Deadmond, West Virginia
In a startling announcement, Crintel Microprocessors disclosed Tuesday its plans for the unveiling of a new PC-Based microchip hailed to outclock the fastest Pentium processors by a factor of 5000!
Using a revolutionary cooling process, Crintel clones human bodies, getting the genetic material for their clones from local graveyards and cemeteries.
"That way," Crintel founder Grim Eeper explains, "no one has to live with having a micro processor that bears any sort of resemblance to the clone donor."
The Tribune has learned however, that Crintel's micro processors are anything but micro.
"The process begins with the cloning," Crintel scientist Frank Stein told the Tribune. "Then, enlisting the aid of African head shrinkers, we shrink the head of the clone right there on the clone body. At first, this process yielded heads about the size of baseballs but we weren't getting the speed results we hoped for. Then inspiration struck! We dunked the heads into a vat of liquid nitrogen much in the same way we did with the super conductors of yesteryear.
"A lot off us had issues with the next part of the process, but when we realized the amount of money we stood to make in stock options, we quickly got in synch with the company line. It's brilliant actually.
"First, we freeze the heads in the liquid nitro. Then, we whack them against the edge of the table in such a way that they break off the body just at the lower neck. We then insert pins in the neck at specific nerve endings and solder these pins onto the computer motherboard. Of course, we had to wire the mouth shut--after all, who wants a computer that says 'Where am I? What happened to my body?'"
Well, I don't know about you people, but I'll be first in line for this marvelous piece of computer innovation.