October 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 10
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 October 15th - 31st  October 1st - 14th  September 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

Fashion Industry Rushes to Kate Moss's Defense
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Superstar model Kate Moss, who has run afoul of the various fashion and fragrance companies she represents due to her alleged cocaine use, is already staging a comeback of sorts. Despite being dropped as spokesperson by H&M and Chanel Ms. Moss is already bouncing back with other companies, governments and institutions offering her endorsement deals.

The Government of Columbia, the worlds leading exporter of cocaine has named Ms. Moss Special Ambassador; a promotional world tour is already being planned, with sponsorship monies to be paid by various Drug Cartels. Columbia has been concerned with the lessening of cocaine use amongst the worlds population and the hope is that Ms. Moss, as a high profile model can bring about a return to the popularity that the drug enjoyed in the eighties and nineties before it was eclipsed by the club drug Ecstasy.

In addition, the government of Afghanistan is offering Ms. Moss the post of Cultural Attachť, explaining that while there is no evidence that Ms. Moss ever indulged in their biggest export, heroin, drugs are drugs and besides, Afghan President Hamid Karzai has always had a real weakness for blond infidel chicks so this may be a good way for him to cop a date.

Other companies that are interested in procuring Ms. Mossís services are the Star Razor Blade company, Blingo Drinking Straws and United States Pocket Mirror Council.

While those in the modeling world are shocked and dismayed to find out that one of their own used cocaine, all expressed hope that one day Ms. Moss will be able to re-enter the relentlessly clean and sober world of High Fashion. Known for their deeply held religious beliefs, spirituality and clean living, as well as a complete lack of hypocrisy, members of the modeling world and itís related cosmetics, hair care and photographic industries have banded together to organize prayer vigils and interventions for Ms. Moss. It is well known in those industries what the stress of being beautiful, incredibly wealthy and world famous can do to their simple lifestyles, so there is great sympathy for Ms. Moss, as evidenced by the various companies who dumped her like a piece of stinking excrement.


Brad Pitt Falls Into Pit
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

During rehearsal for a new awards show, actor Brad Pitt slipped on a cue card and fell into the orchestra pit. His head lodged firmly in a tuba, Pitt attempted to climb out, but was struck by a collapsing scaffold. "The tuba probably saved his life," insisted Harriett Berkendorfer, a temporary set decorator working for scale. "Without the tuba, Brad would now be a circus freak." Later questioned by police at her People magazine interview, however, Harriett broke down and confessed to being part of an elaborate kidnapping scheme involving several makeup artists and busboys hired by Jennifer Aniston. The compromised scaffold was intended to cut Pitt off from bodyguards, and scare him to a side door, where a van was waiting, but was ticketed. "Wearing that tuba, the door was too narrow for him," Harriett sobbed, "and so our moment of opportunity vanished quicker than Kathy Lee Gifford's singing career."


The Dead Support Bush
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

United States President George W. Bush visited the Storm ravaged Gulf Coast once again this week and for the first time since Hurricane Katrina struck there is evidence that the Presidentís repeated trips there are doing some good for his image. Surprisingly, some of those who were killed in the storm and itís aftermath have begun to rise from the dead, apparently satisfied that Mr. Bush really does care and willing to continue their previous support for him and policies.

One victim, who died on day three of the post-Katrina flooding in New Orleans, killed by a looter for a gallon of water he held and whose name is being withheld pending notification of next of kin of his coming back to life said, "I know that some of my last words were cursing the people who left me here to die of thirst in the heat and filth, but I truly believe that George Bush now really understands the problems we impoverished Blacks face, both before and after death, and I felt it was important for me to come back from the dead and give him my support."

Another victim, who died of thirst and heat stroke on day four echoed the previous sentiment adding, "Not only is it worth coming back from death now that President Bush finally cares, itís my understanding that this new Gulf Coast Economic Zone will be better than Heaven anyway, so whatís the point of staying dead?"

These sentiments were echoed in makeshift morgues all over the Gulf Coast Region, as hundreds of body bags began to rip open and disgorge those who had lost their lives in the post storm abandonment, their resurrections in support of Mr. Bush proving to the White House that the President might be able to get ahead of the criticism he faced while New Orleans Drowned and he did nothing.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "I gotta admit, we were worried there for a week or two, but deep down inside we were sure that our efforts to gloss over our fatal mistakes by promising to throw cash at the survivors while at the same time ruling out a tax hike for the unaffected would bring everybody back in line. The big problem wasnít the Immersed and Impoverished in New Orleans; after all, even if they ever did vote theyíd probably go Democrat. Instead, we realized that a great many of the Washed Away in the outlying Parishes of Louisiana as well as the Drenched Dead in Alabama and the Soggy Survivors in Mississippi were a part of our Christian Base and we sure didnít want to piss them off with the Congressional elections coming next November. By that time, George Bush plans to have not only drowned them in Katrinaís floodwaters but also buried them under a pile of cash as well. Nothing will help bring out the vote like our new "Bucks For The Base" initiative."

Oddly, while the dead of the Gulf Coast seem to have forgiven Mr. Bush and returned to the living, some of the survivors are still upset with the President, one saying that what she once thought was a cute grin actually was the self satisfied smirk of a man who just doesnít give a shit.


Religious Fanatics Foiled in Hollywood Bust
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Across the street from the Beverly Hills Church of Scientology, a SWAT team today burst in on a gathering of the INNER CIRCLE, a secret and selective group of former actors, American Idol singers, Top Model models, and reality show hosts who have sworn allegiance to the cell's God. Under interrogation, actress Calista Flockhart shared her group's goals. "We intend to rid the world of anyone not on the hot list. If you can't afford Fendi and Gucci, and people don't know who you are, you're not really alive anyway, and therefore you shouldn't be polluting a beautiful planet which we, in fact, own. Am I right?" Sixteen canisters of Serin gas were found on the premises, along with assorted land mines, rocket launchers, Cruise missiles, and crates of poisoned Poison perfume. In addition, it was learned that God's bodyguard--Kevin Costner--had been promised a return to the A list from the dreaded B list once he completed his mission in Wichita against "those who are not even on the Z list." When it was suggested that God herself was now on the C list, Costner first seemed stunned by the blasphemy, then whispered, "Hey, maybe there's a place for me and Harrison in the Trinity, after all?" Raising his voice, then, Costner added, "Ally be praised!"


Former Education Secretary William Bennet Stuns Americans
By
Bob Chow -- Staff Writer

Former Education Secretary William Bennet stunned Americans of all walks of life while on his syndicated radio talk show Wednesday.

"If you wanted to reduce crime," he told a caller, "you could -- if that were your sole purpose -- you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down.

"That would be an impossibly ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down."

Asked if he owed anyone an apology, Bennet answered in the negatory.

Bennet insiders, were quick to come to Bennet's defense.

"You're all pissed off about that little remark?" Tina Tantrum, Bennet insider revealed to the FarceHaven. "He's been planning on saying that for weeks now. And that part of the plan only scratches the surface. I think he was quite reserved considering what he was going to say."

When pressed to reveal what Bennet was going to say, Tantrum was secretive--at first anyway. After two bottles of tequila and a roll in sack with this FarceHaven reporter, Tina spilled the juicy truth in all its splendor.

"Bennet was also going to say--why stop there?" Tantrum revealed, "If we do this, the nation will gain in other ways as well. Our jobless rate will go down, the amount of money in taxes wasted on welfare will be reduced and we will save money on education. At first, we thought the nation's income tax revenues would decline, but we here at the Bennet camp all know those people don't work anyhow.

"We were initally thinking of making this proposal about all other darker skinned races, but without Mexicans, who would work our fields and water our gardens? Without the Chinese, who would wash and press our clothes? And without the Japanese, where would we get all our great English dubbed Japanese cartoons?

"This is all hypothetically speaking of course," she confided.

Tantrum's comments have left this FarceHaven reporter to wonder what Bennet himself would say after two bottles of tequila and a roll in the sack--yes again, of course, with this FarceHaven reporter.


I'll Run the World
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Well my dear readers, I fear the day has finally come that I have been dreading for a long time. God knows, Iíve tried to avoid it, Iíve pretended it wasnít coming, but now itís here. The situation has gotten too dire, things are too far out of control and if I donít act now, it will be too late. While I recognize the enormity of what Iím doing, I approach this with great humility as well. But itís time for me to step up to the plate and do what needs to be done.

Thatís right; after four and a half years of the incompetence of George W. Bush and his cronies in the Administration, after the failures of 9/11, Iraq, our national economy an now, Hurricane Katrina...after the Enron and World Com scandals, after Halliburton and Cindy Sheehan the time has finally come to act. Indeed, I may have waited too long. Of course, I hope that itís not too late of course, but I also wonít deceive the American People. Thereís been far too much of that of late.

That is why I now am offering my services, in the name of the Public Good, to take over the control of...well, everything, and make our great nation, and the world, a better place.

No, I donít mean I want to be President, that would be thinking too small in this time of crisis. Iím proposing something much larger and indeed, more grand. I am offering to control the entire planet. For free, plus housing and expenses. Hunger, Poverty, AIDS, Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz, Healthcare...in short, Iíll address every nasty problem our planet faces.

Iím figuring it should take about six months, possibly as long as nine or ten if I have trouble bringing the Evangelicals in line. It will be hard at first and there will be tears; in this time of dire need we can afford to have no illusions. It will require massive movements of people, materials and monies around the world. But rest assured, after the pain will come great happiness.

While this is not the place nor time to offer specifics, I will give you some examples of my future plans for making the world a better place. First of all, no more dopey acronyms. Thatís very important. No more "No Child Left Behindís" or "NAFTAís" or "TRIMPACís". Theyíre annoying and deceptive. If youíre trying to steal an election and make a pile of cash at the same time you shouldnít call it TRIMPAC, you should call it fraud and theft. If youíre trying to dismember the National Education Association, (by the way, initials will still be allowed...please keep it to a four letter maximum. Thank you.) be honest and tell people youíre anti-teachers. Donít call it No Child Left Behind. If you want to send good paying jobs overseas and gut the unions at the same time, NAFTA doesnít even come close to what youíre trying to accomplish. In short, Iím calling for honesty in crime and deception.

There is also the matter of opinion polling. Not only will I refuse to govern by the polls, I refuse to allow political polling at all. After all, who cares what you think of the job Iím doing? Polls would just get you all riled up and be counter-productive. The Pew organization, Harris, Gallup and their ilk will now be restricted to questions such as Ďdoes the color blue make you happy or sad?í and Ďshould Garrison Keillor do two joke shows a year instead of just one?í

As the days go by, Iíll be giving you more specific information regarding the way I want you to live your lives...look for the registered mail packet in your mailbox. Follow its instructions to the letter. Failure to do so could result in your deportation to Provo, Utah.

Thank You and good night.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bob Chow
Chuck Terzella

Contributing Writers:
Jonathan Lowe

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself