November 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 11
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 January 1st - 31st  November 1st - 14th  October 15th - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

White House Admits Hillary Clinton Is Source Of Valerie Plame Leak
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In an unexpected development, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan admitted during his daily press briefing that before there was Robert Novak or Judith Miller , before there was I. Lewis (Scooter) Libby and Karl Rove...even before there was Dick (Dick) Cheney or George Tenant, there was Hillary. Yes, Hillary Clinton.

The unsolicited admission came as a surprise to a press corps use to stonewalling, dissemination and out and out lies; after all, the New York Senator hasn’t been a target of Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald’s grand jury probe into the leak scandal that ‘outed’ CIA operative Valerie Plame and the question most asked by reporters and political pundits is: why would the White House cut loose one it’s greatest allies, perhaps the single most powerful woman in American politics today and George W. Bush’s heir apparent for President in the 2008 elections? The answer is as convoluted as scandal itself.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "I know on the face of it, it seems shocking that we would implicate Senator Clinton. After all, no one has done more for George W. Bush and his rise to power than the Clintons, both Bill and Hillary. And while he’s grateful for their continuing support, President Bush, as everyone knows, is completely committed to truth in government. Therefore, he’s decided that it is imperative that anyone who’s been involved in the naming of Valerie Plame should be exposed, even his closest friend in the world, Hillary Clinton."

Even more surprising than the admission that Ms. Clinton was involved in the Plame Affair was to some Americans was the President’s admission that he and Senator Clinton are best friends, with the two sharing an even closer relationship than Mr. Bush has with his other gal pals Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice or Harriet Miers. While current politics and national attitudes dictated that the two friends adopt an adversarial posture in public, their personal relationship has been an open secret inside the Beltway for years.

Still speaking anonymously Waterhouse said, "I know most of our supporters in the Red States, believe Hillary is the evil incarnate, but to George W. Bush she is the epitome of all that is good and fine in America. It truly pains him that he has to paint her as a lying bitch in public, but Hillary wouldn’t have it any other way. She knows that the work President Bush is doing to reshape America and it’s values is so important that personal feelings must be put aside in pursuit of the greater good. But the two instant message nearly a dozen times a day and whenever Laura’s away Hillary will come and keep him company...nothing bad, mind you, just some innocent cuddling. The President gets so lonely without Laura."

So why, Americans are asking, would George W. Bush allow his staff to expose Ms. Clinton as the original source of the Valerie Plame leak? Sources in the Administration say it was Ms. Clinton herself who urged the President to do so in order to protect Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney; the logic being that the work President Bush is doing is too important to allow anything or anyone to stand in it’s way, even if it ends up costing Ms. Clinton the White House in 2008. So, by her own choice, Senator Clinton is willingly falling on her sword and will accept full responsibility for any criminal wrongdoing in the scandal.

Then I woke up.


Rumsfeld Worries About China Nuke Build-up, Everyone Worries About Rumsfeld
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

United States Secretary of Dense Donald Rumsfeld, at the end of his forty eight hour trip to the Peoples Republic of China, told reporters that he was worried about China’s buildup of nuclear weapons, as well as discrepancies in that countries published defense budget and what Mr. Rumsfeld actually believes that spending to be. Most Americans, on hearing Mr. Rumsfeld’s concerns breathed a sigh of relief; the current thinking is that if the man who thought Iraq was a hotbed of Weapons of Mass Destruction was worried then things must be a joke.

Chinese officials strove to ease the Secretaries fears, with one saying, "That fluckin guy must have noodles for blains. China has no need to nuke America, you guys are destroying yourselves without our help. Anyway, in fifty years, or less with George Bush’s policies, we’ll be the dominant superpower and the US will be a second late has been. Plus, if we destroy your country, who will be left to buy all the cheap crap we make?"

American foreign policy experts are worried about one aspect of China’s atomic weapons buildup, however. The greatest fear is that if the Bush Administration picks up on this issue in order to deflect the American people’s attention away from Republicans such as Tom Delay’s, Bill Frist’s, Karl Rove’s and Scooter Libby’s legal woes, as well as the Iraqi quagmire, the faltering US economy, poor disaster response, Harriet Miers and the fear that the President will invade Toronto, Canada, then the country will have to listen to George W. Bush mispronounce ‘nuclear’ for however long the crisis lasts. It is a scenario that is too dire for some to contemplate.

As a way of relieving Mr. Rumsfeld’s worries about it’s military budget discrepancies, one Chinese official pointed out that his country doesn’t have any contracts with Halliburton; that one fact alone saves the People’s Republic hundreds of millions of dollars a year in military spending. Therefore, the Chinese can actually do everything it’s doing for a whole lot less money. Mr. Rumsfeld was forced to see the logic in that statement and has since apologized for his remarks.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "This Administration is committed to keeping Americans safe from it’s enemies...in this case the Americans we’re trying to keep safe are Delay, Frist, Rove, and Libby, as well as Dick (dick) Cheney and George W. Bush himself. By moving America’s focus off our legal and ethical problems we believe that through backroom deals and good old fashioned under the radar arm twisting we can get at least some off these guys off. So you see, it’s a question of security and freedom...our own."


Star Wars to be Filmed Again
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Because the prequels look so much better than the original film which spawned them, fans have been demanding that Harrison Ford reshoot the original film of the series. So STAR WARS is going into re-production, and the remake will no doubt result in a re-filming of the sequels too... and then possibly the prequels once again. And on and on. "There's really no end to it," George Lucas commented by satellite phone from Sri Lanka, his most recent real estate purchase. "Call it my gift to the ages." When asked who Harrison may be teamed with as a love interest, Lucas suggested Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera. "Did I mention," George added, "that the remake will be a musical?"


Citing George W. Bush’s Policies, Satire Writers Admit They’re Superfluous.
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Pity the poor satire writer. After years of growing popularity that began during the second half of the Clinton Administration in the late nineties and reached it’s peak during the 2004 election cycle, political satire seems to be becoming a thing of the past, or at least irrelevant. While most political humor websites still register thousands of hits a day, and television shows such as Jon Stewarts remain immensely popular, those who do the actual writing are...well, seeing the writing on the wall. Very soon they realize they will be completely unneeded. Why? The answer lies with the very target of ninety percent of the humorous pieces written today: George W. Bush.

Political Humorists are finding themselves struggling more and more just to find a topic to satirize. No, it’s not because the Bush Administration policies and actions have left them no ammunition; far from it. The problem is actually the opposite one of an embarrassment of riches. So many members of the Bush White House and it’s cronies and supporters both past and present...Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, Tom Delay, Bill Frist, ex FEMA head Michael Brown, former Attorney General John Ashcroft, Jerry Falwell, UN Ambassador John Bolton, White House Counsel and current Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers... and the list goes depressingly on and on, ending with Vice President Dick Cheney and George W. Bush themselves, are committing so many bizarre acts that satirical writers are finding it increasingly difficult to come up with a punch line.

Political satire depends in a large part on the truth. All good humor depends on plausibility; as Johnny Carson so succinctly put it, "You buy the premise, you buy the bit." But when the premise becomes so outrageous that people refuse to believe it, the bit becomes redundant and therefore unnecessary. When the President of the United States admits that he preemptively invaded a sovereign nation that posed no threat to our country because, "God told me to" and a "religious" leader like Pat Robertson advocates the political assassination of another sovereign nations leader...when top Administration officials intentionally name a covert CIA agent as way to exact political revenge, when the White House allows a Gay Conservative Republican Christian Homosexual Military Prostitute an Political Commentator (whew) to be a White House Press Reporter in order to feed George Bush softball questions when things got too rough...well, I mean, where do you go from there? Who’s gonna buy the lie when the truth is unbelievable? Nowadays, when people want to be taken for a ride intellectually, all’s the have to do is just read the regular news media reports.

When I write my pieces, my goal is to take a morsel of truth and then try to subtly blend in the lie that makes the whole thing funny. While I regularly fail miserably in that task as my regular readers will attest, the concept is sound. But more and more, when I try my pieces out on say, my wife, she can’t recognize the truth in the fiction anymore; the truth has become the unbelievable part.

So, while the current Administration and it’s assorted hangers-on are investigated and indicted, while they allow major American cities to flood and leave it’s residents writhing in agony, while they go to war for one reason then blithely change that reason afterwards after the original one is proved to be as false as they apparently knew it was all along, when one man’s conversations with God dictates the course of a nation and the wars it fights, political satirists are finding themselves with less and less to do. After all, why bother to tell the joke when everybody’s living it?


Nobel Prizes for Acting and Singing Announced
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

In a move which may upstage both the Oscars and Grammys next year, the Nobel Prize committee this week announced two new categories of awards in acting and musical performance. These awards will replace the annual awards given in Economics and Physics, according to Hines Hanson, Nobel committee chairperson. "We're number one," Hanson told a roaring crowd attending a monster truck rally in Stockholm. Projections for soft drink sponsor revenue alone for the first awards extravaganza, to be hosted by Uma Thurmann and Sir Elton John, already exceed the GNP of many Latin American countries. "If there is continued demand for it," Hanson declared, "maybe next year we'll drop the Literature prize too, and replace it with Screenwriting or Fashion."

Nominated for the first Nobels are all the usual faces, plus Lil' Kim, Bjork, and Pamela Anderson. In an ironic twist, the final Nobel Prize for Genetics is going to Dr. Carson Swalensky for his pioneering work in cloning Hollywood mega stars. And yes, you will be able to try this at home soon.


Attorney For Tom Delay Cites Evidence Of Guilt As Proof of Innocence And Vice Versa
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

The attorney for Texas Congressman Tom DeLay, citing the fact that there was no evidence that Travis County District Attorney Ronnie Earle participated in the Grand Jury deliberations that returned money laundering and conspiracy charges against Mr. DeLay and alleged co-conspirator Jim Ellis, has asked a judge to dismiss the charges,citing the fact that if there is no evidence that Mr. Earle violated any law, then of course that must mean that he did. Violate the law, that is. Follow me here, people.

Huston attorney Dick DeGuerin, also citing the fact that Grand Jury testimony and deliberations are secret is seeking access to those deliberations and testimony in order to find the evidence that he says can’t find any evidence of in order to have Mr. DeLay’s charges dismissed. Apparently, Mr. DeGuerin thinks this line of defense a whole lot easier than trying to actually prove Mr. DeLay is innocent of the charges.

In an effort to explain Mr. DeLay’s attorneys reasoning, Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " It is well known in the State of Texas that evidence that a crime has been committed has always been seen as proof positive that no crime has been committed, while no evidence that a crime has occurred usually means that the non-accused are guilty. Just ask Ann Richards. Texas Republicans used the fact that they couldn’t find any proof that she was a Lesbian to show the people of Texas that she must be a Lesbian during the campaign that made George W. Bush Governor; why else would she have gone to such great lengths to hide the evidence that she was if she wasn’t?"

Continuing to speak as anonymously as he’s ever done before, Waterhouse continued, "And before you start saying something stupid like, ‘well, that’s just Texas’, let me tell you that it’s not just Texas, my Liberal cow pie friend. Republicans were able to show Americans that the fact that John Kerry received three Purple Hearts and a Bronze and Silver Star in Vietnam proved he was a coward, while the fact that George W. Bush went AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard as proof that he was a great military leader. Or better yet, that former Georgia Senator Max Cleland’s loss of both legs and an arm in combat proved he was soft on Terror. You’ve heard of the old saying: The Evidence Speaks For Itself? Well, that has no bearing on anything to do with Republican politics. We speak for the evidence, not the evidence. The evidence has a biased point of view and shouldn’t be allowed to speak for itself. It’s even possible that the evidence is a traitor and should be sent to Guantanamo Bay, along with anyone who’s seen the evidence."

Excited Republican attorneys are waiting to see if a judge can be found, other than Antonin Scalia that is, who’ll buy this load of...line of reasoning. If so, they plan to use it to show that the fact that Scooter Libby and Karl Rove spoke to various reporters about Valerie Plame being in the CIA is proof that they never spoke to reporters about Valerie Plame, that the fact that the White House knew there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was proof that they were correct in invading that country in order to find weapons of mass destruction and that former Halliburton vice president Dick Cheney’s awarding of hundreds of millions of dollars in no-bid contracts to Halliburton proves that...proves that...oh, forget it.


Libby Investigated Over Plame
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Indications are that Valerie Plame grand jury Special Prosecutor Patrick J. Fitzgerald’s investigation is still focusing on I. Lewis (Scooter) Libby; sources close to the prosecutor are suggesting that United States Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney’s Chief of Staff may still also be a target in the case, as well as George (Dubya) Bush’s Chief of Staff Karl (Bush’s Brain) Rove. Both men have at first vehemently denied, then acknowledged the possibility, then admitted that they had spoken to Conservative Republican columnist Robert Novak, New York Times reporters Judith Miller and Matt Cooper about former Ambassador Joseph Wilson’s wife, Ms. Plame, and her role as a CIA employee. But both men are still denying that they ‘outed’ Ms. Plame as a covert operative. Speculation is growing that the investigation may proceed farther up the ladder to the Vice President himself and quite possibly even President George W. Bush.

White House officials are still denying that the Vice President or President had any knowledge of the revenge leak, saying that during the time frame in question Mr. Cheney was too busy securing no bid contracts for Halliburton in anticipation of the upcoming invasion of Iraq and President Bush was, well...quite frankly, too stupid to know what was going on. However, these denials seem to raise more questions than they answer.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "We in the White House are shocked and dismayed that one of the apparent sources of the leak was our own darling little Scooter. On the other hand, no one is surprised that Karl might have done it. Still, I want to make it clear that neither President George W. Bush nor Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney had any knowledge of this leak. They certainly weren't at a meeting when George Bush was complaining about Joseph (no nickname known, so we'll just call him Joey) Wilson, the guy who disputed our claim about Saddam and the Niger yellowcake. They sure never heard Bush say, "Is there anyway we can fuck this asshole over?" And Dick (Dick) Cheney never answered, "You know, his wife's a CIA undercover operative. Maybe if we 'out' her somehow, we can get her killed. That would sure take Wilson's mind off of yellowcake, now wouldn't it?" And Lewis (Scooter) Libby never said, "I'll call Bob Novak. That asshole loves us. He'll do it for a cheeseburger and a small fries." And Karl Rove certainly never said, "You know, Judy Miller over at the NY Times always writes whatever we tell her to, no questions asked. I’ll feed it to her as well."

Miller, in an effort to rebuild her journalist credibility after helping the White House in it’s rush to war, spent eighty days in jail for refusing to name her source Scooter Libby as her source even though he released her from the pledge of confidentiality along with Mr. Cooper a year ago, the dope. Novak testified immediately, citing the fact that he was allergic to prison cells.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella

Contributing Writers:
Jonathan Lowe

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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