January 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 1
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 February 1st - 28th  January 1st - 31st  November 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

The Best of The FarceHaven Tribune 2004
President Bush Announces Emmitt Smith As Running Mate
By
Jason Scott -- Contributing Author

In a surprise move President George W. Bush announced Dallas Cowboys' running back Emmitt Smith as his running mate in the next presidential election. Thought to be an attempt to rejuvenate sagging support in polls, the move has prompted much criticism, but has been applauded by the hard to sway beer-swilling, couch-ridden Football Fans Association.

When asked about the decision to replace Vice President Cheney, Bush replied, "Cheney's slow. I don't mean any offensity to Mr. Cheney, but he's fat, he's old and he's just not down with the people. Me 'n' Emmitt are gonna hip things up a little, raise the roof and blow the lid off this thing."

Questioned about his choice in running mates Bush retorted, "Obviously Emmitt's very fast and very smart. His record speaks for itself. Besides, everyone knows I'm down with the brothers. With me 'n' Emmitt in the hizzy people will forget all about this whole Iraq thing.

When asked about how Vice President Cheney feels about this decision, the President chortled, "Cheney? You tell that Mofo that I hear there's a job opening for the Mayor of Squaresville." With this President Bush laughed and attempted a spastic high-five with a laughing Smith, although it was evident Smith was laughing at the president, rather than with him.


Sly Stallone: Best Actor?
By
Robert Pingatore -- Contributing Author

HOLLYWOOD, California -- As the nominees for this yearís Academy Awards were announced today, there were few surprises. However, the one nomination that caught everyoneís eye was among the candidates for this yearís best actor, Sylvester Stallone for his performance in The Greater of Two Evils, in which Stallone, playing against type, portrayed a young woman who, having experienced the trauma of college date rape, begins to realize that she has a deep passion for women, and turns to a life of lesbianism.

Stallone has claimed that it was the most difficult role heís played. "First of all, you see, Iím not a woman," Stallone explained in an interview in June. A true Method actor who gained 30 pounds in preparation of his critically acclaimed role in the film Copland, Stallone went to great lengths to capture the essence of Jennifer, the young woman he portrays, even going so far acquiring breast implants.

"The difficult thing about getting my breasts done was that once I got over the soreness, I really regretted not going a size larger, as my physician suggested," Stallone continued, "That and the fact that I didnít ever want to leave the house."

When asked about filming the emotionally intense date-rape scene, Sly was effusive in his praise for fellow actor, Brian Van Holt, who plays Jenniferís college boyfriend-turned-assailant. "I know up on the screen, it looks like Brian is really pretty rough. But the truth was, he was very accommodating and professional, and has soft hands."

Taking a page out of Charlize Theronís, Tobey Maguireís, and Rene Zellwigerís books, Stallone radically altered his looks even further, by dropping 40 pounds. The initial title sequence in which the audience watches Jennifer showering herself and her lesbian lover is so shockingly real in appearance that many industry insiders remain convinced that Stallone required a body-double for the scene.

"Thereís no way thatís Rocky up there," Harry Kaminstani, head of Sliced Productions in Hollywood proclaims. "I know his (buttocks), and thatís not his (buttocks)."

Still, Stallone, while proud of garnering a nomination from the Academy, hopes that filmgoers and critics pay more attention to his performance than his body. "I want people to respect the talent and effort that I put into that performance, not just marvel over my perfect breasts or girlish figure," he explained while openly massaging his C cup sized breasts, "Thereís more to a good performance than just the visuals."


Condi Jilted!
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice was forced to admit before the 9/11 Commission that she and Osama bin Laden had been secretly engaged to be married during the summer before the attacks. The wedding was postponed indefinitely after the tall, dark and certifiable Saudi lunatic was determined to be the mastermind of the terror attacks.

"Condi was devastated," said Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, "she really believed that this was the guy. He had everything she was looking for in a man... money, power, his own private army and the ultimate Conservative Agenda. But I guess it wasnít meant to be. Ever since then Condi hasnít really smiled; sheís carrying a lot of hurt and pain, the poor thing. Personally, I think that why sheís been so aggressive in pursuing bin Laden, a woman scorned and all that."

President George (Nobody Fucks With My Bitch) Bush, reportedly incensed that his girl Condi had been treated so shabbily by bin Laden vowed to use all of Americas resources to bring the slimy Saudi to his knees. Unfortunately, the President attacked Iraq, mistakenly thinking that taking over a country that had nothing to do with 9/11 would pacify the jilted Security Advisor. "Condi just kept crying," said Waterhouse, "The President was at his wits end. I remember him saying, ĎWhat else can I do? I really thought that getting Condi her own oil rich country to go with the oil tanker we named after her would do the trick. But nothing seems to work. She just mopes around the White House, bringing everyone down. Maybe she just needs a vacation. Letís occupy Haiti."


Motion Lotion Company Sues McDonald's For Stealing 'I'm Lubing It Slogan'
By
Charity Blackemire -- Staff Writer

Super Slippery Snake Lube Motion Lotion Company recently filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against popular restaurant chain McDonald's alleging that the burger corporation had stolen its popular "I'm loving it" campaign from SSML's "I'm lubing it campaign."

Co-spokesperson and company namesake S. Lippery said "How dare McDonald's steal our slogan? Do they have any idea how long it took to come up with that bad boy?"

When Cynical Reporter Bob Chow asked whether or not Lippery understood that McDonald's slogan was 'loving it' not 'lubing it,' Lippery made the following comment:

"Of course I know McDonald's slogan is 'Loving it!' Wait a minute! You're just trying to trick me aren't you? You work for the Ronald, don't you? Well you happy faced clown sons a bitches can't fool me! I see all of you in hell or in court!"

Bob and other members of the press corps valiantly attempted to explain the difference in the two slogans but quickly decided the effort was futile, especially as happy hour had just begun at the nearby Falafel Bar on 57th street.


Vote for Me Then Kill Yourself Declares Bush

President George W. Bush has unveiled his novel plan to fix Social Security and Healthcare in the United States. The President was quoted as saying, "The plan is very simple. First, all the old and sick people vote for me, that's very important. Then, as soon as I've won the election, they all kill themselves. That way, we barely have to fund Social Security at all and if there are no sick people left, existing Healthcare dollars will be more than enough.

Unnamed Administration source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse said, " Of course, we don't want all the old and sick people to kill themselves...that would be crazy. Anyone who can afford to live till they're ninety on their own dime are more than welcome to hang around. It's really just the poor people and Democrats we'd like to get rid of. Of course, if the rich old people would sort of keep themselves out of sight, we'd be grateful. I mean, old people are pretty ugly and they smell funny sometimes."

As with any new proposal by the President, there would be significant exceptions. Arizona Senator John McCain would be killed immediately, whether he wants to die or not, just because, in the words of John Ashcroft, " Any Republican that tells the truth, even sometimes, just can't be trusted."

Supreme Court Justices David Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Sandra Day O' Conner and John Paul Stevens would also be killed outright. On the other side, the Reverend Jerry Falwell, Charlton Heston and Billy Graham would be kept on life support indefinitely, to be carted out and displayed at future Republican rally's.

"It's a good plan," remarked Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity, " We think it addresses all the Administrations budget problems. The money we save can be used to fund all sorts of projects...clear cutting National Forests, oil drilling in ANWAR, you know, the good stuff."


Man Arrested For Misconduct With A Motor Vehicle

A Texas man was arrested Tuesday for, according to police reports, 'misconduct with a motor vehicle.'

"It all began two Tuesdays before the current Tuesday," Jed Cuffit, police spokesmen, told the assembled press last Tuesday. "911 dispatchers get a call from one Martha Toadwart, area busybody claiming that our suspect was doing unmentionable things to his 1954 Cadillac El Derado."

When asked what was being done to the El Derado, Cuffit replied. "Well damn it all! Didn't I say what he did was unmentionable! How am I supposed to mention the unmentionable act our unnamed suspect committed to aforementioned vehicle when the danged fool deed was unmentionable???? All I can say is that man's lucky we figured out that man's car was a girl car cause if it was a boy car we Texans would have had us a hangin'!"

"Now hold on a minute there sheriff," Pete Peterson, reporter for the FarceHaven Gazette, Texas based competitor for the FarceHaven Tribune interjected. "If it's all right by you to shoot someone who's messing with your truck and to shoot your wife for cheatin' on you, then what could this man have possibly done that was so bad that you can't talk about it?"

"Look--" Cuffit replied. "What a man does in his own garage with his car is his own busines. Why, when I was a boy, I used to put on this tu tu and smother my chest with whipped cream before visiting my Hemi, and I don't know what the hell Martha was doing looking in that window, but she had a video camera.

Cuffit has enlisted the aid of former special prosecutor Kenneth Star, who agreed to join the investigation deeming the issue one of the gravest national importance. Both men expect to see results by the end of the week.


Al Qaida Endorses Bush 2004
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

The Al Qaida Terrorist Organization has endorsed George W. Bush for a second term as United States President and Commander in Chief of the countries armed forces. Abdul Bull Durham, spokesman for the Union of Thugs, Dead Enders, Losers and Assassins said, " Allah be praised, this President has been very good to our Union. First, he paid no attention to us as we planned the 9/11 attacks. Of course, he did attack our friends the Taliban in Afghanistan, which cost him some of our support, but then he also attacked Iraq, which we were very grateful for. This war removed one of our enemies in the Middle East, Saddam Hussein, and the distraction of preparing for war and occupying Iraq has allowed Osama bin Laden to evade capture for the last two and a half years, so it was a wash there.

"On the up side Mr. Bush, through his toppling of Hussein has given us access to innumerable weapons and explosives and has sent us many American soldiers to use them on. We don't even need to buy a plane ticket to go to America to kill Americans now and with travel budgets being what they are these days, that's a real help. Plus it's just not safe to fly; the right hand doesn't always know what the left hand is doing and we could accidentally be blown up by one of our own. On the global front he has done much more than to destroy America's standing in the world than we ever could have. He has our thanks. Four More Years!"

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " Normally we wouldn't want the endorsement of the U.T.D.E.L&A., but with the President's popularity being what it is these days, we'll take whatever we can get."


Drew Carey Unveils New Underwear Line

Hollywood, CA---

Today at the Entertainers in Fashion's annual spring exposition celebrity and actor Drew Carey shocked the fashion community when he unveiled his new fashion line of women's underwear for men.

"I was shocked," stated New York supermodel Sin D. Crawfish. "I knew that Drew had a fashion line in the works, but I always thought it would be something tasteful like crotchless panties or big men's leather boxers. I never imagined it would be something as creative as women's underwear for men. Drew has certainly been thinking outside of the buns with this one."

"Carey is a true innovator," said industry spokesperson Bud E Buninschpect. "Men have had to deal with the problem of poorly fitting women's underwear since the dawn of time. Now here is a man who has created the ideal underwear for men who refuse to wear women's underwear that was made for the average women's curves."

When asked about his new innovative panty line Carey had this to say about the situation:

"No longer will men have to hide in shame because they can't fit into their wives' or girlfriends' panties. Men can finally come out of the panty closet and wear their panties with pride. We will be silenced no more!"


Ex-Lesbian Says No More Bush!

Sarah Lipton was your every-day NRA membership card carrying, gun toting lesbian. Mild mannered, even tempered, Lipton had a reputation for being pro-Bush although she maintains at the time she liked Bush, she wasn't so sure about Dick. Then Sarah met fellow gun toting lesbian Anna Bama.

"The more I spent time with Anna, the more I began to learn about Bush, the more I grew to dislike Bush. In fact, I'm proud to say that I'm fed up with Bush! I've have had nothing but Bush for the last four years. Bush is dirty, hairy, and always seems to be in dire need of a good cleaning. I think it's time for a man to step up to the plate and show Bush who's boss.

"All that wasted time, loving Bush and hating Dick, I could have had a much more constructive life. And it intrudes into my family life. Why, when I go home to my parent's house--it's all I can do to tune out my little brother. 'Sarah loves Bush! Sarah loves Bush!' You'd think the little bastard would grow up a little, ya know?"

When asked if Sarah was really over Bush, she replied "I don't think you can really get over Bush; I know I never will. But I promised myself, come November I will do whatever I can to be rid of Bush."


The Day After Tommorrow
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

President George W. Bush has cancelled all his appointments and fund raising trips for the next week after viewing a White House screening of the film 'The Day After Tomorrow'. The President, apparently believing the film was actually a Homeland Security Brief, immediately had most of his entire staff moved to a secret location in the Rocky Mountains to save himself from the impending tidal waves. He also sent Senators Tom Daschle and Ted Kennedy as well as House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi an all expense paid vacation to Virginia Beach.

Clad in scuba gear, a parka, snowshoes and carrying an umbrella and snow shoes, the President was seen boarding Air Force One dragging his wife Laura kicking and screaming aboard, while panicked White House Staff ran around the plane waving their arms wildly and crying.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, " Look, I know it's just a movie and Kerry's more of a destructive force to us than any tidal wave, but I'm still pissed off. Do you know that prick wouldn't let me on the plane with him? I figured I'd go along and get a free trip to Aspen for the weekend, but as I was going up the stairs to board the plane he kicked me in the face and knocked me down the steps screaming, 'There's not enough food for all of us! We need the space for women to help repopulate the planet. You can't go!' Man, that hurt. After all I've done for him."

Also Left Behind were Secretary of State Colin Powell, CIA Director George Tenet and Treasurer Secretary John Snow.


Saddam Hussein Remains Defiant

Saddam Hussein remained defiant while in Coalition custody Thursday as Coalition chefs brought Saddam's nightly meal. Wearing gray pajamas underneath a pair of green lederhosen, Saddam pushed away his tray of food.

"I don't want a fucking Big Mac," Saddam allegedly told his guards. "It's just a plot by the pig capitalist Bush to get reelected in November. If I eat this Big Mac, I will be symbolically accepting the American way of life and democracy. It would be a moral coup for the Bush Administation, the same thing they did to Kuwait."

"Damn that Saddam is a wiley one," President Bush was overheard saying. "It's like the son of a bitch can read my mind. It's uncanny."

Bush sent in a group of military analysts to see if they could talk Saddam into a more cooperative mood, offering the former dictator a Chicken McNuggets Happy Meal as a peace offering.

Analysts were soon able to get Saddam to eat. Saddam felt that the Happy Meal, while not a propaganda tool, was not manly enough for a former Iraqi dictator. Military analysts were able to placate the former dicator by offering him an Adult Happy Meal, but only on the condition that the pedometer that comes with the meal was replaced with a standard Happy Meal toy.


The Hollywood Crack Whore Diet: The Latest in Fad Diets

Move over Atkins, here comes the Hollywood Crack Whore Diet, the only diet proven to let you lose the pounds and keep them off.

"With this new diet fat people can go from big freak to heroin sheik in just one month," Sandra Bellbutt former PITA spokesmodel said in an interview.

"I tried it for only two days and I was hooked. The more I took, the less I ate and felt I needed to eat. At one point it didn't matter if I had access to food. I spent so much on crack, I couldn't afford it anymore."

"And the excerise regimen is wonderful," she added. "The things you'll do to get your supplements," she said with a wink. When asked to elaborate, she had this to say:

"It ain't called the crack whore diet for nothing."

When asked if Mary Kate Olsen was a diet particpant, Bellbutt laid the rumors to rest.

"I wouldn't sell to Mary Kate Olsen. Anyone who could naturally be that stinkin thin without supplementation deserves to be left out of something as wonderful as the Hollywood Crack Whore Diet. Anorexia! Everyone should be so damn lucky!"


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Iraq Attacks Afghanistan
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In a surprising twist to Near and Middle Eastern affairs, the newly installed Iraqi Interim Government has declared war on Afghanistan. This puts the American Government, who have Occupation Forces in both countries in the unique position of having to fight itself.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Sure, itís a bitch, but what can we do? We promised to abide by the new governments' decrees. Ghazi al-Yawer got pissed off at Hamed Karzai, I think it was a pipeline thing, and pretty soon words got exchanged. Karzai called al-Yawer a towel headed muffin and al-Yawer called Karzai a Dick Cheney wannabe. The next thing you know our forces in Iraq went over and bombed our forces in Afghanistan."

Speaking on the condition of even more anonymity Waterhouse continued, "The good news is, Iím gonna make millions with my defense stocks. The bad news is of course that once again, the Administration is gonna look a bit silly, but I think we can get past that. You see no matter how it turns out, at least weíre gonna win this one."


It's a game, it's a cult, it's a Weapon of Mass Destruction.
By
Simon Hembra -- Contributing Author

In their mounting attempts to find the hidden Weapons of Mass Destruction said to exist in Iraq, the government has announced it's intentions to pay several 'Where's Wally' experts to advise them on likely locations.

In the first time citizens have been employed in such a way since WW2, the winners of a national 'Where's Wally' competition will be recruited by the government to aid in top secret plans to step up the WMD hunt.

While information is currently sketchy Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld, announced at a press conference that the experts would be required to analyze satellite images of Iraq and circle the areas where they thought WMD's or Osama might be.

Mark Hanford, creator of 'Where's Wally' was asked to design over thirty new pictures for the competition being held this Friday.

When asked to comment on his new drawings Mr Hanford said he was sworn to secrecy, but added that it posed a new challenge to him as he wasn't used to drawing so many turbans.

Rumsfeld confirmed that the pictures are based on Hanford's original work, but instead of searching for the friendly character in red and white, the 'Wally spotters' are searching for bombs, a disguised Osama bin Laden and anyone who looks 'likely to be a terrorist.'

Reports as to whether or not Osama will be wearing a bobble hat are unclear.

Posters of Uncle Sam, decked out in the red and white trademark of 'Wally mania', pointing at Osama bin laden and stating ' I WANT HIM!' can already be seen all over the country as Friday's competion draws even closer.

The move comes two and a half years after the War against Terror first began, with the aim to liberate Iraq and capture Osama bin Laden along with his 'Weapons of Terror'. Having captured Saddam Hussein by mistake, coalition forces are still combing Iraq's deserts, buildings and public toilets for signs of the WMD's and their owner.

George Bush continues to ridicule suggestions that the WMD's do not exist despite multiple denials by Al-Qaeda of ever owning such weapons, the claims being called 'Boo-yah'[bullsh*t] by Olivier Yusef Labin Namet, head Jihad Trainer.

'[The weapons of mass destruction] pose an even greater threat if we cannot see them,' Mr Bush stated, 'just like the time that Laura cleaned the sliding glass door to our back garden.

Meanwhile Osama bin Laden lives on, hidden somewhere amongst the caves and dens of Iraq's borders, his biggest worry now that soon someone will point a chewed up pencil at him, push their glasses back up their nose and shout 'There he is!'


Today's Hollowscope

Leo: Beware of flatulence today as you go about your daily tasks. Especially avoid leaning over in front of your boss, he may not live to regret it.

Virgo: Those patriotic feelings you've felt growing in your chest are starting to influence your life in ways that you'd never expected. So what if you like to prance around the shopping mall in a star spangled tutu with an M-16 slung over your shoulder while singing God Save the Queen at the top of your lungs. It's a free country, right?

Libra: Remember how you've always wanted to tell your boss what you think of him? Go ahead and tell that son of a bitch what for! Deep down, he truly respects what you think and will act according to your best interests.

Scorpio: Remember that pain in the ass Libra you've always wanted to fire? Well buddy, we just paved the way. Be sure door hits ass on the way out.

Sagittarius: Those feelings of paranoia about your feelings of paranoia are well founded. You are in fact paranoid that you might be paranoid about paranoia. In fact, that paranoia you are feeling about being paranoid might in fact be caused by your other feelings of paranoia, the feelings that tell you might not be feeling paranoid enough about not feeling too paranoid about the situation at hand. So in fact you have the right to feel paranoid about not being paranoid enough about a lack of paranoia about being paranoid. Hang in there champ. There will be a tomorrow - we think.

Capricorn: Monday evening, someone will be dancing outside the store you work at dressed in a star spangled tutu singing "God Save the Queen." Give in to the impulse to dress in accompanying star-spangled tights and dance costume and join the festivities, but watch your hands; that gun toting tutu wearing princess is not only a crack shot with the M-16, but a master of martial arts as well. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Aquarius: The stars tell me that Biff Bundlemaker your high school bully will be ordering a coconut cream pie at approximately 7:45 PM on Saturday night at Mary Dayplanner's family restraunt. This gives you exactly five days to apply for a job, get trained as a pastry chef and request work on Saturday evening just to have the sole satisfaction of adding several choicely vile "special" ingredients to his meal when no one's looking. Well, what are you waiting for slacker? Get to it!

Pisces: That special someone you think has the hots for you has the hots for you. Unfortunately for you there's the issue of the sex change no one knows about that will cause you problems in the near future. But who's sex change is it? Yours or your special someone's?

Aries: Fight that impulse Wednesday afternoon to call the cop that pulls you over a pansy faced gun toting afterbirth of an introverted roto-rooted dental hygienist. He gets sensitive when others bring up his past and may give you a ticket out of spite.

Taurus: No matter how loudly that jackass across the street tells you to get out of the road, stand your ground. The driver of the bus that's about to hit you should have just enough time to swerve out of the way.

Gemini: So baby, what's your sign? Do you frequent the Hollowscope often? Me? Oh I'm here every time the Hollowscope's around. Wanna get a few drinks, maybe come over for a nightcap? Don't worry baby, I don't bite - much.

Cancer: Aliens have landed in your backyard and you have fifteen minutes to stop total world annihilation. I know we're all probably doomed relying on you to save the day and I'm trying to not be pessimistic about our odds, but you have to convince the aliens that Earth would not be a worthy target of conquest. Look pal, you can give it to me straight - we're screwed right? We are? Just great, that nightmare I had about being a sex slave to a three armed, six eyed five hundred seventy-five pound alien ground sloth are just about to come true. Thanks a lot pal.


Americans Everywhere Cheer End of Assault Weapons Ban
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Americans everywhere are cheering the end of the assault weapons ban placed into effect by a Clinton era White House.

"The nightly news has just been so damn boring lately," Dan Steeplelogger visiting from Bedrock Arkansas told the FarceHaven Friday evening at a local strip club. "Why I can't remember the last time some lunatic got out an uzi and gunned down a bus load of nuns. I had to settle for the occasional handgun shooting. Dull, dull, dull."

"There is this misconception that the ban on assault weapons has anything to do with the suprisingly low crime rate we Americans are enjoying now," Republican analyst Jarret Chaffmybritches said about the ban. "And this notion that we may be making it easier for terrorists to get assault grade weaponry without having to smuggle it here is ridiculous."

Bubba Beerbelcher of the National Rifle And Assault Weaponry Association had to add his two cents.

"It's every American's right to have rifles complete with bayonets, flash suppressors and armor piercing bullets. You never know when you'll have to protect your family from an intruder by ventilating him with about thirty rounds of ammunitation. Now all we have to do is win us the next step and get that damned bazooka and hand grenade ban lifted and I can live a happy life."


Bush Recalled to Active Duty

The Texas Air national Guard has taken the extraordinary step of recalling President George W. Bush back to active service to be deployed to Iraq. President Bush, who nearly served in the Guard in the early seventies was deemed eligible for service despite his current age of 57. An unnamed source in the Guard was quoted as saying, " We were all sitting around the Officers Club getting drunk one night, trying to figure out how to bring our enlistments back up to meet our quota's and there was Bush on TV at his ranch in Crawford cutting brush and looking pretty fit. One thing led to another and we all crowded back to Headquarters and wrote him a letter demanding he return to active duty. I don't know, it seemed pretty funny after five or six Alabama Slammers."

What may have started as a good-natured prank among some drunken Guard buddies just might end in tears. Apparently, when Mr. Bush received the letter from the Texas Air National Guard he immediately took off on Air Force One and went into hiding and none of his White House Staff can locate him. While normally the absence of George Bush for an extended period of time would be no great liability as Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz handle all the day to day and long term policy decisions for the Administration, the Presidents disappearing act may become a severe problem during this current election cycle.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " Wouldn't you know it, just when we need to trot the little jerk out in public he goes AWOL again...uh, I mean, for the first time. No, I mean he's not AWOL at all, he's just not here right now. Jesus, why do I bother talking to you? Look, what I'm trying to say is that as soon as he checks in and tells us where the hell he's hiding we're gonna clear up this mess. The idiots who sent that letter have already been re-assigned to Guantanamo Bay and not as guards if you know what I mean."


Gangsta Rappa for President
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Recently, President George Bush has been quoted as being 'pleased with the progress' in Iraq, fueling outtrage in the hearts of at least one American patriot.

"You know, I was watching TV for a minizzle," Gangsta Rappa Beyach My Beyach told the FarceHaven Wednesday afternoon, "and here this Texas homeboy is telling me he's pleased with the pro-gress he's made in Iraq. Who's he think he's fooling?

"Jessica Lynch may be one of the greatest stories outta the war, but I ain't fooled. It looks good for Bush right now, but that whole fiasco shouldn'ta happened in the first place. We've also got over a thousand dead soldiers, the CIA says there's gonna be civil war and the man's expecting more violence -- and he's pleased with progress there? What kind of crap's he talkin'?"

When asked about his platform, Beyach replied. "I stand on a platform of two hoes for every hoopty. I believe in the right of the little guy to become so freaking rich that the big guys just goyta say Damn Beyach!"

When asked what he thought about opposition candidate Ralph Nader, Beyach responded, "Ralph Nader? You mean Darth Vader. Who's going to vote for someone who's name sounds like that?"


Studios Unveil New Fall Line Up
By
Mari Plante -- Staff Writer

-Hollywood, CA-

In a scheduled press conference today the big 3 studios unveiled the new shows that will be appearing in the fall line-up. Some of the front runners this season are:

Who Wants to Marry My Lesbian Grammy

This show is about a young man on a quest to find the perfect hottie for his 65 year old lesbian grandma. Included in the bunch looking for granny love are an ex-porn star looking for true love and an Amish gal in her mid-twenties who has just left her way of life and is looking for her very own suga mama. Watch out as these lovelies match wits and brawn in their quest for the love of a 65 year old grammy.

The Ugly Duckling

In this new reality based series cameras follow the lives of 8 beautiful models who have grown sick and tired of being loved for their looks and have decided that they no longer want to be beautiful. These models compete in a series of contests to decide who will win the chance to have millions of dollars in cosmetic surgery in order to become an ugly or average looking person. The competition includes such contests as folding a fitted sheet, washing a load of laundry and cooking a fine dinner of beanie weenies.

Who Wants to Win a Sex Change Operation?

This trendy and versatile new reality series follow the lives of Drew Tinkleberry, Samantha Nearschtick, and Paulo Illiambro who are all competing for the opportunity to go under the knife and recieve the coveted prize of a sex change. What's the twist? Instead of the operation, winners will actually recieve a full make over that will in effect enhance their masculinity or femininity. Basically, the people going in as males will become even more male, enjoying steroid treatments (passed off as estrogen treatment) and body sculpting regimens. Women in the competition will recieve a complete face life and breast and butt implants.

While most American TV goers are looking forward to this new lineup, only time will tell how many actually toss their televisions out the window.


Army of One Shot in Iraq. US Seeks New Army
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield announced in a press conference Thursday that the Army Of One was shot during a routine fuel supply mission outside Fallujah, Iraq. Secretary Rumsfield also announced at the same press conference that the Pentagon is now seeking a replacement Army of One.

"Some people have claimed we sent in too small a force into Iraq, but look who's got the last laugh now?" Rumsfield reportedly told reporters. "Our Army of One singlehandedly toppled an insidious regime."

Civilian Military Analyst Douglas V Boondogle offered the FarceHaven a different view of the situation.

"Sending in too small of a military force is part of what has caused this disaster in Iraq," Boondogle told the FarceHaven. "I suggested sending in an Army of Two or an Army of Three, but Rummy wouldn't hear of it. Budget constraints he told us. What bullshit."

The Bush administration has been sharply criticized in the past year for sending too small of a force; Jim Blarneystone, leader of the Democratic Outsider/Insiders 527 organization told the FarceHaven, "I told them and I told them not to send in our only Army of One, but the idiots wouldn't listen. Contrary to what the administration seem to believe, our people are irreplacable and precious commodities, especially in small numbers. Now we got all those poor reservists stuck there as well, many of whom got pulled from thier civilian jobs to do the exact same job at the same location for a tiny fraction of the pay they deserve. God bless the personnell of the United States Army, Air Force, Navy and Marine Corps. We love you all; we hope you all come home soon. We can't imagine the hardships all of you have suffered and can't image the road ahead for each and every one of you, but we will never stop wishing you all a safe journey home."


Rumsfeld Unveils List of Approved Tortures
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, amid increasing calls for his resignation, continues to express outrage at the photographs and reports that have surfaced of US troops inflicting psychological torture on Iraqis in Abu-Ghraib prison but to defend the psychological torture inflicted elsewhere in Iraq and Afghanistan.

As Rumsfeld explained to reporters, "Our lawyers have told us that sleep deprivation, dietrary changes, and forced exercise regimens are acceptable under the Geneva Convention. And since we have veto power and we never signed the Stockholm Treaty, that means what we say is legal is all that really matters."

However, because the distinction is not clear to many Americans, an effort has been made to clarify the difference between legal and illegal forms of torture. To this end, Rumsfeld has released a list of acceptable and unacceptable forms of torture for use on political prisoners.

Highlights of the list include:

---Forcing a prisoner to do push-ups is acceptable. Forcing a prisoner to do push-ups in the nude is questionable. Forcing a prisoner to do push-ups in the nude on top of another nude prisoner is unacceptable.

---"Dietary changes" are acceptable, but under the new guidelines, soldiers cannot force-feed pork to prisoners. The list does not comment on the legality of telling them it's actually veal, or making them pick it out of a casserole if they don't want it.

---Making prisoners retrieve food from a toilet is now unacceptable unless it is on a tin plate, as described in the Geneva Convention.

---Forcing prisoners to watch propaganda videos is acceptable. Forcing prisoners to watch pornography is questionable. Forcing prisoners to watch Barney is cruel and unusual.

---Interrogating prisoners on television violates the Geneva Convention, as was pointed out when US soldiers were interviewed on Al-Jazeera. However, Rumsfeld has no problem with televising a prisoner's medical exam.

The list also stipulates that "No US soldier may force a prisoner to renounce a religion in which he or she believes, nor to swear fealty to a religion in which he or she does not believe." This statement was approved by three international lawyers before a copy editor pointed out that it does not specify whether "he or she" refers to the prisoner or the soldier. The proofreader has since been fired, and the lawyers have not been asked to re-evaluate.

To facilitate the acceptance of this new policy, President Bush has called for the demolition of Abu-Ghraib Prison, on the basis of a lesson he learned in college: that it is easier to learn from our mistakes after the physical evidence has been destroyed.


U.S. Inspectors Find Weapon of Mouse Destruction
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

Those who predicted that weapons of mass destruction would be found in Iraq are claiming vindication now over trace amounts of sarin gas following detonation of a fifteen-year-old warhead that was being used as a doorstop. While none of the soldiers on the scene were harmed, laboratory tests have confirmed that the amount of sarin in the warhead was sufficient to kill small mammals in a controlled environment.

Pundits have been quick to point out the importance of this find.

"This is the most dastardly form of terrorism," Said radio personality Rush Limbaugh. "A soldier can defend himself. Even a man on the street, or a child can defend himself. But these terrorists were targeting the truly helpless--America's gerbils, hamsters, and guinea pigs.

"Sarin gas in quantities sufficient to kill mice can only mean one thing," according to radio host Sean Hannity: "They're going after Disney World.

"The secular Sunni terrorists in Iraw were going to give these weapons to the fundamentalist Shiites of Al Qaeda, who would in turn transport them to the Godless Communists in Cuba, for a direct assault on Mickey Mouse in his home base in Orlando."

Americans are divided over whether this constitutes justification for the war in Iraq. While some are offended by the potential to kill small rodents to consider it worth killing thousands of Iraqi civilians and several hundred U.S. personnel, others are too bothered by recent reports of the torture of Iraqi prisoners. "To justify torture," said columnist George F. Will, "We ought to at least find a stockpile of rat poison."

Still others say that evidence of rat poison will be found in a house-to-house search. "Now that we know what we're looking for," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld," it's only going to get easier. I feel confident that a house-to-house search will yield pesticides and even highly lethal mousetraps. And you can bet our boys won't be photographing the strip-searches this time.

In other news, President Bush is seeking congressional authority to invade the Danish city of Hamelin, where it is purported that a large number of rats can be found in a watery mass grave beneath the river Weser, where they were drowned en masse centuries ago by a terrorist with a flute.


Buddist Monks Throw Beer Bash in The Bronx
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Five hundred and seventy seven Buddist Monks were arrested Friday evening in what New York Police have dubbed the biggest, wildest NYC Buddhist kegger of all time.

"It was the purest form of insanity, I've ever seen on this planet," Joe Officer told the FarceHaven in an exlusive interview. "You had monks in their underwear, monks dressed in drag and there was this one guy with a lampshade--yeah--you think lampshade, big deal, but you don't want to know where this guy had his lampshade stuck if you know what I'm saying."

Several non-Buddists were severely injured in the rave.

"I was a complete jackass," Samual T Headslammer told the Tribune. "Like I thought I could mosh with those monks. Metallica fans couldn't mosh with those monks. I was in the pit for one, maybe two seconds and the next thing I know I have sixty fractured vertebrae, eight broken teeth and a torn jockstrap. You had to be nuts to slam with those freaks."

"At one point," Suzy Bystander confider, "one of them jumped up on a table, sniffed up a line of coke and bit the head off a bat. Then I went -- 'hey man, it's Ozzy. Hi Ozzy!'"

News of this event took New Yorker by storm and within minutes of the bust, the streets were flooded with vendors selling "I got drunk with the monks" t-shirts, watches and other high quality memorabilia. If you, a friend or dear family relative would be interested in purchasing said memorabilia, please visit www.drunkwithamonk.com. Most memorabilia can be purchased in six easy payments of $999.95.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Charity Blackemire
Chuck Terzella
John & Mari Plante
John Plante
Mari Plante

Contributing Writers:
David Sklar
Jason Scott
Robert Pingatore
Simon Hembra

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself