August 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 8
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 August 15th - 31st  August 1st - 14th  July 15th - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

World's Longest Weiner
By
Dave O'Karma -- Contributing Author

It's official. Chris Bond of Columbus, Ohio has the world's longest weiner.

That's right, Bond, owner operator of T-Doubles Coney Island Hotdog Restaurant was officially awarded Guinness world record status when he put together a 50- foot hotdog complete with bun and mustard. The hotdog was displayed in front of the restaurant taking up space on 7 eight-foot tables and contained in 52-foot piece of aluminum house gutter.

"You'd need a semi-tractor trailer to pull up to the drive-in window if ordering one of these bad boys to go." were the words of champion AICE eater, Coondog O'Karma, on hand for the unveiling.

"Bigger is better at T-Doubles today." were the words of Columbus resident, Dan Schlegel, when asked about the record setting weiner.

"It's all about fun." Chris Bond relpied, when asked why he would want such an unusually long weiner.

It sure was. World record fun!


Waterhouse Sunk
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In a surprise move, Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse has been subpoenaed by the Grand Jury investigating the case involving the public naming of ex CIA agent Valerie Plame. The outing of the CIA covert operative to Conservative columnist Robert Novak who, apparently not caring that he was aiding in the commitment of a Federal Offence, dutifully reported it to the world, has rocked the Administration of George W. Bush to it’s core. The outing was allegedly done by Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney’s Chief of Staff Lewis (Scooter) Libby an President George W. (Dubya) Bush’s Assistant Chief of Staff Karl Rove in retaliation for Plame’s husband, former Ambassador Joseph ( no nickname known, so let’s call him Joey) Wilson’s allegations that the Bush Administration knew that they evidence they presented to the world as justification for attacking Iraq was false. Allegations that Waterhouse has been leaking all over the place to Unconfirmed Sources reporter Chuck Terzella, have caused the Special Prosecutor in the case to zero in on him.

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has been said to be extremely interested in the Waterhouse testimony, as up to this point in the investigation he had no idea that Waterhouse, who seems to have information that no one else does, even existed, which of course, he does not.

Speaking to this reporter for the first time on record, Mr. Waterhouse was quoted as saying, "This is all your fault! How the hell can they do this to me? I’m a fictional fucking character in your stupid stories for God’s sake! I don’t even have a body! How am I gonna get to the court house? And when I don’t show up, since I can’t show up, what’re they gonna do? Issue a bench warrant? Oh, God, I’m screwed! You gotta fix this!"

In addition to Mr. Waterhouse’s troubles with the Grand Jury, White House officials have also begun investigating him in an effort to determine why they have been issuing regular paychecks to an imaginary character for four and a half years. They also want to know who has been using Mr. Waterhouse’s health coverage to the tune of $235,672.98 for a variety of medical procedures ranging from a nose job to repair a deviated septum, acne treatments, liposuction, acupuncture, therapeutic massage and chiropractic services, laser vision eye care and hair replacement as well as extensive cosmetic dental work. Mr. Waterhouse may face criminal charges in this matter as well. Waterhouse’s creator, Chuck Terzella, who’s been looking pretty good these days since, among other things, he got rid of his glasses and had his teeth done, has refused to comment publicly on the growing scandal.


Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In a desperate effort to deflect attention away from the revelations that United States President George W. Bush and his wife Laura may or may not be closet cross-dressers, the White House has announced that even though our children’s children’s children will be in debt up to their eyeballs as a result of the War in Iraq, it will now spend even more money to fight terrorism.

In a news conference held during a visit to a marine terminal in Baltimore, Maryland Mr. Bush said, "We’re spending unprecedented resources to protect our nation. Of course, this comes after spending unprecedented resources to destroy Iraq and increase the number of new recruits to al Qaida by the tens of thousands. However, between the spending of these two unprecedented resources, the United States can look forward to the next six hundred years of crushing debt, which is actually a good thing. You see, the terrorists hate us, not because of our freedoms as we originally thought, but because after eight years of Bill Clinton we were rich as shit and they were getting jealous. By making it so that the average American will have to struggle to buy their family a potato for dinner, the hope is that the Terrorists will start to feel sorry for us and leave us alone."


News in Briefs
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Tell Me, Where’d You Get That Dress?

President Bush’s nominee to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, John Roberts Jr., is refusing to answer questions about whether he, his wife whose name I don’t know, or George and Laura Bush are closet cross-dressers. Despite the complete lack of allegations of sexual deviance however, some Evangelical groups are expressing concern about Mr. Roberts nomination.

Evangelicals are saying that since it was so easy for them to believe that John Kerry lied about honorably serving his country in spite of receiving a Bronze and Silver Star and three Purple Hearts, that former Georgia Senator Max Cleland was un patriotic because he lost two legs and his arm in service to his country and that Dick Cheney’s stint as Vice President of Halliburton had nothing to do with that company’s receiving tens of billions of dollars in no-bid contracts in Iraq, than they’ll believe anything, as long as Robert Novak or Rush Limbaugh tells them it’s true.

I’m Ok, You’re Ok...Or Maybe Not.

The Army is expressing surprise that a new poll of soldiers seems to indicate that moral among soldiers in Iraq is low. Apparently, serving under a Commander in Chief and Secretary of Defense that have no clue as to how to run a war, getting blown up and sniped daily and never knowing if they’ll be allowed to go home to their families due to stop loss orders is having a somewhat negative effect on soldiers attitudes, though no one in the Pentagon can figure out quite why.


On Surprise Visit To Iraq, Donald Rumsfeld Kidnapped By Insurgents, Immediately Given Back
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad to urge the leaders of the fledgling Iraqi Government to refrain from developing closer ties to it’s neighbors Syria and Iran. Unfortunately for all involved, the voluble and volatile Defense Secretary was kidnapped by insurgents as he traveled Baghdad’s notorious Airport Road less that one hour after he arrived in that benighted and war-torn country. Much to everyone’s surprise however, less than hour after that, he was released unharmed.

Initially, military officials were at a loss to determine why so valuable a strategic bargaining tool was given up by insurgents, but soon the answer became apparent. In a video-taped message delivered to a military check point the Union of Thugs, Losers, Assassins and Dead Enders explained, "Allah be Praised, but that guy nearly drove us crazy. He just talked and talked and we couldn’t figure out what in the hell he was saying. We told him we would behead him if the United States did not leave Iraq and he said, ‘Learn to say I don’t know. If used when appropriate, it will be often. If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much. Cluster bombs being used on frontline al Qaeda and Taliban troops to try to kill them is why we’re using them, to be perfectly blunt.’"

"The taped explanation continued, "The guy went on like that for twenty five minutes, non stop; man, we all got such a headache. Two of our people went right out and blew themselves up rather than listen anymore. We had planned on putting him in one of those kidnap videos, but we realized there just wasn’t enough video tape in Iraq once this idiot got started. It really just wasn’t worth it. We’re going back to kidnapping truck drivers and such."

Defense officials were at first ecstatic about Rumsfeld’s unexpected return, but once the true reason for it emerged, there was considerable chagrin. One unnamed military commander said, "Actually, we know exactly what the terrorists are talking about. The guys been driving us insane since this stupid war started. I’ve volunteered for suicide missions twice rather than sit through one of his briefings. We’ve been in contact with the insurgents, trying to get them to take him back but no dice. Damn."


Homeland Security To Terrorists: Bomb Trucks And Trains, Not Planes
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff issued a statement advising Terrorists to shy away from any airline based attacks and concentrate instead on more vulnerable transportation infrastructure such as railroads, busses and over the road tractor trailers.

Explaining that the Homeland Security Department isn’t in the business of protecting Americans from anything already on the ground, Mr. Chertoff said that after extensive reviews he believes that it was important to alert any Terrorists to where exactly the major failings in the nations security systems lay, in order that they may avoid arrest and failure.

In an interview from his office in the Karl Rove Research Center for Treasonous Leaks and Stupid Statements, Mr. Chertoff explained that while he’s at least twenty percent sure that airport security personnel might possibly on a really good day catch a match or finger nail clipper wielding Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender, it would be better for all concerned if those same Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s would avoid commercial airlines altogether. However, Mr. Chertoff did assure the Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s that cargo carriers were still fair game.

Unnamed Homeland Security Source Willard (Leaky) Waterman, speaking on the condition that Karl Rove didn’t already tell every reporter on the planet what he was about to say, said, "The Administration is facing a real problem here and unfortunately, the only people who can help us are the Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s themselves. You see, if an airliner gets hit again then it will be obvious that George W. Bush has failed to keep America safe from Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s. Yet, with the Presidents poll numbers rapidly dropping to his IQ level, George Bush also knows that the only thing that can save him is another Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender attack to galvanize the public behind him, so we’re trying to help the Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s in any way we can, short of actually supplying them with the explosives an timers."

Local city and state security forces, absolutely delighted by Mr. Chertoff’s publicly cutting them loose, have responded by taking extra Valium and getting their affairs in order. This article needs ten more words to reach the Three hundred and fifty word minimum. Made it.


John Roberts Biography
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

The White House, facing growing pressure to release documents and information concerning the legal opinions of Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts, has released the following biography of the DC District Court Judge:

"John Roberts was born on the edge of what was at that time the American wilderness, in a small, hand hewn, 2 room log cabin. Growing up, he read law books that he found in the dumpster of the local Wal Mart; of course, this delving into jurisprudence had to wait until he had slopped the hogs, tweezed the chicken droppings from the living room carpet and skimmed the pool. However, these back-breaking chores did nothing to discourage the young legal savant from pursuing his dreams of not legislating from the bench of the highest court in the land, even though his personal opinions differed widely from that law.

By the time he became a teenager Roberts had accumulated an impressive collection of sixteen masters degrees in subjects ranging from Bio-ethics to Advanced Auto Maintenance and Repair, as well as a disturbingly large collection of Barbie and Ken dolls, which he would pose in unspeakable positions. Thankfully, this proved to just a phase however, an by the time he reached the age of twenty one Mr. Roberts had joined the United States Army, Navy, Air Force and Kiwanis Club. Retiring at the age of twenty three with the rank of Admiral General Pro Consul, John went back to pursue his original dream of becoming the first Supreme Court Justice with more than three hundred Barbie and Ken dolls. Sadly, Antonin Scalia’s appointment to the Court destroyed this goal.

During a bout of depression caused by Scalia’s appointment, John checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic and three months later emerged Barbie-less and sober. After working for ears in the Regan and Bush the Elder Administrations issuing legal opinions that no one in the White House seems to want to talk about, Roberts was appointed to the DC Court.

During private conversations with lawmakers from both sides of the aisle that had been secretly recorded by the White House, Roberts has been heard to say, 'Writ...Habeas Corpus...gavel.', proving that he is eminently capable of sitting on the highest court in the land."

Based on the information provided by the White House, this publication had chosen to support his nomination to the Supreme Court and eventual anointing to Kingship.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella

Contributing Writers:
Dave O'Karma

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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