August 2003 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 5 Issue 2
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 September 1st - 30th  August 1st - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

PITA Pisses off A Pickled Pepper
By
John Blackemire -- Staff Writer

Nowhere Near, New York

Vegetable rights group PITA (Pretty Idiotic Total Ass-munchers) pissed off rock star Pepper Anderson during a march on Capitol Hill today.

Pepper, who apparently had imbibed large quantities of alcohol, was shocked to find that the group had placed real human flesh in his Paco Bell bean burrito in protest of the restaurant's chain use of lettuce and tomato in the tasty treat.

Sandra Bellbutt, area model, had this to say about the situation. "Pepper was so amazingly drunk that he didn't even notice us switching his burrito."

Bellbutt, famous for posing nude in TattleTail magazine, is also famous for posing nude with a dotted line across her neck and navel illustrating the cruelty of chopping the tops and bottoms off of everyday vegetables.

"Oh the pain they must feel, when they are first plucked from mother nature's nurturing soil. The humiliation they must endure as their roots are torn from the sweet ambrosia that sustains them, our Mother Earth," she added, whipping a forced tear from her eye.

When asked for the reason why PITA targeted drunken rocker Pepper Anderson, Bellbutt proclaimed, "His buttons are made from African gourds! Can't you imagine the cruelty of having to be a button! Sure you can say it's an environmentally friendly alternative to plastic but you have to realize we have to kill the gourd to make a button! When you kill a gourd you are killing the environment anyway!"

Bellbutt is also infamously attached to animal rights group PIZZA (Pretty Idiotic Zany Zoological Animalestors) posing nude for the group's founder and CEO many a time and under varying circumstances. Bellbutt has also been known to pose nude in the oddest places including: the back door to the mortuary, on top of the university donut counter (he was a happy man, I tell you,) and underneath the chief of police's squad car.

When asked if she would continue her acts of nudity, Bellbutt giggled, "Well, of course silly. We all have to bathe sometime."

Pepper Anderson declined to comment but was overheard asking Bellbutt if he could bring a camera.


Alcoholics-Out-Of-The-Closetus
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Will be having its annual machinery operator's competition August 14th, 2002. Participants are encouraged to wear loose clothing and participants with long hair are encouraged to wear it down for this once-in-a lifetime event.


Dear Gabby:
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Dear Gabby,

I'm sorry to write you about this, but your latest credit card payment is six months overdue. How do you recommend we collect this debt from you in a timely fashion.

Evil Debt-collector,

Peoria, ID.

Dear Evil,

You'll collect that money over my dead body! My husband's dead body too!

Now that's a thought! He DOES have a comprehensive five million dollar death or dismemberment life insurance policy

Why don't you come on down and take your best shot! We'll split the money! 60/40! What do you say to that Evil?


Senator Seeking to Ban Straight Marriages
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Senator Ima Supportivestraightgal of Hawaii filed papers with the House of Representative today proposing an amendment to the United States Constitution that would make marriage to an opposite sex partner illegal in the United States.

"It's only fair," the Senator from Hawaii observed. "If they can propose an amendment banning gay marriages, why not a ban on straight ones?

"If you think about it, states that ban gay marriage and sodomy should then be obligated under the 14th amendment of the US Constitution to ban straight marriage and hetero sex as well.

If I can marry a man, then under "equal protection," shouldn't a man be able to marry a man as well? We ARE talking about the equality of the sexes to some degree here after all.

"When we pass an amendment that truly enforces the separation of Church and state, then we'll see some progress."

An opposing Senator who asked not to be named said the good Senator from Hawaii should find Christ, marry a nice young man and move her career to the home where she can forever live out the rest of her days barefoot and pregnant.


Cynical Q & A With Doug Simolean - Trollop Computers
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Good day to all of you readers out there in PC land. This month's guest Q & A guy is none other than Doug Simolean, founder and CEO of Trollop Computers.

Doug here's one of the first true innovators behind the PC and during this month's Cynical Q & A, he'll be answering your letters and helping you resolve your tech support questions.

Tim -- Littleville, AK: My computer is on fire. Should I put the fire out now or email the manufacturer first?

Doug: There's no need to do either. Your computer will be fine. Just keep throwing water on it until the flames die down.

Lisa -- Niceville, FL: When I called your tech support phone number, the technician said "Shut up. Idiots like you don't deserve to use our computers." Is that true?

Doug: I could give you a highly technical answer, but the answer boils down to yes, it's true, idiots like you don't deserve to use our computers. Next letter please.

Blain -- Simi, CA: My brother tells me that I should get a PC with LINUX because people who use LINUX talk to aliens.

Doug: Look Blain, everyone knows that Windows is the platform for porn. Everything about Windows is compatible with porn--state of the art Plug and Play audio, video and 3d graphics. And if you ain't got the thing that views it, you can download it. What's it going to be pal, aliens or porn?

Gina -- Las Vegas, NV: Hi Doug. My husband tells me I shouldn't use the laptop when I'm in shower. What's your take on this?

Doug: We need a picture of your usage to determine any problem areas. Can you send us a picture of you using it? In fact, if you could send us pictures of each stage of this process, we would most appreciate it (as would the rest of our male FarceHaven staff). 8 x10 glossies would be great.

Dummies read below:

The tech support advice in this column is fictional and can be lethal if attempted; pretty please with sugar on top do not try Doug's solutions at home. If you do, you can risk injury and that mythical death and dismemberment you hear so much about on TV.


Homeless Man Wins Millions
By
Mari Plante -- Staff Writer

The grand prize winner of the "Seeing Ya with Agua-Clean-A" has just been announced. Derr T Maahan, a homeless man from Venice, California has just won 4 billion dollars in the contest that rewards people for showing off their jugs. Agua-Clean-A the people who brought us the water in a jug bottled water was proud to have been part of such an event.

Derr was spotted while standing naked on a public beach "cleaning" himself with a jug of agua-clean-a


Recall Election Nears
By
Mari Plante -- Staff Writer

The Ganglia Alzheimer's society is holding a recall election not because they do not value the job their representative is doing but simply because they cannot remember who they voted for. Elections are scheduled to take place on Wednesday, so they will be held all week for those who can't remember to show up the first time.


Man Bites Dog
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

"Well the little bastard bit me first," Al Bebach said in a telephone interview with the FarceHaven's Chief Of Staff, Clayton Follows today.

The dog is reportedly in stable condition at the Betty Ford Clinic for abused and mistreated and masticated animals and is expected to make a full recovery.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
John Blackemire
John Plante
Mari Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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