October 2003 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 5 Issue 4
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 November 1st - 30th  October 1st - 31st  September 1st - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

Crintel Micro Unveils New Biological Micro-Processor
By
Clayton Follows -- Staff Writer

Deadmond, West Virginia

In a startling announcement, Crintel Microprocessors disclosed Tuesday its plans for the unveiling of a new PC-Based microchip hailed to outclock the fastest Pentium processors by a factor of 5000!

Using a revolutionary cooling process, Crintel clones human bodies, getting the genetic material for their clones from local graveyards and cemeteries.

"That way," Crintel founder Grim Eeper explains, "no one has to live with having a micro processor that bears any sort of resemblance to the clone donor."

The Tribune has learned however, that Crintel's micro processors are anything but micro.

"The process begins with the cloning," Crintel scientist Frank Stein told the Tribune. "Then, enlisting the aid of African head shrinkers, we shrink the head of the clone right there on the clone body. At first, this process yielded heads about the size of baseballs but we weren't getting the speed results we hoped for. Then inspiration struck! We dunked the heads into a vat of liquid nitrogen much in the same way we did with the super conductors of yesteryear.

"A lot off us had issues with the next part of the process, but when we realized the amount of money we stood to make in stock options, we quickly got in synch with the company line. It's brilliant actually.

"First, we freeze the heads in the liquid nitro. Then, we whack them against the edge of the table in such a way that they break off the body just at the lower neck. We then insert pins in the neck at specific nerve endings and solder these pins onto the computer motherboard. Of course, we had to wire the mouth shut--after all, who wants a computer that says 'Where am I? What happened to my body?'"

Well, I don't know about you people, but I'll be first in line for this marvelous piece of computer innovation.


Local Vampires Seeks Groupies
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

The Vampire Tremount, low in cash and low on blood recently announced his intention to take on boarders in his Malibu mansion. How much is the rent you ask?

Not too steep, as low as $350 a month and a pint of human blood a week. A small price to pay for a beach side apartment. The best part is the blood doesn't even have to be yours. It can be deposited with no questions asked.

With such a lucrative enterprise now running, other area vampires are considering similar ventures as both the availability of good blood diminishes and the cost of living in Malibu increases.

"You can't just beat a plan like that," Baron Von Necksticker, famous for appearing on MTV's reality show The Real World 57 was overheard exclaiming after eating a jar of Puck enhanced peanut butter.


Vampire Hunter Joins Hunt For Iraqi WMD
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Baghdad, Iraq

Acclaimed vampire hunter, Ernest Van Helsing, great great grandson of the famous vampire hunter Abraham Van Helsing, announced Tuesday that he will join Coalition forces in Iraq in the search for weapons of mass destruction.

"Coalition forces have long suspected a supernatural element is involved in the disappearance of the weapons in Iraq," Van Helsing told the assembled press. "With my aid, I will help them pierce the dark veil that has fallen over the land and help the truth come out about the Iraqi dictator."

"All we need now is the butcher, baker and candlestick maker," Ima Incharge, spokeswoman for the Coalition forces scoffed upon learning Van Helsing was called in to assist with the WMD project.

"You know who we need now?" she added derisively. "Sean Penn.

"Penn can strap himself to the nukes, and Van Helsing can stake him for the vampire he is."

Van Helsing scoffed at the notion. "While I agree that Penn would make a good candidate for a vampire, he's a harmless human being, a child in the world of men; it'd be a waste of a perfectly good stake."

Coalition leaders report that forces have exhibited a renewed sense of optimism now that a man of Van Helsing's notorious stature has joined the hunt.


President Bush Unveils Halloween Costume for 2003
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Washington DC

President Bush announced Wednesday that he has finally chosen his Halloween costume for the 2003 United States of America Presidential Halloween Ball.

"I've always wanted a beard and a 'fro," the President was overheard saying Sunday evening. "There's something about the 70's that just gets me going.

"I remember Disco Infernoing all the night long before we'd pass out in an alleyway--4am in the morning buddy. It was my time to talk to Smurfs."

Rocker Ozzy Osbourne recalls days hanging out with the Pres fondly. "One time, we got a shitload of rats and hammers and-- what was I bloody saying?"

"I considered dressing up as Saddam Hussein, but the Secret Service thought that was a bad idea. Freddy Kruger was also a thought, but when I put on the red and green stripped sweater, I looked too much like Mister Rodgers.

"We thought it'd be great for me to dress up like Ronny Reagan, but then we realized that if people saw me leaving the White House, they might confuse me for the President--I mean a real President--I mean Reagan."

Aides close to the President revealed that the President originally wanted to dress as a man, a strong man. Dismissed characatures of this character include Daniel Boone, Mister T, Sgt. Slaughter and Martha Stuart.

Other failed choices include, the Easter Bunny, Dana Carvey, Colin Powell and the First Lady.


Rumsfield Reveals Supernatural Powers at Press Conference
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Defense Secretary Rumsfield revealed his supernatural powers last weekend at a White House press conference on Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Rumsfield (pictured right) reportedly conjured a fireball out of thin air before fricasseeing an insolent reporter who dared to ask about Rumsfield's choice of Ernest Van Helsing to assist in the Weapons of Mass Destruction's team's search for the Weapons of Mass Destruction alluded to by President Bush in his State of the Union Address earlier this year.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Clayton Follows
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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