October 2011 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 13 Issue 10
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 October 15th - 31st  October 1st - 14th  September 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

Obama to Release Evidence Showing Bush/Cheney Engineered Hurricanes
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Rumors suggest President Obama is gathering evidence to prove that the Hurricane that hit the East coast was actually engineered 4 years ago by President Bush and VP Dick Cheney.

Although details of the pending report are sketchy, unnamed sources say the white house ordered the launch of a sophisticated satellite exactly 4 years ago to the day- programmed to cause the hurricane to develop and head towards the East Coast.

Reportedly the secret project code named "secret project" was originally supposed to occur in 2010 however, then President Bush continually had problems with the word "sophisticated" when attempting to issue the secret order which delayed launching of the satellite.

Obama is reportedly gathering information suggesting Bush was responsible for the Bears losing to the Packers in the NFC Title game and claims Cheney had a hand in causing the melt down of the nuclear reactors in Fukushima Japan . . .  Whitehouse Press Secretary Jay Carney acknowledged the pending releases and added "the President will continue to expose the real cause of America's problems as we find evidence on the internet to support our charges."


Author Releases New Book on Having Sex and How to Do It Right
By
Christopher Pilny -- Contributing Author

MINNEAPOLIS, MN--You may not have seen it flying up the bestseller's list, or in any visible area in a bookstore, but local author, Bert Bergen, has published a book that is surely to capture the attention of the world; and the title provides ample evidence as to why: Everything You Need To Know About Having Sex...And MORE!!!

Bergen, who claims the book took him only about a year to write, thanks to forty years of experience "in the sack," also explains why the book, which one would to expect to contain several hundred pages of information, is only one page long.

"Well, as I sat down to write the first chapter, I realized after all these years that I still have no clue what I'm doing when I'm...you know...uhh...getting freaky."

He continued by saying that sex is all a bunch of guesswork for him. "You know, you start, you move around a bit, and you hope for the best. You also hope not to injure anybody. I've done that before. That ruins sex."

Bergen spent the better part of last winter coming up with the title for the first chapter, which he finally decided to name "Chapter 1." He then spent the remainder of the year working on the one sentence that comprises the entirety of the book: "Ok, I have no idea what I'm doing."

"That one took me forever to compose," commented Bergen. "I had to find the right wording, the right rhythm. The timing just wasn't coming together. But when it did, it was amazing. Perfect. I couldn't put it any better."

Contrary to opinion, which would say this book was a waste of both the author's time and is now a waste of readers' times, Everything has been flying off the shelves of booksellers.

"We can't keep it in the store!" Said Mark Meharry, a manager at Barnes and Noble in Edina.

"Digital sales have been through the roof, too," added Bergen.

The reason for such widespread hype over the book seems to be a mixture of having the word "sex" in the title and the general relief felt by readers that they aren't the only ones who have no idea what they're doing.

"For years, FOR YEARS, I had absolutely no clue what I was doing when I...well put my penis...well...you know," commented a person who wished to remain anonymous. "I was so relieved to see that another guy felt the exact same way. 'I'm not the only one!' I thought. It was a great burden off my shoulders."

For Mary Anne Bingsley, it was about the word "sex." "Well, I was attracted to the word 'sex' in the title. That's true for me with most things, though. Sex and the City is my favorite show. Sex on the Beach is my favorite shot. And I've never seen an issue of Cosmopolitan that I won't buy. If I see the word 'sex,' I've gotta have it."

When asked if a man got the word "sex" tattooed on his forehead, would she date him, she responded plainly, "Hell yes."

Everything You Need To Know About Having Sex...And MORE!!! is in stores, now. Hardback $15.99, digital $5.99.


Detroit Lions Fans Lining Up At Ticket Counters To Buy Super Bowl Tickets
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Starving for a Super Bowl, Detroit Lions fans are racing to ticket outlets throughout Detroit to order their tickets for the 2011 NFL Super Bowl game to be played in Ironwood Michigan in Feb 2012.

According to a "Ticketmaster" Spokesman, his company has already sold over 13 advanced tickets even though the season has just begun with Detroit beating Tampa Bay in its first 2012 outing. 27 year old Barry Bleacher told us in a nonexistent interview . . .  "I haven't seen this much excitement since 1957 (Detroit's last NFL Championship.) People are going nuts with one guy saying he'll head to Ironwood next week to "Wait out the season . . .  I mean is that goofy or what?"

The FarceHaven will continue to follow the Lions as they climb to the top or sink to the bottom of their division!


Archeologists Unearth The 10 Commandments in The Sinai Desert!
By
A Yid in Dixieland -- Contributing Author

Breaking news out of the Middle East. A team of archeologists have unearthed what appear to be the actual 10 Commandments as given by God and Moses to the Israelites. While this seems to authenticate the biblical narrative, the commandments are actually quite different from those recorded in the Judeo-Christian tradition. Below is the word of God in its entirety.

The Ten Commandments

By God with the Assistance of Moses

1. I am the Lord thy God, who brought thee out of the land of Egypt, into this desert, and I'm probably gonna leave you here. I strongly suggest thou have no other Gods before me, but I don't really care, one way or another.

2. Thou shalt not make for thee a graven image of God or Prophet and bow down before it. Again, I don't really care, but some overzealous whack jobs take this shit seriously.

3. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy by ripping ample toilet paper well in advance.

4. Honor thy Father and thy Mother even if they be brother and sister.

5. When Jesus arrives, tell the shmendrik to stay in school, get a haircut, and call his parents once in a while.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery [Moses -- this is stupid. Please fix.]

7. Every man child shall be circumcised as a sign of the Covenant which he shall remember when he goes forth to make peepee (see Commandment #3).

8. Covet thy neighbor's wife and her ass at your own discretion. Leave me out of it.

9. Y'all can hang these here Commandments in courthouses and class rooms in Dixie. I don't give a rat's ass.

10. [Moses -- I'm out of ideas. You've been "like" a son to me and a real mentsch. Pencil in a 10th commandment, and then go ahead and make up another 513. You've got 40 years with bubkis to do.]

Copyright God and Moses, Mount Sinai, 6th of Sivan 2247 (1513 BC). All rights reserved.


Sarah Palin to Announce Plans to Announce Plans to Announce Plans Soon!
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

WHO CARES DEPT: Tea Party Darling Sarah Palin is running for President . . . maybe . . .  maybe not or so or . . . err . . . who the hell knows?

The FarceHaven learned today that a definite maybe is probably going to be announced in the very near or very far future or possibly not at all . . .  we just don't know for sure.

Waiting anxiously, Palin's critics contend that her indecision is further evidence of her obvious lack of decisiveness needed to be an effective President. MSNBC's Chris Mathews said "No matter how tight I close my eyes she just doesn't make my leg tingle like Obama . . .  I mean she's almost as pretty as Pres. Obama is . . .  but hey beauty ain't everything is it?"

Even supporters are getting tired of her "on again/off again" antics with one lady from Iowa saying "Hey Sarah . . . either run or get the hell out of the way for those that are running, you're giving me a headache!"

With Romney, Perry, Bachman, Paul, Cain, The Cookie Monster, Huey, Dewy and Louie now up and running, Palin has to move fast if she hopes to have any chance (fat chance) of winning the nomination said Big Bird during an interview on the popular Sesame Street show on Nickelodeon Channel.

Reportedly most Democrats support Palin running according to a recent CNN Poll that asked 1000 party members. "Should Palin run so Obama is guaranteed another 4 year term in the Whitehouse?" The results were 1043 said she should run and -56 said she shouldn't run, results well within the margin of error and voter fraud.

Critics say Palin craves publicity and may decide to maybe run after the 2012 election.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
A Yid in Dixieland
Christopher Pilny
Don Myers

Issues

2012
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2011
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2010
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2009
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28

2008
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14

2007
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2006
Sep 15 - 30
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2005
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2004
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 29
Jan/Feb

2003
Dec 01 - 31
Nov 01 - 30
Oct 01 - 31
Sep 01 - 30
Aug 01 - 31


You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself