Good day to all of you readers out there in PC land. This month's guest Q & A guy is none other than Doug Simolean, founder and CEO of Trollop Computers.
Doug here's one of the first true innovators behind the PC and during this month's Cynical Q & A, he'll be answering your letters and helping you resolve your tech support questions.
Tim -- Littleville, AK: My computer is on fire. Should I put the fire out now or email the manufacturer first?
Doug: There's no need to do either. Your computer will be fine. Just keep throwing water on it until the flames die down.
Lisa -- Niceville, FL: When I called your tech support phone number, the technician said "Shut up. Idiots like you don't deserve to use our computers." Is that true?
Doug: I could give you a highly technical answer, but the answer boils down to yes, it's true, idiots like you don't deserve to use our computers. Next letter please.
Blain -- Simi, CA: My brother tells me that I should get a PC with LINUX because people who use LINUX talk to aliens.
Doug: Look Blain, everyone knows that Windows is the platform for porn. Everything about Windows is compatible with porn--state of the art Plug and Play audio, video and 3d graphics. And if you ain't got the thing that views it, you can download it. What's it going to be pal, aliens or porn?
Gina -- Las Vegas, NV: Hi Doug. My husband tells me I shouldn't use the laptop when I'm in shower. What's your take on this?
Doug: We need a picture of your usage to determine any problem areas. Can you send us a picture of you using it? In fact, if you could send us pictures of each stage of this process, we would most appreciate it (as would the rest of our male FarceHaven staff). 8 x10 glossies would be great.
Dummies read below:
The tech support advice in this column is fictional and can be lethal if attempted; pretty please with sugar on top do not try Doug's solutions at home. If you do, you can risk injury and that mythical death and dismemberment you hear so much about on TV.