September 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 8
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 September 15th - 30th  September 1st - 14th  August 15th - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

New Terror Alerts Issued
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

The White House and The Department of Homeland Security has issued a New Terror Warning based on instances of "increased chatter". This is the sixtieth warning that has been issued since Homeland Security has been created and by far the most comprehensive list to date.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " I know that every other Terror Alert hasn't really panned out the way we hoped it would but we're sure to hit something with this list. Al-Qaida has been chattering like crazy, so we know that something is gonna happen somewhere sooner or later, hopefully in time for the election so George Bush can get dressed up in a uniform again, maybe a Navy one this time. That'd show John Kerry."

The list includes the following possible targets: The United States, including all churches, synagogues, mosques and religious schools, all military bases, Wal-Marts, Sam's Clubs, Targets, Home Depots, Lowe's Home Improvement Centers and Krispy Kreme Donut Shops, all gas stations, car washes and movie theaters, all schools and day care centers, all public and private buildings, roads, sidewalks and bicycle paths, all mountains, fields, rivers and streams, all swimming pools and hot tubs, your mailbox, every shopping mall and public restroom, a VCR in Des Moines, Iowa and a wide screen TV in Terra Haute, a small Volkswagen dealership in Maine, a neutered Pekinese named Muffy in San Francisco, any gathering of one or more people anywhere, Bubba's Bar and Grill in Escanaba, Michigan, Charlie's House of Chili in Racine, Wisconsin, you, all of your family and friends, a cow somewhere in the mid west, and finally and most disturbingly, the star Alpha Centauri.

Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of even more anonymity said, "All right, fine, we don't have a clue what they're going after and we never have. But if you think that's going to stop us from scaring the crap out of Americans in an election year then you have no idea have the American Electoral Process Works."


Give Us Back Our Statue! Declares French President

French President Jacques Chirac was restrained by his own security forces Friday during a meet and greet with President Bush. Apparently the US President had threatened to send UN Weapon inspectors into France to search for Iraqi weapons of mass destruction causing the French President, according to the American President, to " fly off the handle like a toilet seat being spun around on a two foot broomstick."

"We take it back! We take it back!" Chirac reportedly shouted in French. "Give us back Lady Liberty!"

"Come on Jacques," President Bush reportedly told Chirac. "I have it under good British intelligence that operatives of various terrorist organizations have been smuggling WMD into France in cases of crayons.

Luckily, our CIA operatives attending Kindergarten at Marsailles Elementary School working with British MI55 operatives attending the same grade were able to test each crayon coming in to the school with the most sophisticated technology available to them. We lost a few agents due to ingestion fatalities, but those guys knew the risks when they signed up. Damn shamed though. Operatives that small are so damned hard to come by."

The FarceHaven attempted to contact the principal of Marsailles Elementary School, but the principal refused to decline an interview.

When asked what the Bush administration plans to do if France makes good on its threat of recinding the Statue of Liberty, Bush had this to say about the situation:

"I suppose we'll just have to build another one."

When asked if the President had anything in mind, the President merely smiled.

However, once bribed, White House Chief Architect Bubba La Cruella was able to supply the FarceHaven with the following sample:


Bush Recalled to Active Duty

The Texas Air national Guard has taken the extraordinary step of recalling President George W. Bush back to active service to be deployed to Iraq. President Bush, who nearly served in the Guard in the early seventies was deemed eligible for service despite his current age of 57. An unnamed source in the Guard was quoted as saying, " We were all sitting around the Officers Club getting drunk one night, trying to figure out how to bring our enlistments back up to meet our quota's and there was Bush on TV at his ranch in Crawford cutting brush and looking pretty fit. One thing led to another and we all crowded back to Headquarters and wrote him a letter demanding he return to active duty. I don't know, it seemed pretty funny after five or six Alabama Slammers."

What may have started as a good-natured prank among some drunken Guard buddies just might end in tears. Apparently, when Mr. Bush received the letter from the Texas Air National Guard he immediately took off on Air Force One and went into hiding and none of his White House Staff can locate him. While normally the absence of George Bush for an extended period of time would be no great liability as Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz handle all the day to day and long term policy decisions for the Administration, the Presidents disappearing act may become a severe problem during this current election cycle.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " Wouldn't you know it, just when we need to trot the little jerk out in public he goes AWOL again...uh, I mean, for the first time. No, I mean he's not AWOL at all, he's just not here right now. Jesus, why do I bother talking to you? Look, what I'm trying to say is that as soon as he checks in and tells us where the hell he's hiding we're gonna clear up this mess. The idiots who sent that letter have already been re-assigned to Guantanamo Bay and not as guards if you know what I mean."


Super Earth Found Outside of Solar System

Scientists at a European university have recently announced the discovery of a planet that they have dubbed a "Super Earth."

"It's the coolest thing," scientist Rob Planethopper told the FarceHaven Tribune in an interview Saturday. "So the surface hits a temperature of about 1,500 degrees in the day time and it orbits the sun in only about ten days -- other than that, it is just like Earth!

"And even better than that, it's only 50 light years away. Why my pappy used to walk that every day in 10 feet of snow without underwear and a broken underwire in his bra! American science will get us there in no time!"

Media source have claimed that another recently discovered Earth-like planet is slightly larger than our own earth being larger only by a factor of 16 times.

The Bush administration has yet to make any pronouncements about this mind blowing discovery although presumptive Presidential Candidate John Kerry has been quoted about asking about the more recently discovered planet's war record and military service.


Bush's Records Found

President George W. Bush has publicly stated that he does not believe Democratic Presidential Nominee John Kerry lied about his service in Vietnam. In fact The President went a step farther, saying that he actually saw John Kerry in battle while he was on a secret mission for the Texas Air National Guard which also explains why Bush's military records from that time have been unavailable to reporters and the public.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " We didn't want to say anything about the President's secret military exploits, National Security and all that, but Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has decided to declassify the records of the President's missions behind enemy lines in order to help the American People better decide who should lead them in the Titanic Struggle For Freedom in the next four years, even though this all has nothing to do with politics."

Among the revelations in the newly released records are that George W. Bush was secretly awarded 315 Silver Stars for bravery, 219 Bronze Stars for being cute, 62 Purple Hearts and 16 Congressional Medals of Honor. In addition, President Bush received a secret promotion to Five Star General. Until now, as with all covertly won citations and promotions, the President wasn't allowed to speak of his deeds; if he did he would've had to kill himself.

Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of even more anonymity said, " This explains a lot of things, actually. Obviously, the first is why the President could never defend himself against the lack of documentation in his service records...two, where the hell he was during the time all you Liberal Commie Scum were saying he was out drinking in bars in Alabama when he should have been serving his country and three, why Laura always said he was a real hottie. It always confused me how an intelligent and beautiful woman like Laura Bush could've married a drunken loser like George Bush was in his early days. Well, the secret agent thing explains it. The stupid Party Animal thing was just a cover, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies." Waterhouse continued, scanning the newly declassified documents, " It just goes to show, you can't believe everything you read."


Candidates Discuss Issues

Incumbent Presidential candidate George W Bush and presumptive Presidential Candidate John Kerry met together Thursday to discuss their issues in a public forum with a live studio audience. Audience members were allowed to ask unscripted questions and recieve unscripted responses.

Audience Member #1: "Mr President. Is it true you went into Iraq in order to complete your pappy's work and that on a psychological level you sought to gain your father's acknowledgement?"

Announcer: "You're turn on the couch Mr. President."

[The President walks over to an onstage couch and reclines].

Bush: "Daddy never noticed me. Why one time, I put on a tutu and did some breakdancing on the White House lawn. The man didn't bat an eyelash. It was always Jeb Jeb Jeb."

Audience Member #1: "So you felt like you were always in competition with your brother?"

Bush: "The Presidency is something I'll never live down. I almost had it. Then Jeb had to bail me out, losing ballots, getting chads thrown out, closing polls; there are so many election conspiracy theories, even I don't know which ones took place and which ones didn't. But who came out squeaky clean? Jeb Jeb Jeb. He dangles it like a carrot. I wouldn't be President without him, Daddy says. Good Ol' Jeb, he says, bailing out the brother Bush. It's always about Jeb. Why do you think I like being called Dubya? Up until I was Dubyatized, he had the cooler name. Granted Jeb's not too high on the coolest name scale, but it beats having a hand me down from your father."

[Bush gets up from the couch and returns to his place on the podium].

Announcer: "Thank you Mister President. Next question please."

Audience Member #2: "Mr. Kerry. How do you feel about always being called the Presumptive Candidate?"

Kerry [wailing from the podium, forgoing the couch]: "I Am Not Presumptive! Whoever the hell decided to call me that should be drug out to the street, castrated, kicked in the balls and hung."

Audience Member #2: "So you assume that it was a man who dubbed you Presumptive?"

Kerry: "You mean by dubbed, Dubya, don't you? I knew it! That son of a bitch thought it would be funny, paid off the press core to call me that, to make me look like the weenie I am in front of the world!"

Audience Member #2: "The weenie you are?"

Kerry: "You know what I mean."

Audience Member #2: "No I don't"

Kerry: "Yes you do."

Announcer: Ahem. Next question please.

[Secret Service Agents quickly storm the podium, taking Bush offstage and arresting Kerry. The FarceHaven would later learn that Bush aides feared that Presumptive Candidate Kerry may make a possibly delusional connection between Bush and his threat of dragging his naming antagonist through the street, castrating him and then kicking him in the balls, a theory relayed to the Secret Service. After the election, Jeb Bush would have this to say about the situation:

"Of course, the presumptive title was my doing," Jeb bragged at a Republican kegger. "Oh, I'm sure it's been used to describe a candidate before, but no one's made it stick like I have. Daddy, of course, will be proud"].


FarceHaven Attempts a Bushless Issue

Writers of the FarceHaven Tribune valiantly attempted Tuesday to not poke fun of President Bush. Originally not focused on poking fun at politics, the FarceHaven Tribune shifted focus upon the election of the current President. Writers of the FarceHaven have revealed that thier interest in poking fun of President Bush has stemmed from the comical nature of the man himself.

"It is just so fricking hard not to make fun of Bush," former staff writer Clayton Follows was quoted as saying. "I think he hasn't exactly been the worst President I can think of -- let me think -- Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, Nixon, Johnson -- hang on, folks -- going far enough back in time could take a while . . [more presidents listed] . . Grant. Grant would be a close second, I think."

"It has nothing to do with the man's policies or even his politics," Bob Chow fictional staff writer added. "It's the things he does. Like the aircraft carrier landing -- you can't make this shit up."

"And everything seems to fall apart on him like a bad cartoon," added Jen Jacobs fictional staff writer. "Haliburton, Abu Ghraib, unfindable WMD, Iraqi ingratitude, the end to major combat, world opinion -- if anyone could come up with a cartoon chain reaction, it's Bush."

"It's like someone elected Pee Wee Herman President," John Plante staff writer added. "Except no one's caught the man masterbating in the back of a movie theater yet."

"And we finally pulled it off last issue--the mid-Month FarceHaven--we have our first Bushless issue in almost a year," John Blackemire Editor-In-Chief told the FarceHaven. "It was hard and it took a lot of dedication, but we pulled it off."

Writers, however, are skeptical as to whether or not they will be able to pull off a repeat performance.

"We'll probably make fun of him long after he's out of office, " Blackemire explained. "He's a walking laugh factory -- our one hope is that some very special day after Bush leaves office, his brother will step up to the plate and assume the mantle of Village (Country) idiot."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself