October 2011 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 13 Issue 10
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 January 1st - 31st  October 15th - 31st  October 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Boba Fett Still Trying to Change Name After All These Years
By
Christopher Pilny -- Contributing Author

LOS ANGELES, CA--Boba Fett, the green-helmeted, rocket-pack-wearing bounty hunter most notorious for his capture of Han Solo in Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back, is back in court, today, in his never-ending quest to have his named changed.

Fett, who is now 65, claims that director, George Lucas, misread his resume when he auditioned for the role and proceeded to misprint his name on the scripts, calling him "Boba Fett" instead of his true name, Bob A. Fett.

"Lucas knows what he did," commented Fett. "He knows my real name isn't Boba. He knows it's Bob. Why just the other day, we bumped into each other at Starbucks and what did he say? Not ‘Hey Boba!' But ‘Mornin' Bob.' I wish my lawyers could have been there."

Fett has spent the last thirty years trying to get his true identity back, but has run into one impasse each and every time: copyright law.

"The case always gets thrown out on the grounds that my image is copyrighted. I can't appear anywhere under a different name as long as I have this suit on. Carrie [Fisher] has it easy, you know? She just takes the honey buns out of her hair and she's no longer Princess Leia. Me? If I take off this helmet, this rocket pack, this metal plating, no one will recognize me. I don't know what I'd do. I wouldn't survive."

Issues of identity are nothing new to him, though. As the son of two Jewish bounty hunters, the infamous Fettsteins, who were notorious for their less than legal methods of getting money from people who owed money to other people, Robert A. Fettstein knew he would have to change his name when he came to Hollywood if he was ever going to get work.

"Yeah, Fettstein wasn't going to fly. So I changed it. Probably the biggest mistake I've ever made, though. The Jews as a people might be thousands of years old, but I've never read anything about them living 'in a galaxy far, far away.' Lucas would never have put Boba Fettstein in the script. Even if the scene took place in a desert."

When asked about the case, George Lucas refused to comment.

Then he changed his mind. "To millions of Star Wars fans in the world, Mr. Fett is known only as Boba, and I intend to keep it that way. He is a cultural icon. Besides, the money he's made off of birthday parties, parades, and bar mitzvahs, I don't think he has much to complain about."

Mr. Fett had only this to say in response. "God, I hate birthday parties. I always dribble ice cream on my armor and it's a nightmare getting this thing dry cleaned."

It remains to be seen whether or not Fett will finally be successful in court and gain his true identity back. With Lucas' lawyers, and the Force, the odds are stacked against him.

"I tell you what, at this point, I'd rather accidentally fall into the mouth of a sarlacc and be digested for thousands of years than to spend another day as 'Boba Fett.' I just want to be recognized for who I really am. Bob. Is that too much to ask?"


Arizona Idiot Caught on Camera Stuffing "Baby Boa" Snakes into His Pants
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

CAN'T FIX STUPID DEPT: It's the gift that keeps on giving . . . stupid people doing really stupid stuff for stupid reasons . . .  Erick Feigle from Mesa Arizona was caught on camera August 24th stuffing baby Boa constrictor snakes into his pants at a local pet store.

According to Police, Feigle was caught on video stuffing 5 baby Boas into his pants and returning later to steal several more using the same technique which he later sold to another pet store in the area. In a kinda related story, a man flying into Miami from Brazil was caught with 7 snakes and 3 tortoises in his pants. Those creatures were discovered when he mis-snakenly . . . .sorry mistakenly pulled a small snake out of his trousers while he was attempting to take a pee.

Upon hearing of the incidents, Al Gore attributed these and other strange behaviors and stuff to man- made global warming .


Butch Cassidy was Kidnapped by Aliens
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Circleville Utah: The legend of Butch Cassidy (Robert LeRoy Parker, 1866-1908) surviving a shootout in Bolivia during the commission of a bank robbery and then living in the US until his actual death in 1937 could have some substance. Relatives claim to have seen Butch Cassidy at a family reunion in 1925.

Establishment of the credibility of this legend may be linked to premises postulated in the last 10 years that aliens had visited our planet during Earth's pre-history and helped build various early civilizations in Egypt and South America.

Recently a Hollywood documentary "Cowboys & Aliens" (2011, Universal Studios and DreamWorks Pictures) has portrayed aliens visiting Arizona in 1873 to covertly steal gold. The aliens also abducted male and female human subjects in order to examine them. These people were held in a coma-like state with a resultant loss of memory occurring on awakening. The ensuing battle has the cowboys soundly whipping the alien's asses and destroying their space vehicle.

An earlier Hollywood documentary "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" (1969, 20th Century Fox) describes Butch Cassidy's career as an outlaw beginning in 1884, encompassing cattle rustling, bank robbery and train robbery in various states throughout the Southwestern US. However by 1902 the frontier was closed, the gang called the Wild Bunch had disbanded and the law was one step behind Butch Cassidy. He escaped to England, then Argentina and finally to Bolivia and went back to robbing trains and payrolls.

The ruins at Puma Punku in Bolivia are often cited as examples of ancient aliens work. Also gold mining in Bolivia can be traced back to 1200 AD when the Inca Empire ruled much of South America. (In 1908 a UFO was seen near the city of Tunguska Russia prior to a catastrophic explosion, usually attributed to a meteorite.) It is entirely possible that the aliens had returned to Earth to obtain more gold, after their defeat by the cowboys in 1873 had faded into history.

Furthermore, the aliens probably figured it was far easier to visit several Bolivian banks and obtain gold that had already been minted into coins and smelted into bars. At one of these Bolivian banks they encountered a robbery in progress, with the building surrounded by a Bolivian Army unit and abducted the gold and Butch Cassidy at the same time. How they missed the Sundance Kid is still a mystery.

At some point before leaving for their home world the aliens released all the captives. Butch Cassidy, because of his loss of memory wandered about South America working at odd jobs. After more than a decade, with the return of his memory, Butch Cassidy assumed a new identity and returned to the US. Back in the states he endeavored to lead a somewhat straight life until his death.


Marines Serving in Afghanistan Ordered To Cease "Farting" Near Afghans
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

In another of our "sadly too true to be false" segments . . .  The Farcehaven learned today the US Marines who are bravely fighting in Afghanistan have been ordered to cease farting in the presence of Afghans who find it to be highly offensive. The story was posted in an article in the online Military Times written by Ms Gina Cavallaro.

Now disagree with me if you must . . . but REALLY . . . no I mean REALLY??? These people who don't even use toilet paper . . .  our men and women are over there dying and THIS is the issue of the day?

And who in charge for heaven's sakes has the time or the screwed up priorities to come up with this!

Perhaps we should order our guys to use camel piss as aftershave so the friggen Afghans feel warm fuzzies when in the presence our brave infidels.

I guess those who lead this once proud nation are not satisfied to have brought her to her knees . . . now they need to F**k up the greatest fighting force in the world!

I say to the brave men and women fighting anywhere in the world, fart on soldier, and make them gag!


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Christopher Pilny
Don Myers
Philbert of Macadamia

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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