July 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 7
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 July 15th - 31st  July 1st - 14th  June 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

City of Washington DC Annexes US Supreme Court Under Eminent Domain
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

The Justices of the US Supreme Court expressed outrage Monday afternoon after the goverment of Washington DC issued an eviction notice to the Judical office. The unaminous measure of the Council of Washington DC has given The United States Supreme Court a matter of five business days to vacate the premises. This move by the capitol city goverment has dazzled legal analysts world-wide.

"The US Supreme Court," layman Jamal V Tinkerglassen, "has no recourse but to vacate the premises. After all, it has recently reaffirmed the right of local governments to annex property for just compensation. The ruling also seems to imply that the Federal Judiciary can not decide what is proper for local governments to take and leave behind, so saw our opportunity and inserted our shafts in all the appropriate places."

When asked on what grounds the Judicary was asked to leave on, Tinkerglassen replied. "On the grounds that more tax-bearing revenue, and more importantly, more jobs can be generated by having another interest there. Right now, the people around the block are rooting for a theme park that cators to Senators and other politicians. Some voices raised indicated that maybe a Target or Wal-mart close to Capitol Hill could stimulate growth in the area."

Some citizens have voiced the opinion that local government cannot sieze Federal land. An unnoffical spokesman for the DC Council responds, "A lower court in DC has ruled in our favor that the grounds of the US Supreme court in fact be viewed as the privately held property of the United States Government and therefore could be annexed under 'eminent domain' as the US Government could sell off the land if it so chose. Since the US Supreme Court has indicated that it is not for the higher levels of government to rule on these property matters, they'll have to eat some serious crow if they are to do anything about it."

More on this interesting development as it develops.


Bush Bails on Iraq
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

President George W. Bush has revealed his bold new plan for bringing peace and stability to Iraq. That country has been torn apart by the growing insurgency and the United States military and their ally Great Britain have been unable to stem the killing and destruction. With the death toll for American troops having surpassed one thousand, seven hundred and more than ten thousand seriously maimed, the American people, including some of the Presidentís most ardent supporters in Congress and the Senate, are increasingly clamoring for a timetable for withdrawal.

At a ceremony in the Rose Garden, Mr. Bush addressed reporters and unveiled his Bring About Iraqi Liberty Now (B.A.I.L. NOW) Initiative. In his opening remarks Mr. Bush said, in part, "One of the biggest problems facing my Administration today, and therefore the world, because any problems I have also seen to have a way of becoming problems for the whole world, is that the Iraqi people canít seem to get off their duffs an find a strong, capable leader who can both stabilize the country and rule it without all those pesky new political parties that have sprung up...the Shiites, the Sunnis, the Kurds and Wheyís...itís just a real mess. Well, I think itís time that we appoint a man who can take charge, one whoís already been elected and with an overwhelming majority. A man who has proven that he can keep the country in line and fight terrorism. Therefore, I am appointing Saddam Hussein as interim President of Iraq, with elections to be held as soon as he decides the time is right."

Stunned reporters attempted to pepper the President with questions, the foremost being why would Mr. Bush re-appoint Mr. Hussein after the United States has just spent hundreds of billions of dollars and possibly cost more than a hundred thousand Iraqiís killed in addition to Americaís military losses. Smirking knowingly, Mr. Bush replied, I knew yíall would ask that. I guess youíve forgotten that for many years Saddam was a real friend to the United States in the Middle East and it was only because we were worried that he wouldnít sell us his oil cheaply that we had to go in there and straighten him out back in 1990. I know we said it was because of Kuwait, but letís face it...who cares who controls all them dusty little Arab countries as long as the oil keeps flowing? Do you? I know I donít.

"Anyway, I talked to Saddam just a little while ago on the phone and he assured me that America can have all the Iraqi oil it wants at half price, just so long as we give him back his palaces and support him if he attacks Iran again. He also apologized for trying to kill my daddy, which really helped. In turn, I apologized for whacking Uday and Otay, or whatever that guys name was. We decided to chalk it up to a misunderstanding between friends and get back to the business of doing business. Freedom is on the march."


What's In A Name
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Iranians went to the polls and overwhelmingly elected the former hard line mayor of Tehran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The election has caused a great deal of concern among western nations, particularly the United States where President George W. Bush is not expected to be able to pronounce Mr. Ahmadinejadís name correctly anytime before the end of his term in 2008. In this instance however, the endearingly garbled Mr. Bush, who has a hard saying his wifeís Lauraís name, is not alone.

August publications such as The New York Times and Washington Post are advising their columnists to get the spelling of Mr. Ahmadinejadís name right once, then just continuingly cutting and pasting it as they go along. While this is an acceptable solution for the various print media, broadcast news organizations such as CNN an MSNBC face a much more difficult challenge; the hope among these organizations is that Iran will retreat once again into political and social isolation with nothing important to report on till Mr. Ahmadinejadís term ends.

The White House is already preparing to ignore Iran till Mr. Ahmadinejad leaves office.

Press Secretary Scott McClellan read a statement yesterday that said in part, "The President believes that the best way to deal with any problems Iran may cause is to ignore them. We in the White House are becoming more and more convinced that Iranís fledgling nuclear program will be no threat to the stability of the Middle East and that Tehran is no longer supporting the out of control insurgency in Iraq, therefore, there really is no reason to mention Mr. Ahma... Ahmad...uh, the leader of that countryís name ever again."

The problem with Mr. Ahmadinejadís name is not limited to the United States. Western leaders are secretly breathing a sigh of relief that the new Iranian president appears to be isolationist in his views. The hope is that Mr. Ahmadinejad will decline all invitations for State Visits; while saying his name in broadcasts that can be re-recorded or dubbed is one thing, addressing him directly is another matter. The image of British Prime Minister Tony Blair addressing Mr. Ahmadinejad as Ďmateí or French President Jacques Chirac saying yelling out, "You! The monsieur with the turban" is one thatís too much to bear.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " This can turn out to be a bigger problem than Social Security Reform or Ted Kennedy for us in the White House. Pissing off a guy with atomic bombs by constantly mangling his name is never a good idea. Our only saving grace seems to be that no one else can pronounce the guys name either, so one will never be really sure when we mispronounce it either One thing is certain...you can expect George Bush to talking a lot more about Kim Jong Il a lot more; at least he can pronounce Kim most of the time.


Bush Slammed Over Iraq
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Things seemed normal to President Bush as Air Force One carried America's Commander and Chief into Iraqi airspace Tuesday morning. President Bush was privately going over some meeting minutes when Pro-Wrestler turned governor The Texas Trumpetmaker burst into the room. Bush's security detail could be seen unconcious outside.

"President Bush!" The Trumpetmaker blared. "You and me are going to smash through some politics!"

According to analysts who have reviewed security footage in the President's ready room, the Trumpetmaker quickly scooped the President up off the floor and slammed him hard on the conference room table.

"We thought the President was down for good," Secret Service video analyst Peep Eng Tom, told the FarceHaven, "but the spry little man kind of bounced up off the conference room table and was instantly on the offensive."

"It was the damnedest thing I'd ever seen," Jib T Jabber, kick-boxing promoter for the stars recounted. "There was Bush, up on the conference room table, slapping The Texas Trumpetmaker around the face with the short, direct roundhouse kicks to the face. And there was The Trumpetmaker babbling on and on with things like 'Daddy stop it! Daddy stop it! and 'What do you mean it broke?' Somehow Trumpetmaker managed to hook on of the Pres's feet with his hand, tripping him to the floor. The Pres was on his feet and on him in an instant.

"The Pres started his onslaught with two quick jab uppercut combinations and followed it with a high roundhouse kick to the head. Then came a right cross and a kick to the Trumpetmaker's groin, an awful gamble given the Trumpetmaker's alleged steriod abuse. The Trumpetmaker laughed at the kick and picked up a chair. The Pres whips out a parachuter's switchblade in one hand and a butterfly knife in the other. Luckily the sight of the knives gave the Trumpmaker second thoughts and the goon abandoned the fray."

Suprisingly, not only was the White House available for comment, President Bush was as well. President Bush attributed his victory in the bout to years upon years of successful Air National Guard Pilot Hand to Hand Combat Training and experience in American politics.


The News in Briefs
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

I Heard It On PBS So It Must Be True:

The Corporation for Public Broadcasting (PBS) has announced that it will hire an Ombudsman to oversee news and editorial content. The Bush Administration has hailed the announcement and immediately put forward their candidates for the post. President Bush has assured the public that any overseer would be "Fair and balanced". The White House front-runners for the position are former Attorney General John Ashcroft and the Reverend Jerry Falwell.

A Real Administration Downer:

And finally, the Administration is dismissing the so called "Downing Street Memo" in which details the minutes of a meeting at which British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Foreign Secretary Jack Straw among others discussed their belief that George W. Bush was committed to militarily ousting Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein months before actual combat operations began. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan responded to questions at the reporters daily briefing by asking, "Who are you people gonna believe, us or some foreign guys who donít even speak American?"


City of Oakland to Bulldoze Rest of Oakland

The city of Oakland, California announced that it will be issuing eviction notices to nearly 90% of its population next Thursday following a recent ruling by the US Supreme Court allowing local governments to sieze private property for commerical use. The concept that allows government to sieze property 'eminent domain' was previously thought apply to land taken to create public works projects like schools, roads and parks with a clause that siezed property be put to 'public use.'

"It all started," Bob T Moneygrubber, "when we evicted those two businessmen, the owner of Revelli Tire and the owner of Autohouse. We kicked 'em out thinking they don't generate enough tax dollars.

"Well, we got to thinking -- people don't need houses to work an we still get tax dollars if residential land is corporate land and corporate land generates tax dollars in new jobs, employment taxes, taxed revenues and property taxes -- at least that how I think it works -- after all, I'm not a lawyer, I'm a councilman.

"Well, at any rate, we saw tax dollars coming in, so it made sense to us to just buy everyone out and build all new structures. Of course, people ain't got no choice about buying, but that's not the city's problem is it?

"One thing we are going to do is upgrade all the neighborhoods, from poor all the way up to wealthy -- after all, these poor folk are a strain on the economy -- kind of an eyesore too -- and if we make neighborhoods too pricey for them, then they can go clog up some other town, can't they?

"Best part is, people will have to spend money moving and resupplying thier houses -- well condos really. We had to make space for all that commercial development we'll be doing. We will be increasing our tax coffers by a magnitidue of six-hundred percent by our estimates or so we think, after all, I'm not an economist, I'm a councilman."

When asked if the measure affects local councilmen, Moneygrubber replied, "Only the ones I don't like me boy."

While many residents have expressed grave concern at the council ruling, a small minority's voice has yet to be heard. Strangely, it is the voice of the Oakland rich.


News in Boxers
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Apparently, Allís Ya Gotta Do Is Just Believe

The parents of Teri Schiavo have questioned the coroners report that determined that the woman was completely blind and had suffered massive brain damage. The Pinellas-Pasco County Medical Examiners Officeís findings have completely undermined Bob and Mary Schindlerís contention that Teri was cognizant an could follow them with her eyes and also that with continued therapy she could have recovered. In a related story, President George W. Bush has questioned the results of thousands of reports that have determined that he is completely blind and must have suffered massive brain damage when it comes to his handling of Iraq and the environment.

And You Thought Kerry Flip-Flopped

President George W. Bush has responded to his assertion that he would be open to eventually closing the prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba by saying that he would not be open to eventually closing the prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. In a written statement the White House said, "We are committed to making sure that every prisoner will be treated fairly by keeping them incarcerated without a fair hearing in perpetuity and will maintain our commitment to the principles that made America great by condoning torture, humiliation and sometimes killing while at the same time denying that it exists, until it is proved that it actually did exist, at which point we will....oh, forget it."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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