December 2003 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 5 Issue 6
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 Jan/Feb 2004  December 1st - 31st  November 1st - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

Iraqi Saddam Hussein Santa Claus Escape Conspiracy Unveiled
By
Clayton Follows -- Staff Writer

Tikrit, Iraq

8:30 PM Local Time, 600 US troops in a coordinated assault on a mud walled Tikrit compound Dec 14 2003 captured what may arguably be one of the vilest individuals ever to walk the face of this here wonderful planet we call earth, former Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein.

What US military investigators were not expecting was to find a crismon red fur lined bag, red hat and a planned military operations folder penned by some of the former regime's highest ranking Bath Party officials detailing a plan to get Saddam Hussein out of the country.

This translated excerpt of the former regime's military operations planned was released today by the United States Department of Defense:

     * Stage 1: Add a chimney to the mud hut

     * Stage 2: Hang Christmas stockings by fireplace

     * Stage 3: Wait for December 24

     * Stage 4: When red coated man comes down chimney, grab him

     * Stage 5: Replace Santa Claus with Saddam Claus (depicted above)

     * Stage 6: Steal reindeer, flying low to elude coalition radar.

     * Stage 7: Fly to North Pole and take over North Polean labor force

     * Stage 8: Develop new weapons of mass destruction utilizing the resources of Santa's Workshop

     * Stage 9: Return to Iraq triumphant

"Now why didn't we think of that?" President Bush was reported as saying. "It's pretty darn genius if you ask me."

In a related incident, actor Shawn Penned was arrested on the outskirts of Tikrit with a letter addressed to the Iraqi dictator written in Iraqi. The letter was a letter of encouragement for the operation and with an offer made by the actor to the ex-dictator to drive the sleigh that would extricate the former Iraqi leader to freedom. The letter cited Penned's vast experience as a reindeer team driver and also cited his willingness to serve as a human shield should any reindeer bombs threaten to land on the Iraqi populace.

Note: The Cynic Online Magazine would like to extend our congratulations and support for those wonderful women and men who serve our country in a dangerous time and dangerous places as members of the United States Armed Forces. Happy Holidays to all of you from us at The Cynic Online Magazine.


Today in Sports
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In basket ball a bunch of really tall guys with probably the biggest balls in sports today bounced them up and down a hard wooden floor, trying to keep their balls from being taken by the other team who would then throw them through a wire ring.

In women's basketball players, surprised that they had balls at all, did pretty much the same things as the men's basketball teams.

And that's the day in sports.


The Unlucky Thirteenth
By
Dave O'Karma -- Contributing Author

He was the clever apostle
the joker, the wit
Who after Christ farted
coined the phrase: Holy Shit!


Dear Gabina:
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Dear Gabina,

I was vacuuming in the living room Tuesday night when I started vacuuming near the fish tank.

At first I thought I was hearing things, but as time passed I could hear it getting louder and louder.

When I turned off the vacuum, I could hear it clear as day, coming from the fish tank.

"Okay, okay Charlie. Now roll her around in flour and sprinkle a little pepper on her. Give her a twist of lemon and throw her on the fire."

There they were, all seven male goldfishes sitting around a little goldfish campfire, smoking cigars and drinking Jack Daniels talking about how best to cook my little Beta Suzzie!

They had her on a little spit, spinning around the fire. Their little fishing poles were laying in a cirlce on the ground. I don't know what to do! This is the fifth time this has happened to my female fish!

Desperate in Orlando, Washington

---

Well Orlando, don't know what to tell you other than whatevet you're smoking, please send some our way.


Bush Admits to Being Hansen Fan
By
John Blackemire -- Staff Writer

Hollywood, California

In a stunning announcement, Thursday, President Bush revealed his affection for karaoke, especially his love of crooning away to the hits of formerly hot top boy band Hansen.

"There just something about singing MMMbop that brings joy to the President's face," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield was overheard saying at a White House Press Conference. "It puts a light in the President's eyes that you'd have to see to believe."

When asked if the SecDef had any karaoke preferences, the SecDef sheepishly drug a black shoed toe across the floor and blushed.

"I'm partial to anything on the Metallica Black Album," he admittedly candidly. "It's where I get my angry gestures from."

Vice President Dick Chaney, overhearing our conversation, threw his hand in the air like a little school girl, waving it and umming until he got our attention.

"I sing ABC by the Jackson Five. It's as easy as 1-2-3. I'm also fond of singing Sesame Street and humming the theme to MASH. Someday I hope to play the lead in Annie and star in my own broadway musical, but first I need to work on making my legs more shapely."


Saruman Cut From Return of the King: Vows Vengeance
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Hobbitton, Middle Earth

The evil wizard Saruman vowed revenge Thursday afternoon after learning that he had been cut entirely out of Peter Jackson's film adaptation of Tolkein's masterpiece Return of the King.

"How darest he?," Saruman spat at the Thursday interview. "Why I'll turn that impudent filmician into a newt!"

"Cut out that wimp Frodo," actor Elijaw Would was overhead saying at the Hobbitton premier of the film. "We all know Saruman's the guy who drives the plot. If there was a Darth Vader kind of figure in any movie, it'd be that guy."

Actor Kristopher Lee had this to say of Saruman. "I studied the man before playing him. I followed him, tried to get the jist of his movements, the measure of the man. It turns out that he's quite the pansy, not much to him at all.

"The role was rather beneath me as it were," the actor added dejectedly. "Much like the role of Count Cuckoo in Star Warts: Attack of the Phones."

Saruman had this to say about the situation at a fundraiser for Presidential Candidate Howard Dean. "Many trajedies have befallen the United States, Bush being elected President, Bill Clinton not inhaling, Marlynn Manson releasing a new album, but none compare to the trajedy of my not being included in a limited capacity in a movie that will be sure to be a box office flop solely because I am not in it."

Merry and Pippin were not available for comment nor was Bilbo Baggins soon to star in an upcoming episode of the VH1 Series: Where Are They Now: Hobbits, Halflings and Hairy Toes, hosted by ex-Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider.


New Ray Gun Eliminates Women's Clothing
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Researches at Jonathan Sterling University have announced their creation of a new weapon that selectively destroys the organic elements contained in women's clothing, rendering the victim of this ray gun's attack virtually nude.

While the price tag of $750,000 limits the list of purchasers of the new ray gun to a select few, a few celebrities and other notables has come forward, eager to own one of these novelty items as they come off the assembly line.

One potential purchaser in particular, former President Bill Clinton had this to say about the item: "Just think of all the trouble I coulda got into in the White House packing one of these baby's."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
Clayton Follows
John Blackemire
John Plante

Contributing Writers:
Dave O'Karma

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2004
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
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Jan/Feb

2003
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Nov 01 - 30
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Aug 01 - 31


You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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