March 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 3
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 March 15th - 31st  March 1st - 14th  February 1st - 28th Editor: John Blackemire

Congress Passes New Indecency Laws

Mayhem erupted on Capitol Hill Friday when Congress and President Bush unknowingly passed a new indecency law into being. The law, which prohibits employees of the Federal government from "behaving in a manner unbefitting the station in which the federal employee has been appointed." Several have suspected that the intent of the law was to prohibit gays from working in government offices, but the language of the law backfired on the document's framer.

"We pretty much had to shut down both Houses of the United States Congress," Senator Frank Bedwetter, one of five remaining US Congressman, told reporters at a recent press conference. "Just about everyone had to resign. Dumb son of a bitch who wrote the law forgot to be a little more discriminating in his language . . ."

At this point, aides of Senator Bedwetter tackled him, wrestling the Senator to the floor for saying the dreaded 'd' word. Bedwetter went down harder than aides expected lowering the number of available Congressmen in public office to four though he is expected to recover within the next two weeks.


Marylyn Manson To Marry Poodle, VH1 To Make Reality Show

Marilyn Manson fans will be pleased to hear that VH1 will be hosting a new reality show starring the number one heavy metal male shock diva himself, Marilyn Manson. But, as is typical with VH1, this new reality show will be sporting a new twist on your typical reality show fare.

"I marry a poodle," Marylyn Manson told cameras with a strange grin. "The show chronicles all aspects of our relationship, from the initial meeting at the pet shop, to the first time Fluffy went on the carpet and our first S & M newspaper spanking. It's a ground breaking show really. At the wedding, Fluffy's going to wear fake breasts."

Fluffy's fake breasts made headline in the video for "Eat Your Fleas" off the recently release Puppy Pound Protocols album in November 2004.

The dog has since appeared in numerous music videos, pairing up with an eclectic mix of acts as Britney Spears, Limp Bizkit and ZZ-Top. She is scheduled to tour with Amy Lee of Evanescence next Tuesday. Rumors abound that Fluffy and Lee will collaborate soon on a new album sans Evanescence though Lee's publicist denies that Amy Lee is at all related to Tommy Lee of Motley Crue. Lee (Tommy Lee's) publicist has yet to deny or confirm the Motley Crue drummer's relationship to the poodle.


Brad and Jen Separate Conjoined Twins

Things were not going well at John Hopkins University where scientists and doctors battled desperately to save the lives of conjoined twin boys Mathew and Drew Buttspew.

Four hours into the operation, Matthew Buttspew began to fall into a deep fever.

"We didn't know what to do," Doctor James T Bridgewater recounted. "Little Matthew was sweating like a pig and little Drew didn't look too good either. The twins' heart rates were erratic. Nurse Salaminder was having hot flashes and I needed a drink -- vodka preferably. Things were pretty desperate.

"Then, when things start to get really bad -- we hear this bugle call sound from outside the window, so I think -- What the fuck? We're on the tenth story. I look outside and there are Brad and Jen dressed like pygmies riding the back of this bizarre pink and sky blue flying bionic zebracorn.

"Brad jumps off the zebracorn and almost falls ten stories to the ground. Luckily, his foot got caught in the stirrup and he fell flat onto the window ledge. He gets up in a daze and kind of stumbles around for a second. And then he fell. Backwards. Right through the window. Glass went everywhere.

"Then in walks Jen, nail clippers in hand. She walks over to the twins and clips the pinky nail that had held those twins together for all these years. The twins were free!"

It's been several months since twins Matthew and Drew were separated. Matthew has taken up the nose flute, and Drew paints with his teeth.

Someday, Matthew hopes to meet a nice girl and someday Drew hopes to be a nice girl. Whether or not Brad and Jen will show up for that particular operation remains to be seen.


Bush Administration Cancels Next Tuesday

Americans everywhere were startled and confused earlier this week as the Bush Administration announced plans for canceling next Tuesday.

White House insiders speculate that the decision to cancel next Tuesday comes in the wake of the White House culinary staff announcing plans to include broccoli on the menu on that day.

"My daddy doesn't like broccoli; I don't like broccoli," the younger George told press-goers at a recent media meet and greet. "I'm the President and if I want to skip next Tuesday, I'm going to skip next Tuesday."

Oddly, polls show a surge in the President's popularity shortly following the announcement though analysts have yet to determine why.


Congress Seeks Remote Controlled Pie Throwing Ban

Inspired by live remote control hunting as envisioned by www.live-shot.com, area clown and bakery owner Jeb Merangetess has draw Congressional ire for his new website www.pieshoot.com. The owners of live-shot.com made national headlines by aspiring to create remote controlled hunting accessible to Internet users. Users of live-shot.com would eventually be able to control a hunting rifle via remote control using their computers mouse and the Internet.

"I'm taking the concept to a higher level," Merangetess told the FarceHaven. "I've built a series of 15 concealed catapults around Capitol Hill, all aimed at various government offices, all with a giant size 500 pound coconut cream pie just waiting to be flung at some hapless Congressman. Users log on to my website, and through the assistance of six GPS satellites my company has recently placed into orbit, select targets using an on screen map of Capitol Hill.

"At only $5000 bucks a shot, I think it's a fair deal to coconut plaster your least favorite Congressmen."

While the popularity of these Internet diversions has yet to be determined, reservations for the system have been booked for the next five years, mostly by Congressmen.


Salad Claims to Have Seen Face of Christ in Human

It was a typical day for Sean Turtleberry of New Haven, Alabama Thursday afternoon. He went to work, worked ten hours and then he came home. It was the coming home part Sean was not prepared for.

"So I come home, hear right, and I sits down to my meal. The wife's got me on this kind of a diet and I've been eating salad for about three month's now. Another two months, and I think I'm finally going to lose these love handles," Turtleberry tells us, tugging at the love handles on his flea infested belly.

"Well, my wife likes to do these cutesy bagged salads, with tomato slices for eyes and dill spears for a mouth. Call me strange, but sometimes I like to talk to 'em before I eat 'em. Flirting mostly. I like to pretend they're girl salads.

"So I look at the particular salad in question and say, 'so baby, what's your sign?'

"And it looks back at me and goes 'Holy Christ!' That human just talked to me!

"Now me and the misses -- we left the kitchen like our asses had catched fire and go tearing through the neighborhood. Never did hear from that salad again other than the rumors -- you know, like she's on tour with Billy Ray Cyrus or she's going to do a Playboy spread. Kind of odd her mistaking me for our Lord and Savior and all though."

The FarceHaven attempted to set up a follow-up interview, but the salad declined.


Clinton Sleeps on Floor For Bush

Touring tsunami devastated countries, Former President George Bush Senior praised former President Clinton recently for allowing the more elder President to sleep on their plane's only bed while President Clinton used the floor. Bush expressed a fondness for Clinton's great ability to show deference and respect for his elders. Others too have voiced deep admiration for President Clinton's ability to sacrifice his comfort for his former Presidential rival.

"One time, " Larry Englebuyer told the FarceHaven, "the President -- that's President Clinton -- and Mr. Bush were waiting for a rickshaw in Southeast Asia. They were only able to get one for the two of them and it was a one seater. The President, and by President I mean President Clinton, paid the driver two thousand bucks for the rickshaw and pulled President Bush all around town the whole time uncomplaining. Afterwards, the President, entrepreneur that he is, made about $15.75 in tips driving other people around town.

"Another time," Englebuyer added, " the Presidents stopped in this devastated village. Both men were hungry, but all the village had to offer them was two slices of toast, one of them burnt. Clinton, of course, took the burnt one himself and gave the good piece to Mr. Bush.

"But that's nothing," Englebuyer elaborates taking a conspiratorial sip of water. "We had a layover in Ho Chi Minh City Vietnam on our way back to the states, so me and the boys take the Presidents, that's President Clinton and Mr. Bush to Super Saigon Slip and Strip, Ho Chi Minh City's premier strip club. "Of course, the owner of the place recognizes the President as a former most powerful man in the world -- he recognizes Bush too and offers the two of them complimentary lap dances. President Clinton, out of deep respect for the age of the older Bush, without hesitation offers to suffer through both lap dances for him. What a guy!"

As legends of President Clinton's generosity to his elders continue to grow, only time will tell if the President's rickshaw business will survive against the steep competition supplied by competing drivers in South East Asia. Analysts are bullish however.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself