September 2003 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 5 Issue 3
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 October 1st - 31st  September 1st - 30th  August 1st - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

PITA Retaliates Against The Cynic Online Magazine
By
John Blackemire -- Staff Writer

Nowhere Near, New York

Vegetable rights group PITA (Pretty Idiotic Total Ass-munchers) retaliated against the Cynic Online Magazine for publishing the article "PITA Pisses off a Pickled Pepper" in its August Installment of the FarceHaven Tribune, disrupting the daily operations of the magazine.

In a devious plan, Sandra Bellbutt, area model, enlisted the aid of Show It, Tell It, a local strip club know for buxom babes and hung hunks friendly to the sadistic group, convincing the strippers that all day free lap dances for all of the Cynical Staff should disrupt operations at the Cynic to the point that the magazine would no longer operate--not that we complained.

Luckily, the Cynical Staff was prepared with one dollar bills and saltpeter in our coffee, working (and playing) in shifts and even going as far as working overtime to punch out the dribble that you all come to read here every month. Now how's that for dedication?!

"Of course it was tough at times, and some of us almost didn't make it," Clayton Follows, Chief-of-Staff, FarceHaven said in an interview, "but somehow, someway, we found a way to make all the free lap dances bearable.

"Had they made it two free days worth of lap dances," Clayton added. "We would definitely have been sunk."

This reporter suspects, however, that perhaps his FarceHaven chief-of-staff is just trying to trick PITA into another two free day's worth of lap dances.

Follows, hated by PITA and other left-wing vegetable rights groups, is a proud card carrying of LEMAV (Let's Eat Meat and Vegetables) whose goal is to find a way to process every part of every nonhuman meat and every nonhuman vegetable into commercially available food products.


Bible Thumpers Of America is Seeking Conversionists
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Would you like be a conversionist? Would like to to influence others to feel the way we tell you you should feel? Do you have the desire to squelch the thoughts and ideas of those whose thoughts and ideas disagree with ours but not necessarily yours?

If you can be spoon-fed your faith and answered YES to all of the above questions, then quickly send in your application to join the Bible Thumpers of America. Those of you who feel the need to explore your spiritual connection with God as a personal experience need not apply.

Just mail us $1200 and we will send you all you need to get started on your Bible Thumping crusade within 72 hours of payment confirmation.!


Bourgeois Bunny Running For CA Governor
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

In a startling announcement, Bourgeois Bunny, star of the now classic Moony Harmonies cartoons has announced his bid for governorship of California.

"Gray Davis is gonna find out that this is one hare, the tortoise can't beat," the rabbit quipped this morning at a news conference.

When asked what he thought his chances were against Republican candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bourgeois replied. "In a straight out fight, it's no contest, Arnold wins, but what it all boils down is who's got the biggest anvil up their sleeve.

"Put me against that Webster kid though," Bunny added," and I'll show you who's boss."

When asked about the rumors his on screen cohorts Mortimer Mole Rat and William the Wacky Wallaby may also make a gubernatorial bid, Bourgeois scoffed, "Those two couldn't fight their way out a paper bag, chainsaw included."

Bourgeois Bunny has starred in seventeen feature-length film including "Dare to Pet The Bunny" costarring with Gray Davis, and the Cartooninator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger who played the bunny.


Hollywood Actor Seeking a Cause
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Hollywood, CA

Hollywood actor Trent Haswood, feeling left out of the Hollywood in-crowd, has decided it is high time he took up a cause.

When asked why he has decided to take up a sword for a worthy cause, Haswood replied "Well, Pam A's anti-fur and Sean P and Marti S had the anti-war thing--I mean you're not nothing in Hollywood unless you got a cause. So I figured it was high time I got one of my own."

Haswood, an up and coming actor, has tried the crusader scene several times in the past but each time turned out to be disatrous.

"Pets for porn stars was my biggest mistake," Haswood admitted in a rare and candid moment. "Elephants just don't have a place on a porno set.

"One time, we bought this guy a hyena-- he ain't laughing now, let me tell you. We told him and we told him--you just can't give a hyena vodka to drink, the potato in the drink will drive him nuts. But nooo--the bastard didn't listen and we had to fish down the hyena's throat for his testicles. Some people are just sooo stupid."

Another dramatic failure for Haswood was Enunciation for the Osbournes.

"The Ozz-man just couldn't do it," Haswood said, close to tears. "We tried and we tried and he just couldn't do it. Ozzy's my hero.

"I'd just like to take a moment and send an ounce of encouragement Ozzy's way," Haswood said, desperately trying to keep his composure. "You can do it man."

Haswood became an actor in 1987 because who couldn't become an actor in 1987, giving up his career as an astrophysicist before hitting the silver screen.


Pastors Paying for Praying Pets
By
Mari Plante -- Staff Writer

"The Gospel should not be limited to those of us that can stand upright. The Lord should be allowed to enter the hearts and minds of all God's creatures, and so therefore I am offering $9.99 to all people who bring their pets to a House of Worship on Friday and $4.72 to all who bring their four legged friends to Church on Sunday. The Gospel shouldn't be limited to just us humans-that's just so speciesist of us." Currently Pastor Pope is only offering monetary donations to four legged household pets, not wild, winged or two legged pets. "This month is four legged household pets, maybe next month we will have winged weeks and two legged Tuesdays."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
John Blackemire
John Plante
Mari Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself