February 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 2
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 March 1st - 14th  February 1st - 28th  January 1st - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Hollywood Gets on Outsourcing Bandwagon

In an effort to increase their bottoms lines, several blockbuster Hollywood production companies have joined the corporate bandwagon and have begun to outsource much of its star talent.

"Why pay for Woody Harrelson, when a suitable replacement can be found in India and Africa for about $300 a month?" Chep Bucks Stevens, up and coming Hollywood director told the FarceHaven. "Gibambi Ti Lambi of Africa will be replacing Harrelson in his role Billy Hoyle in White Men Canít Jump 2.

Playing the role of Clark Kent/Superman in the next Superman movie will be Tom Ngyuen of Vietnam due to his profound adaptation of Peter Parker in Spiderman 3.

Taking credit for this outsourcing rush is Ryo Shun Khem, Hong Kong actor recently cast to be Steve Rogers (AKA Captain America) in the upcoming film the Captain Americanís Dream.

Lobbyist for countries with growing outsource industries are seeking other ways they can help improve corporate Americaís bottom line. Food Service India America is currently in negotiations with American contractors to construct an overseas mail tube system so that the work of American food service workers can be moved overseas. Restraunt goers will order at a window and the mail-tubed meal will blast across the Pacific piping hot at your favorite resteraunt.

Always quick to latch onto a good thing, the Bush White House jumped onto the outsourcing bandwagon announcing today that it will be outsourcing 545 government positions to various American employment and contract agencies.

"The jobs we are contracting out to various organizations are jobs the average American will not miss or seek to fill as a position," David Yesman, White House Spokesman told the FarceHaven.

"We are also seeking to eliminate quite a few middlemen and middle management positions that begun to intrude upon the way our goverment can, should and does actually work," Yesman added with grim.

"Effective February 13th, the US government will be laying off 435 members of the House of Representatives, 100 Senate members and the 9 Justices of the Supreme Court. Decisions and actions taken by these former government employees will be auctioned off to the highest bidder. This will allow the government to save billions in terms of the salaries we pay these government officials while allowing corporations the same legistlative freedoms they've always enjoyed under our Republican system of goverment."


Chuck Terzella - February News Briefs
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

United States President signed a Bill that will enact some of the most drastic changes to his Intelligence to occur in the last thirty years. Describing the measure as "lung (sic) overdone, uh, due," Mr. Bush signed the document during a ceremony in the White House Oval Office, which the President has always referred to as "the round room". As an indication of how seriously Mr. Bush regards the need to overhaul his intelligence he used a black Crayola crayon as opposed to his customary vivid tangerine. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Weíre very excited. No one has ever tried to overhaul the Presidents intelligence before and quite frankly, it may be a losing battle, but as the American people can tell it just has to be done."

* * *

In an effort to completely bankrupt America by his target date of June 2006, President George W. Bush has formally canceled Iraqís 4.1 billion dollar debt to the United States. The announcement was made by Mr. Bush in a ceremony held at Fort Knox where the President had been busily handing out Americaís remaining gold bars to all the children of Halliburton executives who have been good little boys and girls during the last year.

* * *

Pfizer Pharmaceuticals has revealed that itís pain relieving cox-2 inhibitor drug Celebrex has been found to dramatically increase the chances of a heart attack, much like itís one time rival Vioxx. This reporter can personally attest to the increased risk after suffering a myocardial infarction as he watched his Pfizer stock fall through the floor on the news.


Nothing Wrong With Oil For Food Program
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Much controversy has surrounded the Oil For Food program over the years. Many just say that Oil for Food just doesn't work. However, a new generatation of Oil for Food proponents has emerged.

"The Atkins diet has turned everyone into a bunch of health crazy chicken shits," Ted Dashlingerbottom told the FarceHaven in a recent interview. "Why is everyone so damn concious about oil? Take a guy like me for instance, I like cooking my food with Canola."

"It's Olive Oil for me," Margery Jackslippa a later interviewee added. "I love the way Olive Oil seals in the juicy goodness of your juicy vegetables while preserving the crunchiness of your harder vegetables. It's also a fun lubricant."

"Now, I like using oil to make a good salad," Bret Bamamen told the FarceHaven. "You add some spices to a little bit of olive oil, mabe some finely chopped peppers and finely chopped onions and you got yourself a wonderful dressing that accentuates any meal. Throw a little red wine into and this dressing into a mix of greens and you have a salad that's absolutley ambrosiatic. Serve with croutons and a slice of melon and you've presented a meal that would melt the butter of any gourmet and day, any time of the year."

Despite the efforts of many citizens to defend the use of oil on food and several bills are currently on floor in Congress that would ban the commercial use of oil with foods. Some feel that it is only a matter of time that oils will be banned for the home as well.


Chuck Terzella - February News Boxers
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Despite President George W. Bushís unwavering support, Secretary of Dense...uh, Defense Donald Rumsfeld has come under harsh criticism from the few Republican lawmakers who have actually served their country in a time of war, namely Arizona Senator John McCain and Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel. Both have given Mr. Rumsfeld a vote of no confidence, citing the Secretaryís progressive dementia and general stupidity. Mr. Rumsfeld has responded to his critics with his usual modesty, saying, "George Washington was constantly criticized, John Adams was constantly criticized, Abraham Lincoln was vilified and criticized and America has always survived it and Iím better than all those turkeys." White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "The President believes Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a great job...then again, the President believes the War in Iraq is going well, the economyís in great shape, global warming is no problem and Star Wars Missile Defense can actually work."

* * *

Secretary of De(fe)nse Donald Rumsfeld said that he was, "truly saddened by the thought that I or others here are doing anything other than working urgently to see that the lives of the fighting men and women are protected and cared for in every way humanly possible. The problem is itís just not humanly possible to give our fighting men and women things like bullets, water, body and vehicle armor or intelligent leadership. As Iíve said, you go to war with the Administration you have, not the Administration you wish you had. Given that, I want every soldier to know that they are in our thoughts and prayers...and boy oh boy, do they need prayers."


Wait--It Gets Worse
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

A South Carolina woman was recently arrested this previous weekend being accused by South Carolina police of causing her husband's death by administering to him a Jack Daniel's enima.

Texas policemen and consultant for the FarceHaven Tribune Jed Cuffit had this to say about the situation.

"Apparently this situation is a lot worse than the media has made it out to be. Poor fellow had a mashed up throat that kept him from drinking. The good ol JD enima was a last resort for the poor guy.

"But that's not all he did. Insiders at the South Carolina highway patrol tell me he used to smoke too."

When asked to elaborate, Cuffit replied. "Well I ain't talking about his mouth, am I?"

"Cigars, Marlboros, a little weed on the side--the man would smoke anything. And I mean anything. Rumor had it smoking bananas may have been one of this deviant's past times. There was also something about him not being able to swallow cucumbers like he used to, but believe me, I did not want any more details than that."

Cuffit and other members of the law enforcement community have banded together to form a new super hero crime fighting task force whose sole mission is to go door to door across the grand old United States and do its best to prevent any more such deaths by enima. Cuffit has yet to release a timeline for the group's activities, though they do plan to do a couple night clubs and bars before going on tour.


Patrick Stewart Joins Crestor Spin/Public Relations Campaign
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

The Food and Drug Administration has ordered AstraZeneca to remove ads claiming that itís Cholesterol lowering drug Crestor was safe. The company has responded with a new campaign, narrated by Patrick Stewart that said:

Sure Crestor may kill you,
but ask yourself, will you
be any less dead if you were shot in the head
or hit by a bus?
So, whatís all the fuss?

Take Crestor and find
weíll keep our fat bottom line
and what could be better?
So forget the FDA letter

I swear, itís no joke man,
Iím the company spokesman
And if you believe what I say
then Iíll still get paid
Take Crestor, take Crestor, take Crestor.


Raising The Roof. The White House Unplugged.
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

President George W. Bushís Chief of Staff Andrew Card said that "many of the questions being raised were well understood by the White House" regarding former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerikís bid to become Chief of Homeland Security. Mr. Kerik, whose vetting process publicly uncovered allegations that he hired illegal aliens to be part of his household staff, did not pay social security taxes on them, carried on not one but two extramarital affairs, was involved with a construction company that had ties to the mob and received kickbacks from a security company that supplied tasers to the city was forced to withdraw his name for consideration for the post.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Of course we knew about all that stuff and more. What we didnít know and what really came as a shock to us in the White House is that all that stuff is illegal. Who would have thought it? People can be so damn picky sometimes."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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