog complete with bun and mustard. The hotdog was displayed in front of the restaurant taking up space on 7 eight-foot tables and contained in 52-foot piece of aluminum house gutter.

"You'd need a semi-tractor trailer to pull up to the drive-in window if ordering one of these bad boys to go." were the words of champion AICE eater, Coondog O'Karma, on hand for the unveiling.

"Bigger is better at T-Doubles today." were the words of Columbus resident, Dan Schlegel, when asked about the record setting weiner.

"It's all about fun." Chris Bond relpied, when asked why he would want such an unusually long weiner.

It sure was. World record fun!


US Creates New Nuclear Weapons Opt Out List
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

In an effort to curb an increasingly global perception that the United States is becoming an increasingly imperialistic and war mongering state, the US State Department in a joint effort with the Pentagon has announced a new opt out of nuclear annihilation opt out list. This list, a joint effort between Secretary Donald Rumsfield, Condeleeza Rice and President George Bush will, according to a White House press statement " move to correct the growing pessimism of the countries of this great world in such a way that they will no longer fear and mistrust the clearly defined and transparent motivations and sensibilities of the government herein in question."

According to the same White House spokesmen, "The usage of the website is quite simple. Countries not wishing to experience the gourmet delight of nuclear destruction have 48 hours to navigate to our website www.pleasedontnukeme.gov and fill out our easy to understand form. Users will be asked to create an account using their email address and by specifying a password. Once logged in, users can either choose to accept nuclear annihilation or not to. Users of course will have to specify a primary contact person and the country that does not wish to be nuked. We just don't want any one person to go willy nilly opting out or in to nuclear annihilation."

"Once in, and the user has applied, he or she can then read the opt-out agreement and choose 'I agree not to be nuked' or 'Give it your best shot you capitalist sons a bitches.'"

"Our standard agreement reads: By choosing 'I agree not to be nuked', I hereby sentence my country to the whims and wiles of the United States government and hereby renege on my responsibility to my people to provide them the safety of mutually assured destruction. I understand that by backing down, I am bending over and baring the collective asses of all my citizens and allowing the US to point a nuclear-bomb tipped enema their way. Furthermore, I understand that should the US consider using nuclear or other weapons of mass destruction on my sovereign state, I will not have anything in my conventional arsenal to give the US an opportunity to think twice about such a strike."

While opponents to this new opt out website have been very vocal, www.pleasedontnukeme.gov has recorded an earth shattering 56 trillion hits since going live August 12th, 2005.


Waterhouse Sunk
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In a surprise move, Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse has been subpoenaed by the Grand Jury investigating the case involving the public naming of ex CIA agent Valerie Plame. The outing of the CIA covert operative to Conservative columnist Robert Novak who, apparently not caring that he was aiding in the commitment of a Federal Offence, dutifully reported it to the world, has rocked the Administration of George W. Bush to it’s core. The outing was allegedly done by Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney’s Chief of Staff Lewis (Scooter) Libby an President George W. (Dubya) Bush’s Assistant Chief of Staff Karl Rove in retaliation for Plame’s husband, former Ambassador Joseph ( no nickname known, so let’s call him Joey) Wilson’s allegations that the Bush Administration knew that they evidence they presented to the world as justification for attacking Iraq was false. Allegations that Waterhouse has been leaking all over the place to Unconfirmed Sources reporter Chuck Terzella, have caused the Special Prosecutor in the case to zero in on him.

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has been said to be extremely interested in the Waterhouse testimony, as up to this point in the investigation he had no idea that Waterhouse, who seems to have information that no one else does, even existed, which of course, he does not.

Speaking to this reporter for the first time on record, Mr. Waterhouse was quoted as saying, "This is all your fault! How the hell can they do this to me? I’m a fictional fucking character in your stupid stories for God’s sake! I don’t even have a body! How am I gonna get to the court house? And when I don’t show up, since I can’t show up, what’re they gonna do? Issue a bench warrant? Oh, God, I’m screwed! You gotta fix this!"

In addition to Mr. Waterhouse’s troubles with the Grand Jury, White House officials have also begun investigating him in an effort to determine why they have been issuing regular paychecks to an imaginary character for four and a half years. They also want to know who has been using Mr. Waterhouse’s health coverage to the tune of $235,672.98 for a variety of medical procedures ranging from a nose job to repair a deviated septum, acne treatments, liposuction, acupuncture, therapeutic massage and chiropractic services, laser vision eye care and hair replacement as well as extensive cosmetic dental work. Mr. Waterhouse may face criminal charges in this matter as well. Waterhouse’s creator, Chuck Terzella, who’s been looking pretty good these days since, among other things, he got rid of his glasses and had his teeth done, has refused to comment publicly on the growing scandal.


On Surprise Visit To Iraq, Donald Rumsfeld Kidnapped By Insurgents, Immediately Given Back
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad to urge the leaders of the fledgling Iraqi Government to refrain from developing closer ties to it’s neighbors Syria and Iran. Unfortunately for all involved, the voluble and volatile Defense Secretary was kidnapped by insurgents as he traveled Baghdad’s notorious Airport Road less that one hour after he arrived in that benighted and war-torn country. Much to everyone’s surprise however, less than hour after that, he was released unharmed.

Initially, military officials were at a loss to determine why so valuable a strategic bargaining tool was given up by insurgents, but soon the answer became apparent. In a video-taped message delivered to a military check point the Union of Thugs, Losers, Assassins and Dead Enders explained, "Allah be Praised, but that guy nearly drove us crazy. He just talked and talked and we couldn’t figure out what in the hell he was saying. We told him we would behead him if the United States did not leave Iraq and he said, ‘Learn to say I don’t know. If used when appropriate, it will be often. If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much. Cluster bombs being used on frontline al Qaeda and Taliban troops to try to kill them is why we’re using them, to be perfectly blunt.’"

"The taped explanation continued, "The guy went on like that for twenty five minutes, non stop; man, we all got such a headache. Two of our people went right out and blew themselves up rather than listen anymore. We had planned on putting him in one of those kidnap videos, but we realized there just wasn’t enough video tape in Iraq once this idiot got started. It really just wasn’t worth it. We’re going back to kidnapping truck drivers and such."

Defense officials were at first ecstatic about Rumsfeld’s unexpected return, but once the true reason for it emerged, there was considerable chagrin. One unnamed military commander said, "Actually, we know exactly what the terrorists are talking about. The guys been driving us insane since this stupid war started. I’ve volunteered for suicide missions twice rather than sit through one of his briefings. We’ve been in contact with the insurgents, trying to get them to take him back but no dice. Damn."


Homeland Security To Terrorists: Bomb Trucks And Trains, Not Planes
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff issued a statement advising Terrorists to shy away from any airline based attacks and concentrate instead on more vulnerable transportation infrastructure such as railroads, busses and over the road tractor trailers.

Explaining that the Homeland Security Department isn’t in the business of protecting Americans from anything already on the ground, Mr. Chertoff said that after extensive reviews he believes that it was important to alert any Terrorists to where exactly the major failings in the nations security systems lay, in order that they may avoid arrest and failure.

In an interview from his office in the Karl Rove Research Center for Treasonous Leaks and Stupid Statements, Mr. Chertoff explained that while he’s at least twenty percent sure that airport security personnel might possibly on a really good day catch a match or finger nail clipper wielding Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender, it would be better for all concerned if those same Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s would avoid commercial airlines altogether. However, Mr. Chertoff did assure the Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s that cargo carriers were still fair game.

Unnamed Homeland Security Source Willard (Leaky) Waterman, speaking on the condition that Karl Rove didn’t already tell every reporter on the planet what he was about to say, said, "The Administration is facing a real problem here and unfortunately, the only people who can help us are the Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s themselves. You see, if an airliner gets hit again then it will be obvious that George W. Bush has failed to keep America safe from Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s. Yet, with the Presidents poll numbers rapidly dropping to his IQ level, George Bush also knows that the only thing that can save him is another Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender attack to galvanize the public behind him, so we’re trying to help the Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s in any way we can, short of actually supplying them with the explosives an timers."

Local city and state security forces, absolutely delighted by Mr. Chertoff’s publicly cutting them loose, have responded by taking extra Valium and getting their affairs in order. This article needs ten more words to reach the Three hundred and fifty word minimum. Made it.


Fashion Industry Rushes to Kate Moss's Defense
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Superstar model Kate Moss, who has run afoul of the various fashion and fragrance companies she represents due to her alleged cocaine use, is already staging a comeback of sorts. Despite being dropped as spokesperson by H&M and Chanel Ms. Moss is already bouncing back with other companies, governments and institutions offering her endorsement deals.

The Government of Columbia, the worlds leading exporter of cocaine has named Ms. Moss Special Ambassador; a promotional world tour is already being planned, with sponsorship monies to be paid by various Drug Cartels. Columbia has been concerned with the lessening of cocaine use amongst the worlds population and the hope is that Ms. Moss, as a high profile model can bring about a return to the popularity that the drug enjoyed in the eighties and nineties before it was eclipsed by the club drug Ecstasy.

In addition, the government of Afghanistan is offering Ms. Moss the post of Cultural Attaché, explaining that while there is no evidence that Ms. Moss ever indulged in their biggest export, heroin, drugs are drugs and besides, Afghan President Hamid Karzai has always had a real weakness for blond infidel chicks so this may be a good way for him to cop a date.

Other companies that are interested in procuring Ms. Moss’s services are the Star Razor Blade company, Blingo Drinking Straws and United States Pocket Mirror Council.

While those in the modeling world are shocked and dismayed to find out that one of their own used cocaine, all expressed hope that one day Ms. Moss will be able to re-enter the relentlessly clean and sober world of High Fashion. Known for their deeply held religious beliefs, spirituality and clean living, as well as a complete lack of hypocrisy, members of the modeling world and it’s related cosmetics, hair care and photographic industries have banded together to organize prayer vigils and interventions for Ms. Moss. It is well known in those industries what the stress of being beautiful, incredibly wealthy and world famous can do to their simple lifestyles, so there is great sympathy for Ms. Moss, as evidenced by the various companies who dumped her like a piece of stinking excrement.


The Dead Support Bush
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

United States President George W. Bush visited the Storm ravaged Gulf Coast once again this week and for the first time since Hurricane Katrina struck there is evidence that the President’s repeated trips there are doing some good for his image. Surprisingly, some of those who were killed in the storm and it’s aftermath have begun to rise from the dead, apparently satisfied that Mr. Bush really does care and willing to continue their previous support for him and policies.

One victim, who died on day three of the post-Katrina flooding in New Orleans, killed by a looter for a gallon of water he held and whose name is being withheld pending notification of next of kin of his coming back to life said, "I know that some of my last words were cursing the people who left me here to die of thirst in the heat and filth, but I truly believe that George Bush now really understands the problems we impoverished Blacks face, both before and after death, and I felt it was important for me to come back from the dead and give him my support."

Another victim, who died of thirst and heat stroke on day four echoed the previous sentiment adding, "Not only is it worth coming back from death now that President Bush finally cares, it’s my understanding that this new Gulf Coast Economic Zone will be better than Heaven anyway, so what’s the point of staying dead?"

These sentiments were echoed in makeshift morgues all over the Gulf Coast Region, as hundreds of body bags began to rip open and disgorge those who had lost their lives in the post storm abandonment, their resurrections in support of Mr. Bush proving to the White House that the President might be able to get ahead of the criticism he faced while New Orleans Drowned and he did nothing.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "I gotta admit, we were worried there for a week or two, but deep down inside we were sure that our efforts to gloss over our fatal mistakes by promising to throw cash at the survivors while at the same time ruling out a tax hike for the unaffected would bring everybody back in line. The big problem wasn’t the Immersed and Impoverished in New Orleans; after all, even if they ever did vote they’d probably go Democrat. Instead, we realized that a great many of the Washed Away in the outlying Parishes of Louisiana as well as the Drenched Dead in Alabama and the Soggy Survivors in Mississippi were a part of our Christian Base and we sure didn’t want to piss them off with the Congressional elections coming next November. By that time, George Bush plans to have not only drowned them in Katrina’s floodwaters but also buried them under a pile of cash as well. Nothing will help bring out the vote like our new "Bucks For The Base" initiative."

Oddly, while the dead of the Gulf Coast seem to have forgiven Mr. Bush and returned to the living, some of the survivors are still upset with the President, one saying that what she once thought was a cute grin actually was the self satisfied smirk of a man who just doesn’t give a shit.


Religious Fanatics Foiled in Hollywood Bust
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Across the street from the Beverly Hills Church of Scientology, a SWAT team today burst in on a gathering of the INNER CIRCLE, a secret and selective group of former actors, American Idol singers, Top Model models, and reality show hosts who have sworn allegiance to the cell's God. Under interrogation, actress Calista Flockhart shared her group's goals. "We intend to rid the world of anyone not on the hot list. If you can't afford Fendi and Gucci, and people don't know who you are, you're not really alive anyway, and therefore you shouldn't be polluting a beautiful planet which we, in fact, own. Am I right?" Sixteen canisters of Serin gas were found on the premises, along with assorted land mines, rocket launchers, Cruise missiles, and crates of poisoned Poison perfume. In addition, it was learned that God's bodyguard--Kevin Costner--had been promised a return to the A list from the dreaded B list once he completed his mission in Wichita against "those who are not even on the Z list." When it was suggested that God herself was now on the C list, Costner first seemed stunned by the blasphemy, then whispered, "Hey, maybe there's a place for me and Harrison in the Trinity, after all?" Raising his voice, then, Costner added, "Ally be praised!"


Star Wars to be Filmed Again
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Because the prequels look so much better than the original film which spawned them, fans have been demanding that Harrison Ford reshoot the original film of the series. So STAR WARS is going into re-production, and the remake will no doubt result in a re-filming of the sequels too... and then possibly the prequels once again. And on and on. "There's really no end to it," George Lucas commented by satellite phone from Sri Lanka, his most recent real estate purchase. "Call it my gift to the ages." When asked who Harrison may be teamed with as a love interest, Lucas suggested Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera. "Did I mention," George added, "that the remake will be a musical?"


Nobel Prizes for Acting and Singing Announced
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

In a move which may upstage both the Oscars and Grammys next year, the Nobel Prize committee this week announced two new categories of awards in acting and musical performance. These awards will replace the annual awards given in Economics and Physics, according to Hines Hanson, Nobel committee chairperson. "We're number one," Hanson told a roaring crowd attending a monster truck rally in Stockholm. Projections for soft drink sponsor revenue alone for the first awards extravaganza, to be hosted by Uma Thurmann and Sir Elton John, already exceed the GNP of many Latin American countries. "If there is continued demand for it," Hanson declared, "maybe next year we'll drop the Literature prize too, and replace it with Screenwriting or Fashion."

Nominated for the first Nobels are all the usual faces, plus Lil' Kim, Bjork, and Pamela Anderson. In an ironic twist, the final Nobel Prize for Genetics is going to Dr. Carson Swalensky for his pioneering work in cloning Hollywood mega stars. And yes, you will be able to try this at home soon.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
Ivan Avetissian
John Plante
Mari Plante

Contributing Writers:
Dave O'Karma
David Sklar
Jonathan Lowe

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself