June 2011 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 13 Issue 6
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 August 1st - 14th  June 1st - 14th  May 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

CBS Cites Boring Hosts in Decision to Change "60 Minutes" to "15 Minutes"
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

With Andy Rooney nearing 100, and Mike Wallace gone, and perky Katie Couric no longer loved by the masses. CBS has announced they are changing the once hot 60 Minutes to 15 Minutes.

Standing in front of a shocked group of media representatives, CBS News Jeff Fager told the group "We're just a little tired . . . we think we can deliver an equally boring show in 15 minutes and take a nap during the other 45 minutes . . . poor Rooney, he needs more rest . . . the stories are starting to suck, Katie . . . who knows what the hell she's gonna do . . . 15 minutes is the new deal people . . . you may as well get the word out."

Fager then refused to answer questions, farted loudly and then quickly left the podium leaving most of the 5 reporters feeling confused and vaporously abused.

In a related story ABC who have seen their ratings slide for 20/20 are considering changing the name of their show to just 20 according to our Editor who makes up such things.


Federal Agency Blames Windmills for Global Warming
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Washington DC: The US Department of Energy (DOE) has released a study that suggests the use of windmills (wind turbines) to generate "green" electric energy is the cause of global warming.

Wind energy is derived from the sun's abundant radiated energy warming up planet Earth's surface and its atmosphere. Parts of the Earth are always warm, while the climate remains colder in other places. The warm air rises and the cool air moves in to replace the rising warm air. This movement of air is wind/wind energy.

Approximately 2% of the electricity used in the continental US, in the last 15 years, has been generated by windmills located on wind farms. These wind farms have been built in selected locations where steady winds prevail.

A small increase in continental temperature has been noted around these wind farms. This phenomenon is due to the wind energy being depleted as it goes through the windmill's blades, to be converted to electricity by generators. There is not enough wind remaining to cool the Earth's surface. Therefore continental warming occurs around these wind farms and achievement of thermal equilibrium spreads the warming evenly.

US DOE estimates 200,000 windmills (wind turbines) located on geographically distributed wind farms are required to generate all the current and near future electrical energy needs of the US. Adding the other 98% of required windmills over the next 30 to 40 years could significantly affect continental warming.

US DOE proposes collocating 200,000 identical windmills (electric motor driven fans) rotating in the reverse direction in proximity to the various distributed wind farms to cool the surrounding area, thus negating continental warming effects. These large electric fans will be powered by a total of 400 nuclear electric generating plants. US DOE estimates that windmills will cost $5 million each and the nuclear electricity generating plants $10 billion each (2011 dollars).

The study results can be extrapolated to include the entire world's use of windmills for generating "green" electric energy and their effect on global warming. US DOE wants to present their study findings to the UN General Assembly and associated UN climate change organizations.

The US Senate Committee on Energy and Natural Resources and the US House Committee on Energy and Commerce will be examining the US DOE study results, prior to any worldwide dissemination.


David Letterman Demands Rival Jay Leno Present His Birth Certificate
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Apparently the "Birther Controversy" is spreading to late night TV as comedian David Letterman called on his late night competitor Jay Leno to produce and present his Birth Certificate by April 10th.

The Birth Certificate controversy surrounding President Obama was thought to be quieting down but probable Presidential Candidate Donald Trump reinvigorated the issue in the last couple of weeks by insisting that Obama come up with the legal Certificate. To date Obama has issued a Certificate of live birth which IS NOT a legal confirmation according to Trump.

Well now the "Birther" issue has spread like wildfire across America with celebrities and even average Americans alike demanding Birth Certificates from each other, family members, baby sitters, dentists muggers, hookers and now Davis Letterman asking for Jay Leno to produce his.

This Editor was shocked yesterday when my own Wife demanded to see mine . . . I tried to convince her that I wasn't from Kenya but she continues to harbor strong suspicions as we try to work through this alarming new marital problem.

According to unidentified sources, there is a Website being developed named Birth Certificates R-US which will enable people who have lost or never been issued a Birth Certificate to have one created for only $5,000. FarceHaven was told the Certificates will be printed on age approximating paper to insure a dated appearance needed to give them a look of authenticity needed for future Presidential Candidates and/or worthless Senators and Congressmen . . . .(oops sorry) and Congresswomen.

We will follow this important story closely and report back to our readers as soon as we make up more nonsense regarding the matter.


Historical and Literary S & M For the Whole Family!
By
Justin Teerlinck -- Contributing Author

Do you ever come home from work after a long day feeling whipped . . . but not whipped enough? Perhaps you've found that the rates have increased for the same, tired old meat and potato S & M slave-dom leather kink routines that you've been doing for years. Worse yet, you've found you've developed a high pain tolerance, and your Master, the only game in town, is retiring!

If this sad scenario describes you, you might be interested in the hottest new pain recreation genre to hit the scene. That's right folks, I'm talking about historical and literary S & M. Described by Disfigurement Weekly as, " . . . uplifting and educational, yet severely painful at the same time. During the sessions I learned enough about the history of naval warship design to pass my GED--with scars to prove it!" And Wanton Harm Daily calls it, " . . . wonderful for the entire family. My "tutor" had a can-do attitude. Even my grandma loves it!" If that's not enough, its even been hailed by the hard boiled critics at Laceration Magazine as, " . . . a sophisticated blend of torture, humiliation, and higher learning."

So what is this new breed of "pain management" that has the top industry critics writhing in agony and increased IQ test scores? Let me put it this way: how would YOU like to be caned by Cleopatra, paddled by Plato, kicked by Kafka, attacked by Jane Austin, lashed by Lincoln, or dominated by Il Duce? In the Historipain program, you won't have to "hit the books" because you'll be hit with books!

In our special "teaching sessions" you will be paired up with one or several historical or literary figures. In the first level of pain, you will be commanded to learn everything about the life, times, and accomplishments of your historical nemesis quickly--or else! If you survive, you will move up to level two, where several historical figures will grill you at once. Then you will cultivate scholarship while "getting back to basics" at the same time: level three will focus on rigorous post-graduate test preparation skills coupled with demeaning age regression therapy (bottle feeding, toilet training, etc.). Upon successful completion of level three, you face the ultimate in dehumanization: For six months you will spend 24 hours a day naked in dog kennel, subsisting only on liquid diet beverages, while scrambling to finish writing your Ph.D. thesis (subject area of our choosing) with a broken pencil and scrap paper.

Sounds great, you say, but how can I afford it on my meager salary? Not to worry friend, because if you're a true lover of pain, meeting our "debt collection councilors" will be more fun than the program itself! Remember, "ask not what your historical figure impersonating dominatrix can do for you, but ask what you can do for them . . . and then pray you can do it!" To sign up, call: 1-800-it-hurtz. Do it now!  . . . That's an order.


MGM to Film "Classic Gangster" Type Movie at "Little Bohemia Lodge"
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

MGM Studios announced today they will be filming a Gangster type movie production starring actor Johnny Depp . . .  . . . .er . . . .ah now wait a damned minute who put this shit on my desk? That was filmed two years ago . . . Zippy, get your ass in here . . . folks I'm sorry . . . I just sent an apology email to MGM as well, the hell with it I can't function with these incompetent idiots . . .  I'm goin out for a beer #&*!


Illinois Raises State Income Tax by 66% Refugees Flee to Indiana and Wisc.
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Authorities in Indiana and Wisconsin said today they are trying to deal with a mass exodus of people from Illinois into their respective states.

The exodus started when Illinois increased their state income tax by 66%. The announcement became widespread yesterday and within 5 hours freeways headed north and southeast were clogged with vehicles wearing Illinois license plates.

Newly elected WI Governor Scott Walker told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel "Hey we don't want all those Bear fans coming to Wisconsin we might be playing them in two weeks . . . folks go back home, you are not gonna find Wisconsin a friendly place to relocate to, and by the way Da . . .  Bears Suck!"

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels echoed Walker's statement saying "Stay the hell away, go west maybe Iowa will take you in . . . or Nebraska or sumpin, and yes Governor Walker is right Da . . .  Bears Suck!"

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn says he regrets the historic hike in taxes but "Has to address the economic reality in Illinois . . . we're broke, my wife is high maintenance, and Obama wants his share ya know."

Authorities predict that up to 50% of Illinois residents will relocate as a result of the tax hike, leaving the remaining residents to pay an even higher share of the expenses. There may be unlikely hero in the controversy however, John Dillinger IV told Politics Spayed "My close friend Al Capone III and I are gonna go to the capital to have a little chat about this with the Gov . . . we're thinkin we may change his mind if ya get my drift. To Walker and Quinn I say enough already about my Bears!"


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Don Myers
Justin Teerlinck
Philbert of Macadamia

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself