September 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 9
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 September 15th - 30th  September 1st - 14th  August 15th - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Axis Of Evil Opens New Fast Food Restaurants
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Figuring out that being branded the "Axis of Evil" was not good for state tourism a coalition of rouge states is attempting to clean up its image. Realizing that terrorism and hostage taking has done little to diminish or distort the way of life in the United States, these states have taken an 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em' attitude to defeating American capitalism.

"The concept is irresitable, I think," Ted Restwrangler, restaurant-industry analyst and nationally reknowned Sociologist told the FarceHaven. "Here, we have these enemy states, attempting to do to us what we did to the Middle East when we started opening McDonald's in Kuwait. They are using America's number one cultural weapon, marketing against us."

"By doling out superior food," white posterboy John Ima Smith, spokeperson for the "Axis of Evil," "told the FarceHaven, these Evil Axis groups will be getting out its message in a harmless manner. On each Shiite Shake and on each Saddam Burger, will be a little piece of Evil Axian trivia, pieces of advice on the handling of women and on the resistance of American domination, all the while funding future activities in the United States.

"And a fringe benefit is the Axis's restaurants will contribute to America's obesity feeding American citizens into submission."

A petition has been launched in the United States Supreme Court to prevent US lawmakers from refferring to the Axis of Evil by Axis of Evil and suggests an alternative Axis of the Misunderstood and Potentially Psychologically Disturbed.


Vampire Hunters Meet In Las Vegas Hunter's Convention
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

October--the month your average Vampire Hunter fears most. It's the month of the Nosfuratu where vampires, goblins and other dark fiends prowl at night and the most occurances of preternatural activity are recorded throughout the year. It's a month of high danger for vampire hunters and other hunters of the supernatural who valiantly battle the forces of darkness and protect the unknowingly emperiled citizenry of the world.

Ernest Van Helsing, leader and organizer of the conference, recently returned from Iraq, where at the personal request of President George Bush, Helsing was assisting coalition forces in the search from weapons of mass destruction. Defeated, personal morale of Van Helsing and his team at an all time low, Van Helsing still moved forward with his conference.

According to a Van Helsing spokesman, the conference seeks to open a dialog for warriors against the night to discuss issues related to monster fighting in the 21st century. Topics will include, avoiding lawsuits, the ethics of vampire slaying, figthing supernatural organizations such as law firms and the vacating of graves without religious desecration.


Police Arrest Suicide Bomber
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Police have recently arrested a suspected suicicde bomber. Alli Banna Bo Banna was recently arrested at New York's John F Kennedy airport after security personnel identified Bo Banna from photographs identifying him as a man the FBI had sought for questioning nearly two years ago. Personnel feel they recognized the man when a piece of his cheek passed through a security screening in a Ziploc bag. After independant security analysis, airport authorities arressted the suspected suicide bomber's remains one at a time. Careful, in order to prevent any legal loopholes freeing the man, arresting officers were careful to read each body part its own Miranda rights.

"We had a hard time getting past, 'You've got the right to remain silent,' but somehow we got through it," Office Tim Cuttings told the FarceHaven. "And there were all the 'pull my finger' jokes!"

Bo Banna was apprehended after attempting to blow up a truck stop in Des Moines Iowa. He was thwarted by a suicidal drunk driver who mistook Bo Banna's frame for a maple tree. Bo Banna's body was drug over rough gravel for three hundred and seventy five feet. Afterwards, the driver got out, urinated on Bo Banna's face and entered the truck stop. It was at this time, explosives attached to Bo Banna detonated.

Due to a mail handling error, Bo Banna's remains were misrouting arriving at John F Kennedy airport instead of thier destination at FBI headquarters. The FBI who was unaware of the corpe's locations, quickly issued an arrest warrant for the fleeing corpse. Of the 275 pieces collected at the blast site, 175 have been recovered and Mirandized to date.


Peanut Butter Found to Be Great Hair Gel Alternative
By
Clayton Follows -- Staff Writer

Hollywood, CA

A new fashion craze is sweeping the nation -- or to be perfectly honest -- a Mobil Two gas station in Hollywood, CA. What's the craze? Peanut butter based hair gel.

"What you do is try to lather it for fifteen minutes or so in your hair," Hollywood fashion expert Horatio Ratio explained. "When it reaches the proper consistency, you can go ahead and sculpt the look buried deep inside of you, buried within you since that point in your life where you'd locked away your inner child.

"And there are a great many benefits to this process, " he added.

"Say you're hungry and don't have enough for a candy bar, just dig some peanut butter out your hair and you'll have a meal that goes wherever you do. And if you like those choclate dipped peanut butter candies, dip your peanut hair in some choclate magic shell and you are on your way to enjoy one entirely portable helping of choclatey peanut buttery delight that lasts hour after hour.

"And the process is totally flexible.

"Say you want more texture in your hair. You just make the switch from smooth peanut butter to crunchy peanut butter and viola!

"Want streaks in your hair? Just buy the combination peanut butter and jelly and use that instead of your favorite peanut brand. And for additional texture, let's talk M & M's and raisins!"


Forecast Help
By
Paul Molyneux -- Contributing Author

What is the weather like today?
Please check out the TV.
Thereís so much smoke and smog about,
I canít look out and see.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Clayton Follows
John Plante

Contributing Writers:
Paul Molyneux

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself