Do you ever come home from work after a long day feeling whipped . . . but not whipped enough? Perhaps you've found that the rates have increased for the same, tired old meat and potato S & M slave-dom leather kink routines that you've been doing for years. Worse yet, you've found you've developed a high pain tolerance, and your Master, the only game in town, is retiring!
If this sad scenario describes you, you might be interested in the hottest new pain recreation genre to hit the scene. That's right folks, I'm talking about historical and literary S & M. Described by Disfigurement Weekly as, " . . . uplifting and educational, yet severely painful at the same time. During the sessions I learned enough about the history of naval warship design to pass my GED--with scars to prove it!" And Wanton Harm Daily calls it, " . . . wonderful for the entire family. My "tutor" had a can-do attitude. Even my grandma loves it!" If that's not enough, its even been hailed by the hard boiled critics at Laceration Magazine as, " . . . a sophisticated blend of torture, humiliation, and higher learning."
So what is this new breed of "pain management" that has the top industry critics writhing in agony and increased IQ test scores? Let me put it this way: how would YOU like to be caned by Cleopatra, paddled by Plato, kicked by Kafka, attacked by Jane Austin, lashed by Lincoln, or dominated by Il Duce? In the Historipain program, you won't have to "hit the books" because you'll be hit with books!
In our special "teaching sessions" you will be paired up with one or several historical or literary figures. In the first level of pain, you will be commanded to learn everything about the life, times, and accomplishments of your historical nemesis quickly--or else! If you survive, you will move up to level two, where several historical figures will grill you at once. Then you will cultivate scholarship while "getting back to basics" at the same time: level three will focus on rigorous post-graduate test preparation skills coupled with demeaning age regression therapy (bottle feeding, toilet training, etc.). Upon successful completion of level three, you face the ultimate in dehumanization: For six months you will spend 24 hours a day naked in dog kennel, subsisting only on liquid diet beverages, while scrambling to finish writing your Ph.D. thesis (subject area of our choosing) with a broken pencil and scrap paper.
Sounds great, you say, but how can I afford it on my meager salary? Not to worry friend, because if you're a true lover of pain, meeting our "debt collection councilors" will be more fun than the program itself! Remember, "ask not what your historical figure impersonating dominatrix can do for you, but ask what you can do for them . . . and then pray you can do it!" To sign up, call: 1-800-it-hurtz. Do it now! . . . That's an order.