September 2011 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 13 Issue 9
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 September 15th - 30th  September 1st - 14th  August 15th - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Apple Unveils iPed
By
Matt Lettieri -- Contributing Author

SILICON VALLEY - In a glitzy ceremony at company headquarters on Tuesday, CEO Steve Jobs unveiled Apple's latest digital gem - the iPed. As the world's first digitized moped, the iPed is sure to garner much attention in the coming weeks.

"The iPed will revolutionize the way people think about motor bikes from here on out," said Jobs as he dismounted the product after a test run. "We're putting the ‘mobile' back into the phrase ‘mobile internet.'"

The device features a touch screen in the center console with 80 GB of space for music and full AT&T WI-FI/4G/DSL/ADD coverage. For convenience, the vehicle folds up and can fit in your back pocket.

Perhaps the most enticing feature of the iPed is what Jobs has coined the "scrolling bumper sticker." This is an LCD screen on the back of the vehicle across which user-created messages can scroll, similar to what you would see on the bottom of the screen while watching CNN. This enables an iPed rider to continuously update Twitter and Facebook statuses and display them to a wider audience while on the road.

For example:

@GreeniPed: About to turn . . .  #blinkerbroken

@iPeddriver24: need gas but don't feel like paying these ridiculous prices #offshoredrilling

"It's all about convergence" said Jobs to the throngs of captivated press. "Other mobile products claim to provide internet access that you can take anywhere. What we've done is created a product that provides internet access that you can take anywhere and that also takes you anywhere."

He went on to add, "You may praise me now."

Following the unveiling of the iPed, Bill Gates announced that Microsoft will soon be releasing a more affordable yet less functional line of motorized scooters called Xbikes.


Chinese Threaten to Foreclose On/Repossess America After Seeing Debt Deal
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Chinese President Hu Jintao sent shock waves through financial markets today when he disclosed the fact that China actually DOES own America after President Nixon secretly lost it in the 5th and final game of Chinese Checkers with Chaiman Mao Zedung during a historic visit in 1972.

Jintao claims the entire game and conversation was recorded and will be aired at an "appropriate time."

"We had never planned on collecting on the wager but after seeing how pathetic American is being run we may have to pursue it as a way to protect our investment . . .  besides I really like San Diego . . .  I'd like to give it to my Sweetie as a Birthday gift!"

President Obama responded by threatening to raise President Jintao's taxes and take away his personal jet. When told he doesn't have the authority to do that he said "That damned Boehner and his Tea Party . . . they won't let me have any fun anymore!"


Help Wanted
By
Thomas Sullivan -- Contributing Author

Wanted: Middle-aged, white male for national-level leadership position. Ideal candidate will possess limited intellectual capacity and no moral core. Job duties to include: re-framing previously failed economic policies, enhancing and expanding economic inequality, and presenting the replacement of senior health care with high-earner tax cuts as a form of patriotic discipline. All candidates must possess or be able to secure deep social and monetary connections to financial and/or defense contracting industries. New ideas not required. Previous experience in race-baiting and gay-bashing a plus. Physical resemblance to actors in dandruff shampoo commercials a major plus. Avowed Christian faith (however genuine) a must. Job requires relocation to Washington, DC. Housing provided.


Democrat Louis Magazzu Joins "Bare Me Naked" Politician Online Club
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

NEWS ALERT- Now from the "Are you kidding me file" YET ANOTHER "Public Servant" has had his naked pictures shown on the internet. Democrat Louis Magazzu from New Jersey has proudly become a member in good standing of the "Bare me naked politician online photo club."

Magazzu (no relation to Mr. Magoo) who is a Cumberland County Freeloader . . .  oops that's Freeholder had his pictures listed on a Republican Website and to his credit resigned a day after they were posted.

Magazzu, joins a long and growing list of publicly elected Geniuses from the Democratic party who apparently just can't keep their cloths on . . .  My . . . my how they must admire themselves . . .  how special.

Now, Republicans can take the high road on this growing national scandal because they haven't had to deal with any of these "indiscretions." OOPS, I was just told by the mouse in my pocket that I'm wrong.

Let's see there was . . .  Republican Christopher Lee . . .  and Scott Brown who did his spread in the popular Cosmopolitan Magazine, and I know I'm letting others off the hook but after all this is only a 2 page rag.

Maybe . . . just maybe our elected officials could actually get something accomplished for the obscene compensation they receive in pay and benefits- IF they would drop their dreams of being a male stripper!


EPA To Regulate Zoos
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Washington DC: Complaints by Democratic liberal activists, whose sh*t doesn't stink, living next to the National Zoo in Washington DC has caused the EPA to take action for the entire USA.

The proposed Federal Excrement Control Environmental Smell (FECES) regulations have caused Republicans to say Democrats only want to spend money on any old sh*t! President Obama says he will approve them, while holding his nose.

The most troubling aspect of the new regulations is the potty training of the larger mammals. Deportations of Hippos, Rhinos and Elephants to North Korea, that can't be trained to use waterless toilets, will begin in FY 2012. Reaction came swiftly from different segments of the US political and economic spectrum.

AFL/CIO Union bosses complained that high paying union jobs will be lost during this bad economic time of increasingly high unemployment. An organizer said "don't these EPA folks give-a-sh*t about working people?"

Rabid environmentalists argued that all this effluvium should not be wasted but used for "green" energy production, oops brown energy production.

PETA lawyers argued that children need to be exposed to redolent odors, especially during potty training. What better place than a zoo experience. Besides the North Koreans might just eat the Hippos, Rhinos and Elephants!

OSHA weighed in with their own regulations that zoo visitors must wear gas masks, rubber gloves and be trained in hazardous waste disposal. At a minimum warning labels need to be conspicuously placed at strategic zoo locations.

Zoologists picketed EPA headquarters, pelting the building with what appear to be brownish looking snowballs.

As for the affected zoo animals, they continue to do their usually thing!


"Please Don't Squeeze the Charmin" Creator Dies: Mass Squeezing Feared
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

FLASH- Or should I say flush . . .  anyway FarceHaven is sad to report the passing of an American icon John Chervokas. Chervokas was the Advertising Writer who created the "Mr Whipple" ad campaign that made toilet paper squeezing a class A felony in the United States. He died Saturday at the age of 74.

Dick Wilson was the famous actor in the campaign that was rated as the 51st Best Advertising Campaign of the 20TH Century by Advertising Age Magazine. He died at the age of 91 in 2001

CNN's Mini Cooper reports that "mass Charmin squeezing" has broken out across the world and is now creating huge problems in the MidEast. "Many Muslim men have never before been exposed to bathroom tissue and frankly are having problems with the proper handling or techniques required to efficiently use Charmin (which is now the number 2) selling tissue in Saudi Arabia.

COO Anthony Romano told the FarceHaven "We are working around the clock to see this squeezing doesn't get out of hand . . .  We have received calls from the UN voicing their concerns and I want to insure them and everyone else that those who abuse our tissue will be brought to justice and put in a place where they will be forced to use Scott Tissues or maybe even sumpin worser!"


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Don Myers
Matt Lettieri
Philbert of Macadamia
Thomas Sullivan

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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