August 2011 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 13 Issue 8
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 August 15th - 31st  August 1st - 14th  June 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Oscar Mayer to Introduce the New Senator Anthony Weiner . . .  Weiner
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Oscar Mayer announced today it is coming out with a new line of "Celebrity Sausages and Wieners."

Oscar Mayer's Marketing Manager Peter Dunn told The FarceHaven in a phone interview last week "We are very excited about our new line up of celebrity sausages and wiener products we plan on rolling out before the 4th of July weekend. The new Brett Farve Bratwurst and the exciting brand new Anthony's Weiner are expected to do very well in this highly competitive market we can't wait to see the public's reaction to our fun new products!"

Dunn told us before the interview was Dunn (sorry) O.M.'s decision not to go forward with the Dolly Pardon Chicken Breast Fillets last spring still haunts him (his board of directors axed the idea) "Dolly is loved by everybody and they didn't want to hurt her feelings so we dropped the breasts, But I'm convinced they would have gone over big."

Other new meat products being planned include "Arnold Schwarzenegger's Kasekrainer" boiled sausage filled with tiny bits of cheese and "John Edwards tiny Breakfast Sausage a delightful bite to get your day started." Peter Dunn emphasized that all of the new and future celebrity products named were decided upon as a result of that particular person or celebrity putting "themselves out there for public ridicule" Former President Bill Clinton said after being made aware of Oscar Mayer's new marketing initiatives.


Governor Corbett Gives Advice from the Heart
By
Tom O'Donnell -- Contributing Author

Governor of Pennsylvania Tom Corbett who told schools to "drill for gas" as a way to raise money for their education has now offered an additional suggestion, "The youngsters at the Vocational-Technical Schools could also get themselves shoe shine kits and raise a little more money for themselves and their schools that way too. Let's drop a bunch of the youngsters off at the airport each day and have them set up shoe shine stands."

This "can do" politician is brimming with ideas. "Look," Corbett said, "Our state can only afford tax breaks for corporations because business is our number one goal. Everybody else needs to think outside the box. Here's an example: older people living in assisted living facilities can get paper routes. Kindergarten children can sell lemonade during recess to raise money for their lunches. Better yet, those who are mentally ill or, unable to take care of themselves, can start getting a little more proactive. I say we teach them self-reliance and have these folks sell state lottery tickets as a way to help them earn their keep. We could take busloads to the malls and parks and only when they reached their sales quota of lottery tickets could they go home for the day."

Governor Corbett added, "I make things happen and insist on everybody pulling their weight, well, except for businesses who should be given every tax break imaginable."

Corbett then shot out of his chair saying, "I just had a brain storm. We could have our elementary school, middle school and high school choirs go to the numerous airports and sing to air traffic controllers so they don't fall asleep. Someone write that down. It's a great idea."


Philip Morris USA Inc. to Ban Smoking Everywhere for its 5,752 Employees
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Employees of the world's largest tobacco products manufacturer were shocked when they opened their pay checks this week. Included with their paycheck was a notice to all employees stating that effective January 1st 2067 all employees including management were forbidden to use any of the many tobacco products manufactured by the cigarette giant.

The notice went on to say the use of any product including smokeless tobacco would be grounds for the immediate dismissal and loss of pensions, health insurance and use of company owned cancer centers.

Spokesman for the company refused an interview but did admit the new policy was designed to both piss off employees and enhance the image of Philip Morris which has been badly tarnished in the last 30 years.

Rumors persist that Philip Morris is aggressively pursuing the "Candy Cigarette" market which is now exploding in the Mideast and African nations. Reports say both children and adults become hooked on the nicotine and tar laced candy and smoking critics are pushing for a ban on the production of candy cigarettes calling Philip Morris "Bad Philip . . . bad bad Philip for marketing them."

Meanwhile P.M is spending millions in the fight to legalize Marijuana and farting in public . . . OK, OK we made up that last part . . . sue us, I mean, no please don't!


State of Maryland Declares Bankruptcy
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Annapolis MD: The State of Maryland has declared bankruptcy because its entire 2012 budget of $34 billion is needed to satisfy the outcome of lawsuits being brought against the governor, the legislature and state agencies over dogs.

The Maryland Legislature passed a bill to allow restaurant patrons to bring their dogs to any participating eating establishment having outside tables, in order to increase business. State health agencies voiced no objections. The assumption was that well behaved dogs would not act up.

Maryland restaurants could choose to voluntarily opt in. About 10% did and then either closed or found their business decreased by 10%. When customers saw dining dogs sitting outside their favorite restaurant, they went somewhere else to eat. Maryland's restaurant associations are suing the state for loss of business revenue.

Various trial lawyers have been engaged by restaurant patrons, claiming that their rights may have been violated by being excluded from eating at their favorite Maryland restaurants as they do not wish to dine with dogs. Sitting elbow to elbow with dogs barking, begging, putting paws up on their table, licking plates and possibly attacking other diners trying to eat dinner is not a relaxing experience.

Wait staff and culinary unions have concerns that a dog at an adjoining diner's table may decide to do his business! Who will clean the mess up, the dog owner or the wait staff and how much will the tip to the wait staff be for such service? Will dog hair on the dinner plates ruin the ambiance of Maryland crab cakes! A strike or lawsuit is contemplated.

The ACLU and ASPCA have brought a discrimination lawsuit that claims the rights of cat lovers have been violated by excluding their pets from Maryland's restaurants. Damages are being sought for excessive pain and suffering.

Environmentalists in conjunction with the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has cited violations of the Clean Air Act because of emitted odors caused by toxic substance residue deposited on the floor. An injunction has been filed to block the new Maryland law.

US Health and Human Services (HHS) has cited the Americans with Disabilities Act, as related to other collocated diners being allergic to dog hair. Additionally, small children crawling on the floor will be subject to toxic substance residue deposited on the floor and dogs licking dinner plates creates unsanitary conditions. An injunction has been filed to block the new Maryland law.

PETA, other animal rights groups and dog psychiatrists have joined forces to sue Maryland on behalf of dogs who do not want to eat with people watching them, citing psychological cruelty to animals.

Vegans and the food police are upset over the fact that dogs are red meat eaters and are suing to get the participating restaurants to only serve tofu dog biscuits in packages having the fat and calorie content on the label.

Maryland's governor has asked the State of West Virginia to purchase the bordering western counties of Maryland (rich in coal and natural gas) for $34 billion to off-set the court judgments associated with the various lawsuits. The State of Pennsylvania has asked for a competitive bidding process.

The US Attorney General has filed an injunction against Maryland prohibiting the selling of state territory to another state, as being unconstitutional. Maryland's Attorney General has filed a motion to lift the injunction. Ultimately, the Supreme Court will have to decide the issue.


Rev. Jesse Jackson Considering Retirement From "Politics & Protesting"
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Saying he's "Sick of chasing camera crews who continually ignore me" The Reverend Jesse Jackson may be calling it quits. Agreeing to an interview with one of our reporters if we promised to publish a picture Jackson said he's "burned out, bummed out and fed up with the right winged media who pay him no mind anymore . . .  Heck they don't even call me Reverend anymore . . . no respect, none, zippo!"

Jackson told The FarceHaven he's tried hard to stay relevant by watching the news 24 hours a day looking for the next big opportunity to "Put my gorgeous face in front of a camera crew for a good cause."

The Reverend became irritated when our Reporter asked "What do you consider a good cause?" Mr. Jackson responded "Look Skippy, I'll decide when and where I show up . . . but I invite all you folks to send your good causes to my Website . . . you never know, it's been a little slow . . . I swing both ways now days . . . tryin to cut through the haze . . . send me a skype, I'll increase the hype . . . We just had to walk away because the Reverend Jesse Jackson can do rhymes all day.

In a related story, The Reverend Al (not so) Sharpton announced his new Website last week telling a New York Times Reporter "Time are tough, and I can't protest enough, my people love and need me and that's how it auta be


Corgis To Go On Strike Following Cutbacks!
By
Paul Tims -- Contributing Author

The Queen's Corgis are one of the most recognizable trademarks of the royal family, second only to eccentric near-racism and Prince Charles' ears. However, the cutbacks the royal household are planning to make, in line with government austerity measures, will hit these much-loved pooches like a spade to the groin.

The queen presently keeps an honor guard of two million corgis, but swinging cuts to expenditure will see this number reduced to a mere five hundred.

The result seems inevitable: all up and down the country, corgis in unrelated positions are planning to show solidarity by going out on strike. Police are expecting flying pickets and moderate biting.

Mr. Rover O'Chappy, a spokes-retriever for the D.C.A.U (Dogs and Cats Affiliated Union) attempted to explain the corgi standpoint, saying that "while many people in the public will be pleased to see the royals reducing spending on unnecessary costs, what people don't consider is the price these ordinary, hard-working dogs will have to pay."

O'Chappy went onto explain how many corgis would have to be neutered in order to get long-term house-pet positions before dragging his bottom along the carpet and whining to be let out into the garden.

On the other side of the debate, sniffer dog and police Sergeant, Nathaniel "Bitey" Dolan described the rumored strikes as "Unjustifiable, unwanted and unlikely". They were not, he reasoned to this magazine, going to go ahead, due to the overwhelming public antipathy towards the notion.

Despite police confidence, however, the strikes are looking increasingly likely, with a strong wave of corgi opinion on the side of action and dogs like O'Chappy throwing their weight behind the intention to strike quickly. For any corgi owners, it may well really be the Winter of Discontent.


President Obama Says "There are no hostilities taking place in Libya!"
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

It was that "Circus Guy" PT Barnum that said "There's a Sucker born every minute" . . .  And this writer can't help believing that when you listen to the geniuses that defend Obama's comments last week in defense of his defiance of Congress's War's Power Laws.

Of course when he said on the campaign trail that he had visited almost all of the 57 states, THAT went over a lot of heads too. Now yes I know all Presidents and politicians have their share of  . . . ah gaffs . . . hell V.P. Biden makes it part of his daily routine and GW took a strange pride in his volumes of verbal train wrecks, but it truly is getting out of hand with this guy! He is nothing without his teleprompter . . . which may explain why he used it to address 5th. graders for God's sakes . . . oops can I say that?

What scares me is his reaching the obvious conclusion that most of the American people will believe anything he says to be gospel . . .  and by golly I guess something like 43% does . . . are we brain dead or have we just decided to give "Carte Blanche" to someone who is!


Muammar Gaddafi Jr's band to perform at 2013 Hodag Country Fest??
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Rumors continue to circulate claiming Libyan Dictator Muammar Gaddafi's 17th. Son Muammar Jr. is bringing his Iranian Country Band to the 2013 Hodag Country Music Festival in Rhinelander Wisconsin.

Muammar's Band called "Muammar's Country Mullahs" has been touring America in secret for under 3 days now and has developed a large following of Muslim fans that appreciate Country Music according to his Road Manager and Agent Iatolaya Komwitme. "We make many new Muslim fans and infidel fans too with our new album "Jihad Country Classics."

Komwitme said sales of his albums have skyrocketed in the last year and the band is on schedule to sell over 47 albums by the end of 2045! "People can't get enough of hits like "Stop messin with my Mullah" and the number one hit in Iran "What a beautiful Burga Baby" according to Komwitme.

Although the band has a mid-eastern sound the steel guitar allows them to blend traditional country with a "Bedouin twist" which results in haunting instrumentals not often heard by hard core Country Music fans.

Komwitme told the FarceHaven the band also performs classics made famous by Kitty Wells, Webb Pierce and Hank Snow "You haven't heard anything until you hear Jr. sing revised version of Hank Snow's classic "I've Bombed Everywhere Man" Oops I meant (BEEN) Everywhere . . . sorry."

We made repeated attempts to confirm Gaddafi's booking for 2013 but local state and federal officials said in a combined statement "Right now we are too busy trying to kill his dad to make a decision on this!"


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Don Myers
Paul Tims
Philbert of Macadamia
Tom O'Donnell

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You Know
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The Star Wars Trilogy
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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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