Jan/Feb 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 1
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 March 1st - 14th  February 1st - 29th  Jan/Feb 2004 Editor: John Blackemire

It Was Wardrobe Malfunction Claims Area Man
By
John Blackemire -- Staff Writer

In a precedent setting move, an area man was sentenced to death Thursday for sexual harrasment. Court goers were awed and shocked as Judge Mia Vasterd handed down her ruling.

For grand crimes of sheer and gross negligent stupidy and ignorance, for thinking that "malfunctioning wardrobe" would protect you from my court, this court hereby sentences you to be stoned to death with high heel shoes and Wienerschnitzel hot dogs.

It is the further determination of this court that you will be stripped of all your clothes and drug across a glass and molasses covered street before you are tarred and feathered.

The court further determines that the American people, the American public deserve much better than a lame-ass attempt at Justifying your lewd and raunchy acts.

The accused, one Tim Burrlake of Ojai, California was recently arrested for six counts of sexual misconduct when he pulled the pants off of a local woman in the middle of a performance of My Fair Lady.

"I don't see what the big deal was," Burrlake said candidly, "I just brushed against her and her clothes fell off like magic. It was simply a case of wardrobe malfunction"


Halftime Could Have Been Worse Claims Halftime Insider.
By
Clayton Follows -- Staff Writer

Halftime assistant producer Kirky Patterson shocked authorities by revealing the original SupperBowl halftime rehearsal plans.

"You thought the boob thing was bad," Kirky said consipratorially. "You should have seen what they'd planned originally.

"It's almost too shocking to talk about," he added, seemingly unsure of whether or not to continue.

"You sure you're not wearing a wire?" he asked Cynic Online reporter Clayton Follows.

Promtped to continue, Kirky spilled the beans.

"You see, before the rehearsals, Justin had an emergency operation to undo an operation he'd only recieved a few nights before. MTV was furious. They were no longer going to get the shocking halftime they'd been promising their viewers. And they paid good money for Justin's enhancements to begin with. But then there was inspiration!"

"'Janet's a woman', Saul Patterson, our exec pro tells us. 'We'll just use her breasts. It'll even be more shocking than if Justin showed the ones he used to have.'"

"We can't show a woman's breasts on TV! people were saying. It was okay because Justin's weren't natural, but to show real breasts would be a crime."

"So we fought and we fought and we fought and finally we came to a comprimise, realizing that if we only showed one breast, it would only be a half bad thing. I think people are more pissed we didn't show both of them if you ask me.

"Of course, this could have been entirely worse than seeing Justin's boobs on national TV. You wouldn't believe how close we came to booking Michael. He was the one who was going to get the boobs. He was the one whose breasts you were going to see on TV.

"It's a shame," Kirky added whistfully. "I've always dreamed of seeing Michael with breasts."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Clayton Follows
John Blackemire

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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