October 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 9
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 October 15th - 31st  October 1st - 14th  September 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

U.S. Inspectors Find Weapon of Mouse Destruction
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

Those who predicted that weapons of mass destruction would be found in Iraq are claiming vindication now over trace amounts of sarin gas following detonation of a fifteen-year-old warhead that was being used as a doorstop. While none of the soldiers on the scene were harmed, laboratory tests have confirmed that the amount of sarin in the warhead was sufficient to kill small mammals in a controlled environment.

Pundits have been quick to point out the importance of this find.

"This is the most dastardly form of terrorism," Said radio personality Rush Limbaugh. "A soldier can defend himself. Even a man on the street, or a child can defend himself. But these terrorists were targeting the truly helpless--America's gerbils, hamsters, and guinea pigs.

"Sarin gas in quantities sufficient to kill mice can only mean one thing," according to radio host Sean Hannity: "They're going after Disney World.

"The secular Sunni terrorists in Iraw were going to give these weapons to the fundamentalist Shiites of Al Qaeda, who would in turn transport them to the Godless Communists in Cuba, for a direct assault on Mickey Mouse in his home base in Orlando."

Americans are divided over whether this constitutes justification for the war in Iraq. While some are offended by the potential to kill small rodents to consider it worth killing thousands of Iraqi civilians and several hundred U.S. personnel, others are too bothered by recent reports of the torture of Iraqi prisoners. "To justify torture," said columnist George F. Will, "We ought to at least find a stockpile of rat poison."

Still others say that evidence of rat poison will be found in a house-to-house search. "Now that we know what we're looking for," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld," it's only going to get easier. I feel confident that a house-to-house search will yield pesticides and even highly lethal mousetraps. And you can bet our boys won't be photographing the strip-searches this time.

In other news, President Bush is seeking congressional authority to invade the Danish city of Hamelin, where it is purported that a large number of rats can be found in a watery mass grave beneath the river Weser, where they were drowned en masse centuries ago by a terrorist with a flute.


George W Bush Leads By Example

Not content with accusing their Democratic Presidential rival John Kerry with flip-flopping, the Bush Administration is attempting yet again to provide a current example of how the process actually works.

On Thursday, September 23rd Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he didnít think that elections in Iraq necessarily needed to encompass the entire country in order to be fair or binding. Speaking at one of his increasingly rare press conferences, Secretary Rumsfeld dismissed the idea that voting in a national election should be a right enjoyed by every citizen as "kinda loopy".

"If there were to be an area where the extremists focused during the election period, and an election was not possible in that area at that time, so be it." said Rumsfeld, blithely writing off a significant portion of Iraq as a voting entity. Rumsfeld of course backed down from his statement the very next day saying, "It was the Halderol talking yesterday, of course every Iraqi will get a chance to vote. I know a lot of them are dying to be able to cast their ballot and probably a lot more of them will die before they ever get a chance to, but hey, itís all good."

Deputy Secretary of State Richard (the other Dick in the White House) Armitage, speaking to a House of Representatives Committee said, "Weíve got to do our best efforts to [sic] get in troubled areas...I think weíre going to have these elections in all parts of the country, but then again I thought that all the smiling, happy, singing Iraqi peasants would be dancing and throwing flowers at us when we first took over their country."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "I think the American People should be able to tell what we mean when we say that this intolerable flip-flopping on the issues is what they can expect from John Kerry if he is elected. First heíll say there were weapons of mass destruction, then heíll say there werenít, heíll say Saddam was responsible for 9/11 then heíll say he wasnít. Heíll even let his Campaign Legal Advisor help put out adds questioning his opponents service then come out and publicly say he doesnít believe the lie he helped perpetrate."

When it was pointed out that these were flip-flops of the Bush Administration, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of really being believed said, "The American People sure do need a lot of examples, donít they?"


Candidates Purchase Norwegian-Language Ads
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

In an increasingly heated presidential campaign, the major candidates have recently purchased Norwegian-language ads to run in the swing states of the northern Midwest.

As with the Spanish ads running in the Southwest, these spots emphasize points that are expected to matter to voters in Wisconsin, Minnesota, and northern Michigan.

The Bush ad emphasizes that the President could've drunk you under the table, back before he gave it up. However, there is some question as to whether this ad will work, inasmuch as voters in Northern Michigan may consider it a lack of stamina to have quit drinking so young.

"Yeah, old man Heikkila still puts away half a keg a week, and he's a hundred and two," says Rudy Norquist of Negaunee, Michigan. "I don't know what this is with President Bush giving it up when he was only in his 40s or 50s. That sounds kind of wussy, if you ask me."

The Kerry spots are expected to emphasize that Senator Kerry is a decorated war veteran, and also that he is very very tall.

"You gotta respect a guy who can look you in the eye," says Sven Rudstrom, 6'8". "That pipsqueak we got in the White House, he can maybe look you in the kneecap if he stands on a chair."

The ads are intended to run on Norwegian-language radio and television stations, which may reach an audience of up to 30 people, and on local television and radio stations in the northern Midwest. At last report, President Bush was still trying to buy ad time on A Prairie Home Companion.

Ralph Nader, whose campaign cannot afford quite such localized advertising, has decided instead to focus his Midwestern campaign on Chicago, where he hopes his odds of winning will impress some Cubs fans.


White House Key Players to Retire

Reports from the White House recently suggest that if President George W. Bush manages to gain another four years in office several key players in his first four years will retire. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Colin Powell have all announced that they will leave the Administration at the end of this year.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Itís true. Condi Rice will leave to go try and find a brain, Donald Rumsfeld will go try to find a heart and Colin Powell will go to try and find his reputation."

When questioned as to likely replacements for the departing trio, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of even more anonymity said, "Well, obviously weíre gonna put Paul Wolfowitz in the Defense spot as a reward for the success in the Operation Iraqi Liberation (O.I.L.) War; after all, it was his baby from the start. As for the other two, we still want to make sure we got some Black Folks in the mix, so weíll probably move Elaine Chou over to State. As for National Security Advisor I donít think it really matters. Weíre not gonna have any real security as long as Bush is President so that job could be filled by Beavis and Butthead, or even Rudi Giuliani."

When it was pointed out that Elaine Chou is Asian American, not African American Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of oodles of anonymity said, "Asian American, Raisin American, do you think we really care? Sheís ethnic as all hell and thatís whatís important. Itís not like we ever listened to our Secretary of State during the first term so whatís the big deal? Besides, Chou is kinda cute for a non white girl."

When questioned as to whether John Ashcroft or Tom Ridge had expressed any plans to leave at the end of this term Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that this was his last paragraph said, "Just between you and me, weíd all like to see Ashcroft go but quite frankly weíre all too scared to ask him to leave. That is one freaky dude. Once you let a rabid attack dog in the house itís not that easy to get him to go away again. As for Ridge, weíre gonna keep him. George Bush not withstanding, itís nice to have a little comic relief now and then. Duck Tape and plastic, that still kills me."


U.S. Releases Strategic Oil Reserves
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham said yesterday that he was in negotiations with Oil Suppliers to release oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to relieve the disruptions of supplies caused by Hurricane Ivan and the Presidentís Middle East Policies. The announcement comes five and one half weeks before the heavily contested Presidential Election.

"As this Administration has stated consistently, the [Strategic Petroleum Reserve] was designed to protect American consumers against supply disruptions, including natural disasters," Abraham said, "and George W. Bush losing the upcoming election is as much of a Natural Disaster as any Neo-Con could contemplate. As for the situation in Iraq and the Middle East, I donít think disruption is too strong a word."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Not content with all the hot air of the campaign we decided to throw gas into the mix. It has always been the goal of this Administration to help all Americans. Up till now weíve been helping Big Oil by allowing prices to reach record dollar highs. Now itís time to help the middle men, the poor soldiers who struggle in the trenches refining, buying and selling petroleum products, so weíre gonna release every drop of oil reserves we have to the extent of draining the gas and oil out of the Armyís Tenth Mountain Divisionís Humvees for sale to the American Public, just in time for the Election."

When questioned about the timing of the as yet unannounced released date, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of more anonymity continued, "Careful research has shown us that the American Public has an attention span of five weeks maximum, unless of course itís about Black football players killing hot white chicks or husbands killing their pregnant wives, so by Election Day we feel theyíll have forgotten the way we raped them in heating oil and gas prices during the past three years. Itís really great...everybody wins. The refineries and suppliers and such get a bunch of free oil, the American People get a few weeks of cheaper gas, the President gets a bump in the polls and the Tenth Mountain Division gets a little more exercise humping around Fallujah without a ride, which helps them stay fit. Itís perfect."


Community Events Calander For October 2004

Community Events Calander For October 2004

Block The Vote

will be holding an anti-voter registration drive in Tempe Arizona, October 13 to coincide with the final of the four Presidential Debates. Block the Vote members are encouraged to sabotage the electorial process and do their best to convince prospective voters to refrain from voting in the 2004 Presidential Election. If members can not convince voters to refrain from voting, members are encouraged to suggest Ralph Nader as an alternative to the two candidates. If members can not be convinced to vote Nader as an alternative, members are instructed to suggest Pee-Wee Herman as an alternative to Nader as we all know Pee Wee Herman could probably run the country as well as any of them.

Alcoholics-Out-Of-The-Closetus

will be having its first annual motorcar race, the Everclear 500. Participants in this race are encouraged to wear as little protection as possible as no one is expected to enjoy unsafe sex during the duration of the race. Other events at the Everclear 500 reaceway will include bobbing for dynamite and the ever popular five legged race.

Vegatable Rights Groups PITA

will be holding a vegatable rights groups demonstration outside of Salads For Eternity, a popular West Los Angeles salad bar, brothel and bed and breakfast, October 18th and 2:15 AM. Group members are encouraged to wear the latest in animal fashion and ensure that their stun guns are fully charged for shocking salad bar patrons attempting to enter the restraunt. Members using cattle prods are reminded this time to hold the prods at the proper end to avoid electric shock.


Bush to be Peace President, Gullible Not in Dictionary
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

President Bush announced in July that he wants to be America's "peace President." "No one wants to be the war President," Bush said. "If you re-elect me [sic], the next four years will be peaceful. And by the way, did you know 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary? It's a made-up word from Gulliver's Travels and--ha! Made you look!" The President then did that sneering chuckle that shakes his shoulders up and down, before going on to say, "No, really, I would like to make the world a safer and more peaceful place. When I liberated [sic] Iraq, I was only doing what I had to do, but if you elect me in November, the next four years will be as peaceful as if Jesus had come again. By the way, 'peaceful' also isn't in the dictionary, it's a--ha! Made you look again!"

Some Americans are excited about this development. "I'm so happy that President Bush will bring peace to the world," said Jonathan Sloe of the League of Gullible Voters. "I know George Bush is the man to do it, because he's a uniter, not a divider, and he's going to restore grace and dignity to the White House. Really, any day now, he's going to restore grace and dignity."

The League of Gullible Voters hosts voter registration drives with slogans such as "Your vote will decide the election," and, in Florida, "Every vote counts." The League boasts a voter-recruitment record that would be truly impressive if someone didn't keep replacing their voter registration forms with change of address cards (and, on one occasion, Folgers Crystals).

Others are not so impressed with the President's announcement. Miriam Webster, of the Union of Stodgy Lexicographers, has let it be known that she, for one, is quite perturbed.

"We receive five thousand inquiries per annum concerning the veracity of the word gullible," says Ms. Webster. "I do not deem it appropriate for a holder of public office to engage in such lexicographic distortions. I assure you, gullible remains in the vernacular, as does 'peace,' despite Mr. Cheney's repeated efforts to have it expunged. Furthermore, I--beg your pardon? Yes, of course I am familiar with Mr. Sloe and his organization--from whence did you think we had received this preponderance of inquiries?"

While the League of Gullible Voters endorses Bush, the Union of Stodgy Lexicographers has given its imprimatur to Kerry. "President Bush has simply been an intolerable nuisance," says Ms. Webster, "not only for the constant need to log such linguistic abominations as 'subliminable' and 'misunderestimate,' but also for the arbitrary redefinition of existing words such as 'sovereignty,' 'recovery,' and 'liberate.'"

However, while the League of Gullible Voters maintains a visible presence everywhere, the Union of Stodgy Lexicographers sees such efforts as beneath their dignity. Nevertheless, Ms. Webster assures us her organization is not entirely inactive. "After all," she says, "Who do you think has been Pilfering Mr. Sloe's voter registration cards?


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

Contributing Writers:
David Sklar

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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