August 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 7
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 August 15th - 31st  August 1st - 14th  July 15th - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Iraq Attacks Afghanistan
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In a surprising twist to Near and Middle Eastern affairs, the newly installed Iraqi Interim Government has declared war on Afghanistan. This puts the American Government, who have Occupation Forces in both countries in the unique position of having to fight itself.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Sure, it’s a bitch, but what can we do? We promised to abide by the new governments' decrees. Ghazi al-Yawer got pissed off at Hamed Karzai, I think it was a pipeline thing, and pretty soon words got exchanged. Karzai called al-Yawer a towel headed muffin and al-Yawer called Karzai a Dick Cheney wannabe. The next thing you know our forces in Iraq went over and bombed our forces in Afghanistan."

Speaking on the condition of even more anonymity Waterhouse continued, "The good news is, I’m gonna make millions with my defense stocks. The bad news is of course that once again, the Administration is gonna look a bit silly, but I think we can get past that. You see no matter how it turns out, at least we’re gonna win this one."


White House Fights Back

The Bush White House is finding itself in a position it never thought it would be in...not only is it locked in a some times neck and neck, some times losing battle with Democrat John Kerry, it is also fighting off a challenge from the center wing of its own Party. As the election nears, more and more moderate Republicans are calling on the Party to abandon Mr. Bush and his Conservative, Go it Alone and increasingly Radical Religious Right Wing agenda’s.

The latest and most obvious of these is Diplomats and Military Commanders for Change, a group of over two dozen retired Republican Ambassadors and Four Star Generals whose open letter asking Republicans to vote Bush out in November has caused consternation in the Administration. According to sources in the White House the mood there is grim, bordering on paranoiac as each week seems to bring a new setback.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Dick Cheney walks around the West Wing all day carrying that damn duck hunting shotgun of his and Bush has taken to wearing two pearl handled six shooters, even to the men’s room. Yesterday the Secret Service found a "Lick Bush" bumper sticker on the Vice President’s limo, but his daughter Mary could’ve put that there, we’re just not sure."

In an attempt to solidify Republican support the Bush 04 Campaign has unveiled a new series of television spots with tag lines such as "Bush 04...Because you can fool some of the people all of the time" and "Re Elect Bush...Because one Country is Not Enough."


Schwarzenegger Calls Legislators "Girlie Men"

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger drew much criticism from California legislators after allegedly calling a group of them "Girlie men." Several legislators reportedly sought counseling after the incident with Governor Schwarzenegger’s name calling bringing several legislators into a deep state of regression.

"Oh the humanity," Democratic legislator Jake Sanderson said at a national press conference. "When the governor called me a girlie man, all I could see was the guy who beat me up all my life and stole my lunch money."

"I did not steal his lunch money," Republican legislator, Donald Petersmacken responded acidly at another press conference. "Legislator Sanderson just does not want to admit that he donates to the Republican meal ticket from time to time when my wallet’s running low. Let’s forget that I never say please and thank you, he pays up all the same. It’s not my fault Sanderson is a pansy woman."

"I am not a woman!" Sanderson wailed at a rebuttal press conference. "That mean mean mean mean mean mean man won’t leave me alone! Mommy!"

Shortly after the press conference, Petersmacken’s brutally beaten form was taken to California Legislative Incontinence Medical Center in West Sacramento. Witnesses to this brutal beating describe a woman matching the description of Sanderson’s mother leaving the scene with a crowbar in one hand and automotive security device, "The Club" in the other. Police are currently seeking Mrs Sanderson for questioning in conjunction in the violent act.


It's a game, it's a cult, it's a Weapon of Mass Destruction.
By
Simon Hembra -- Contributing Author

In their mounting attempts to find the hidden Weapons of Mass Destruction said to exist in Iraq, the government has announced it's intentions to pay several 'Where's Wally' experts to advise them on likely locations.

In the first time citizens have been employed in such a way since WW2, the winners of a national 'Where's Wally' competition will be recruited by the government to aid in top secret plans to step up the WMD hunt.

While information is currently sketchy Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld, announced at a press conference that the experts would be required to analyze satellite images of Iraq and circle the areas where they thought WMD's or Osama might be.

Mark Hanford, creator of 'Where's Wally' was asked to design over thirty new pictures for the competition being held this Friday.

When asked to comment on his new drawings Mr Hanford said he was sworn to secrecy, but added that it posed a new challenge to him as he wasn't used to drawing so many turbans.

Rumsfeld confirmed that the pictures are based on Hanford's original work, but instead of searching for the friendly character in red and white, the 'Wally spotters' are searching for bombs, a disguised Osama bin Laden and anyone who looks 'likely to be a terrorist.'

Reports as to whether or not Osama will be wearing a bobble hat are unclear.

Posters of Uncle Sam, decked out in the red and white trademark of 'Wally mania', pointing at Osama bin laden and stating ' I WANT HIM!' can already be seen all over the country as Friday's competion draws even closer.

The move comes two and a half years after the War against Terror first began, with the aim to liberate Iraq and capture Osama bin Laden along with his 'Weapons of Terror'. Having captured Saddam Hussein by mistake, coalition forces are still combing Iraq's deserts, buildings and public toilets for signs of the WMD's and their owner.

George Bush continues to ridicule suggestions that the WMD's do not exist despite multiple denials by Al-Qaeda of ever owning such weapons, the claims being called 'Boo-yah'[bullsh*t] by Olivier Yusef Labin Namet, head Jihad Trainer.

'[The weapons of mass destruction] pose an even greater threat if we cannot see them,' Mr Bush stated, 'just like the time that Laura cleaned the sliding glass door to our back garden.

Meanwhile Osama bin Laden lives on, hidden somewhere amongst the caves and dens of Iraq's borders, his biggest worry now that soon someone will point a chewed up pencil at him, push their glasses back up their nose and shout 'There he is!'


Do you want to grow large with that?
By
Simon Hembra -- Contributing Author

McDonald’s sues ‘New Yorker’ over claims fast food steals inches.

Gaining waist lines may not be the only inch problem fast food has given this generation. In a shocking report, the ‘New Yorker’ suggested that eating fast food whilst growing up can have a negative influence on height. It also linked greater height to success. Those taller than the average height, it claimed, have better work relationships, are promoted faster and earn more. Only five presidents have been short men.

The article has damning effects for Fast Food chains who have already started to fight back, opening the war by announcing plans to sue the ‘New Yorker’ for printing what they state are ‘opinions presented as facts’

McDonalds has launched a new food line, ‘Food to ‘Grow.’’ which is high in ‘vitamins that encourage growing’ as well as extra sources of calcium, salad and ‘Real Beef.’ In a bizarre paradox the range is being promoted by a miniature Ronald McDonald who displays all the benefits of being short. These include getting to the front of queues faster, riding the bus half fare and spending less to get drunk.

Other effects of the report can be seen, including a new spamming E-mail that promises to add inches to your life, both in your body and pants. Perhaps most bizarre is the site that invites you to spend several hour long sessions on a ‘rack,’ a medieval torture machine that stretched confessions out of victims. This treat can be yours all for just £59.99 and the wavering of your life insurance.

The verticalaphobic world though may not surprise many people. In an American survey every person asked lied about their height, stating they were taller than they actually were.

However, short people need not start panicking yet. The newly set up ‘SRC (Short Rights Campaign)’ states there is ‘simply no strong evidence to link fast food to short height.’

"Soldiers were on average only five foot tall in the 17th century and it is highly unlikely they were eating fast food.’ Miss Sue Squats, founder of ‘SRC’ told ‘Freelance Cynic’, standing a mere 4’4" tall, her tiny hands clutching a slim cigarette and a Big Mac, ‘There is no more evidence to suggest stunted growth is caused by fast food, than there is to claim it is caused by cigarette smoke."

"If fast food was the main cause of stunted growth then most short people would be overweight too and most tall people would be horribly thin and ‘lanky.'"

SRC claims there is also no relationship between height and success. A survey of its members said that ‘over 20% of them had been promoted at some point in the last 6 years, and over 5% had at least two friends, in 1 out of four cases, one of these friends being over 6’ tall.’

Hope for the smallest of us.

You can contact SRC by sending an SAE to

SRC

McDonalds Restaurants

London

PO Box 1443

Ask a big person to help you reach the post box.


Today's Hollowscope
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Virgo: Fire that subordinate today, the one that spits in your coffee. What? You didn't know about that? Oops.

Libra: Someone you know contracted Ebola last week. I bet that's the last time he eats a take out hamburger.

Scorpio: Remember that boob job you had last week? Remember thinking one boob came out bigger than the other? Remember that sponge the doctor lost?

Sagittarius: Great things will come for those with long tongues--trust me, I know.

Capricorn: If a train leaves Chicago at 7:45, how long will it take another train leaving New York at 12:10 to intercept it?

Aquarius: If you guessed the answer to be 45 minutes, you are obviously a Capricorn and should be reading your own horoscope.

Pisces: That was awfully mean of The Cynic to pick on Capricorns and Aquariuss like that, wasn't it? Well, guess what? Nanny nanny boo boo. Pisces is a fish. Nanny nanny boo boo. Cancer's got crabs. Nanny nanny boo boo. Taurus is full of bull.

Aries: The moment you've been waiting for has arrived. While her ax is turned, hit her with your back.

Taurus: Don't take any bull from anyone today because if you take a bull from someone, it should be a special bull and if it's not a special bull then you might get the Ebola virus like that guy that the Libra knew who died from the Ebola virus recently after eating a nasty take out hamburger from Hamburger Phils Slop and Go One Stop Burger Shop.

Gemini: That online magazine you're reading--your right about your suspicions about the connection between writers and drain bramage. (We like this one so much in Dec, we thought we'd use it again).

Cancer: Okay, we know the hollowscope is a little on the wierder side this issue--we'll try to get it right next time.

Leo: You will have a strange visitor tonight. Don't let the Santa suit fool you; this guy's no Easter Bunny.


Stewart Sentenced
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Martha Stewart has been sentenced to sixty-five years in a Federal Maximum Security Prison for violent felons. The term, which far surpasses the court mandated minimum sentencing guidelines was imposed by United States District Judge Miriam Cedarbaum in New York today. Judge Cedarbaum cited the fact that Martha Stewart "lied, cheated and showed no remorse regarding the ‘Use of Bok Choy Episode’ of The Martha Stewart show."

The episode alleged that Bok Choy could be used as a decorating medium. Ms. Stewart showed how the Asian food could be rolled, dipped in paint and used to marble a front entrance hallway. Apparently, Judge Cedarbaum was not impressed with the effect saying in her sentencing from the bench, "I ended up with Bok Choy all over my damn walls! It took me six months to get the smell out of my house. I finally had to hire one of those fore restoration companies to clean the place up."

Judge Cedarbaum also cited the fact that Ms. Stewart made "women everywhere feel inadequate, stupid and unimaginative by being so goddamn smart all the time." She went on to say, "Actually, I am not sentencing you to any time for the securities fraud thing; after all, who cares about that, but lady, let me tell you this: You mess with my front hallway and you’re toast."

Martha Stewarts lawyer, Robert Morvillo said, "You know, I was all set to appeal the Judges ruling but how can you defend rolling Bok Choy all over your walls? My wife did the same thing as the Judge and she cried for months. We had my daughter’s wedding reception at the house a week after she did it (the Bok Choy thing) and we had to change the menu from Rack of Lamb and Cornish Game Hen to General Tso’s Chicken and Sweet and Sour Pork just to mask the smell. Imagine."

The Judges ruling has had an unintended effect. Due to the ruling a Class Action Lawsuit has been instituted against Ms. Stewart. The Bok Choy Brief, as it is becoming known as, has been filed on behalf of three million women world-wide and seeks four billion, six hundred and fifty-five million, seven-hundred and sixteen thousand, three hundred twenty-two dollars and sixteen cents in damages.


Carrie Ahead in the Polls

Fictional character Carrie of Stephen King fame is ahead in the polls for the 2004 Presidential election as the person most people would rather have be President than Presidential nominee Senator John Kerry and the plain jane incumbent President Bush.

Other fictional characters ahead of the two politicians include Freddy Kruger, Roger Rabbit, Donald Duck and Martha Stewart. When told that Freddy Kruger was ahead of him in the polls, Bush had this to say: "Well shit cowboy, if I could vote for him, I certainly would. Just think of how much better a man Kruger would have been for the pacification of Iraq. Whoops. Did I say pacification? Colin told me to say liberation. It’s liberation dammit. And remember folks, a vote for Kerry is a vote against Bush."


Man Sees Man Who Saw Elvis at Local Chili Cook Off
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Francis Xavier Halibean isn’t your average everyday Joe. He doesn’t drive to work like the rest of us; doesn’t work for a living and doesn’t breathe the same oxygen we breathe, preferring to take in his air from oxygen tanks shipped in directly from the vineyards of France by a select exporting house specializing in "select" filtered oxygens. But what truly makes a man like Francis Xavier Halibean superior to us mere mortals is he saw the man who saw Elvis at a local chili cook off.

"It was the most amazing thing," Halibean told the FarceHaven in a faux neuveux British accent, "When I saw him, I knew him. You could feel the essence of a man sometimes. Those truly great men who have done great things exude their greatness and it is just as tangible to a human’s senses as the concrete of Fifth avenue is cold in the wintertime."

The man he speaks of so fondly is Billy Bo Jim Bob Jerrygraten of Tulsa Oklahoma, who last year was crediting with sighting Elvis after winning the all you can eat Jack Daniels Chili eating contest in the summer of ’93. He was credited with eating 27 bowls of the brew, before his last competitor collapsed at the eating table.

"And that Billy Bo Jim Bob is such a kidder," Halibean told us fondly. "One time, Billy Bo Jim Bob replaced my oxygen tank with a mixture of helium and water that left me giggling and gurgling like a certain Clinton Whitehouse intern. And there was the time he plugged my oxygen hose into a bong--let me tell ya, for a moment or two, I thought I WAS Elvis."

But little else is know about Billy Bo Jim Bob Jerrygraten of Tulsa Oklahoma aside from six felony counts of marijuana possession, six DUIs and eighteen counts of lewd and libelous conduct. He is a very reclusive man and very few know of his existence though a blessed few including Francis Xavier Halibean can make the claim of seeing him.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

Contributing Writers:
Simon Hembra

Issues

2012
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2011
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2010
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2009
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28

2008
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14

2007
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2006
Sep 15 - 30
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2005
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2004
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 29
Jan/Feb

2003
Dec 01 - 31
Nov 01 - 30
Oct 01 - 31
Sep 01 - 30
Aug 01 - 31


You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself