11/01/03 2003 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 5 Issue 5
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 December 1st - 31st  November 1st - 30th  October 1st - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Peanut Butter Found to Be Great Hair Gel Alternative
By
Clayton Follows -- Staff Writer

Hollywood, CA

A new fashion craze is sweeping the nation -- or to be perfectly honest -- a Mobil Two gas station in Hollywood, CA. What's the craze? Peanut butter based hair gel.

"What you do is try to lather it for fifteen minutes or so in your hair," Hollywood fashion expert Horatio Ratio explained. "When it reaches the proper consistency, you can go ahead and sculpt the look buried deep inside of you, buried within you since that point in your life where you'd locked away your inner child.

"And there are a great many benefits to this process, " he added.

"Say you're hungry and don't have enough for a candy bar, just dig some peanut butter out your hair and you'll have a meal that goes wherever you do. And if you like those choclate dipped peanut butter candies, dip your peanut hair in some choclate magic shell and you are on your way to enjoy one entirely portable helping of choclatey peanut buttery delight that lasts hour after hour.

"And the process is totally flexible.

"Say you want more texture in your hair. You just make the switch from smooth peanut butter to crunchy peanut butter and viola!

"Want streaks in your hair? Just buy the combination peanut butter and jelly and use that instead of your favorite peanut brand. And for additional texture, let's talk M & M's and raisins!"


Dear Gabina:
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Dear Gabina,

Since birth I have been cursed with the reading disorder known as dislexia. As a highly devout and religious Christian, I oftentimes find myself in religious turmoil as the holiday season draws near.

Let me give you an example letter I wrote on my sixth Christmas:

Dear Satan,

This Christmas, I would like a new toy truck, a new bicyle and a new television set.

Recently, I've started a petition to have Santa's name changed to Kris Kringle.

Am I crazy?

Mixed up in CYN

Dear Mixed,

Not at all girlfriend. Just make sure the right name's on the petition.

After all, it'd be kind of strange to have groups of Krs Kringle Worshipers hanging around.


World's Oldest Speedeater Dies
By
Dave O'Karma -- Contributing Author

Brooklyn, New York

The world's oldest speedeater, Milton "Three Fingers" Cohen, 103, was found dead at his dining room table late Saturday night, according to Brooklyn police.

Born September 14, 1900, Cohen was the son of Polish merchants who moved to Germany when he was three, and where he lived until 1945. "Miltie" was always a hungry child, but it was until the beginning of World War Two and his interment in German concentration camps that he discovered his gift of speedeating. "You had to almost kill for every morsel of food you got in those places." he told Sixty Minutes interviewer, Mike Wallace in a 1974 segment of that show.

Cohen eventually moved to New York City where he won the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hotdog Eating Contest 16 times, 1954-1970.

A hunting accident in his youth had cost him two fingers on his right hand, but after his second hotdog title in 1956, he told Washington Post reporter, Earl Friedman, that in his fervor of practicing hotdogs he had inadvertently ate two of his fingers, and from that time on was known as "Three Fingers" Cohen.

"The eating community has certainly sustained a great loss." responded George Shea, Commissioner of International Federation of Competitive Eaters, when informed of Cohen's death. "He was the Takeru Kobayashi of his generation... or should I say, generations?"

Cohen was married 66 years to the late Mitzi Shoenfeld, and had two daughters, the late Laverne and Shirley. He will be sadly missed by his only surviving relative, nephew, and former New York Matzo Ball eating champion, Don "Moses" Lerman. There will be no calling hours.


President Bush Dances with Raliens in Search for WMD
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Washington DC

In an effort to drum up support for his hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction, President Bush has invited Ralien Ambassader TrickNaKhan of the Jeralakini cluster of the Tritatian galaxy to the White House's First Annual Hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction Gala Ball.

"It's disgusting," Vampire Hunter Ernest Van Helsing spat after taking a deep sip of wine. Van Helsing was removed from the WMD hunt November 1. "Next thing you know, he will be selling Oil Contracts to the Raliens."

Ball goers were stunned and awed at the climax of the ball when Ralien Defense Minister Nich Ni Key asked the current President to dance. Bush and Ni Key (pictured above) stunned onlookers breaking out into a variety of dance moves, some Terran, others Ralien until finally drawing a standing ovation for their rendition of the Ralien Tango.

Gubernatorial Elect Arnold Schwarzenegger had this to say about the situation.

"I think that it is great that the President has been making such overtures to the Raliens and am certain that we may or may not find clues to the location of the Weapons of Mass Destruction."

Things almost got out of hand at the Gala Ball when one of the Ralien Ambassador's staff ate a White House staffer.

The staffer is listed as being in excellent condition at John Hopkin's University Hosptial and had been quoted as saying she "greatly enjoyed the experience."


Beer Linked To Drunkenness
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Researches at Jonathan Sterling University have released a controversial study that proves that there is a correlation between beer and drunkeness.

"Let me tell ya," John Sterling told the FarceHaven. "This was some of the most grueling testing ever done in the annals of science. If it weren't for the 375 million dollars in grants given to us by the government, we never would have gotten this project off the ground."

According to the accounting department of Jonathan Sterling University, 80% of the government funding went to pork rinds and pay per view sports, much needed supplements to the clinical process.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Clayton Follows
John Plante

Contributing Writers:
Dave O'Karma

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself