November 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 10
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 November 15th - 30th  November 1st - 14th  October 15th - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Saddam Released on Technicality
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was released yesterday without charges when an Iraqi judge ruled that his arrest had been improperly executed. "The warrant," explained Judge Iran Amok, "clearly specified weapons of mass destruction, and did not mention mass graves or other zoning violations. The Statute of Limitations is also an issue, as all of the charges are over a decade old, and some date back to the 1980s. Further, because this warrant was not issued by an authorized body, this court has no choice but to release without prejudice this brutal, inhuman monster."

Before the judge released him, Mr. Hussein offered, in exchange for a reduced sentence, to identify the foreign power that had supplied him with chemical weapons in the 1980s and stood behind his worst excesses, but prosecutors weren't interested. Even after his release, Saddam offered to name his suppliers and backers, but the prosecutor stuck his fingers in his ears and chanted "NA NA NA NA I CAN'T HEAR YOU NA NA NA NA" until the former dictator went away.

But the ordeal isn't over for Saddam. With criminal charges dropped, he still has to face impeachment proceedings. However, because of the botched arrest, prosecutors are concerned that due process may require Saddam's return to power.

Plaintiff's attorneys are more hopeful, however, in the civil proceedings. Because the evidentiary rules in civil court are not as strong, there is a good chance that the twenty-five million plaintiffs will each walk away with a portion of the $50,000 US that was on Saddam's person at the time of capture and an equal share of the charred and broken remnants of his estate that could be found after the initial looting frenzy.


Buddist Monks Throw Beer Bash in The Bronx
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Five hundred and seventy seven Buddist Monks were arrested Friday evening in what New York Police have dubbed the wildest NYC biggest, Buddhist kegger of all time.

"It was the purest form of insanity, I've ever seen on this planet," Joe Officer told the FarceHaven in an exlusive interview. "You had monks in their underwear, monks dressed in drag and there was this one guy with a lampshade--yeah--you think lampshade, big deal, but you don't want to know where this guy had his lampshade stuck if you know what I'm saying."

Several non-Buddists were severely injured in the rave.

"I was a complete jackass," Samual T Headslammer told the Tribune. "Like I thought I could mosh with those monks. Metallica fans couldn't mosh with those monks. I was in the pit for one, maybe two seconds and the next thing I know I have sixty fractured vertebrae, eight broken teeth and a torn jockstrap. You had to be nuts to slam with those freaks."

"At one point," Suzy Bystander confider, "one of them jumped up on a table, sniffed up a line of coke and bit the head off a bat. Then I went -- 'hey man, it's Ozzy. Hi Ozzy!'"

News of this event took New Yorker by storm and within minutes of the bust, the streets were flooded with vendors selling "I got drunk with the monks" t-shirts, watches and other high quality memorabilia. If you, a friend or dear family relative would be interested in purchasing said memorabilia, please visit www.drunkwithamonk.com. Most memorabilia can be purchased in six easy payments of $999.95.


Bush Promises Troops Everything Needed
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

President George W. Bush, speaking from the campaign trail, has once again assured voters that Troops in Iraq will get all the equipment and supplies they need to "finish the job." Speaking to a carefully screened crowd who were forced to sign loyalty oaths and pledge to die for their Commander in Chief, Mr. Bush said, "I was in the military so I know what our boys need and Iíll make sure they get it. They need ice for their drinks, good dental care, cool looking uniforms and maybe a hit or two of coke."

Flashing his trademark smirk, Mr. Bush continued, "Thatís what got me through my service to my country. John Kerry says our troops need ammunition, body armor and water. Hell, I never needed any of that stuff and I spent almost a whole eight months flying missions, keeping the skies over Texas free of those evil North Vietnamese thugs. My message to the troops is this: John Kerry doesnít know how to fight a war, I do. John Kerry actually left the country during the Vietnam War rather than serve in the National Guard, the coward. Then, rather than come home and make America a better place by getting himself an oil company or baseball team he decided to spend thirty years in public service prosecuting criminals and serving in the Senate. Is that what we want in our leader? I sure hope not."

Private H. Elpme, speaking in a phone interview from Fallujah said, "Body Armor is actually pretty overrated, especially when a bomb goes off under your Humvee. Look, 8,000 guys have been wounded here since the war began and I hear that some of them had been issued body armor. Body armor wonít keep your arms or legs attached, dude."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Yeah, I know, on paper John Kerryís voluntary service in a war zone and years as a prosecutor and Senator looks a lot better than George Bushís desertion, bankrupt oil company and baseball team, but Americans donít care about that stuff. After all, how many Americans served their country? All that public service makes regular Americans look bad. Given the choice, theyíre gonna go with someone like George Bush fucked around for most of his life before becoming President. It gives them hope that one day theyíll actually be able to do something with their lives. Of course, most Americans donít have millions of dollars and a father who ran the CIA, but what the hell, all you need is a dollar and dream."


Gay Marriages Threaten. . . Um. . . Something, Probably
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

With gay marriages increasingly in the news, several religious groups are upset about what they see as a threat to their own traditional rights. While these marriages are generally performed by civil authorities without religious affiliation, many contend that giving equal rights to gays threatens their own religious freedom.

"These things donít' happen in a vacuum," says Simeon Features, president and founder of Christians Against Everyone Else. "Once the government has made a ruling, the churches will follow suit. That's what happened during the Inquisition, and now we know that was bad. Do we want that to happen again? Of course not. The only way to preserve separation of church and state is if the government does whatever we tell it to."

"The vice of the Sodomites is the most insidious of all temptations," says Father Rob Peters. "I take my celibacy very seriously, but I love officiating at weddings. Especially the big lavish ones. If I were asked to preside over a same-sex wedding, I'm not sure I could resist. I mean, those Sodomites have such wonderful style and taste."

First it was redheads, then it was southpaws, then the blacks and the Jews," says John Smith of the group Christians for Conformity. "Now the homos want the same rights as other people? What's the point of being a white male straight right-handed Christian with blond or brown hair if you can't deny civil liberties to anyone else?"

To find out if there is cause for concern, we asked heterosexuals whether the availability of same-sex unions will affect the sanctity of their marriages.

"Absafrickinlutely," says James, a steelworker. "As soon as it's legal in my state, I'm dumpin' my wife of 20 years and gettin' hitched to Benny in Accounting. The way I see it, Benny doesn't care about my beer gut, and he won't mind if I flirt with the ladies, so that sounds like a pretty good deal."

"Homosexual couples may think they're happy, but really they aren't," says Helen, a mother of four, over her third martini. "The only way a person can find true happiness--Jimmy, stop that--is by obeying the Lord's commandment to be fruitful and multiply. A homosexual union cannot produce offspring--Stop that; I said NO!--so these unnatural couples are missing out on the greatest source of true fulfillment--Don't make me come over there--that God has given us: the joy of raising a--dammit, Jimmy, WE DON'T VACUUM THE CAT!"

"At first I thought it'd be OK to get married, 'cause that's what grownups do," explains Jimmy, age 8, "but then I found out being married means kissing, and thatís just gross. So I think it's better if you can marry a guy, 'cause then you don't have to do all that yucky kissing and stuff."

"These relationships are just unstable," says Sarah, a telemarketer. "I mean, I read about that lesbian couple who were together for 50 years before they were married, and that just screams fear of commitment. I mean, if I'm with someone 6 months and he doesn't at least start talking about a ring, then I'm out the door, looking for greener pastures. Am I supposed to be happy that people are getting married when they let someone walk all over them like this?"

Still others hint at a more insidious agenda. "If gay marriage is legal," says J Edgar Bergen of the McCarthy Foundation, "then what's to stop them from legalizing polygamy and incest? And if gay marriage, polygamy, and incest are legal, then what's to stop everyone from marrying everyone else? And once everyone's married to everyone, you know what you've got? Universal health coverage. 'Cause anyone can just say, ĎI'm going on my husband's health plan,í and they've all got the same husband. So gay marriage is really a front for the socialized medicine that the Godless Communists have been trying to push on us since the Clinton years."

President Bush responded to the rise in same-sex weddings by endorsing a Constitutional amendment against them. "The Constitution is full of freedoms for Americans," said President Bush. "Isn't it time we wrote some limits into the thing?"

Televangelist Jerry Falwell expressed support for the Constitutional amendment. "America needs to set some limits," Falwell said. "We haven't had a Constitutional amendment curtailing freedom since Prohibition was repealed in 1933, and I say it's about time. People say that prohibition led to drug abuse and organized crime, but we still have prohibition in Lynchburg, and we don't have any problems. Why, if you could buy and sell liquor here, I shudder to think how big that Jack Daniels company down the street might be."

Biblical scholars are divided on exactly how to treat homosexuals. While the Old Testament appears to suggest that homosexuality is more sinful than eating oysters and less sinful than working on Saturday, the teachings of Christ seem more ambiguous. Conservative religious scholars interpret the statement "All men are brothers" to mean that sex between two men is incestuous, while others find a clear endorsement of the gay lifestyle in Mark 7:15, when Christ says, "There is nothing outside of a man that by going into him can defile him." Still others, however, insist that while this may permit the eating of pork, it does not apply to the other white meat.


Fox Pundits Explain Contradictory Epithets
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh, who has characterized presidential candidate John Kerry as a flip-flopper and also as the most liberal member of the Senate, responded nonchalantly when reporters asked him how it was possible for one man to be both.

"Well that's what these liberals are like," said Limbaugh. "You can't trust them; they'll trick you any way they can."

"But," said one reporter, "to be the most liberal senator, one would have to hold strongly to a liberal position. So is he a flip-flopper, as you call him, or is he an extremist, as you also call him?

Limbaugh paused momentarily, apparently surprised to hear a probing question from a member of the press. "Why does it matter?" Limbaugh asked. " Last year, I proved that 117% of people think the media are liberal. Do you really think my audience cares about logic?"

"I don't see the problem," said fellow commentator Sean Hannity, "I mean Alan [Colmes] represents the liberal view on my show, and he never sticks to his guns."

"Well, actually," co-host Colmes began, but stopped himself when Hannity looked at him sternly.

"Shut up! Just SHUT UP!" commentator Bill O'Reilly added.

Nevertheless, Newsweek spokeswoman Rosanna Maietta insisted that Fox News does not have a conservative bias. "Surveys show that over half of Fox viewers believe the network is Fair and Balanced(TM)," Ms. Maietta explained. "And you know if they weren't we'd tell you--because we're liberal media."


Kerry, Bush Court America's Undecided Voters
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

The drama of the Bush and Kerry campaigns took an unexpected twist Monday evening as the Bush and Kerry campaigns began to court undecided voters.

Bush personally hand-delivered a dozen single-stemmed roses and a box of choclates to each citizen of Lonely Pines Nebraska while Kerry took to seranading the citizenry of Tempting Fates Arkansas with his angelic voice and electric bass. Kerry's caterwalling was soon reinforced by former President-elect Bill Clinton's bluesy saxaphone intonations as the pair attemtped to woe voters for this coming November election.

The presumtive candidate's sets included such classics as "Without You," "Since I Don't Have You," and a duet with Former President Clinton of "I Got You Babe."

"This dating scene's a bitch," Steve Shambless, political advisor to the Bush campain told the FarceHaven. "You can give a voter choclates and whisper your sweet nothings, but courting ain't what it used to be and the competition's fierce. It's all about the one-upmanship."

When asked what he meant, Shambless replied, "Well take Kerry singing and Bill Clinton backing him up. Bush knew roses and choclates wasn't going to stack up to that, so he got himself an electric accordian and members of his cabinet. We strapped poor Rummy into a pair of green liederhossen and gave him a tuba. Condelesa ended up playing the fiddle and General Colin Powell himself backed us up on the electric clarinet. We covered everything from the Beastie Boys, to Metallica to NKOTB. And from that meager start, we polkaed with the citizens of Lonely Pines till the sun don't shine no more."


Republican Learns Belligerent Democrat Is His Own Son
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

Phil Parlock, who has made news in 1996 when he alleged that a "hard-core Democrat" knocked him down and took the anti-Clinton sign he was holding at a Democratic rally, in 2000 when he claimed that people snatched away all twelve of the Bush/Cheney signs he had sneaked into a Gore rally, and again this year when he said that a "union guy" made his 3-year old daughter Sophia cry by grabbing the Bush/Cheney sign out of her hands and ripping it to pieces, was surprised to learn that the assailant was, in fact, his own 23-year-old son Phil Parlock II.

Upon learning of this from the Internet, Parlock reportedly said, "What? But...why that little..."

"Itís not fair," said 11-year-old Alex Parlock. "The one time I ripped up Dadís TV Guide, I was grounded for 3 months. But this has been going on for 8 years, and Phil is only locked in his room until after the election."

On Monday night, Phil II climbed down the oak tree outside his bedroom window to talk to reporters. "Iím surprised it took Dad this long to figure it out," said the younger Phil. "I mean the first time, when I was fifteen, I just wanted his attention--but then he got so mad I didnít want him to know it was me. So I gave him 4 whole years to cool off, and the second time was kind of a joke. I figured that time heíd have to know something was up, especially by the time I'd grabbed the twelfth sign, and we could have a laugh about it. But he had so much fun talking to reporters, I didn't want to let him down this year. I guess all good things come to an end. But this time I got to make Sophie cry. That was worth it."

Parlock has since come to terms with his sonís youthful rebellion. When asked about this turn of events most recently, Parlock responded, "I always thought that guy looked familiar."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

Contributing Writers:
David Sklar

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself